Saving Ella (24 page)

              Eli bounced about excitedly in Annie’s lap as we navigated the icy streets to the center of town. Annie seemed just as excited and she looked beautiful. She wore a vibrant red coat and matching hat and scarf. I glanced down at my own dark grey coat and the ratty old black skull cap that I twisted nervously in my hands. I looked ordinary, I looked less than ordinary I looked homeless.  Jax had been bugging me for days to come out to this town celebration with him. I, of course, was more than reluctant. Christmas just reminded me of my father’s death and being in that frame of mind along with the embarrassment over my clothes and the fact that I was about to be tossed in with a large crowd, it was all making me feel a little ill. In fact, I was sure if I looked in the mirror I would be green. Oh god. I grabbed my stomach and twisted the center mirror away from Jax to look at my pale face. It wasn’t green, but I definitely didn’t have the cheerful glow and relaxed look like Annie.

             
“You look beautiful angel,” Jax murmured.

             
“She’s scared,” Eli piped up. Damn kid didn’t have an off switch. He was like beacon for truth which usually meant embarrassment for either one or all of the people surrounding him.

             
“From the mouths of babes,” chuckled Annie.

             
“I feel sick. Do I look green?” I asked nobody in particular, pinching my cheeks in an effort to put some color into them. Jax pulled the mirror away from me and shook his head.

             
“You’re not green angel.”

             
“Come on Ella, if I can do this you can do it.” I so easily forgot Annie’s nightmares were still so fresh for her. She ran from the violence of her husband only four months ago. Four short months and she managed to hold her head high and mask her face with an air of strength and resilience. I knew she did it for Eli, she was as good for him as he was for her. Annie and I shared our nightmares only two nights ago. I told her my father died, but did not go into specifics. It was the wrong time of the year to be opening that wound. I told her about Marcus, the beatings, the cutting and when I finally escaped. In exchange for the imparting of my demons, she told me about hers. Annie’s husband Phillip was diagnosed with schizophrenia nearly five years ago and was refusing to take his medication. During episodes he became disorganized and frantic and eventually violent. It was hard for Annie to leave her husband because she loved him very much, but the degeneration of his behavior eventually began to wear their relationship thin. When Phillip began hitting Annie, she felt betrayed in the worst possible way. Annie had no family and their circle of friends had disappeared when Phillip’s illness appeared. Looking over at her now, she looked so comfortable, so carefree. She hid her fear well, unlike me who felt like a fragile ice sculpture ready to fracture.

             
Jax had trouble finding somewhere to park his pickup and we ended up right outside Benny’s. I looked longingly through the windows. It looked warm and quiet in there.

“Maybe I can just wait for you guy
s here,” I suggested. Jax grabbed my hand and all but dragged me down the two blocks into town. As we drew closer, the crowds became thicker and my anxiety grew worse. I concentrated on Jax’s big hand in mine. It was a lifeline that kept me connected to some resemblance of sanity. Large outdoor heaters scattered the footpaths of the short strip mall, along with country fair hot food stalls. Music played from a make shift stage set up beside the very obvious and beautiful Christmas tree. It was enormous and the leaves were scattered with light flecks of snow. Another dump of the white stuff like they had had the night I arrived in Claymont and the entire thing would disappear under it. Large gaudy decorations had been hung and on top sat a large gold star. I shivered as I stood and took it all in. It wasn’t the cold that chilled me though, it was the memories that Christmas decorations bought with it. I tried to tell myself I hated them, but I didn’t. I had always loved Christmas, the decorations, the music and goodwill that came with that time of the year.  It just made me miss my dad more.

             
“Ahhhhh finally, I’ve been looking everywhere for you two,” exclaimed Rebecca. I couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped from my lips. Her hair and makeup was styled in her usual pinup girl façade, her legs encased in skin tight black lycra pants with a pair of sexy knee high boots. However in a total contradiction to Rebecca’s usual style she was wearing the most hideous green knitted jersey with giant fluffy antlers attached to the front. A pair of gaudy dangling Santa earrings that flashed at regular intervals finished the ensemble. She shook her finger at me.

             
“Don’t you dare laugh. I have one of these babies sitting at home with your name on it.” She pointed at the sweater and I shook my head in mock horror.

             
“Over my dead body.” Rebecca glanced at Jax who seemed as horrified as I was by Rebecca’s festive attire.

             
“So, Jax,” she sung. “Bet you’ve been wondering about my Clitoria.” Jax shook his head and laughed.

             
“Not even once.”

             
I was nudged sideways by a roudy teen who appeared more than a little tanked. Jax pulled me in to the safety of his warm hard body. This is where I wanted to be, if I could live here I would. This is where I felt no fear, where my body responded to his in a most natural way. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and kiss him until the outside world disappeared. I wanted, no, I needed him to kiss me again and touch me the way a woman was meant to be touched by a man and the fact that since the kiss on Annie’s couch he had handled me far too virtuously made me want to scream with frustration. I knew he was trying to do the honorable thing and take it slow, but something inside my body had been ignited by that kiss. Something inside me had been awakened, and I suddenly felt like a starved woman craving a thirst for a tall, silver eyed blonde.

             
“Jesus Christ Rebecca, what the fuck are you wearing?” Charlie slapped Jax on the back and gave me a cheeky wink as he turned to take in Rebecca’s loud outfit.

             
Rebecca scowled and I was intrigued. Rebecca wasn’t the type to care what others thought of her wardrobe, but the look she gave Charlie now could only be described as unfriendly, in fact it bordered on icy.

             
“I wonder if you’ve got those sexy little red panties on under that. You know, the one’s with the little bows on the sides?” Charlie seemed to wonder out loud as his scorching gaze took in Rebecca. A furious blush settled on Rebecca’s cheeks and I was officially gob smacked. Jax’s curious glance from Charlie to Rebecca confirmed he was just as surprised.

             
“Well, you’ll just have to keep wondering because there is no way in hell you will ever get another sample.” Rebecca said dismissively. Charlie grinned.

“Sample?
Betty Boo I did a whole lot more than sample.” Rebecca’s fists curled, her scowl deepened and Jax moved to intercede.
              “You know kids, I’m not sure Annie’s going to be able to comfortably explain this conversation to Eli and as intrigued as I am, perhaps now is not the time or the place.” Rebecca cast Eli a quick glance. His innocent little eyes watched her thoughtfully but then moved to something else happening over by the tree, dismissing the entire scene as easy as that.

             
              “Well, that was unexpected.” Jax chuckled as he moved back to my side while Rebecca and Charlie did their best to ignore each other.

             
“Hey, I need to find a bathroom for Eli,” whispered Annie.

             
“Ohhhh, me too. You guys made me leave in such a hurry I didn’t get a chance to go before we left.” I was suddenly jumping around uncomfortably.

             
“If we didn’t get you out the door that minute you would never had left. You would have ended up locking yourself in the bathroom.” Annie murmured. Yeah, she was right.

“
I’ll get the key to Bouquets, I’m sure Rebecca won’t mind if we sneak in there.” Jax was reluctant to let me go on my own, but at that moment I felt it was something I needed to do. No one else was out here having a panic attack about being in a crowd, and I certainly didn’t want to have to hold Jax’s hand every time I needed to use a bathroom.

             
“It’s nice in here,” said Annie, inhaling the floral scent. “Warm.”

             
“I think I could sleep in here,” I admitted. I kept expecting Annie to ask me about Jax. We may have talked about our past, but for some reason I felt hesitant discussing my present and future. Annie had quickly adopted the rule of the street, your problems are your own and asking questions was a no no. People talked when they were ready and I was glad for Annie’s lack of questions and prying. We knew what we needed to know about each other, outside that we were just happy to have each other’s friendship. Annie was sweet, kind and generous, a perfect mother. In that moment I found myself wishing my mother had of been more like her. I wondered how mom was doing, no doubt living the life she had always dreamed, money, diamonds, pretty clothes, first class flights to the most exotic locations. She had it all, but I wondered if she was truly happy.

             
“That blonde Barbie who was at the shelter a few weeks back is out there,” murmured Annie from the window of the shop as I came out of the bathroom. I tiptoed my way through the dimly lit shop and glanced out the window, easily spotting Selena. She was of course the perfectly groomed, animated bombshell with a ridiculous entourage of friends following her around like lost sheep.

             
“She is the reason I hated school so much,” Annie muttered. I quietly chuckled, observing Selena as she laughed her way amongst the crowd, completely carefree. School for me was like a vague blur. I know there were cliques, the jocks, the cheerleaders, the geeks, the drama club and the list went on. If anything I probably floated between the stoners and the depressed emo crowd. I hated school too, but likely for different reasons then Annie. I was constantly hiding bruises and one very fragile heart. My stomach dropped when Selena seemed to turn and settle her ugly hostile eyes on me before glancing toward Jax who strolled with purpose towards Bouquets, Rebecca and Charlie at his back. Her snide and discreet smile in my direction confirmed she obviously remembered me from the shelter. It was like a car wreck that I just couldn’t bring myself to look away from. Selena sang his name as she approached him and ran her hands up his arms in a familiar gesture that had my heart racing and stomach rolling. Annie cast me a nervous glance then scooped to pick Eli up.

             
“Come on, let’s get out there.” Annie suggested. I couldn’t move though. I watched Jax like a hawk might watch its prey. Watching for every subtle movement, his hands, the tilt of his head. Most of all I watched his eyes. Charlie and Rebecca looked nervous as they watched me watching him from outside the window. Jax took a hand from his pocket and rubbed his neck in agitation. He looked uncomfortable and pissed, I could deal with that. He shook his head a couple of times and Selena seemed to be pleading with him, her hands rubbing his arms and eventually sitting restfully on his chest. Jax didn’t try to move them and that fueled the jealousy that currently burnt through my body. Jax shook his head again, irritated and then something changed. Selena’s eyes were beseeching, her lips in a perfect ruby red pout, she mumbled a few more words and Jax listened. The change was immediate, acceptance and understanding bled through Jax’s eyes, followed by a reluctant but firm nod. Selena reached up on her toes and he leant forward allowing her to place a quick chaste kiss to his lips, it could have been a passionate affair of the tongues as far as I was concerned, jealousy had reared its ugly head and was flowing through my veins with unexpected vehemence. Jax had leaned into this kiss, he had accepted her affection right in front of me, right in front of my friends. This I couldn’t deal with, I was suddenly feeling ill again, but for a whole different reason.

              I had got tired of waiting for Ella to come back from Bouquets and I imagined her, Annie and Eli enjoying the spring time warmth of the shop. It was absolutely freezing and I was eager to find just a few minutes out of the icy chill in the air. What put a truly biting chill in me though was seeing Selena, standing but a few feet away from Bouquets. As soon as she saw me she pounced. She looked typical Selena, dressed to the nine’s, too much makeup, her following of Selena clone’s hanging off her every word.

             
“Jax!” She exclaimed like we were the best of friends. She hadn’t called me, just like I had asked, but seeing her here now, seeing her approach me like nothing had changed pissed me off. “I need to speak to you about the Thanksgiving Ball next week. I told daddy you were taking me, so I need to know what time you’re picking me up.” Her hands rubbed up and down my arms in what was supposed to be an innocent gesture, but I knew better. I was too stunned by her question to do anything about it though. I looked at her like she was speaking a foreign language and shook my head.