Say You'll Stay (20 page)

Zach drapes his jacket around Cayden and my arms fly around him. I pull my son into my arms as I sob. “You’re okay. Oh, thank God, you’re okay.” I touch his face and push his hair back to make sure he’s not bleeding.

“Are you hurt?” Zach asks.

Cayden cries in my arms and nods. “I fell. I tied Shortstop to the tree and then I couldn’t get back up. I’m sorry, Mom.”

“Shh,” I say and try to soothe him. “All that matters is that you’re okay.” I kiss the top of his head and look at Zach, who smiles and lets out a sigh.

“I can’t walk,” he says.

Zach doesn’t falter before he’s scooping my son up and climbing the hill. “Just hold on, buddy.”

Cayden’s arms wrap around Zach’s neck as he carries him. Once we get to the top, he crouches down and Cayden practically leaps into my arms. “I’ve got you, baby.” It feels like a dream. I truly didn’t know if we’d find him. I tried to focus on anything but the possible outcome where it didn’t end with him in my arms.

Zach’s hand rubs my back and the smile doesn’t leave his face. “You had us worried there, man.”

Cayden closes his eyes as a tear treks down his cheek. “I didn’t know where I was. I remember Uncle Cooper saying to stay along the water, but I didn’t know which way I was going.”

“You did the right thing,” Zach reassures him. “I’m going to call everyone.” He ruffles Cayden’s hair before turning away.

“Zach.” I capture his attention. “Thank you for keeping your promise. Thank you for everything.” I don’t think he can begin to imagine what this means to me. He is everything I could need tonight. Protector, savior, and friend.

He nods once and walks away with the phone to his ear. I hear him in the distance letting everyone know we found him. You can hear the hoots and hollers of people in the woods. The community came out in full force, and we’re all going home with a smile.

Exhaustion hits Cayden and he falls asleep in my arms. It hasn’t been more than five minutes, and he’s out. Between the emotional and physical things he’s been through, he’s spent. Zach comes back over and rubs the side of Cayden’s face as he sleeps.

“He looks like you,” Zach muses.

“Well, that means Logan does too.” I laugh and stare at the reason for my existence as he sleeps. I glance back at Zach who moves his hand.

Zach turns his head quickly. “They both do.”

“Zach?”

I don’t know why he keeps pulling back. I’m not exactly giving him the clearest of signals, but he’s not either. He’s dating Felicia, kissing me, leaving her at the bar, but she’s living with him. Plus, he scares the shit out of me. I’ve lived that pain. I’ve lived through more agony at the hands of men who love me than any woman should. Of course I’m wary. Now that he knows the truth, I’d think he would understand it more.

“We should head back. I’ll ride with him if you can guide Shortstop.”

“Sure.”

Getting Cayden on the horse with Zach is far from easy. He’s heavy and refuses to wake. After a few minutes, we get going. I ride alongside them as Zach navigates as if this is his land. It’s crazy how well he knows the area. My gratitude grows as we ride in. Neither of us speaks, but we keep glancing over at each other.

I wonder if I have the capacity to ever trust again. Has Todd truly taken that from me? I’m hurt, angry, confused, but somewhere deep down, I want to be happy. And I wonder if there’s a reason Zach is back in my life.

We move toward the barn and the quiet erupts in cheers and clapping. The whole town is here. I look over at Zach and he smirks. This is what country life is like. Had the tragedy I endured in Pennsylvania happened here, it would’ve been an entirely different scenario. My home would’ve been filled, food overflowing, and I would’ve never had time to be alone.

My father takes Cayden from Zach and squeezes him. Guilt and regret fill me. I robbed my father and mother of so much time with the boys. They never got to see them grow up, and for that I’m sorry.

“Mom!” Logan rushes out as soon as he hears the commotion. “Cayden!” He pivots, rushing toward his brother, and they fall to the ground.

My hand flies over my mouth as tears fall. As much as I don’t think I would survive, we would’ve lost Logan too. His brother is his world. They have a bond like no other. Logan finally releases Cayden and finds his way over to Zach.

A hand rests on my shoulder, and I turn to find my brother covered in dirt and sweat.

“Pres.” Shame layers his voice.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“I should’ve been watching them better.”

I place my hand on his. “I know you would never hurt them.”

He draws me into his arms, kisses my cheek, and ducks his head into my neck. My brother doesn’t cry, but he shakes as he holds me close. I can only imagine how scared he was too. Knowing that he had them in his care, that I’ve lost everything, and how it would’ve destroyed all of us if we lost Cayden.

“It’s okay, Coop.”

He shakes his head and releases a sigh of relief. “I’m going to get the horses ready for tomorrow.”

Which is his way of saying he’s still emotional.

“You should do that.”

People hug us, get to meet the boys, and chastise me for not coming to see them. It’s a long night, and the boys finally head to bed. Mama and Daddy escape not too long after them. As exhausted as I am, I can’t imagine sleeping.

I migrate to the back porch to watch the sun come up. Today is a new day. I need to remind myself of that.

Each time the sun rises, I choose whether or not to dwell in the darkness, and so far I’ve been choosing wrong. Todd made his own decision, but that doesn’t mean that my life can’t find new light.

I sit on the porch swing swaddled in a blanket with faith that we can start to heal. I know it won’t be easy. There’s a lot of things I need to come to terms with, but last night reminded me that I still have people to try for. The boys, my parents, my brother, Grace, Zach . . . I think about him.

How he makes me feel. How he’s always made me feel.

“Hey.” Zach peers at me as I shake off my thoughts. “I figured you’d be asleep.” He climbs the steps slowly as I get to my feet.

“I figured you’d be gone.”

I walk toward him, unsure of why he’s here. “I left for a bit, but wanted to come check on you.”

“Oh.”

He snickers. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Me either.” He’s close enough that I can smell his cologne. Even after a long night, being in the woods, he smells like home.

I take another step.

Then another.

I’m so close I have to tilt my head to look into his eyes.

I breathe him in, feel his heat, and I can’t stop myself. I want him. I
need
him. I grip his neck and yank his mouth to mine. I kiss him. I kiss him and give in to everything I’ve been feeling. He doesn’t waste a second. His arms wrap around me, holding my body against his. My fingers grip his neck, keeping him exactly where I need him. This kiss is frantic, but God it feels good.

His tongue presses against my lips, and I gladly open. As soon as our tongues collide, I’m done. I lift myself into his arms and his hands cup my ass. He holds me as we go at it like teenagers. We break the kiss when Zach slams my back into the post, but I dive right back in.

I need this kiss. I need him to remind me of the woman I am. I’ve loved him my whole life, and I need to be loved right now. He moans into my mouth, and I feel it in my core. I want to drown in him. We kiss and claw at each other. I have no sense of time or anything that’s not him.

After God knows how long, Zach cradles my face in his hands and pulls back.

My chest heaves as we both stare into each other’s eyes.

“I—” I don’t know what to say. I assaulted him, and the last time he kissed me, I slapped him. Now I’m leaping into his arms? Shit. What am I doing? “I’m sorry,” I say quickly and slide down. “I don’t know what the hell that was. I can’t believe . . .”

He sighs while looking around. “I couldn’t—I mean.” He runs his hands over his face. “I can’t.” Another pause. “I can’t do this.”

“I know. I don’t know what I was thinking,” I try to explain. “Tonight was just so much, and I’m clearly not thinking straight.”

He takes a step back and puts his hand up for me to stop. “That’s not what I can’t do.”

I’m confused. “What can’t you do?”

“Pretend. I can’t do this with you. You know why.”

“Know what?”

“Ask me why again, Presley,” he demands. “Ask me why she isn’t my wife. Ask me why I didn’t propose to her!”

My heart races, and my mouth goes dry. He steps toe to toe with me. His deep blue eyes, light brown hair, and scruff take my breath away. Zachary Hennington has always been the man who ties my stomach in knots. “Why?” The word falls from my lips before I can stop it.

The wind whips my hair around and the chill in the air causes goose bumps. “Because when you came back, I knew. I knew that I could never look at another woman like I do you. Every time I close my eyes, I see you. I’ve always seen you, Presley.”

“But you’re still with her.”

“No,” he says. “Not anymore. It’s not fair to her, even if you tell me you don’t feel the same. Even if I walk away tonight knowing there’s not a chance in hell of us ever being something . . . I’ll wait for you.”

My lips part and my stomach squeezes. “But—” I grapple with what he said. “You and her . . .”

He runs his hand across my cheek. “It’s over. I’m going to end things with her as soon as it’s not the middle of the night. She’s not the girl I want.”

“Zach,” I say hesitantly. “You don’t know me anymore. I’m damaged. I’ve been through hell, and I’m not even a piece of the girl you knew. I mean, if you don’t want to be with her because she’s, well, her—fine. But not because of me.”

“I don’t want you to say anything. Just know that I mean what I said.” His fingers fall as he leans in and kisses my forehead. “It’s not because of you, Presley. It’s because it’s always been you.”

He turns and walks away. Leaving me more torn up than the last time he left me. Now it’s my choice. And I have no earthly idea what to do.

“M
OM.” I HEAR CAYDEN SAY
from my door.

“What’s wrong?”

“Can I lie with you?”

It’s the second night this week he’s found his way to my room. “Of course.” I lift the covers and he climbs in.

Cayden rests as I brush his hair back. Cayden suffered with night terrors, and the only way to get him to sleep was to lie in his bed until he finally passed out. Todd could never soothe him for long enough, so I was the one who ended up cuddling with him. When they were little, I used to wish their time away, I wanted them to talk, walk, and feed themselves. Now, I would give anything to have those moments again.

His breathing evens out. “I miss him,” he says in a hushed tone.

“Who?” I ask, even though I’m fully aware of who he means.

“Dad.”

“I know you do.”

I’ve been trying so hard to rid myself of the anger that festers inside me. Knowing that we could’ve avoided this pain makes it damn near impossible to let go. It’s so hard to reconcile. There were no warning signs that this was what he was planning or even considering. I look back on the period of time when he was out of work, and I blame myself for being so oblivious. I should’ve known. I was his wife, his partner . . . I wrestle with my guilt every day.

“Was he sick?”

And this is the part I hate.

“No, not that we knew of.” I dance around with half-truths. I would say that to some extent he had to be sick. But that’s not what Cayden is asking me.

He turns over and faces me. His big green eyes are so full of innocence—innocence that I’m trying so desperately to save. The world is full of ugly truths; children shouldn’t have to be burdened with them.

“I want to go back home,” he says with tears in his eyes. “I miss my friends and my room. I miss Aunt Angie.”

“I wish we could. I really do.” I kiss his head. “I miss her too. But this is our home now. You have to focus on the good things about Bell Buckle.” I’m preaching to the choir.

“I like my horse.”

“See?” I smile.

“I like Uncle Cooper and Wyatt. He’s really funny.”