Searching for Beautiful (18 page)

Her smile does something to break through the wall Dad built around me today. I almost texted her to cancel, but the second I saw her, I’m glad I came.

“Sure, we can eat. I’m hungry, too.”

“Thank God. I get grumpy when I don’t eat. You don’t want to see me grumpy.”

I laugh and we walk over to the little strip of restaurants. I expected today to be awkward, but it isn’t. As we walk into the little pizza place, I realize it’s the normality that makes it so perfect. It’s just any other day. I’m a regular girl, eating with a friend.

“Glad we’re eating, then. I can’t imagine you grumpy.”

We go to the counter and I order a Coke and a mini pepperoni pizza. Emery gets a root beer and just about everything in the diner on her pizza. We sit down in a booth and she says, “Excuse me,” as her feet push up onto the bench seat next to me.

“Sorry. I have to put them up as much as possible.”

“No worries,” I tell her.

Emery takes a drink. “Ugh. I hate root beer.”

“Why do you drink it?”

“Caffeine. It’s not good for the baby and this is caffeine-free. And I hate water even more than root beer.”

“Oh.” I look at my drink. I hate root beer, too. I never even considered having to change what I drank just because I was pregnant.

“How do you hate water? I thought everyone liked it.”

Emery rolls her eyes, but with a smile on her face. “No, silly girl. People drink water because you have to. Even I do sometimes, but no one really
likes
it.”

This time it’s me rolling my eyes. “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. It doesn’t even have a real flavor.”

“Exactly,” she retorts. “How can you really like something if it doesn’t have a distinct taste that you enjoy?”

Okay, so maybe she has a small point there, but still. “I promise you, there are people who love water.”

“Are not.” Her voice is playful, and I can tell she’s doing this just to have fun with me.

“Are, too.” I play along with her game of pretending we’re eight.

“Name one.”

“My mother” shoots right out of my mouth, but then I add, “Well, she did. Obviously she can’t love it anymore.”

I wait to see if she’s going to ask me what happened, but when she doesn’t, I tell her anyway. “She died. She had an aneurysm.”

“I’m sorry. That sucks.”

“Yeah, it does.” That about explains it perfectly.

“Oh, I forgot. I was bored the other day and drew this for you.” Emery reaches into her pocket and pulls out a folded piece of paper.

My palms are sweaty as I grab it from her and open it.

“It’s nothing,” she says. “Just a doodle.”

My eyes scan the page, taking it all in. It’s a vase, with hands touching it, arms ending on the edge of the paper so you can’t see who is touching it. My fingers yearn for pottery in my hand. My thumb brushes that paper as though I’m molding clay.

“It’s lame,” Emery whispers.

“No, it’s not. It’s awesome. Thank you.” It’s the nicest thing someone has done for me in forever.

“So what’s up with you and the hottie?”

I manage to pull my eyes from the drawing. “Emery—”

“It’s not a big deal, Brynn. Let’s talk boys. Tell me about you and the hottie.”

I sigh, knowing she won’t change her mind on this. There’s no question in my mind on who the hottie is. “Nothing. There’s nothing going on with Christian and me. We’re just friends.”

“He looks at you like he wants to be more than a friends. Friendship with a guy like that almost feels like a waste.”

I want to laugh at that thought because it is pretty funny, but I’m too distracted by what she said first. “Christian doesn’t look at me like anything. He knows I don’t want a boyfriend. Not that I think he would want to be mine, because I don’t, but it wouldn’t matter…boys suck.”

The waiter sets each of our pizzas in front of us. Emery picks up a piece and immediately takes a bite. Then she taps my leg with her foot. Her eyes soften and not in the way that tells me she’s feeling sorry for me, but one that makes me feel like she understands. “That’s what girlfriends are for. To make you feel better.”

“This is the first time I’ve gone out with a friend in a really long time.”

“I guess that means we really should have fun, then,” she says.

“Which is kind of a shame; I was really looking forward to being miserable.” My words are meant as a joke, but they strike a chord of familiarity inside me. I’ve spent so much time being miserable lately. I’m determined not to let myself do that today. “Now the pressure is on. I’ve changed my mind and I’m expecting to have a good time.”

She raises her glass and I clank it with mine.

“Most definitely,” she says.

Even more so than before, I know it was the right decision to come.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Now

We stay in the restaurant until about five minutes before our movie starts. And I laugh. A lot. Emery is funny and has an attitude and she’s very open about her life. I don’t ask her about Max, and she doesn’t offer, but she tells me about her parents and how she never got along with them. How she never felt close to them and she thinks the pregnancy was just the excuse they were looking for to kick her out.

When I tell her I’m sorry, she shakes it off and moves straight into talking about her foster family. How they remind her of a perfect family and sometimes she thinks they might be cyborgs, but I think she likes them more than she wants to admit.

Before we know it, we’re laughing again and talking as we make our way back to the movie theater. Emery orders popcorn and we go inside. The movie’s a comedy and I find myself thinking a few times how much Mom would have liked it. Romantic comedies were her favorite, but basically anything that could make her laugh. She liked to laugh more than anyone I know. I try to remember what she sounded like, but it’s almost as if it’s further and further away. Soon, I wonder if the sound will be gone from my memory, leaving an open space from where it used to be.

When I hear a buzz from beside me, I look over to see Emery pull her cell out of her pocket. It’s facing away from me as she looks at it, and then she turns it over in her hand again. When she glances at me, I try to look away, but I know it’s ridiculous. She had to have seen me looking at her. “Rochelle, my foster parent,” she whispers and I nod. It’s not like it should be any of my business who texts her.

Her phone goes off two more times in the last twenty minutes of the movie. I feel the vibration each time and I know it’s a silly thing to say, but it almost feels wrong. I’m about to tell her we can leave early if she needs to. I don’t want to keep her from something important, but then the credits are rolling.

“You ready?” Emery stands.

“Sure.”

Emery’s quiet as we walk out to the parking lot. Her eyes dance around it.

“Where’d you park?” I ask her.

“I don’t have a car. Rochelle is picking me up.”

“Oh. I can drive you home!” I feel like an idiot for not even thinking to ask her if she had a car.

“That’s okay. She’s on her way already.”

“I’ll wait with you, then.”

“It’s cool. You can go.”

“Okay. Thanks for hanging out. Maybe we can do it again sometime.” I definitely want to.

“Absolutely. I would love that.” Emery pulls me into a tight hug. “Thanks for coming. And for treating me normal. Most people just see the belly, ya know?”

“No problem.” My car is parked at the far end of the lot. I’m all the way there before I realize I don’t have my purse.

When I was young, I forgot my Minnie Mouse purse in the theater. Mom told me I should always keep it on my lap because it was too easy to forget it on the floor. I always kept my purse with me after that. Fear climbs through me. First, the sound of her laugh, and now, the purse. I’m forgetting her, forgetting the lessons she taught me.

As I race back toward the theater, it’s Emery who pulls me out of my thoughts. I see her get into an old, beat-up car that’s painted as many different colors as her fingernails. The person behind the wheel definitely isn’t her foster mom. It’s a guy with a shaved head who can’t be much older than us. Ice slithers down my spine. She lied. The guy is Max, I know it.

But then, who am I to talk? I saw Jason and didn’t tell anyone. When he called, I pretended it didn’t happen. Emery has a right to see who she wants.

As I watch them pull away, I feel like I’m doing something wrong. That I’m somehow letting her down.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Before

“Sorry, Sam’s home today. I thought about rescheduling but I missed you. I figured we could hang out here for a few hours to have some time to ourselves.” Jason kisses my forehead as we stand at the door to our hotel room.

“It’s okay. This is kind of cool anyway.”

“Wait till you see the room. I wanted something special for you.” He swipes the card. When the green light flashes, Jason opens the door and steps out of the way so I can go in.

And it’s gorgeous. There’s a plush king-size bed in the middle of the room. On the other side, there’s a hot tub by a huge window. The TV is mounted on the wall, smooth black accessories making the room look way more posh than anywhere I’ve ever stayed. “It’s incredible.”

“Thanks, Red.”

I kick out of my shoes and Jason does the same. We sit in the middle of the bed and talk about our favorite movies and about pottery. He listens when I talk about Mom, and asks about school and says how he misses it, now that he’s homeschooled.

After a while, Jason orders food and we continue to sit right there in the bed eating it. “How did you afford this, Jason? I feel bad. It had to have cost a lot.”

“I have enough money. And hey, it’s not like I have a whole bunch of other things to spend it on.”

Which I get. Ian was the same way when he got his job. His parents paid for his car and gas so he always had cash.

Once we’re done eating, Jason asks, “Do you wanna get in the hot tub?”

“I don’t have a suit,” I say but then add, “Though I guess I could go in my bra and panties. It’s just like a bikini.” Nerves tickle my insides but I ignore them. Girls do stuff like this all the time. Ellie, Diana, and I went in our bras and panties when we sneaked out to the lake with Ian, Todd, and Kevin one night. We just made the boys turn around and not look until we were in the water.

But then we’re not at the lake, we’re in a hotel room. It makes things more intimate. I love Jason and I definitely want to lose my virginity to him. Today might be the day, but then it might not, too. I’m just not totally sure.

“Absolutely. Hell, I’ve seen bra and panties that cover more than a swimsuit does. It’s not a big deal.”

Standing, I keep my eyes on Jason as he does the same. He pulls off his shirt and drops it on the floor. My instinct is to turn away but again, he’s my boyfriend. I shouldn’t be embarrassed to see him with his shirt off. But then… I’m not embarrassed anymore. My eyes take in each of his muscles, before landing on his collarbone. I have no idea why I focus there but I do, before my vision travels up to his messy hair that looks like he’s run his hands through it a million times.

My heart is beating a million miles an hour thinking of taking mine off in front of him, though. After taking a few deep breaths, I make myself do it. My cheeks are burning, but Jason’s words help wipe it away when he says, “You’re so beautiful, Red.”

Ian never called me beautiful. “Thanks.”

Jason takes off his pants and then walks over to the Jacuzzi in his boxers. Ignoring my threatening heart attack, I take mine off with shaky fingers. After laying them on the chair, I walk over to him.

“Go ahead and get in. I’ll grab some towels and stuff.”

I scramble into the water, hoping it somehow hides me and takes away some of the embarrassment. A minute later, Jason returns. He sets two towels beside us but climbs in with something in his hand.

“I wanna show you something.” He scoots over beside me and shows me an iPod. On the screen it says, “Brynn’s Playlist.”

“I know it sounds cheesy, but these are the songs that remind me of you. I want to add them to your iPod, too.”

The gesture makes my chest swell so much, I think it could burst. “It
is
cheesy…but sweet too.” It’s so funny how different situations are when you’re in them. I would tease Ellie or Diana if they got all mushy over a playlist, but when it’s the boy you love, the heart doesn’t always dislike a little cheese. “Thank you. I love it.”

Jason turns it on and sets it on the edge of the hot tub. We listen to my playlist, most of the songs about love, but some about sex. They play for at least an hour as we sit in the water and talk. This day has been perfect and Jason is perfect and I want to show him just how much he means to me. How much I love him.

“I’m ready,” I whisper.

“What?” He rubs his thumb on my cheek.

“I know I’ve been scared but I love you and I’m ready… I wanna…you know…be with you.”

This is the day I lose my virginity to Jason Richter.

Chapter Thirty

Now

Christian looks tired as he walks to my locker at lunch. He slides to the ground and when I sit next to him, he immediately picks up my lunch bag and starts to look inside.

I kind of love it. It’s so…intimate in a way. Something you’d do with a person you feel completely comfortable with, and I like being that person to him. I think back to that dance in seventh grade. How much I thought I loved the boy who is now pulling Cool Ranch Doritos out of my bag, and I remember crying in the bathroom because of him. Because he made me so happy just by asking me to dance. I wonder if that’s a good thing. That a boy could make me shed those kind of tears with something as small as a dance. I think it could be okay, as long as I didn’t lose myself in him.

“What?” Christian asks as he eats one of my Doritos before handing them to me.

I try not to blush. It’s not like I’m going to remind him of that dance. Tell him he’s the first boy I danced with, too, and that I thought I’d been in love with him. “Nothing. You look tired.”