Scarleton Series I : Before the Cult (9 page)

Not this
again.

I reached her
and, to my surprise I managed to say it. “Hi,” I smiled at how
perfectly executed that one syllable word was. It felt as if I got
some pronunciation of an esoteric word correct in a spelling-bee
contest.

“Hello.” She
flicked her head and smiled. Her skin pale but cheeks rosy from
sheer make-up. Her eye brows artistically shaded and shaped in a
delicate manner. It reeked with a bittersweet goth touch, a
distinct instance of what defies heaven and hell. Her iris light
brown with lightning autumn yellow furrows. Her cleavage, I got
trapped in it, glistening and supple, a bosom for a honey heart.
All became foggy and I was no longer walking but floating, her
presence carrying me. A heady experience.

“How are you?”
my voice sounding foreign to my ears.

This is my
voice isn’t it? Why is it so surreal? I woke up this morning,
didn’t I?

“I’m fine. How
are you?” She gave a quick glance and continued looking down, not
slowing her walking pace.

“I’m well. I’m
Sandy. What’s your name?” I gave out my hand which went
unnoticed.

“I’m Kirst. You
can call me Krissy.” She smiled, offering her hand.

I wiped my palm
on my jeans and shook it. I was weak and gentle compared to her
firm handshake. “Why Krissy?”

“It’s what
everybody calls me. Is Sandy your real name or short for
something?” She giggled.

“It’s my real
name. Just Sandy. I don’t get why people always assume it isn’t.
Doesn’t make sense to me.”

“It is quite
unusual for a guy.”

Having nothing
to say, I resorted to the mundane – the safe.

“Um... how is
Psych?” I asked, faking the enthusiasm.

She sighed.
“It’s okay. Just gets tricky for me at times. How’s it going for
you?”

“It’s going
great. I’m kinda enjoying it I guess.”

“What other
subjects are you taking?”

“Philosophy,
English and Classics.”

She lightened.
“Oh, wow. I’m also taking English. Wanted to take Classics but it
clashed with Law which is like my major.”

“Law? You like
Law?”

She laughed at
my scowl of disbelief. “Yeah, why is it so hard to believe?”

I snorted,
gathering my thoughts. “It’s… it just seems impersonal. I like
things that appeal more to my human nature, stir my emotions and
passions up. Then it does not feel like studying when I study
anymore, it’s just pure bliss. Law just feels like… a slow boring
way of killing time.”

She burst
laughing. Then brushed my arm with her hand. “Hey, what study
method are you using for Psych?”

“Um…wow. It’s
hard to describe now. It’s just something I will have to show you.
I got it from a book I read a while ago. It’s really helpful.”

“Okay. Look I
gotta split now. I’m almost home. Give me your number and I will
call you over to show me sometime. I really need a study method for
Psych. Are you keen?”

I had always
hated the idea of studying with other people but for her...

“Yeah, it’s
cool. I don’t mind.” I shrugged, stifling the protester in me.

***

The atmosphere
blushed; we could sense it as our skins crawled. We breathed as if
we did not want to, all part of flirting and teasing with the air.
I could feel my heart pounding on the back of my throat.

She looked
down. “Hey, how are you?” Her tone was packed with genuine
interest. This was not a mere courtesy. This was the first thing
she said after letting me in through the main door, through a maze
of decorated (female residences always had colour and elegance,
they felt homey) corridors and stairs to her room.

I glanced at
her to find that her gaze was one of concern.

Having read my
face she added, “Haven’t seen you in class these days and you have
been very quiet. Walkin’ with your face down.”

She cares
about me. She seems to be able to see through me somehow. Good God.
She noticed
me.
No one ever does.

Although
reluctant I could feel my defences start to thaw. My jaws jerked
and I could feel my heart become dull. I was scared, felt like I
was being gagged. The room shrank in size.

“Are you just
asking that for the sake of asking it or you really want to know?”
I had a streak of impoliteness in my voice. I could not stand to
look her in the face, anxious that she would see
me
. I was
sore with the idea I am naked in front of her. My soul started
cowering to unknown corners as I stalled her. I wore darkness on my
face; I felt its weight on it – a numbing force that conceals
readable expressions.

“I really wanna
know,” I heard the suit of sincerity her voice wore but I couldn’t
see through that. It was mollifying.

Maybe I can
trust her. Yet how do I explain? How do I tell her? People are
never this forthcoming or any bit caring. Not in this kinda world.
She is like someone who has just walked out of my fantasy. Do I
tell her?

With my lips
pressed I smiled. “Is this some kind of joke?” I laughed dryly.
Afterwards I thought of how rude those words might have sounded.
She did not seem bothered, like she understood I was being blunt
with no intention of offending her. Were these ‘the jitters’ I was
experiencing? Maybe that is what she thought.

She laughed
lightly, only to accommodate mine. “No, it’s not a joke.”

Kindness
rippled from that voice, dislodging my restraints.

I could feel
the door to my heart creaking as it ope]/ned, left slightly ajar.
Where it was just right. Gently and lovingly.

This can’t
be real. This can’t be right. This is wrong
.

I sighed.
“Aren’t we here to study, I mean what if we get caught up in
conversation and we never really start?” I muttered, the words were
a shy away from moaning.

“I have all the
time. The night is long. We can always study another day,” She
gladly told me. “If something is bothering you we can’t just ignore
that or we won’t be that productive.”

I nodded.
“How’re
you?
”

“Um… I’m well.
Everything is fine.” She quickly replied.

She gave me an
eager glance. “How you doing academically, socially and personally?
I want some details. ‘Fine’ is very generic.” I stalled. Trying to
prepare how I was going explain to her what is going on with me.
Mind mapping. I was not going to let that stop me from hearing what
she was going to say.

“Academically
is going pretty, well. I am enjoying what I am studying and
everything. Except the reason why you are here. Which is psych?”
She glanced up, her forefinger to her chin. “Socially things are
pretty awesome. After the whole serenades experience I have gotten
to make a lot of friends, including here in my res. Things are very
smooth and looking up you know. And look, here you are as well.
This can also go somewhere. Personally… I kinda miss home. The
family environment and my siblings and all. They call me every day
so it’s kinda chilled. I feel like they are here in spirit with me.
I have been looking forward to this whole ‘varisty experience so
I’m kinda excited . I am stepping in this new phase and they also
kinda excited about it, you know. It still feels like it is one of
those things we are doing together as a family so it is not that
bad at all. Not that lonely.”

I nodded. “ You
seem to be very close with your family.”

“ We are. They
were all I had while growing up. They are like both my best friends
and family.” She raised her shoulders seeming to find it difficult
to elaborate. Like she was giving up on explaining it, but profound
things like these – as much as you do not have the words to truly
describe them – you feel driven into talking until you have said
enough or ran yourself into a senseless corner where you cannot
really say anymore. “ They are the best thing ever. God, I wish we
could all live together in one big house even after I am done
studying. Spend as much time as we can together. I dread the day I
will have to move out and make a living for myself. They are
everything to me. My biggest fear is losing my parents. I do not
know how I would handle that or deal with it. I pray to God that He
keeps them until I am ready.” She paused staring into the air. “A
boy who comes along and convinces me to move in with him or stay
with him will have to be worth it. He will have to be smoking good,
freaking magical that is. I swear to God. Haven’t you ever loved
something like that? Am I making sense?”

I was quite
struck. “I think I get you. There are such things in life where not
even a compromise is worth considering. I think I know what you
mean,” I assured her. I started thinking of home (the crop) and
Macfearson’s unshakable commitment to sampling (his was an
addiction interwoven with love, and after all to love is to be
addicted).

She fidgeted a
bit and leaned forward, brushing the hair behind her ears.“How
about you? Are you close to your family?”

I swallowed. I
could feel I was making some sombre face, slightly looking down and
my thoughts already hazy with…

“Um…I don’t
really miss them,” I spoke, evading the question. Nonetheless that
was crystal truth.

Her face showed
she misread my facial expression for contempt. “Is this part of the
issue you facing?”

“No. I just
never really saw my family that way. I’m neutral on the whole
issue. They are more like companions or people I just happen to be
with until some other ish happens. I’m numb towards them. I have no
ill feelings towards them or anything very affectionate. It is cool
that way. Lifts off a lot of the emotional baggage. I do believe
they love me and to some feeble extent I do too. I really don’t
care if that makes me a bad person, or not a person at all.”

The whole
conversation was now begging to give something off. These things
make me get lost and nostalgic about things or a place that really
does not exist. The delusion that it does exist is just
tantalizingly suicidal.

“Sandy, I can
see you’re stalling. Why?”

I let her
question resound in my head, slowly devouring the contents
required.

“Are you
afraid? “ she kept on.

You mean of
you?

“No,” demurely
I began.“ It is overwhelming. I don’t know where to begin or how to
put it. I would like to have a chance to think it over.”

“In
silence?”

I considered.
“Perhaps that would be best. It would be awkward though. This is
your room I can’t really dictate anything. No matter how troubled I
am I don’t have that right.”

“It’s okay.”
She appeased.

Too kind. You
are way too kind. This is just like in those soapy movies.
Fuck!

“How did you
know?” I asked, my eye brows creased with intrigue.

“Know what?”
she asked.

“That there are
things going on me with me. I know you spoke of not seeing me in
class but that could have meant anything from being lazy and
smoking weed to just plain careless.”

She nodded.
Exhaled. “Um, It’s just there in your face. You look like you are
going through shit. Half the time it seems like you are not here.
You have the face of guy who thinks a lot… no, I mean brooding. You
don’t think, you brood. You look awfully tired like the rest of
your life-force and enthusiasm has been sucked out of you. It might
just be you had a bad day, but from the look of your body language
and posture you just seem like you have been carrying this boulder
for too long.”

Very
observant,
I made a mental note.

She drew a box
of cigarettes from her blouse and a lighter. “Mind if I light one?”
she asked.

I shook my
head.

“Thanks, “ she
pulled her first puff, squinting as the smoke blurred her view. She
wanted to have a look at me, as if to make some judgment but it was
only because she had more to say and she needed a prop. “I find I
have the best ideas when I smoke,” she said, as a side note.

I stayed quiet,
waiting.

She continued.
“You don’t finish your words when you speak. They kinda die out in
the end. Very low voice. I know too well that it is not a sign of
laziness but a discouraged spirit, Sandz.” She paused for a puff.
Knelt back towards the window to ash. She shook her head, “Can I
call you that?”

“People call me
Sandman but Sandz is also fine. Carry on.”

“Can I offer
you wine or juice? Anything? You look very thirsty.”

I started to
realize my mouth had gone quite dry, probably from being struck by
all this. I would have asked how she noticed but it seemed best to
say as many few words as possible and not disturb her thought
process.

“Water ,” I
replied.

She got up and
sauntered to the book shelf and picked up a white mug. Stuck the
cigarette between her lips and bent at the purifier and poured me a
glass. In the same confident manner she delicately put it down at
the table in front of me.

She jumped on
the bed again and resumed her posture. “You have the look of
someone who has not slept for days.”

The words stung
so much I grappled for that numb feeling.

“Anybody can
have all these characteristics and not have the problems you are
having. So in the end is more of my intuition. And I have learned
to listen to the damn thing very well. I have learnt my lesson.
Your soul screams for help from a shadowed dark corner of an
abandoned location-less, meaningless, horrid room. It’s a terrible
scream, Sandz. Deafening .”

Puzzled. I just
stared at her like the meaning of all she just said was completely
insane.

She spread her
arms wide. “Can’t you feel the vibe in this room, Sandz?”

What is it
though? It’s been here all this time.

My heart
thumped and sweat broke from my brow, drips from under my armpits
began. And there, she saw all of it happening like a predator
standing over poisoned prey. I took a sip of quaking water from a
shuddering rim as I could not steady myself.