Savvy Girl, A Guide to Etiquette (6 page)

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BRITT:
When I first started going to weddings, I was twenty-two and I was about as clueless as a father trying to pick out a prom dress for his daughter.

The wedding was in Palm Springs and my friends and I were excited to attend such a grown-up event. We were fresh out of college and figured the two o’clock start time was a guestimate. I mean, in college, “Let’s leave at ten p.m.” meant that maybe we’d make it out the door before midnight. (To this day, I still can’t figure out what took us so long to get ready.)

Anyway, my friends and I showed up to that wedding at 2:20 p.m.—fashionably
rude
, as Bren says on
Must Bring Buns
—and guess what? The bride was already married and they were wrapping up the ceremony! We felt horrible and tried to hide in the back. At the time I felt a tad defiant about it, wondering why the invite didn’t say, “Hey, we are
serious
about this 2 p.m. start time.” Obviously my twenty-two-year-old self had a lot of “getting savvy” to do.

If only my poor wedding etiquette had ended there.

When I was twenty-three, a bridesmaid, and
still
clueless, I was about to attend my first bridal-shower luncheon and had to ask, “Are we supposed to get a gift?” When I realized the answer was a definitive “yes,” I called my roommate to ask if she wanted to go “halfsies” on something. “Done!” she said, as if we were geniuses for saving money. Little did we know that the whole point of the shower was for the bride to open each gift in front of everyone. Our sad mixing bowl, which was poorly wrapped at that, looked pretty weak next to the gorgeous platters and glassware that were elegantly wrapped and adorned with flair.

And then there was the speech I gave at the wedding of one of my close college friends. I was twenty-six and didn’t realize that the microphone was going to get handed to me during the toasts—and I was totally not prepared. I grabbed the mike and took one look into her beautiful eyes and all I could squeak out was
sob . . . sob . . . love you . . . sob . . . best friend . . . sob . . .

FAIL.

My sobbing speech disaster was proof that I still had a lot to learn. But at each wedding, engagement party, shower, and bachelorette party, I found myself learning on the fly and wishing someone had clued me in so I didn’t have to learn by messing up. It never feels good to be in the dark at these events—especially when others seem so informed.

So here is the wedding-related etiquette you need (or need to brush up on) to get out of the dark and into “the know.” Remember the advice and spread the etiquette love the next time you try to console a sobber after her less-than-impressive wedding toast.
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Whether you’re thrilled beyond words or desperately trying to hide how you wish it were your turn, it’s a big day in a friendship when one of you squeals, “I’m engaged!” Of course you know to coo at the ring and ask how he proposed. But what do you do after that? Whether she is your bestie or a work colleague, here are some tips on how to celebrate the blushing bride-to-be and her fiancé:

•
Send a thoughtful card with your well wishes. Even if you see her all the time, a pretty card that arrives via snail mail is appropriate in this situation.

•
Coordinate a dinner or brunch for just the two of you, other friends, or the bridal party so you can celebrate the happy news and maybe even help her start the wedding planning.

•
Buy an engagement-themed gift, such as a ring tree, or her favorite bottle of Champagne.

•
Send a beautiful card in the mail.

•
Take her to lunch to celebrate and hear all about the proposal.

•
Surprise her with a couple wedding magazines tied with a bow.

Knowing how to respond to this gesture is equally as important as the invitation itself. If you’ve been invited to be in the wedding party, thank the bride for this incredible honor—regardless of your response.

If you’re able to accept the invitation, let her know and let the fun begin. Tell her how happy you are to be a part of her big day and what it means to you. She will be touched. If you’re unable to accept the invitation (that is, if you won’t be able to attend the wedding or can’t afford to participate), notify the bride as soon as possible, as she may want to ask someone else. Be sure to reiterate how much you appreciate being asked and that you wish you could participate.

Being a bridesmaid is a huge honor and responsibility on all fronts. If you can’t afford to be a bridesmaid or you’re unable to attend (for example, if you have another wedding the same weekend), take the bride to lunch or call her if she lives out of town and explain your situation. Let her know how thrilled and honored you are that she asked you, and then explain why you need to decline. If the bride is visibly disappointed, it’s because she values your friendship, but ultimately she will understand.

Now, if you’ve been asked to be a bridesmaid and you don’t
want
to say yes, that’s another story. Think long and hard about this decision, as the bride-to-be clearly views you as a close enough friend to make you a big part of such an important day.

If you don’t know her well and you’re confused about why she has asked you—or if you simply don’t want to be a bridesmaid—then of course you have the right to decline. Be sure to let the bride-to-be know as soon as possible, and let her down gently. Tell her how much you appreciate the offer, but that you won’t be able to be a bridesmaid. If she presses, let her know it’s not a good time for you or that you simply can’t afford to play that role, as you don’t want to hurt her feelings by saying you just don’t want to be a bridesmaid. Transition with how much you look forward to attending her wedding, and try to keep the tone positive and friendly.

Perhaps you were counting on being a bridesmaid, and as the days and weeks pass, you don’t hear a word from her. Or, maybe she asked you to be a bridesmaid but you thought she would ask you to be the maid of honor.

I know this can be upsetting, stressful, and even feel like a blow to your friendship. So what do you do? You smile and support your friend. Sure, this is easier said than done, and you’re entitled to feel disappointed and upset. However,
do not confront the bride about this
, no matter how hurt you are. It is strictly her decision who is in her bridal party, not yours, and the last thing you want to do is guilt her into a pity-ask.

Look at it from the bride’s point of view, and try to put your emotions to the side. After all, the bride is likely under more pressure than you realize to please a lot of people on her wedding day. There’s a chance she’s expected to include family members or longtime friends in her wedding party, making her unable to include
all
of her closest friends. Instead of pouting, be the bigger person and celebrate her as the bride, offer to help in any way you can, and be a gracious guest at her wedding. Always remember that it all goes back to one main point: it’s
her
day!

You were asked to be the maid of honor or a bridesmaid—and you’re psyched! In the months leading up to the wedding, you will have many opportunities to help the bride as she plans her ceremony and reception, and there will be lots (and lots) of celebrating along the way. If this will be your first time in a wedding party, or perhaps you’re looking for a refresher on what your duties as a bridal-party member will entail, here’s a wedding party road map to follow:

BRITT:
BREN, ARE BRIDESMAIDS EXPECTED TO PAY FOR THEIR OWN BRIDESMAID DRESS? AND DO YOU HAVE TO BUY NEW SHOES AS WELL?

BREN:
Yes, bridesmaids are expected to pay for their own dress. Sometimes brides will pay for the dresses as part of the traditional bridesmaid’s gift. However, it’s best to always plan to pay for your dress. If the bride asks that the bridesmaids wear a specific shoe, you’ll need to buy those, too.

Bridal showers are a perfect opportunity to “shower” the bride with love and gifts for her new life as a wifey. Plus, it’s a great excuse to get the girls together, drink Champagne, and have a good time.

According to eHow, bridal showers originated in the sixteenth century. It all started with a romcom-type love story, and apparently a young Dutch woman fell in love with a boy her father didn’t approve of—and so he withheld her dowry. But friends of the young Dutch woman rallied behind her and her forbidden love by hosting a celebration where they “showered” her with much-needed newlywed gifts in lieu of the dowry. In the end, the bride’s father was so touched by this gesture that he blessed the marriage, and everyone lived happily ever after in true (Dutch) Hollywood style.

Today, bridal showers still represent a time to “shower” the bride and groom with beautiful presents as they start their new life together. As more women are getting married later in life (and presumably already have most of the kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom items they need), this occasion has evolved to include such creative themes as “stock-the-bar” showers, “fund the honeymoon” showers and even “couple” showers where the groom gets to join in on the fun.

Here are a few etiquette tips to keep in mind when attending or hosting a shower:

•
GRAB YOUR PEARLS AND DUST OFF YOUR FANCY HEELS.
Some showers include a formal sit-down luncheon, while others feature a more casual atmosphere. Either way, as your savvy self now knows, be on time and dress to impress. And a good rule of thumb is to avoid wearing white. Even if you can wear white, the number-one rule of attending any bridal-related event is to
never
upstage the bride.

•
GET A NICE GIFT.
If you are a member of the wedding party and planning the shower with your fellow bridesmaids, consider giving a group gift and surprising the bride with one of the larger items on her registry. Keep in mind that even if you are hosting the shower, you still need to give the bride a gift, even if it’s something small and thoughtful.

BRITT:
AM I EXPECTED TO ATTEND THOSE OUT-OF-TOWN BRIDAL SHOWERS? AND IF I CAN’T MAKE THEM, DO I STILL NEED TO SEND A GIFT?

BREN:
Well, you definitely need to RSVP, and yes, proper etiquette also includes sending a gift. If you’ve been invited to more than one shower—say, your high school friend invites you to one that’s being hosted in your hometown
and
the other that’ll be held in the city where you both live now—you need to bring a gift if you can make it to both showers, even if it’s just a small token. If you can’t make the showers, you still need to send gifts for both.

BRITT:
WHAT ABOUT THE HOST OF THE BRIDAL SHOWER? AM I EXPECTED TO BRING A HOST GIFT?

BREN:
If you’re a guest, no, you don’t need to bring a gift for the host of a bridal shower (especially since many showers are often hosted by a group of ladies). If you want to bring a gift, of course by all means do so. Now, if you are the guest of honor—the bride—then you do need to provide a gift for the host(s) who has so generously given you a shower.