Saving Toby (33 page)

Without waiting for my spoken consent, he stroked me with
his thumb. Leaning over my stomach, he kissed my belly as his fingers slid lower
to pet me. While I sighed with pleasure, he nipped sensuously at my hip and
pelted me with kisses and licks down over my pelvis until he reached the top of
my thigh.

“Claudia,” he whispered, pausing his motion. “Open your
eyes, baby. Look at me.”

Flushed, I peered down at him. He hovered over me, just as
tense with desire as I.

“You love me?” he asked.

I was too struck by our intimacy to hide it.

“Yes.”

“Say it.”

“I love you.”

Leaning back over me, he kissed my lips. “Thank you, baby,”
he said softly.

He shifted his body lower, and as his fingers stirred and
teased me, he said, “Say it again.”

Faltering and breathless under his deft strokes, I repeated,
“I love you.”

With a contented sigh, he replaced his fingers with his
mouth, kissing me softly between my legs. As his lips moved slow and gentle
over the sensitive area, I gasped, shocked at how powerful the sensation was.

With darkened eyes, he gazed at me, a brief, triumphant
smile on his handsome face before he kissed me again, and again, gradually increasing
the pressure and the length of each kiss. I squirmed under him and shuddered
when his tongue flicked over me. Clutching handfuls of his hair, I let my head
fall back and became lost in sensation.

My legs began to shake as riotous seizure took hold of me
and strung me out. It was so intense, I whimpered at the release. As my body
trembled, Toby rose to lie beside me and hold me in his arms.

He pressed his face into my hair. “Did you like your
birthday present?”

“
Mmmm
, nice,” I murmured through a smile, as my body
tingled with warm fuzziness. I was utterly sated.

“I’m glad I’m the first for that, too.”

Wistful, I swished my fingers over his chest. “Will I ever
be able to claim a first with you?”

He leaned back to look in my face, his eyes meeting mine. “Claudia,
you love me,” he whispered. “I never had that with anyone else. That outweighs
anything and everything else.”

His words, though sincere, were missing something. A seed of
doubt began to take root, but too exhausted to dwell upon it, I curled myself
around him, and fell asleep.

52
.
Claudia

Fighting the morning sun coming through the large bedroom
window overlooking the Pacific Ocean, I opened my eyes slowly. With a groan, I
noticed the bed was disheveled, and I was naked—a reminder of the night’s spontaneous
events. The only sign of Toby was the indent in the pillow where his head had
been. I slipped on a tee shirt and panties and padded to the bathroom. I downed
some painkillers for my headache and brushed the rancid sweetness from my
mouth—both, no doubt the effect of the piña coladas I’d consumed so blithely
the night before. Back in my bedroom, I engaged the lock on the door and sunk
back down into bed. I needed to think about what had happened last night.

Before I could even attempt to rationalize anything, there
was a tap at the door.

“Good morning, beautiful. I have coffee for you,” Toby said
through the door.

“Leave it on the table out there,” I mumbled.

The doorknob rattled, and I heard him sigh. “Claude,” his
voice lost the easy tone. “Open the door.”

“No.”

Then gentler. “Let me in. Please. I just want to talk.”

“I don’t want to talk.”

“Okay, then just let me in anyway,” he said, but I didn’t
reply.

There were three hard raps against the door.

“Hear that?” he asked.

Of course, I’d heard it, but still, I remained quiet.

“It’s my head banging against the door.”

I coughed out a laugh despite myself. “Well, stop doing
that.”

He banged again. Three times. “I’m going to keep it up until
you either let me in or I knock myself out.”

His cajoling insistence was distressing. It made me weepy.
“Go away,” I begged.

“Uh uh. I’m not going anywhere,” he said, then added,
“Better figure out how you’ll explain my unconscious body to April and Dario
when they find me.”

He hit the door three more times. “Starting to feel woozy.”

His ridiculousness exasperated me, but I threw my legs over
the side of the bed anyway. “Okay already!”

Unlocking the door, I retreated to the bed, bowing my head
so he wouldn’t see the tears in my eyes. I saw him balancing two paper cups of
coffee and a white, waxed bag as he came through the door. With his foot, he
pushed the door shut behind him, gingerly placed everything on the night table
and knelt on the floor next to the bed.

“Hey,” he looked up at me. “What happened? When I woke up,
you were practically wrapped around me like a second skin. Guess I shouldn’t
have gone to get coffee, huh?”

I peered at him. Despite the serious look on his face, he
was charmingly disheveled; light stubble shadowed his chin, and though shorter,
his wavy hair was errant and sleep-mussed. My body pulsed with the desire to
touch him.

I dared not.

“Toby, last night was a mistake.”

“Nothing has ever been so right as you and me,” he insisted.
“Claude, this was not some one-night stand.” He took my hand in his. “I want to
be with you.”

Pulling my hand from his, I fell sideways, collapsing
heavily on the bed. I clutched a pillow to my chest. “How can we possibly think
this will work between us?”

The bed creaked as he moved to lie down next to me, his face
only inches from mine. “If you give me a chance, we will make it work.”

I rubbed my eyes tiredly. “We tried this before. We don’t
fit in each others’ lives.”

“Didn’t last night remind you how amazing we are together?”

“Yes, it did.” Our eyes met, and I struggled to articulate
the thing that scared me most. “But when things got tough, you were not only
angry, you were cruel to me. In all my life, no one has ever been that mean to
me before.”

He exhaled gruffly and released my hands, backing up as if
I’d taken a shot at him.

“Jesus, I was such a mess then. Dev was in my face, you were
leaving, and then … and then Julia died,” he whispered. “Claude, it got too
difficult to be the guy I was trying to be for you. And I was sure it was the
end of us, so before you could break up with me, I struck first.” He glanced up
at me, his expression solemn. “Bob said I pushed you away to protect myself.
I’ve had a lot of hurt in my life. I was so afraid of getting hurt, again.”

I remembered the boy he’d been, the kid in middle school
with the sad eyes. “I know what you’ve been through. I would never add to it,”
I cried.

“I know that.” He pulled the pillow away from me and moved
closer. “I’m not looking for sympathy. I just need you to understand why I did
what I did. Claudia, I know how much I hurt you, but I’m not that guy anymore.
I swear I won’t hurt you again.”

He put his arms around me and stroked my hair. I closed my
eyes. Even though I empathized with his story, and I did understand, I was
still ambivalent about a future for us.

In his arms, I was comforted, and I didn’t attempt to move
away.

He looked at me, seeming lost in thought as he swept the
hair off my face and caressed my cheek. He leaned in and nuzzled my cheek. His
lips skimmed my eyelashes to the tip of my nose, and, grazed my lips until he
pressed them against my mouth more fully, eliciting an answering response from
me. Giving in, I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around his neck. We kissed
over and over. Our lips met softly in kisses that were tender, yet unmistakably
passionate.

Moments later, we heard April and Dario’s voices in the
kitchen. Toby stilled, and, with a sigh, he gave me another quick kiss before
he pulled back and stood up.

“Everything’s going to be fine. We’ll hash out the details
when you come home, alright?” Moving to the night table, he picked up one of
the cups and handed it to me. “Coffee, just how you like it, and there’s a
blueberry muffin in the bag.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Shit, I gotta
get moving. We have to leave for the airport now.”

He took the other hot cup, and opening the door, he moved to
leave the bedroom.

“Toby,” I called out, and he turned back around. “I haven’t
made a decision on where I want to go for my Master’s degree.”

He leaned against the doorframe. “I’m the deciding factor, I
guess. You’ll come back to New York, for school and for me.”

“What if I don’t want to go to school in New York?”

His eyes narrowed as he came closer. “Claude, my life is in
New York. I got a new job and my band … there’s no other way.”

I clutched the warm coffee cup between both my hands and
raised my chin. “You want me to base an important decision on what you believe
is good for us, but while you asked me to admit my love for you, you still
haven’t admitted your love for me.”

Sighing, he shifted his weight from one foot to the other.
“That’s not fair. You know I don’t have an easy time with that.”

“What’s not fair is that you expect me to drop everything I
have here to run back to New York without any assurances.”

“I meant everything I said this morning. I won’t hurt you
again.”

“And I’m sure you believe that.” I peered up at him through
lowered lashes. “This week with you, it was so much fun. And last night … was
incredible. But what forced us to an end that July was not only your anger—it
was your inability to admit you loved me. How can I trust that you’re honestly
vested in our relationship?”

There was a motion behind him. “Sorry, man,” I heard Dario
say. “We got to get a move on. We have to turn in the rental car at the airport
before the flight.”

“Yeah, okay,” Toby mumbled over his shoulder. Turning back
to me, he ran a hand through his hair. “Claude, I don’t know what to say.”

I raised my eyes to him. “It’s simple. Tell me you love me.”

He blinked, but said nothing.

For a moment, I had to close my eyes and cover my mouth. I
fought through the heartache and shook my head. “That’s what I thought.”

He shot forward, towards the bed, his arms open. “Claudia,
I—”

“Oh, don’t you dare!” I threw out a hand to make him stop.
“Don’t placate me by saying it now.”

“But I can say it.”

“I’ve no doubt you can pronounce the words. Most people
can,” I reproved. “But I won’t believe you if you do.”

“What do you expect me to do with that?”

“There’s nothing you can do,” I snapped, but then I began to
cry. “You’d better go. You’re going to miss your flight.”

“Screw the flight. I can’t leave like this.”

“I can’t do this with you,” I argued. “Please, just go.”

He came closer, his legs touching the bed as he leaned
towards me. I took a breath, and wiping my eyes, I met his stare.

His expression was terse. “I’m not just going to let this
go. We need to talk about this, Claudia.”

“Fine. Whatever. But not until after graduation.”

53
.
Claudia

After two years, LAX to JFK had become a routine plane ride.
Now, with four years of college completed and graduation over, it felt anything
but routine. A major part of my life had ended. Finished. While I had the next
step in my education mapped out, I had a whole, unplanned summer ahead of
me—one that involved going home to face Toby.

Despite my restlessness, Dad snored softly in the seat next
to me. I smiled as I thought back to how happy he had been yesterday at my
ceremony.

The weeks leading up to graduation had been tiresome.
Between studying for finals and an incredible amount of tasks, rehearsals, exit
interviews, sifting through loan documents, and other university forms, I spent
so much time hunched over my computer, I was sure rigor mortis would set in.
Despite all the work, the result was worth it. The commencement ceremony at the
University of Southern California was exhilarating. Graduation day was a
perfect seventy-five degrees. It was with an incredible feeling of
accomplishment that I marched to the platform to receive my Bachelor’s diploma,
magna cum laude
. Having my mother and father together, smiling proudly
from the crowd, was one of the highlights of the day.

Even with the excitement and busyness of all that
encompassed those weeks, I’d known once graduation was over I had to talk to
Toby. That last day at the resort he’d told me if we were to move forward, he
wanted me back in New York. It meant I wouldn’t have a decision of where I’d be
doing my graduate work, and even though I was now open to the idea of us
getting back together again, I didn’t want to be forced into a choice that was
not my own. Coming home solely to be with him would mean taking a great leap of
faith, one I wasn’t sure I was ready to take.

I liked to think that over the last years away I’d learned a
lot about life and people. And about myself. Death and heartbreak had toughened
me up, but it was my time away at school that gave me new perspective and
taught me to appreciate all the blessings I had in my life. I was returning
home a much more confident, strong, and fiercely independent person than the
one who left Long Island two years ago. In the end, the decision I made was for
me.

Toby was expecting to hear from me as soon as I got in so we
could get together, but after Dad and I arrived home, I decided to wait to call
him. I hopped in the shower to freshen up, and twisting my wet hair up in a
knot, I put on the first thing in my suitcase that wasn’t a wrinkled mess—a
simple flouncy-skirted, floral print dress. Dad had my Camry gassed up and
ready to go. I kissed my father’s cheek, grabbed my keys, and headed out the
door.

Nervous and fidgety about Toby’s and my impending
conversation, I decided to take the short drive up to St. Lawrence Cemetery and
spend some quiet time with Mrs. Faye before I called and arranged to meet up
with him. I drove through the familiar town streets to the memorial park.

Time was slipping towards the evening hour, but the sun,
weeks from summer solstice, was not ready to surrender the sky to the moon.
Beautiful splashes of orange and pink colored the horizon as I pulled into the
small cemetery and navigated to the most northern end. There were two other
cars parked along the narrow roads. One of them was a red Jeep. With an
immediate twinge of nerves, I pulled up behind the Wrangler and turned off my
car. I rechecked my appearance in the rearview mirror before I got out.
Stepping onto the lush mat of grass sprouting from the rain-softened ground, I
scanned the area for Toby’s tawny-colored head, but I didn’t see him.

I started towards the grave. Rounding the beginning of the
row, I finally spotted him, on the ground. He sat in front of his mother’s
grave, leaning back on his arms, a jacket clutched in one hand. There was
seriousness in his disposition, his eyes trained on the headstone as if he were
deeply absorbed in his thoughts. I stood for a moment noticing the long length
of his jean-clad legs as they extended straight out in front of him, and the
way his heather-gray rugby hugged his muscular shoulders. His hair was wavy and
hit the collar of his shirt. Perfectly groomed goatee shadowed his mouth and
chin. He seemed older, more mature, and more gorgeous now than when I’d first
met him.

I approached quietly. “Hope I’m not interrupting.”

Turning in surprise, he leaned his head back and squinted
through the low-angled sunlight. “Claudia,” he murmured. Almost
self-consciously, he ran a hand through his hair. “Just having a chat with
mi
madre
.” He twisted his upper body towards me. “I was telling her that you
had your graduation yesterday. She would have been proud of you.”

I glanced over at the headstone and smiled. “She always
supported my decision to go.”

“Well, you did it. You’re officially a college graduate.” He
gave me the thumbs up. “How was the ceremony? Did you get my message?”

“It went well,” I nodded. “And yes. I got your message.
Thank you.” He had left me a brief but sweet voicemail yesterday morning,
wishing me a good day.

He looked down at his hands. It was easy to see he felt as
nervous about this as I. A gusty breeze whipped at the hem of my dress, and automatically,
I pressed it down against my thighs to keep it from flying up.

Toby watched me wrestle the fabric until finally the wind
let up. His eyes, lit with a palpable and all too familiar interest, leisurely
made their way back up to my face. My whole body warmed.

“You’d better pop a squat.” He nodded, motioning to the
ground. “My mind will be in the gutter if the wind keeps lifting your dress
like that. And since you didn’t attempt to hug or kiss me hello, it’s obvious
that you have other things on your mind.”

So focused on what needed to be said, I was flustered by the
sudden sexual tension that emanated between us. Quickly, I bent my knees and
sank down onto the soft, spring grass. “After what happened in Carlsbad, I
don’t think there’s any question as to whether we’re still attracted to each
other. What we really need is to talk.”

“Yeah, I know,” he said, plucking out a handful of grass and
letting it flutter away in the breeze.

“Claude, I hate the way we left everything. I’ve done a lot
of thinking about what I could have done and said that would have made it
easier. What’s kind of funny is, I told your father to let you make your own
decision about where you wanted to go to school, and there I was pressuring you
the same way.” His smile was tight as he shifted into a more upright position.

I bit at my lip and waited for him to continue.

“I called Bob when I got back. I told him we were trying to
work things out.” His eyes flicked to mine. “He wasn’t surprised that I’d never
told anyone how I felt. Hell, I never told Julia either,” he murmured, glancing
over at his parents’ headstone. “I should have.”

“She knew you loved her.”

“But you don’t know how I feel about you, and that’s the
problem.”

Tense, I swallowed hard and nodded once.

“It’s so frustrating to keep hitting walls. I’ve spent the
last few weeks trying to understand what prevents me from getting close to
anyone. Bob said I’d find a girl who’d be patient with me until I felt
comfortable enough to admit my feelings.” He lifted his hands in question. “The
thing is, he’s right. I could find plenty of girls out there willing to give me
a chance.”

I hadn’t expected this, but raised my chin preparing to take
the blow.

“But I told Bob, I’d already found a girl who’d been more
than patient with me—a girl who’d gone through hell with me, but despite it
all, never tossed me aside.”

His blue-grey eyes were brimming with unshed tears, and
seeing this show of emotion, my own eyes filled, too.

“That’s because I love you.”

A pained and strangled groan rumbled in his throat, and he
bowed his head. With difficulty, I remained waiting for a cue from him.

All of a sudden, he reached for me.

“Come here. Please.” His hoarse plea shattered my
reservations, and I closed the distance between us, scurrying into his arms. I
huddled close to him and pressed my cheek against his chest. The last few
weeks, I had dreamed nonstop about being close to him again.

He hugged me tight to him and kissed the top of my head.
“Claudia, if you’d rather go to USC, I promise not to make you feel bad about
it. I just need to know you want to be with me…” his voice wavered. “Tell me
you want me back and I’ll wait. And when you’re done with school, we’ll figure
it out, together, what comes next. California could work for me. I can look for
a job—”

Not waiting for him to finish, I wrapped my arms around his
neck and hugged him. Hard. It seemed to immobilize him. He fell silent.

“Thank you,” I smiled up at him, loving him even more for
being unselfish. “I know that wasn’t easy for you to offer.”

“It’s only difficult because I want to be with you. But I
also want you to be happy,” he pressed me closer into him and rested his chin
atop my head.

“I’m happy right now, right here.”

“But, I still haven’t told you how I feel.”

“Maybe that’s too much to expect,” I whispered.

Suddenly he pulled back to look into my face. “No. It isn’t
too much to expect. Even from me.”

I stared at him, afraid to hope.

“I don’t think I ever had the kind of trust it takes to get
close to anyone. And, I’ve done my best to keep everyone at a safe distance.”
His eyes held mine. “Except you. You’re the only girl I ever wanted to cross
over that line for.”

Even though I was desperate to hear it, I wanted to hush him
and tell him it didn’t matter.

“Claudia, you’re inside me. And, I like you there.” He
cupped my chin and stroked my cheek with his thumb. “After all we’ve been
through, I know if there’s anyone I can trust, it’s you.” The soft, vulnerable
look in his eyes made my breath catch. “It knocks me out how much I feel about
you.”

I waited eagerly, unable to move.

He whispered, “So, like, I do.”

I leaned closer. “You do what?”

He momentarily squeezed his eyes closed and inhaled. “Love
you,” he finally said.

“Oh.” I bit back my smile. “Think you can arrange those
words into a cohesive statement?”

“I’m saying I love you. Okay?” The words came out with verve
and yet, still had an air of uncertainty, as if he suspected I might not accept
them.

“Okay.” Even as tears spilled down my cheeks, I beamed. “So
you actually
can
say it.”

His arm tightened around my waist. “Yes. I can say it. And I
mean it, Claudia. I love you.”

He lowered his face towards mine, and our eyes held for a
long, heated moment. With his mouth only inches from mine, I was eager to close
the distance, but as I angled my mouth upwards, he suddenly turned away.

Glancing over his shoulder at his mother’s gravestone, he
said, “What’s that, Ma? You think I should hurry up and kiss her already?”

Giggling, I locked my arms around his neck. “You’d better do
as your mother tells you.”

Finally, he lowered his mouth to mine and kissed me. Sighing
in contentment, I pressed myself into him, greedy for the kiss to deepen. I
reveled in the feel of his large hands on my back as he held me possessively
against him. A thrilling burn fired up inside me, strengthened by the knowledge
that now, beyond a doubt, he loved me.

“Hey,” he grinned, leaning his forehead to mine. “I just
realized that I’ve had my first, first with you. I’ve never told a girl that
I’ve loved her before—a huge first that you get to call yours. All yours.”

“Yes!” I gloated, dotting his lips with another kiss. The
sun, now considerably lower in the skyline, was not as warm as when I’d
arrived. I shivered in my light sweater.

Toby picked up his jacket and put it around my shoulders.
“Come on. Let’s go back to my house. I’ll warm you up with the ‘official
reunion’ ceremony.”

I laughed. “Is that anything like the ‘official girlfriend’
ceremony?”

“The girlfriend ceremony only required a kiss,” he said.
“The reunion ceremony is much more involved. We have to get naked for it.”

“Jeez! I see there are some things about you that haven’t
changed. All you think about, still, is sex.”

“Claude,” he groaned with theatrical exaggeration. “It’s
been a long time. I want to get you naked and under me as soon as possible. I’m
going to show you how much I love you.” He nuzzled my face, his breath warm on
my cheek.

Smiling apprehensively, I slanted away from him. “Um, about
that.”

He raised an eyebrow. “About what?”

“Sex,” I bit my lip. “I don’t want to rush right back into
having it.”

“But, I thought after the resort…”

My face flamed as I remembered what he had done to me with
his mouth and how I had enjoyed it.

“Yeah, well, things moved awfully fast that night.” I traced
the curve of his chin in an effort to soften my explanation. “I want to be with
you, but I’d like us to be on solid footing before we move into such an
intimate relationship again.”

Letting out a loud breath, he looked away for a moment. I
knew this was asking a lot, but I needed the time to adjust. To be sure.

His eyes returned to me. “I guess I can do that. But only
because I know what I’m waiting for,” he said, lifting my hand and pressing a
kiss into my palm. “It’s worth the wait.”

I stroked his chin, enjoying the feel of his groomed stubble
as it grazed against my fingertips. “Thank you.”

I moved to stand up, but before I could, he wrapped his arms
around my waist and held me fast to him. Leaning down to look into my eyes, his
expression was serious. “I’ll do whatever I can to make you happy. Even if I
have to follow you to California to finally get you naked.”

“Thank you, baby,” I said, the whispered endearment slipping
naturally from my lips. “You might have to wait for the naked part, but you
definitely don’t have to follow me to California. I’m not going back.”