Searching for Pemberley (33 page)

Michael and I walked to the inn in a light drizzle. I loved being out in the rain in the countryside. It wasn't something I was able to do growing up for the same reason I didn't enjoy getting caught in the rain in London. The air in both places was too dirty. There was a good reason why the English carry black umbrellas.

Because we had arrived at the inn when most of the guests had already finished breakfast, we were able to sit by a wood-burning fireplace. Because the family owned their own chicken coops, eggs were plentiful, even if the bacon was limited to one slice. Mrs. Rivers brought over a pot of Earl Grey tea and planted a big kiss on Michael's cheek, believing he was heading back to Malta.

After we finished breakfast, I asked about the poker game. Michael and Mr. Ferguson were the big losers, but he seemed unbothered by his losses. “Lucky at cards, unlucky in love.”

We spoke about the gala, the reincarnation of Montclair, the guests, James and Angela, and how she had charmed everyone despite speaking very little English. I talked about everything except what had been said the night before. After our dishes had been cleared, Michael asked, “Is there a point where we can talk about you and not my parents or James and Angela or me?” This comment was out of character. His mother would have accused him of being “peckish,” but I knew he had had even less sleep than I did.

Looking at the clock above the fireplace, I said, “It's coming up on 11:00, and you have to leave in a few hours. Your parents will be wondering what you are up to.”

Standing up and putting some coins on the table, Michael said, “My parents know exactly what I'm up to.”

It was raining harder now, and we had to use our umbrellas. Much to my relief, the rain made it impossible for us to talk. In a couple of hours, Jack would drop me off at the train station and take Michael to an airfield in Hertfordshire where he'd catch a flight to Germany. I needed time to think before I said or did another thing. After shaking out our umbrellas, Michael stopped as if he had something to say to me. I thought that this was his way of saying good-bye, so I offered him my hand. Instead, he put his hands around my waist and pulled me toward him. With his body pressing in on me, he started to kiss me, and for what seemed an eternity, he kept on kissing me, and then he held me tightly against him until I reluctantly pulled away.

I went into the house and immediately went upstairs, telling
Beth that I was soaked and had to change my clothes. Sitting in a chair and looking at the rain pounding against the window, I found I was shaking. I had never felt this lost in my entire life.

When Jack took me to the train station that evening, it was pouring buckets, so he pulled up right in front of the station. Michael hopped out of the car and got my suitcase out of the boot. Once inside, I started to put my hand out but quickly drew it back.

“Don't worry, Maggie. I'm not going to kiss you in public, but correct me if I'm wrong, you did kiss me back.”

“I don't know what to say to you, Michael,” I said with tears welling up in my eyes.

“You know, Maggie, there's one thing that's bothering me about Rob and you. You've been dating since, when, December? Why hasn't he asked you to marry him? If I were in his shoes, I'd be at the Registrar's Office applying for a marriage license right now.” He started to walk away, but then he turned around and said, “I would have married you yesterday.”

SHORTLY AFTER I RETURNED to the city, Rob called me at my office to ask if he could come by Mrs. Dawkins's house, so we could continue the conversation we had started at Crofton Wood. I had a pretty good idea of what was about to happen. If Rob was going to dump me, he would want to do it where I wouldn't be alone.

When Rob arrived, he handed me a single red rose, the same flower he had laid on the pillow the first time we had made love. I took the rose knowing that this time it had an entirely different meaning.

Rob looked exhausted. The long work days required to train his successors were taking their toll on him. Emptying his pockets of several packs of Wrigley's gum he asked if I would give them to the boys. I told him how much Teddy and Tommy would miss his stories about growing up in the Wild West and flying in a bomber, and he nodded.

“About our disagreement in Crofton—maybe you'll understand a little better if I tell you some of the things I have been
holding back.” Rob's leg started to shake exactly like his brother's had when he had been talking about flying into Berlin. “I know you were very hurt when my brother told you that no one in my family knew about you.” After hesitating, he finally said, “It's because you're Catholic. Greg figured it out and mentioned it in a letter to my mother. Next thing I know, I get this letter from Mom asking all of these questions, mostly about your religion. I didn't want to say anything because it makes my mother look bad, and she's really a wonderful woman. But I'd be less than honest if I said she wouldn't be upset if the two of us got married.” I actually didn't think badly of Mrs. McAllister since my mother was writing me letters asking why I had become involved with a Protestant. “Rob, I really do understand. My mother's been saying the same things about you.”

Rob flashed a brief smile, and then he continued. “That Sunday I went to church with you, I was thinking about how before every mission, Pat and all the other Catholics would kneel in front of the priest. He'd tell them to make a good act of contrition, and then they'd receive communion. By saying that prayer, that act of contrition, Pat told me that he would eventually get into heaven, and it helped him get through the mission. I envied him because I don't have any strong religious beliefs. I figured if I bought the farm, all it meant was that my life had ended when I was twenty-two years old.

“But before we get sidetracked on a discussion about religion, I want to respond to some of the things you said at Beth's. You seem to have the impression that once I got to a new town, I hooked up with a girl, and when I moved on, I dumped her.” Opening his hands in front of him, he said, “I'll let you decide.”

“I've already told you about Alice. She was very nice, but war or no war, we were never going to get married. It was one of the reasons I was okay with joining the Army. It gave me a way out that didn't hurt her feelings.

“As for Arlene, remember I told you that there was a lot of prejudice in Atlanta? Well, one of those prejudiced people was Arlene. I ended it with her weeks before I left for England. If she was sitting at home crying because of me, too bad.”

After telling me about Arlene, his demeanor changed, and he went quiet and closed his eyes. “On the other hand, I have to agree with you about Millie. She was a swell girl with a great sense of humor, and I enjoyed her company a lot. She was one of the people who helped me get through those thirty missions. But we did have the agreement I told you about.” Rob started to shake his head because he knew that no matter what had been said between them, Millie had fallen in love.

“When she came to the hospital in Oxford for the second time, I realized that her feelings had changed but mine hadn't. When I got back to Bassingbourn, I told her again that as soon as I flew my thirtieth mission, I was gone. But she said everything was fine. When I went to say good-bye, it got pretty emotional, and I felt like a slug. So I got blind drunk, and when I woke up, I was curled up in a ball in the pub owner's storage room. But I had to get out of Bassingbourn. I didn't want to hear about one more plane crashing or getting shot down.

“When Jack and I went to the Peak District, he talked to me about things that had happened to him during and after the First War. Pretty bad stuff. He wanted me to open up, but all I could manage was to tell him about this dream I have over and over again. On a mission to Cologne, I saw a Fortress from my
squadron get hit, and everyone had to bail out. One of the guys who jumped caught his chute on the plane. When he got free, the chute was torn and wouldn't open. I watched as this guy fell to his death from 25,000 feet. It was part of my job—everyone's job—to watch because when you got back to interrogation, you'd have to report on exactly what you saw so they could figure out if the guy was dead or a prisoner. In my dream, I'm the guy, but I never hit the ground. I just keep tumbling through space. I usually wake up in a sweat because I have this weight on my chest, and it makes it difficult to breathe.”

After telling me about his dream, Rob took a deep breath and continued, “This past week I've been thinking about you and about everything I should have said or done but didn't. And it's not just you. I should have gone to see Pat Monaghan's family. They wrote me letters inviting me to come visit them because I was Pat's closest friend. When I went back to the States, I was the navigator on a B-17 being delivered to an airfield near Omaha, but I never contacted the Monaghans.” Rubbing his temples with his eyes closed, he ended by saying, “That was wrong of me. Once I finish up in Atlanta, I'm going to go to see Pat's family.”

“Rob, I'm glad you're going to do that. I think it will do you as much good as it will the Monaghans. It's an important first step.”

Nodding in agreement, he said, “Maggie, the one thing I want you to understand, no matter what, is that I love you. When I told you that you were the best thing that had ever happened to me, I meant it. The problem is, I'm not the best thing that ever happened to you, and I'm not going to ask you to put your life on hold while I try to figure out what to do with mine.”

I couldn't hold back my tears any longer, and they were streaming down my face. Rob stood up, and I knew there was nothing I could say that would change his mind. I asked if I could see him off when he sailed from Liverpool, but from his expression, I knew that wasn't going to happen. “To be honest with you, Maggie, I don't think I could take it.” Opening the door to the foyer, he looked at me for the longest time before saying, “You do know that Michael Crowell is in love with you, don't you?”

“Why are you telling me this?” I said through a flood of tears.

“Because it might be more obvious to me than it is to you.”

I turned my back to him because I couldn't bear to watch him walk away. If at that moment the city of London had gone silent, the only sound to be heard would have been that of my heart breaking.

THE NEXT EVENING, I was lying in bed, with Rob's rose on my chest when Mrs. Dawkins came upstairs to tell me I had a visitor. For a split second, I thought it might be Rob, but she shook her head to let me know that it wasn't. When I saw Beth in Mrs. Dawkins's sitting room, I started to cry as I've never cried before. Beth put her arms around me and tried to comfort me, but I was beyond the reach of even Beth's kindness. Mrs. Dawkins tiptoed into the room and left a box of Kleenex and two cups of tea, but I continued to cry in great gulping sobs.

“From the very beginning, I saw it coming, but I still kept seeing him.” In between sobs, I explained, “I have nothing to reproach him about. He never made any promises.”

After I had finally stopped crying, Beth told me she was staying at her cousin's house in Holland Park, and she wanted me to come stay with her. I hadn't told my boss that Rob had gone back to the States, but he knew something was wrong when he saw me sitting in front of ringing telephones that I wasn't answering. He encouraged me to take a few days off.

Beth's cousin, Lady Patricia Alcott, welcomed me to her home, but after that, I saw very little of her. She was being very kind by leaving Beth and me alone. We started the next day with a walk through Kensington Gardens. Beth was waiting for me to say something, but I didn't have a clue as to what I was going to do.

“Maggie, I suggest that you not make any decisions as to your future for at least two weeks. Your first inclination might be to return home, but I think that would be a mistake. Your world has greatly expanded since you left Minooka. If you returned, I think you would feel as if everything was pressing in on you.

“I am confident you will be looking at things very differently and in short order. You have been so focused on Rob and how to make him happy, I think you neglected your own happiness. By your own admission, you didn't think your relationship was going to work out, but you stuck by him because he is a decent man. Loyalty is an admirable quality, but it cannot act as a tie that binds you to someone who is not all you deserve. After so many months together, Rob should have been drawing you closer to him. Instead, he kept you at a distance.”

“But Jack kept you at a distance.”

“Yes, he did, and because of that, our marriage has traveled a very rocky road. It is only in the last few years that we have been able to break down all the barriers that have separated us. But having experienced so much heartache, I don't want the same for you. And there is another reason why you might consider remaining in England. It has something to do with your love of history and
Pride and Prejudice
.”

When we got back to the Alcotts', Beth asked me to join her in the morning room. She handed me a box and told me to
open it. Removing the lid, I saw that inside were two diaries, and on the cover, in gold, were the embossed initials of Elizabeth Garrison Lacey.