Save Me From Myself (4 page)

I don’t have much time to dwell on Ben’s laughter or my own less than stellar introduction, because Sebastian quickly moves on to berating everyone for last week’s articles. Apparently, he’s convinced at least half of the staff lied about their journalism or English grades because “it was all crap.”

After spending almost fifteen minutes telling us how much we suck, Sebastian finally moves on to finish the meeting handing out everyone’s assignments. Because I’m new, I have nothing to write a review on this week, so he’s sending me out with Ben to “make some contacts” because there is a big concert this Friday. Ben’s got media passes to go backstage at the Kings of Leon concert, and he’s doing an interview with the band. Sebastian asks me if I even know who they are, and I frown. Ben laughs, and tells him, “If she didn’t, I’m sure she’s read Fifty Shades, so she does now.” My face starts flaming, and I can’t say anything.

Sebastian snorts out a laugh, and begins giving everyone else their assignments. When he’s done, he calls the meeting to an end, and leaves us all sitting around the conference table. Once he’s out of hearing range, I turn to Ben and hiss, “Really? Did you have to put me and Christian Grey in the same sentence?”

Ben laughs harder, “Oh please, you know you read it. And if you haven’t, girl you better get on that! I’d leave Toby in a heartbeat for a night in the RROP” I am so not having this discussion with Ben, even if we do share a love of all things Fifty.

I slap him, “Oh my God, Benjamin!”

He points a finger at me, “I
knew
it! You did read it! You dirty slut!” This whole exchange is surreal, but after that statement, I can’t do anything but laugh. I put my head in my hands and just let it out. Ben, however, thinks I’m crying, so he starts apologizing profusely. “Shit, L, I’m sorry! I was just teasing! You’re
not
a dirty slut at all!” At that, I can’t help but snort, and he knows I’m not upset.

“Bitch,” he mutters, “I was really worried!”

“Sorry Ben! It was funny though,” I tell him and bump his shoulder with mine before standing to walk out of the conference room. As we walk back to our desks, we hash out where we’re going to meet tomorrow night for the concert, and Ben leaves me at my desk. I check my phone, and there’s three missed calls from my mother, and one from my sister Aria. Not wanting to deal with any of that drama, I put my phone back in my purse, and head over to HR to get all the administrative stuff done so I can actually get started.

***

After getting my ID badge made, signing some of my paperwork, and setting up my computer and desk, it’s lunchtime. Anna recommends we go to this little cafe around the corner that everyone goes to where the service is fast and the food is delicious.

When we walk into Ruby’s, the first thing I notice is all the exposed brick. It clashes with the old formica tables and red vinyl booths, but it somehow works. I expect to see waitresses wearing faded yellow dresses and white aprons taking orders, but the one that takes ours when we sit is a younger girl, wearing a bright red shirt with a white “Ruby’s” on the front and a pair of jeans. We place our orders, and sit back to wait.

As we wait for our lunch, Anna looks pensive. “Everything okay?” I ask her, not really sure I want to know the answer. Anna’s expression changes, and I know exactly what she’s going to ask me, and I really don’t want to have this conversation right now.

She sighs, “Just thinking.” She pauses, “Have you heard from your mom or Matt yet?”

I knew I didn’t want to know the answer. This is not exactly lunchtime conversation. Groaning, I reply, “Mom left me a voicemail this morning. Nothing from Matt. But, he’s still not home, so he probably doesn’t know I’m gone yet.” And, even when he does know I’m gone, he has Kimberly. We no longer have to go out of our way to avoid each other.

Anna looks at me out of the corner of her eyes, “And you think he’s just going to drop his ‘I want you back’ routine once he realizes you’re gone? Gotta tell ya Lyr, I don’t really see that happening. I don’t think he’s going to give up that easy.”

Looking away, I mutter, “Yeah I know.” Matt’s not going to just give up. He’s never been the type to give up on something. Or, at least, he wasn’t up until eighteen months ago when he decided that instead of helping me deal with our loss, he’d just get drunk and sleep around. He had been sleeping with Kimberly for 10 months when I found out. I’d been lost in my own grief, and didn’t notice that he was acting different. That’s why I’m in Nashville. I can’t forgive him, and I can’t move past it yet.

Matt’s reasoning for having an affair? I wasn’t there for him like he needed me to be. Like I wasn’t hurting too.

Just thinking about the fight that broke us brings all those memories back to the surface.

I’m staring down at the test that will forever change my life.

When I told Aria this morning that this stomach bug just wouldn’t go away, the last thing I expected to hear was “Are you sure you’re not pregnant?” My first thought was “Of course not”, but then I realized my “friend” hadn’t come in over two months. And I’m a pretty regular girl. So, Aria left and brought back a bag full of pregnancy tests. I think she honestly expected me to pee on every stick in the bag. I could barely handle the thought of ONE let alone a dozen.

“Are your three minutes up yet?” Aria’s voice sounds anxious coming through the door. I think she might be even more nervous than I am, and trust me, I’m
extremely
nervous.

“Um, not yet? I think I have thirty seconds or so.” Any thoughts of being able to stretch this out for the next year or so are over. She’s going to come bursting through that door in ten seconds or less if I don’t let her in. And truthfully, I need her to be here with me. Reaching forward I open the door. “Please, don’t make this harder than it already is. What am I going to do if I’m pregnant? I’m a Junior in college for God’s sake!” You can tell I’m becoming hysterical by how high my voice is getting.

“Calm down Lyric. You’re not alone. You have Matt, and me, and our parents. We’re here to help you in whatever you need. Just breathe. You don’t even know if there’s something to freak out about yet.” She looks at me with a soft expression.

I start to pace, but since my bathroom is tiny, I can only take about three steps each way and it’s making me more anxious. Aria is following my every move with her eyes and when she’s had enough, she puts her arms around me. Looking down at me, she murmurs "It's time. You need to know." Turning towards the sink, she grips my hand tightly in hers, letting me know she's here for me.

Picking up the stick, I am not prepared for what I’m holding.

Two pink lines.

Out of everything I could have expected, a positive pregnancy test wasn’t one of them. I’m on birth control. This isn’t supposed to happen. I’m supposed to finish my Junior year, finish planning my wedding, and then get married next year after I graduate. Then, we can start a family. Having a baby is
not
in the plans right now. Truthfully, I’m not sure if children are ever going to be in Matt’s plans. He’s a lawyer, and has his own plans. He wants to eventually become a judge like his father, and his grandfather. An illegitimate child will not help those plans come to be. His father will be so disappointed. Hell, my mother will probably have a coronary. I’m the “good” daughter, and I’m pregnant.

“Congrats sweetie, it looks like you’re going to be a mom” my sister says as she pulls me into her, hugging me tightly.

At her words, the dam breaks. I begin bawling. I feel like I can't breathe and my chest feels
tight. I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack. Aria starts rubbing my back, trying to comfort me while murmuring nonsense. Or maybe it’s not nonsense, I can’t really hear anything over my sobs. “You need to talk to Matt, Lyr. He deserves to know what’s going on. There are decisions you both need to make.”

The last thing I want to do is tell Matt I’m pregnant. He’s going to completely flip out. “How do I tell him that all the plans he had for our future just went to shit? He’s never going to forgive me.”

“He is just as responsible as you are, so stop thinking like that right now!" She's now yelling at me
,
making me wince. My sister's right. I need to stop freaking out and figure out how to tell him. I'm going to his place for dinner tonight, so I don't have a lot of time to plan what I'm going to say. He's going to figure out something's wrong, and it's better to tell him now than to wait. He'll be even more upset if I wait to tell him.

Aria wipes my tears and leaves me to freshen up, so that I can hopefully look presentable when I see Matt later.

***

I've been standing outside of Matt’s door for over 15 minutes trying to get up the courage to knock on his door. I don't know why I'm so nervous. Matt and I are engaged. It's not like we are high school kids screwing up our futures. I'm almost out of school and Matt is a lawyer. We can do this. It just means Matt’s timetable will change.

Oh who am I kidding? He's going to freak. Matt has plans. Very well thought out, rigid plans. He knows when we are getting married, where we are going to live, how many years before he becomes a partner, and when he'll finally join his father and grandfather as a judge. He doesn't do well with change. He gets upset when I have to change a dinner reservation for Pete’s sake! 

Breathe Lyric, just breathe. You can do this. You can tell him. Everything will be okay. It has to be. This baby is coming, whether Matt wants it or not!

I've finally worked up the nerve to knock on his door when it opens
 
revealing Matt looking at me quizzically. "Lyric, are you going to stay in the hallway all night?"

I try to laugh, but it sounds more like a sob, causing his eyebrows to furrow. "Are you okay, baby? What's wrong?" He sounds concerned, and the hallway is definitely not where I want to have this conversation.

"I'm fine. Let's just get inside before dinner gets cold." Moving aside to let me in, he presses a kiss to my forehead, and leads me through the living room towards the dining area. He's gone all out tonight. There's red wine, that I can't drink now, candles, and a dozen roses in a vase on the table.

Matt pulls my chair out for me and I sit, feeling nauseous. He's still looking at me, trying to figure out what's going on. When I say nothing, he turns towards the kitchen to get our dinner. Unfortunately, when he brings plates full of Chinese to the table and places it in front of me, I lose it. Covering my mouth with my hand, I run to the bathroom.

I barely make it. While I dry heave on my knees in front of the toilet I can feel his eyes on me. I really wish he'd let me do this in peace. Finally, the dry heaves stop, and he's kneeling beside me with a cool washcloth. As he gently wipes my face, he asks, "Are you okay? Is it a bug? Did you eat something bad?" He sounds extremely worried now, and I know I've got to just suck it up and tell him.

"I don't know if I'm okay. And no it's not a bug, and it's not anything I ate.” I sigh, and take his hand as he helps me to my feet.

"Then what is it? There's not many other choices….” He trails off and stares at me. I look back at him seeing the exact moment when realization hits him. He shakes his head and his face pales. "You're not pregnant. You can't be pregnant!"

"Well, tell that to the three pregnancy tests I took this afternoon, because they obviously missed the memo." I snap at him. Seriously? Because Matthew Wilson can just say no, and the situation will change? I wish I had that power.

"But, how? You're on birth control. Isn't pregnancy exactly what that is supposed to prevent?" He sounds genuinely confused, and I can't help but roll my eyes at him. He doesn't notice, because he's staring at my stomach in horror.

"The pill isn't 100% effective Matt. Come on, you know this."

He makes an exasperated noise in his throat, "I understand that Lyric. Are you sure you took it the way you're supposed to? You didn't miss any, or forget to refill them?" He's staring at me accusingly now, like I got pregnant on purpose, just to mess up his life.

"Right Matt, because I would choose to get pregnant while I'm still in school and unmarried. I would
choose
to stop taking my pill. It’s not something that’s easy to forget. I take it every morning.“

“Well, clearly something happened because you’re pregnant. A baby is not something we were planning to have anytime soon. How will you finish school and take care of a baby? Are you just going to quit school to be a mom? We will have to get married before you start showing. But then everyone will know that we got married to prevent a
bastard
.” He growls, spitting out the last word. I flinch when he says ‘bastard’. Is that really what he thinks about our child?
 

“This is 2012, not 1912 Matthew. Unplanned and unexpected pregnancies happen all the time. We’ll deal with it. What other option do we have?” Now I’m yelling too. I knew he’d be upset, but this is just ridiculous. “What do you want me to do Matt?”

He stares at me silently for what feels like hours, then says quietly, “You need to deal with it.”

My heart drops to my feet. “What do you mean
I
need to deal with it? As in what? Have an
abortion
?!?” Surely that’s not what he is suggesting. To get rid of our baby? “Tell me that’s not what you meant Matt. That having an abortion is not your idea of ‘dealing with it’.”