Searching for Beautiful (17 page)

“I think she’s going to self-combust,” Emery says.

Christian takes me in with his too-blue eyes. “It’s cool, Bryntastic. I think you’re hot, too.”

He turns and walks away, leaving me battling the war going on inside between the parts of me that should tell him never to say something like that again…and the part that likes it.

…

“So what’s with you and the guy?” Emery asks as we take a seat in two of the chairs spread throughout the room. I’m not sure where Christian went, but I keep glancing around the room for him.

“Nothing. He’s my neighbor.” He’s also the first boy I ever danced with. The first boy I ever thought I loved. Of course I know now that I didn’t but at the time it had felt real.

“I wish my neighbor was that hot.”

I whip my head toward her. “Don’t you have a boyfriend?”

Her eyes dart around the room. “Shh! And no. I told you Max is my ex. You promised you wouldn’t mention him.”

“I’m sorry.” I have no right to care if she thinks Christian is hot, anyway.

“It’s okay.” She’s quiet for a minute, but I can feel her eyes on me. Feel them probing me for answers, and I’m not sure if I like it or if it makes me want to run again.

“Something happened, didn’t it? With you and a guy.”

Yes. Something did happen. My mom died and Dad got lost and I thought Jason loved me. I just wanted someone to love me again.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Whatevs. It’s no big deal.”

Earlier, I’d been looking for an opening with Christian, but here Emery is giving me one. As hard as it is, I know I need to take it. “I was pregnant, too… I lost my baby the day I found out everything my boyfriend ever told me was a lie.”

Her eyes go wide. “Oh no. I’m so sorry.” Absently she puts a hand on her stomach, as if to make sure her own baby is fine.

“I’m sorry about it all, too,” I whisper. There’s so much more I can say, but I don’t try to make the words come. Not today.

“Thanks for telling me. You’re actually pretty cool.”

I wrinkle my nose. “Umm, thanks? I think.”

We both giggle. She pulls up another chair and puts her feet on it like she did last time. Then, thankfully, she changes the subject. “I know. I’m probably milking it a little, but I swear, my feet do kill me.”

“That’s okay. You have a good excuse.” All her clothes look new. She’s wearing long sleeves and stretch pants under a skirt. “Where do you live?” I ask.

“A foster couple took me in. Can’t have kids of their own. I don’t get why that makes them want to deal with a pregnant teenager, but since I have nowhere else to go, it works. They eye me like a friggin’ hawk, though. I guess they don’t get that I can take care of myself.”

She shouldn’t want to take care of herself. I used to think the same thing. Not that my parents weren’t there for me or anything, but I just sort of thought I had all the answers. If that were true, Jason wouldn’t have gotten to me. “Will they get your baby?”

“What? No. That would just be creepy. I couldn’t live with the person who’d soon be a mother to my daughter. It would be too hard.”

My heart jumps at that. “It’s a girl?”

“Yeah…” She almost sounds a little sad about that. “We just found out not too long ago.”

The urge to take away some of her unexplained sadness rolls through me. “I was adopted. I got picked by the best mom in the world. My dad, too.” Then it’s like some of her sadness kind of leaks through to me. This ache fills the pit of my stomach for how much I miss my dad.

We live in the same house, but I miss him so much.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.” She looks down at her stomach. “I want her to be happy, ya know? I know who she’s going to and they seem like good people, but you just never know.”

Without even thinking about it, I reach over and touch Emery’s hand. “She’ll be happy. I know it.”

The words pulse through me. Ride on my heartbeats and swim through my veins. I want to be happy again, too.

“Thanks. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m so much more emotional than I used to be,” Emery replies.

Just then, Christian steps up beside us. “You ready to go, Bryntastic?”

I glance at Emery.

“See ya later,” she says and then mouths,
So hot!

Shaking my head, I say, “It’s not like that.” I stand up and again don’t let myself hesitate before saying, “Maybe we can hang out sometime? Like…do something. I don’t know what, but—”

“That’d be cool.”

“Okay, what’s your number?”

I gasp when Emery shoots out of her chair and hugs me. Her arms wrap around me so tightly, it’s hard to breathe. It takes me a second, but then I hug her back. As we stand there, I realize she’s not as strong as I thought. She needs people, craves love the same way I do. The way she hugs me shows that.

Once we unravel from each other, we exchange phone numbers. It’s not until we get out the door that Christian says anything. “I see her now.”

I stop and look at him. “Um, see who?”

“You. The girl I used to know.”

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Now

For the next week, Christian and I rotate who drives to school each day. We eat lunch in the hallway together. I wonder if he’d rather be with everyone else, but he seems okay, sitting on the ground, eating gummy bears and playing his guitar.

In my car on Friday after school, Christian’s in his own world in the passenger seat with his hood pulled over his head. I watch him pluck his jeans like they’re the strings on his guitar. His eyes are closed as he leans his head against the seat. His lips move like he’s singing a song. Little whispers come out of his mouth, but I can’t understand what he’s saying, so instead I watch his brown hair and see how it hangs around his face. I wonder what it would feel like between my fingers. What his little whispers would be like against my skin.

Emery was right. It’s not like I haven’t always known it, but Christian is gorgeous.

Beeeep!

“Crap!” I jerk the wheel to the left, embarrassed that I swerved into the other lane while watching him. I have no business looking at Christian like that.

“Spacing out, huh?” He chuckles and I know he knows what I was doing.

“Whatever.”

“We’re back to that word again? I thought you could talk to me now, Bryntastic.”

“I
am
talking. You’re just trying to embarrass me, and I won’t let you.”

“You’re hot when you’re feisty.” His voice is playful when he says it, but the words make me freeze again.
Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it.
I used to love to joke around. I can’t let myself lose that part of me. So I make myself roll my eyes.

“Whatever,” I say again with a smile.

He doesn’t reply. In some ways, he’s so wide open. Like he doesn’t have a secret in the world and he will say anything. But in other ways, I’m not sure I ever really know what’s going on inside him. He’s good at staying quiet and losing himself in his head. He wasn’t like that when we were younger. He was loud, always talking and screwing around.

I wonder if that changed because of everything with his parents. Because of things with his sister.

It’s only a minute later that I pull into my driveway. Dad’s car is in there, which surprises me. He’s not usually back this early.

“We’re home,” I say before realizing it’s stupid. Of course we’re home. Christian lives here. I’m pretty sure he recognizes the place.

“That we are.” He winks at me before getting out of the car. I take a deep breath and then do the same. My eyes dart to Dad’s car next to mine in the driveway before I look at Christian. He’s leaning with his arms on the top of my little Toyota.

“What are you doing tonight?” he asks.

I can’t help but wonder why he wants to know. He hasn’t asked me anything like this before. Does he want to take me on a date? The thought makes nausea and excitement strum through me at the same time. But then, one date will lead to two. That’s when guys start wanting more.

But I have
plans
. I can’t believe I almost forgot I’m going out with Emery. It’s been so long since I had something to do.

“I thought maybe we could hang out. I could work on my music and you might be able to do your clay stuff, or something.”

Oh.
This has nothing to do with a date. Just the fact that he knows I’m all screwed up and can’t do my pottery. “Pottery,” I tell him.

Instead of replying, he says, “Hang out with me.” There’s a huskiness in his words that sends me back to my previous thoughts. Could Christian, the boy I crushed on all those years ago, like me now? I don’t want it to happen. Can’t let it. The only boys I’ve ever even kissed besides a stupid game of spin the bottle were Ian and Jason. Ian never really cared about me, and Jason just wanted to use me. He saw a girl he could take advantage of.

I will never be that girl again.

“I can’t…”

“Brynn.”

“I’m hanging out with Emery.” It was the first day we could plan after talking at the center last week.

“Cool. That’s good. She’s cool, but I think she’s a little
loco
, too. Not like Ellie and Diana, but really crazy in the head.”

“Hey!” I wish for something to throw at him. “She is not. She’s nice. She’s my friend!”

The words just come out and I want to say them again. Because she is, I think. Emery is my friend. And I’m glad for it. Glad to have someone again whom I can call a friend.

Christian grins. “Would you defend me so strongly if someone called me crazy?”

Looking at him, I realize I would.

He’s joking. I know it, but I can’t stop myself from looking at him seriously and saying, “I would.” The nod he gives me says he knows what I mean. That he’s my friend, too.

“That’s what I like to hear.”

I freeze when Christian’s hand reaches up and he cups my cheek. Briefly, I close my eyes, just savoring the feel of his skin against mine. He’s gentle. So, so gentle. I want to believe it’s not an act.

“I should go.”

Christian nods and drops his hand, and I walk away.

…

When I get inside, Dad’s asleep on the couch. It’s not something I’ve seen a lot. Dad’s not the kind of guy for that. If he needs a nap, he goes to his room, and besides, he’s almost never home on a workday like this.

Glancing at my phone, I see that I don’t have much time before I need to meet Emery, so I head to my room to get ready. I change clothes before standing in front of my mirror to do my hair. As I brush through the red, I flash back to Dad on the couch. Wonder what he’s doing there. Maybe he’s sick? Has a headache… “Oh my God.”

My brush hits the counter as I run down the stairs and into the living room. My heart beats like crazy as I go. My vision blurs with tears when I fall to the floor by him. “Daddy! Wake up. Please wake up!” My hands grab his shoulders and shake him. His eyes pop open, fear reflecting in them, and I bury my face in my hands and cry.

I’d fought with Mom. Didn’t worry about her headache, and then she died. She looked so normal when I found her. Like she was sleeping. Like Dad.

“Brynn? Honey, what’s wrong?” Dad jerks up into a sitting position.

“I thought you were dead.” Nothing could have held back the words, even though I wish I could have. “I thought I was ignoring you while you were dying.”

“Oh,
dolcezza.
No, baby girl. I’m okay. Just a little headache. It’s not the same thing as Mom. I promise.” He climbs to the floor and pulls me to him. I let him pet my hair the way Mom would have. Listen to him shush me and call me his sweetheart.

I don’t know how long we sit like this. All I can think is I could have lost him. I could have stood in another room while he died just like Mom. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asks a few minutes later.

“Yeah.” My tears are drying and I feel stupid for them and want to cling to him, too, but instead I pull away.

“My sinuses were bothering me, so I came home early from work. I didn’t mean to scare you. Everything’s okay, though. You know that, right? I won’t leave you, Brynn.”

I look down at him. See him as he still sits on the floor, and it’s so unlike my dad, but somehow like him, too. When he wants to, he can say the right thing. It’s just that he loved her so much, sometimes the right thing isn’t as important as she was.

“Thank you. I feel stupid.” I close my eyes, wishing I could take back the last few minutes.

“How about we order a pizza tonight?” Dad stands. “Maybe rent a movie or something?”

“I can’t. I have plans.” I look at him.
If you ask me to, I’ll stay. I miss you.

“You’ve been hanging out with that neighbor boy quite a lot, Brynn. I don’t even know him. I’m not sure I like you hanging out with a boy I don’t know.” He crosses his arms. Not angrily, but contemplatively.

“What are you talking about? We ride back and forth to school together and that’s all. We went to the center once, but
you’re
the one who makes me go there, so that’s not my fault.”

Dad sighs. “I don’t want to fight with you. I’m trying here. I just think after everything, I’d like to get to know the people you’re hanging out with, that’s all. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.”

My face feels hot; a mixture of embarrassment and anger. “After everything? You mean after I seduced Jason, right?”

“I didn’t say that. Stop putting words into my mouth, Brynn, or you won’t be going anywhere with him tonight. I have a right to know who you’re spending time with.”

Maybe. But he also has the obligation to believe in me. It makes my chest ache that he doesn’t. “Mom would have trusted me.” The way his face pales, I know I just hurt him. But I’m hurt, too. “I’m not even going anywhere with Christian. I’m hanging out with Emery. She’s a
girl
from the center
you
make me go to. I’ll be back in a couple hours.” On the way out the door, I grab my purse.

Dad doesn’t try to stop me.

…

“The movie doesn’t start for an hour. Do you mind if we get some food? Eating for two, remember?” Emery points down at her stomach and smiles as I approach her. We decided to meet here to visit first, but hadn’t made specific plans on what we’d do. There are a few restaurants around us, so it makes sense to grab a bite.