School of Fear (21 page)

G
REENLAND
F
UNGUS
— A fast and thorough disguise that will help you blend into any green background.

M
ACARONI’S
S
HOES
— he has a strange aversion to the sensation of cobblestone on his paws. His favorite yellow booties are in the back of the
utensil drawer in the kitchen.

Be brave. Words cannot describe my gratitude to the four of you.

Schmidty

While Garrison surveyed the list with the girls, Theo rubbed his temples to release the tension. Standing directly atop the
loudly ticking clock in the floor, Theo began to pace anxiously. The clock was the first door in the Great Hall and one of
the few located in the floor rather than the walls. As Theo trod gently over the clock, his right foot hit the clock’s metal
edge, cracking it open ever so slightly. Theo used his foot to further open the clock door. Silver wheels, pins, bolts, and
coils shimmered in the candlelight.

Lulu, Madeleine, and Garrison joined Theo to inspect the hatch when an excruciating pain pierced their eardrums. It was the
loudest sound they had ever encountered, pure auditory torture. The children grabbed their ears as Macaroni howled in agony.
Dogs have vastly superior hearing to humans, thus making Macaroni’s pain all the more intense.

The auditory feedback echoed through the hall, bouncing from door to wall to window and back. Theo buzzed with reverberations
as he threw his body against the clock door. Maybe it was the lasting effect of the clamor, but it wasn’t until Madeleine,
Lulu, and Garrison pushed against Theo that he could close the door.

Similar to the effects of a stun gun, the sound left the children and Macaroni completely still. Ringing swished from their
brains to their inner ears to their middle ears and finally their outer ears. It was a massively debilitating experience for
all involved. Theo, for instance, would normally bawl at being trapped beneath three bodies. However, the sound left him so
dazed, he merely shut his eyes. Lulu, who lay on top of Madeleine, pushed Garrison off her before wobbling to her feet for
exactly one point five seconds. She then collapsed in a pile next to the others.

Garrison carefully avoided Lulu’s body when he attempted to stand and regain his bearings. After years of playing sports,
he was accustomed to being tackled, though nothing could compare to the throbbing in his temples. As the blood began to drain
from Garrison’s head, a frightening thought suddenly dawned on him: Munchauser must have heard the noise.

“Get up! Get up! We have to get upstairs!”

From beneath Madeleine’s veil, Garrison saw a green complexion. She was clearly on the precipice of a barf attack. Garrison
pulled Madeleine off Theo while trying to ignore the intense pounding in his head.

“That’s what they should have used on Manuel Antonio Noriega Moreno,” Madeleine babbled incoherently to Garrison.

“Maddie’s delirious,” Garrison said to the others.

“No, I’m not,” Madeleine said defiantly, or as defiantly as she could without vomiting. “He was a Panamanian dictator; the
U.S. blasted rock music to get him to leave the Apostolic Nunciature, where he was hiding out.”

“How on Earth do you know this?” Lulu asked from the floor.

“I read a lot. Don’t feel bad, it’s terribly hard for my peers to keep up.”

“The ringing, the ringing. Will it ever stop?” Theo asked, removing his hands from his ears.

“It’s already been a minute or so. Why isn’t Munchauser down here?” Madeleine asked reasonably.

“There’s no way he didn’t hear that,” Lulu retorted, “even if he sleeps with earplugs.”

“My ears are still ringing. Do you think this is permanent?” Theo moaned. “I’ll be deaf within the hour. I’m the new Helen
Keller.”

“Except you can see
and
hear!” Lulu angrily exploded.

“Not for long.”

“You are
such
an overreactor,” Lulu said with an eye roll.

“Enough!” Garrison insisted. “We don’t have time for this. Madeleine and I are going to take Mac to pack food and get his
shoes. Can I trust you two to grab the smelly stones and fungus?”

“I wouldn’t trust me,” Theo said honestly. “Maybe to conduct a safety lesson, but even that I could mess up.”

“We’ll be fine,” Lulu said confidently as she pulled Theo toward the library.

The Library of Smelly Foods was easy to navigate, as the jar they went in search of sat alone on the bronze shelf. Theo, against
his better judgment, agreed to climb the ladder attached to the wall to claim the stones. He pushed himself along the wall,
getting closer and closer to the little jar, approximately three times the size of a thimble. Of course, every few seconds,
Theo felt it necessary to pause and shoot terrified looks to Lulu.

“Would you stop that? You’re
not
going to fall.”

“How do you know? I must be at least fifty feet off the ground. I could easily slip and die.”

“Try ten feet, and if you’re so afraid of heights, here’s an idea: stop looking down!”

“Don’t yell at me. This is very stressful. I’m like an air traffic controller up here!”

“Theo, I’ve barely slept; are you sure you want to test my patience today?”

“Way to offer sympathy, Lulu.”

Now in arm’s reach of the miniature jar, Theo closed his eyes and leaned to the right. After feeling around for a few seconds,
Theo’s chubby fingers stumbled upon the glass jar. He quickly leaned back, adjusted his grip on the ladder, and opened his
eyes. The small, irregularly shaped yellow stones were crammed tightly in the jar.

“Don’t drop the jar; Mrs. Wellington said the stones are the smelliest things in the entire library.”

“Would you tell an air traffic controller not to screw up because the fate of millions was in his hands? No, because you wouldn’t
want to make him more nervous than he already was, especially if his palms sweat when he’s nervous.”

“So let me get this straight, you’re the air traffic controller with sweaty palms?” Lulu huffed in frustration.

Theo groaned with annoyance while descending the ladder with one hand.

“I am serious, Theo, you cannot drop that!” Lulu screeched. “I almost died when she opened that steak. Just thinking about
it makes me sick!”

“Lulu Punchalower, will you shut your trap? You are distracting me, and I am already a highly distractible person, in case
you haven’t noticed,” Theo yelled back as he took another step down the ladder.

Lulu pursed her lips and remained quiet as Theo wobbled and groaned his way to the last step. Once back on the ground, Theo
smiled, mission accomplished. Approximately half a second after Theo smiled, the jar slipped through his soft, stumpy fingers.
Lulu’s face contorted in terror as she fell to her knees, plugging her nose in preparation.

Theo opened his mouth to scream “no” but found that nothing came out. As is often depicted in films, time slowed as Theo flung
his body against the floor. He extended his arm as far as possible, literally stretching his muscles to the max. A mere inch
from the ground, he managed to slide his cupped alabaster hand underneath the jar. It was a heroic moment, or so Theo thought,
as he lay on the floor, staring at the small and potentially dangerous jar.

“What are
tonsil
stones?” Theo asked as he read the small label on the lid.

“What?”

“It says
tonsil
stones, like the things in our throats.”

“I’m gonna barf. That is so nasty. It’s old food that gets stuck in your tonsils and rots.”

“Maybe you should hold them?” Theo motioned with the jar.

“No way.”

“Fine,” Theo relented. “What’s next?”

“Greenland fungus.”

Theo visibly cringed. Something about the soft, slimy surface made his stomach flip even more than the tonsil stones.

“Don’t worry, I wouldn’t think of giving you any more responsibility.”

“Finally, someone who understands me.”

A
fter passing a few hours in bed, sunrise finally arrived and with it the day’s daunting mission. Lulu and Madeleine groggily
entered the bathroom, prepared to make their way to the boys’ room, then downstairs. Lulu, a ball of tension at the prospect
of entering a hole in the ground, coughed loudly as Madeleine doused herself with repellent.

“Will you knock it off?” Lulu quipped.

“Excuse me, Lulu, but we are about to traipse through the homes of spiders, crickets, centipedes, millipedes, cockroaches,
and much more. I am more than justified in performing a thorough spray-down.”

Lulu touched Madeleine’s shirt, then immediately wiped her hand on her jeans.

“You’re soaking wet.” Lulu stopped to sniff Madeleine. “And you stink. What is that?”

“Basil and eucalyptus oils; they’re natural bug repellents. You certainly don’t expect me to brave the outdoors without extra
protection. I mean honestly, Lulu, it is hardly appropriate for you to fault me for defending myself,” Madeleine said sternly,
or as sternly as Madeleine knew how.

“It seems like overkill, but whatever.”

“Lulu, you are the most insensitive girl in the universe! Do you have any idea what I am going through?” Madeleine shot back.

“You? What about me? I have to crawl through an underground tunnel.”

“So do I!”

“Yeah, but you’re not afraid of them!”

“Yes, I see your point,” Madeleine said rationally.

At that exact moment, Garrison threw open the bathroom door, bleary-eyed from lack of sleep.

“Do you have Mac?”

“What? No, he’s with Theo,” Lulu said.

“No!” Garrison screamed as the reality dawned on him.

The foursome bolted down the stairs to the dining room, where they found Schmidty standing next to the Dire Disaster Door.

“He’s gone!” Garrison announced.

“What?” Schmidty asked with terror creeping into his voice.

“Munchauser stole Mac!”

“No wonder the chute was already open. I thought you kids did it last night in preparation,” Schmidty said as he fell to his
knees.

“I’m sorry, Schmidty,” Theo warbled. “I don’t know how I didn’t wake up! This is all my fault!”

“No, no, it’s not. I just can’t believe I’ve lost Madame, Mac, and now my home.”

“No! We’re not letting that happen,” Garrison said defiantly. “Maddie, hand me the satchel. We’re going to get Mac back.”

“The satchel’s gone,” Madeleine said sadly. “Munchauser must have taken it.”

“Forget the bag,” Garrison ranted as he lit the candelabra and walked toward the tunnel. “Are you ready?”

Madeleine nodded, then quickly sprayed herself once over in repellent. Theo ran to the kitchen, only to return seconds later
with fistfuls of chocolate.

“Theo, are you sure it’s a good idea to eat so much chocolate?” Madeleine asked kindly, worried he might become ill on the
journey down.

“I want to eat as much as humanly possible … in case I … d-don’t ever … get to … eat chocolate … again,” Theo stuttered between
bites.

Garrison lowered himself first into the tunnel, precariously holding the candelabra as he descended the rope ladder. Next
up was Madeleine, who silently prayed for a spider and insect-free journey before following Garrison into the tunnel. Theo
shoved the last of the chocolate into his mouth and hugged Schmidty with his chocolate-stained hands.

“Tell my family I loved them and make sure my mom doesn’t feel guilty about the cell phone thing if I die. I’m sure there’s
no service up here anyway,” Theo said with tears in his eyes.

“Mr. Theo, I can’t thank you enough. Be brave; I know you will see your family soon.”

Lulu, who had been unusually quiet, stood frozen next to Schmidty. While her body remained eerily still, her left eye twitched
rapidly.

“Come on, Lulu,” Theo called from the tunnel.

“I can’t … I can’t … you’ll have to go without me… . I can’t go … in there… .”

“Ms. Lulu, you must go. They need you. I don’t think they’ll be able to do it without you.”

Lulu’s breaths were short and stilted as she held her left eye, now pounding painfully.

“I can’t breathe and I’m not even in there yet. I’m sorry, but I can’t do it. I’m staying here with you, Schmidty.”

“Lulu Punchalower,” Theo hollered, “I need you! Who will be mean to me? Who will keep me in check if you’re not here? I’m
liable to have a bout of hysterical blindness if you’re not with me to tell me to shut it!”

“Chubs, I’m sorry,” Lulu said with deep disdain for herself.

“But Lulu, we’re like the Three Musketeers, plus one. It won’t be right unless you come.”

“I … I … can’t… .”

“Ms. Lulu, I understand. It’s all right. Who knows, maybe it’s better if you stay with me.”

“Thank you, Schmidty.”

“I know Madame would have understood if she were here. She probably would have eased you into the idea one rung at a time,”
Schmidty said thoughtfully before turning directly to Lulu. “Perhaps, in her memory, you could just go down to the first rung,
then come out. I know it would have made her so proud.”