Salvation and Secrets (7 page)

Chapter 9

~ANA~

"So Bowl-A-Rama tonight?"

"Paul, I was joking. Besides, does Chastity Falls even have a Bowl-A-Rama?" I waited while Paul collected his books from the locker.

"You mean my dream of seeing you in those sexy little clown shoes will never come true?" He clutched his heart, fake gasping for breath, and I laughed.

I spent most of the weekend with Paul, Elena, and Tyson. After seeing Jackson again, it was just what I needed because I was too scared to be alone. Scared I wasn't strong enough to overcome the urges clawing at me from the inside.

"I rock those shoes, but you'll never get it see it. You'll just have to suck it up." I playfully punched his arm, and we walked in comfortable silence to our classes.

The more time I spent with Paul, the less awkward it was. It seemed weird to me, given that his crush was no secret. But true to his word, he had been nothing but a friend to me and had a great way of cheering me up. I enjoyed being around him, enjoyed the person
I
was around him. Even if she was nothing more than a phony.

"This is me, Parry. See you at lunch?" Paul grinned down at me, holding up his hand for a high five.

"Dude, this isn't high school," I mocked, shaking my head at his goofiness. "I might be late. Save me a seat?"

He saluted and I continued down the hallway. Every step was like wading further into quicksand. And by the time I reached the door for Peterson's class, I didn't know if I could do it. I might have decided to try to rise above Jackson and his messed-up life, but I couldn't just switch off my feelings—not for all the trying in the world.

The door was open and I forced myself through it, keeping my eyes planted firmly on the floor. If I avoided looking at him, then I could pretend like he wasn't there. Of course, my eyes flickered to his seat all of their own accord, and a sigh of relief escaped my lips when I realized he wasn’t there. At least I could get myself situated without being aware of him.

Peterson started the class and there was still no Jackson. I tried to switch off my concern, but it ran deep, refusing to subside. He’d warned me that I was in danger, so it only made sense that he probably was, too. What if something had happened to him? What if something was happening to him right now? I gripped the edge of the desk, panic surging through me. But the class around me started moving out of their seats as Peterson reiterated the instructions for today’s class. I stood on shaky legs, scanning the room for my group. A girl waved over at me, so I walked in her direction until I was huddled with her and another guy. We found an empty cluster of chairs and started discussing the assignment.

"So I was thinking we could compare T. S. Eliot and E. E. Cummings," the girl said, a blush creeping over her cheeks.

"Sorry, I didn't catch your names?" It occurred to me that I didn't know many of my classmate’s names.

She stuttered, "Oh, yeah. Hmm, Allie. I'm Allie."

I smiled, before turning my attention to the guy.

"Liam," he grunted, obviously not wanting to make friends.

I flashed him a forced smile and introduced myself.

"Yeah, we know who you are," Liam grumbled.

“You do?”
was my only thought as Allie looked at me with sad eyes. "You went out with Pierce, right?"

I didn't know why I was so surprised that she knew. After my breakdown at Dead Man's Cove last year, news traveled fast about the girl nobody knew, who just happened to have a thing going with one of the most popular guys at CFA. I guess I thought summer would be a long time to forget, but apparently, it wasn't long enough.

I started to nod but something caught Allie's eye over my shoulder and her eyes almost bugged out. Liam shuffled in his seat, sitting a little taller, and I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn't need to turn around to know who was behind me. I felt him the minute he reached the space behind me. My body wanted to sink back into him with relief, but I rubbed at the scar through my long sleeved sweater, focusing on the pain biting into my skin, refusing to look back at Jackson.

"Sorry, I'm late. What did I miss?" Jackson pulled out the empty chair and dropped into it, positioning himself at an angle from me, keeping his eyes trained on Allie and Liam. I silently thanked him for the gesture; he was giving me space.

"We were just talking about you actually." Liam’s eyes flashed to me and I glared at him, trying to ask him to leave it, but Allie beat me to it.

"Liam was just telling us which poets he thinks we should compare. Right, Liam?" Allie nudged Liam discreetly, and he mumbled something inaudible.

"Cool. Well, I vote we compare T. S. Elliot and Robert Lowell."

"I didn't expect you to like poetry." Allie's mouth was hanging open like she couldn't possibly believe someone like Jackson had layers that extended to dead poets.

Jackson cracked a smile and laughed. "Why would I be here if I didn't like poetry? Besides, it's turning out to be my favorite class."

The words hung in the space between us, and I could feel the heat from Jackson's gaze burning into the side of my face. I didn't need to look at him to know that he meant his words for me, but I didn't understand what game he was trying to play either.

Allie's face softened and her frown melted into a look of adoration. Girls wore that same look whenever they were in the presence of The Fallen. "I love poetry..." Allie launched into her million and one reasons for loving Peterson's class. I tuned out, staring ahead, refusing to even glance in Jackson's direction. All the time thinking that I should have dropped the class after all.

~

"Ana, wait up." Jackson's voice called after me as I made a beeline for the door.

I had to get out of there because I couldn't breathe. For the whole of the class, Jackson had tortured me with discreet notes. It was like being back in freshman year. Except this time, his messages went unanswered. He wanted to know if I was okay. And all I wanted was to yank off my sweater and thrust my angry, raw wrist in his face. I was anything but okay. But I didn't. What difference would it make? Jackson had decided his path…and I had to decide mine.

I kept walking, ignoring the plea in his voice. I’d almost made it to the door, but then Peterson's voice boomed, "Miss Parry, a word please, after everyone leaves."

What did he want? He had said nothing during class about wanting to see me. I reluctantly lingered near the door until all the students were gone. All except Jackson. Confused, I opened my mouth to ask Peterson what was going on, but he cut me off. "I'll leave you to it, Mr. Pierce," he said, addressing Jackson.

"Thanks, Sir."

I stood in shock, unable to comprehend what had just happened. Had Jackson really asked a professor to lure me back into the room?

Peterson stalked past me and exited the room, leaving just the two of us. Jackson watched me intently, his eyes boring into me. I wanted to move, to run out of the door, but I was rooted to the spot, under his trance.

"Wha-what are you doing?" I asked unable to disguise the quiver in my voice.

Jackson didn't reply. Instead, he starting inching toward me. My feet backed up until my back hit the wall and a small gasp escaped the small
O
formed by my lips.

"What...?”

Jackson reached me and outstretched his arm. I couldn't predict what he was going to do, and I held my breath...waiting. As his hand brushed my cheek, I swallowed hard, but it traveled straight past me and yanked down the blind on the window.

It was like a Band-Aid being ripped off and I jumped into action, swiftly moving away from him. I needed to put space between us. My mind was unable to think properly with him so near, surrounding me...suffocating me.

I watched as he turned to face me, and my eyes roamed down his body. His black V-neck sweater clung to his torso like a second skin, rippling over his defined chest. A fire ignited low down in my stomach, but I shut it down. I needed a clear head to hear whatever it was he had to say.

Jackson caught me checking him out, and a slow grin broke over his face to match his cocked eyebrow.

"What do you want, Jackson?" I sighed, digging my fingers into the sides of my thighs. "You can't keep doing this. It isn't fair.
You
walked away..."

Jackson winced as I said the words, narrowing his eyes at me. He was weighing things up in his head, considering my words. Edging forward again, he stopped just short of me. "I know, fuck, I know. I just..." His eyes dropped to the floor, and my heart ached for him. I could see how hard it was for him, it was written all over his beautiful face. I wanted to go to him, to make it all better, but it wouldn't change anything. Not a damn thing.

"I just need to know that you're okay." He lifted his face to meet my eyes. "Are you okay?"

The air shifted. I could feel this was a pivotal moment for us. If I laid myself bare and told him the truth, I could see in his eyes...that he wouldn't walk away again. It would be easy—the words were on the tip of my tongue. The scar on my wrist burned like a voice telling me to do it—to come clean. But where would that leave us? Braiden wouldn't let us be together, not in Chastity Falls. Never. No, Jackson needed to hear I was okay and then perhaps we could both move on. Or at least, he could. I needed to cut him loose.

Staring him straight in the eye, I took a deep breath.
Just say the words, Ana
.

"I'm fine. Sure, it hurt. Hell, it hurt a lot. But I understand why you did it. We can't be together and be safe. Apparently, we're not even safe apart, so it's for the best. I understand and I'm fine." The words poured out, but they sounded foreign to me. My heart thumped out of my chest protesting the lies, and the scars etched into my body screamed in anger. And my eyes filled with tears I refused to let fall.

An indecipherable expression came over Jackson's face and he grimaced. "Okay. I won't do this again. You're right, it isn't fair." He hung his head low and I knew he believed every word. Regret flooded me, quickly turning to panic. Had I made a terrible mistake by not being honest? I wanted so much to believe it, but for as much as I hated it, my head knew better than my heart.

Jackson didn't look back as he reached the door, but he did pause before opening it, his hand lingering on the frame. "I'm sorry," he said before disappearing into the corridor.

~

My body almost collapsed on the steps of McGinley. I’d waited for Jackson to leave the Pauling Building and then I made a run for it, ignoring the blur of students watching me as if I had lost it. I didn't care. I just needed to get back to the dorm.

The lies might have rolled off my tongue in Peterson's class with Jackson, but the damage was all on the inside, spreading through me like wildfire.

The door slammed shut behind me and I just made it into the bathroom before collapsing in a breathless heap. Crouched on my knees, my head touched the cool tiles as my mind replayed the conversation with Jackson. He still cared—I saw it in his eyes, written all over his face.

Maybe I did the wrong thing by telling him that I was fine.

My scars ignited, burning and itching. Through rapid breaths, my eyes darted around the small room until they landed on Elena's cosmetic box and the pair of black handled scissors. They teased me, whispering taunts to me.
Just once.

Clamping my eyes shut, I lay my head back onto the cold tiles.
Don't do this
.
I don't have to do this.

Before I could stop myself, I crawled to the counter and my hand began frantically grasping for the box. The contents spilled over, clattering to the floor, but my hand found the steel apparatus and gripped tight. Clutching the scissors to me, I breathed deeply and centered myself. Just the feel of the sharp edge against my palm calmed me. A part of me knew that in itself wasn't normal, but I wasn't normal. Not anymore. My hand tightened; the steel biting into my skin as tears rolled down my cheeks. They weren't tears of pain, though. They were tears of loss. Grief.

My body sunk back on the floor still clasping the scissors to my chest; gripping on for life. Sobs wracked through me as I let myself feel everything. The accident, Jackson, Chastity Falls.