Second Helpings (27 page)

So did you like it?

Well, youve done E, so you know what happens when youre on it, I responded, intentionally avoiding the question.

Its different for different people, he said. Did you like it?

I shrugged. I dont like the fact that Lens mad at me. That was true.

Good enough, he said, taking his straw out of his soda. But why am I here?

Uh I Uh I couldnt talk to Marcus about this. I couldnt tell him how close Len and I had come to having sex in the backseat of his Saturn last night. I couldnt tell him that the only reason we didnt have sex is that I let it slip that for the past year, I couldnt picture losing my virginity to anyone but Marcus, who just happens to be his best friend.

As all these thoughts swirled inside my head, Marcus released a few drops from his straw on the paper I had just folded. The coil sprang to life, like a snake. I remember more lines from the infamous Fall poem:

I taunted and tempted you

with my forbidden fruit

does that make me the serpent too?

Before I could answer that question for myself, Len arrived at the table.

Hey, said Marcus.

Hey, said Len.

Uhohheyimsohappytoseeyou! said I.

I jumped up to hug him. He kept his arms at his sides at first but then returned my embrace. He sat down next to me, which was a good sign, I thought.

Len cleared his throat. A-Heh-Heh-Heh-Hehmmmmmmm .

Last night, under the influence of Ecstasty, a drug that is often referred to as a truth serum for its ability to weaken ones defenses and reveal ones innermost desires, Jessica said something that disturbed me a great deal

Len continued talking for a very, very long time. During which I couldnt take my eyes off the snake.

In conclusion, I need to know what happened between you two that made her say what she said. You are my best friend, he said, glancing at Marcus. You are my girlfriend, he said, turning to me. I should hope that you will extend me the courtesy of honesty.

Marcus and I didnt say anything because we werent sure if Len was finished or not. He wasnt quite.

So the question remains, he said calmly. What happened between you two?

Now he was done. Marcus and I were still silent because neither of us had an answer for such a simple question. We looked at each other haplessly, helplessly.

Finally, Marcus stepped up.

Nothing happened between us.

Len coughed any remaining reservations right out of his larynx. Ahem ! Then what was she talking about?

Marcus looked at me. Im going to tell him, he said, very seriously.

Uh I replied, not knowing what he was going to say.

Last year, I tried to sleep with Jessica.

The snake was just a soppy blob at this point.

But she turned me down, he said. It was pretty humiliating, actually.

Len put his hand on my arm. Is that true?

Uh I replied.

So nothing happened, Len, Marcus said, sensing my hesitation. Dont worry about anything Jessica might have said under the influence. Take it from someone who knows. Drugs have a way of really fucking with your subconscious in a way that bears little resemblance to whats real. Its why people do drugs to begin with.

This argument sounded so much like the one I had rehearsed in my head that I almost thought that I had presented it out loud. But I know I didnt.

Len was now scrutinizing my face so intensely that I almost couldnt handle it.

Ahem ! What about now, Flu?

What about now?

Do you still want to have sex with my girlfriend?

Marcus took his lighter out of his pocket and flicked it open and shut. Marcus had stopped smoking, but he couldnt stop his hands from reaching for the lighter when he was what? Nervous?

Dont take this the wrong way, he said. But I never really wanted to have sex with your girlfriend. I just wanted to see if I could.

Click. Click. Click. Like bullets spinning in the barrel of a gun. Click. Click.

That was back when I was still using, he said, casting his gaze at me. I didnt know you then like I know you now.

And I was thinking, Oh, now that you know me, you would never sleep with me?

I didnt know that you and I would become friends, Len, or that you two would be so right for each other. So please know that whatever Jessica said about me has nothing to do with whats real, and how she feels about you. I happen to know for a fact that shes into you. Isnt that right, Jessica?

His question caught me by surprise. Marcus was right, wasnt he.? It was right, me and Len. We were right.

Right?

I looked at Lens pale, china-smooth skin, eyes as green as Heineken bottle sea glass, and delicate, guitar string-callused fingers. Geek cute to the bizillionth degree. If Len were going out with anyone but me, I would be madly, passionately in love with him. Or, at the very least, madly, passionately obsessed with him to the point where Id fill, then flambe, a journal devoted to him and only him. I just know it.

Right, I replied, hoping to make it so.

Len leaned over and kissed me for a little bit, which was rare for us because we are against PDAs.

Len is against them because he feels it is an inappropriate breech of etiquette to let your hormones and emotions get the better of you in a public setting. I am against them because I usually cant handle seeing anyone I know get physical with anyone else I know. I get all skeeved out. So why should / be any exception?

Id like to think Len kissed me in front of Marcus because he was moved by the power of our reconciliation. Most likely, he did it to mark his territoryme. And it worked, I guess, because when my eyes flickered open, I caught a glimpse of Marcus watching us with what I swear, I swear, I swear, I swear was a moist glint in his right eye. A tear.

A tear?

One that was gone a few seconds later when Len and I broke away. One that Ive since decided must have been a figment of my imagination, a drug-induced flashback hallucination maybe, and was never, ever there at all. Just another one of my delusions.

I live a lie. I really do. The pathetic thing is that I thought Id been doing a pretty good job at being real ever since I wrote that editorial Hyacinth Anastasia Wallace: Just Another Poseur last year. After all, I

stopped being friends with the Clueless Two, quit the cross-country team and the bogus newspaper, applied to my number-one school even though I know my parents wont approve, etc. But my E-scapade revealed that when it comes to love, Ive been as big a bullshitter as ever.

Since the summit, Ive been devoting as much energy as I can toward this relationship, to really give Len a chance. If I open myself up and let Len in emotionallythe way I havent allowed myself, the way I let Marcus in when I didnt know betterthere wont be a need to white-lie about the depth of my feelings anymore. Ill really be feeling them.

Right?

the fifteenth

Suicide Tuesday is the term used to describe the malaise that kicks in a few days after a weekend E spree. For me, its turning into Suicide January.

Ive been vaguely concerned about what would happen when the next edition of Pinevile Low hit in-boxes. After all, it was the first time that the Mystery Muckraker had Darling dirt to dig up.

Scotty assured me that he was keeping quiet about it so as not to get Mandas tits in a snit.

Oh, Ill keep doing her until you come around, he said in a rare moment when Manda wasnt on his lap or in his mouth or otherwise attached to him. You cant deny what we have. Scotty said that last sentence in what I know he thinks is his sexy voice. Ack.

I was pretty positive that Marcus wouldnt say anything, if only out of respect for his best friend. Though when it comes to Marcus, I never seem to know anything.

When I casually mentioned to Len that I didnt think anyone else was privy to my idiocy, he, well lets just let the conversation speak for itself.

Um. My mom knows.

WHAT?!

Urn. I told her about it.

WHAT?! WHY?!

I tell my mom everything. Um. Almost.

Then he cleared his throat and delivered a sermon about the importance of respecting ones elders, especially those who brought us into the world and have fed us and clothed us and provided shelter for us, so it behooves us to be fine, upstanding members of the household, and in order to do that, we need to be truthful.

SO YOU TOLD HER THAT I GOT HIGH AND ALMOST HAD SEX WITH YOU IN HER CAR? I said this a lot louder than one should say something that one wants to keep a secret.

Um. Yes.

No wonder Mrs. Levy has been treating me like a drug-addled skank who wants to deflower her fine, upstanding son. BECAUSE THATS WHAT I AM. AND SHE KNOWS IT. I am going to have to launch into wholesome, overachieving overdrive if I want to win her over, which I do, mostly because every parent who has ever met me has loved me, and I just cant stand the idea of Lens mom not loving me, especially since Im the person dating her son.

As disturbing as this is, it doesnt explain how the Mystery Muck-raker found out about New Years Eve. This morning, in Times New Roman glory, my misdeeds were made public.

WHAT NEVER-DO-WRONG BRAINIACS DELAYED THEIR DOUBLE DEFLOWERING AFTER HE FOUND OUT THAT SHE HAD GOTTEN HIGH WITH THE MOST POPULAR, BEST LOOKING ATHLETE?

My decided course of action: Deny, deny, deny! I never considered for one second that Id be issuing denials of an entirely different sort.

Omigod! Sara wailed, clutching the e-mail in one hand and pointing a plump finger with the other. Its totally you!

I had anticipated this, but that didnt stop me from gnawing on my lip. What is it totally me?

This proves that you are totally behind Pinevile Low !

What?

Omigod! You are so totally the one writing all this stuff! I swear I am going to hire a detective! I swear it!

How does this prove that its me? I asked, perplexed by her logic.

Because you know were on to you! So you posted items about yourself!

Why would I want to damage my reputation like that?

Puh-leeze!

Manda had emancipated herself from her homeroom for this confrontation.

Puh-leeze, what?

No one would ever believe that Pinevilles very own virgin queen would ever do anything illegal or immoral! Miss Perfect! Miss I Dont Do Anything Wrong!

Mandas strident hysterics revived Rico Suave from his pre-coffee coma. Miss Powers, where are you supposed to be right now?

Manda was not about to be silenced. But if you think Im just going to let you boost your ego with false claims about my boyfriend, you are sadly mistaken. And she marched off, leaving Rico Suave and the rest of the class to wonder what the hell had just happened.

When the bell rang, Marcus came up to me and said, Told you so.

He had, you know. Told me so. Only I didnt write about it when it happened because I felt like it conflicted with my efforts to focus all my energy on Len. But now it seems sort of necessary.

I felt like I had to thank Marcus for how he handled himself at Helgas. His version of our history wasnt the full truth, but it wasnt exactly a lie, either. Quite frankly, I dont know how I would describe what happened between us if I was hooked up to a polygraph.

Not to get all philosophical, but what is reality anyway, when no two people can ever see the same thing in the same exact way? Reality is a lot more subjective than people like to think it is. People like Len want to believe that there are definitive answers to everything because it gives the illusion of order in what is really just a crazy, chaotic, messed-up world. When it comes down to it, isnt reality just a matter of one persons opinion versus anothers?

That said, Marcuss version of our history, in my opinion, is as good as any, only better because it managed to salvage my relationship with Len.

I was paranoid about Pinevile Low , and had given up any hope of conducting any conversation of substance at school. So this past week end, I showed up at Silver Meadows when I knew hed be there.

Well, well, well, Gladdie yowled. Lookie who weve got here!

Hey, Gladdie, I replied, looking around the crowded rec room. It was almost time for bingo.

Who ya lookin for, J.D.? she asked in a too-innocent tone that betrayed her knowledge of the answer.

No one, I lied. Im here to see you!

Gladdie laughed heartily at that one. What are ya gonna do next? Try to sell me the Brooklyn Bridge?

Huh?

You shyster, you, Moe said.

Why dontcha just fess up that youre here to see Tutti Flutie?

Uh

He was just here, ya know. But he cleared out when he saw you pulling into the parking lot.

He did?

He said he was respecting your privacy.

He did ?

Yes he did, didnt he, Moe?