Second Helpings (37 page)

Ask him the next time you see him.

Bridget, youre missing the point!

Whats your point?

What was my point? Was I feeling sinful because I made out with anyone at my grandmothers wake? Or was I feeling dirty because I made out with Marcus, of all people, at my grandmothers wake? Or was I feeling hypocritical because I had just spent a bizillion hours on the phone trying to explain to Hope why he was an evil genius, and it would be extremely messed up for me to have this intense kissing episode with someone I considered to be an evil genius? Or was I feeling idiotic for putting off such an amazing total-body blissful kissing episode for so long? Or was I feeling guilty BECAUSE I GOT CAUGHT?

When I told Bethany that Marcus and I had been talking , that I wanted some privacy , so he could help me cope with my grief , she simply said, despite all the evidence to the contrary (the razor burn, the pork-chop lip gloss, the hickey), Whatever you say, and left it at that. I can only attribute her coolness to a nine-months-pregnant hormonal cocktail. However, it didnt make the situation any less mortifying. The only thing that makes me even remotely okay about this whole thing is knowing that my making out with Marcus wouldve made Gladdie extremely proud. Its exactly what she always wanted to happen.

My thoughts were interrupted by the whoosh of the front door downstairs.

Your mom? I asked.

Bridget barely shook her head. Two sneakers pounded up the stairs and showed up as crimson footprints all over Bridgets neck.

Good morning, mon amie !

In this contextspecifically, Bridgets house at nine A.M. on a Saturday morning, I couldnt quite place the voice. Even when I saw Pepe in the doorway, I still had trouble piecing things together.

Bridgets face was redder than a thermometer in a heat wave. They shot each other nervous looks before Pepe finally said, Look who it is. My two favorite Anglican Princesses!

The ease with which Pepe had entered the bedroom made it clear that he had been here many, many times before. Then it hit me. This wasnt a hapless crush. This was real.

Holy shit! You two are going out!

Pepe and Bridget exchanged sheepish smiles.

BRIDGET! YOU LIED!

She bashfully held up her palms in resignation.

I still couldnt get over this. Not so much that they were a couple, but that Bridget had lied about it. About anything. Bridget NEVER lies.

YOU LIED!

Pepe sat down next to her on the bed and held her hand.

She did, he said.

You lied, I said again, quieter.

We both did.

How long has this been going on?

Since the play, she said. October.

Holy shit! Youve kept this quiet since October?

Trying to, Pepe said. But Pinevile Low isnt making it easy.

But why? Is it, uh, because of the interracial thing?

They both laughed.

Why, my Caucasian friend, I never pegged you as a Klansman, Pepe said, smiling.

Not me, I dont care, but you know, Pineville at large

We didnt do it because of the black/white thing, Bridget said.

We did it to keep it real, Pepe said.

So no one would, like, get in our business.

So no one would spread rumors.

So Skankier wouldnt jump his bones.

That girl is busted. Id never leave you for her, Pepe said while tenderly stroking the inside of her wrist.

A girl has got to be on guard, though, because its, like, only a matter of time before she gets tired of Len, Bridget said.

I sat there for a moment, still taking all of this in.

Why dont I ever see anything coming? I asked, almost to myself.

What? they asked.

I mean, I consider myself to be a pretty observant person. I see too much going on, which is why I cant sleep at night. But why am I always shocked by people, even when their behavior seems so obvious after the fact?

It was a rhetorical question, really. I hadnt expected Bridget or Pepe to have an answer, which just proves my point.

Maybe its because youre, like, too busy thinking about yourself, Bridget offered.

I must say that I was taken aback by this attack on my character.

Excuuuuuuse me?

Bridget tugged on her ponytail. You kind of, like, see people as you want to see them, as they fit in with your view of things, she said. And youre so busy seeing people from that angle that you cant see whats really going on.

Do you agree? I asked Pepe.

He nodded.

Like with Len dumping you, Bridget continued. You were so busy worrying about Manda sleeping with Marcus that you didnt even notice how much attention she was laying on your boyfriend.

Uh-huh.

And with us. I think you were, like, so set on seeing Percy as your little French friend who had a crush on you, and me as someone who only dates pop stars and football players, that you couldnt accept us as a couple, even though we didnt do much to hide it in front of you.

I wanted to change the subject because I did not like the fact that Bridget of all people had just psychoanalyzed me with such accuracy. Maybe she should study to be a shrink in college.

But you lied, I repeated dumbly.

I, like, had to, she said, turning to Pepe. He was worth lying about.

Then she went on to explain how she hated how personal things got so public. Like how last year, everyone in school found out that Manda slept with Burke when he was supposedly so true to Bridget, or how her one stupid, insignificant date with Kayjay Johnson was still inspiring Hummers to drag her reputation through the dirt. She was tired of it. So when she and Pepe started falling for each other, they figured the best way to keep their love from getting tainted by outside influences was to keep it to themselves.

You wont tell anyone, right? Bridget asked when she finished.

Of course not, I replied.

Then Pepe leaned over and kissed Bridget on the cheek, which skeeved me out.

Its not just them. I cant handle seeing any people I know sharing any form of intimacy. No surprise when it comes to nasty couples like Manda and Scotty, Manda and Len, or Manda and anyone , for that matter. But even with sweet couples that Im rooting for, like Pepe and Bridget, I get grossed out when I see them holding hands or exchanging the driest kisses.

I used to think that my inability to deal with others PDAs meant that I was jealous, or maybe just incredibly immaturethat is, until I caught a glimpse of myself in action, and got even more freaked out than I did when I saw someone else. Id catch glimpses of Len and me fooling around in his rearview mirror and it was like, EWWWWWWWWWW. Who are those people ?

I knew not to open my eyes yesterday, because if I caught a glimpse in the mirror and saw what I was doing and what Marcus was doing what we were doingI knew I wouldnt do it anymore, even though every last cell in my body was telling me to please, please, please keep going, going, going

Gone.

the fifth

You are not going to believe this. I still dont believe it myself.

Gladdie left behind nearly a half-million dollars in cash and investments.

No one in my family knew she was so loaded. Not even G-Money, whom she had consulted for financial advice years ago. He had no idea that shed actually listened to his investment strategies. Whats more, unlike G-Money, she had the sense to cash out before the crash.

An even bigger kick in the head? Her financial savvy was well known at Silver Meadows.

She loved the stocks, Moe said.

She did? asked my dad, mom, sister, and I.

It was a hobby for her, he said.

It was? we asked.

Shed spend hours pouring over the bulls and the bears in the Wall Street Journal , Moe said. Thats what she called the stock indexes. The bulls and the bears.

Really?

And she never missed the Money Honey on CNN, he said. Gladdie loved that gal.

The Darling/Doczylkowski family just stood there, mouths agape.

Some money was left to charities, but most of it was for the four of us, the next of kin, with a huge chunk of it50K!!!!going to yours truly.

And in classic Gladdie fashion, she was very specific about how I should use it:

This money is to be spent doing what it is that you want to do, J.D. If you dont know what that is, dont spend it until you figure that out. And dont let your parents try to talk you into using it how they want you to use it.

To me, this meant one thing: college.

Fifty grand would pay for tuition, room, and board for about three and a half semesters at Columbia. I could take out loans and do work study for the rest. I dont need my parents permission, approval, or pock-etbook. I canand willdo this on my own if I have to.

Finally, I can be free.

So why do I still feel trapped?

the sixth

To me, the revelation about Gladdies secret pastime is ultimately more shocking than the money itself. It started me thinking about how little you can actually get to know about a person. You can talk to someone, spend time with that person, share experiences and emotions and bond in all the ways that we like to think were bonding or whatever, but it still doesnt get you any closer to someones secret self. All couples through the ages have been kidding themselves. No one ever really gets to know anyone in this world. Its a collective delusion that makes love (or lust, for that matter) possible.

All of these thoughts have everything to do with the fact that I had to face Marcus in school today.

I kissed Marcus, but do I know him any better now than I did before? Not at all. I only know the Game Master, but thats not really him. He doesnt know me any better now, either. I wasnt really me when we were fogging up the bathroom mirror. I was, as Bridget pointed out, under emotional duress, which means Marcus was taking advantage of me at my weakest. That was a really shady thing to do, wasnt it?

We kissed. So what? Kissing is nothing these days. Kindergarteners kiss. Did it really mean anything? No. Did it bring us any closer? No. Do I understand him any better? No. Does it make a difference in our lives? No.

Since this was a totally insignificant nonevent, I decided that I wouldnt say anything about it at all. I would just ignore that it happened. I would say Hey to Marcus as usual, maybe even thank him for coming to Gladdies wake, but thats as far as it would go.

Why I thought the Game Master would make it that easy is beyond me.

Hey, Jessica, Marcus said in a voice that was softer, more careful than usual.

Hey, Marcus, I replied casually. Thanks for coming to Gladdies wake. It was very nice of you.

I gathered my books to head to homeroom, but he stopped me in my tracks, simply by standing there with his hands rattling inside his pockets.

You okay about everything?

Uh Im still sad, of course.

Naturally, he said. But I meant, you know

I tried to avert my eyes, not wanting to go where he wanted to go with this conversation. So I took an alternate route.

Did you know Gladdie was a financial genius?

His posture relaxed, but his hands stayed in his pockets.

Everyone knew.

Then why didnt you tell me?

His clasped his hands in front of his chin, as if in prayer.

Because you told me to stay out of your business, he said.

I snorted. That never stopped you before.

He squeezed his hands tighter. Jessica, I want to talk about what happened.

No, I said, getting hot and jumpy. I dont know what it was about his not telling me about Gladdie that had anything to do with anything. All I knew was that I was upset by the notion of his knowing something about my own grandmother that I didnt.

I want to talk about this. You claim that you want to stay out of my business, but then you go ahead and get involved, anyway.

I cant believe youre getting upset at me. I only wanted what was best for you.

Thats not your responsibility, I said.

And why not? he asked, his body rigid with tension.

Well, youre not my boyfriend.

Being your boyfriend will not make this any more real, Jessica. Ive been the boyfriend of dozens of other girls, and none of those relationships were real.

Well, neither is this one.

He took a step toward me, and I backed away. He leaned in so only I could hear him.

When are you going to stop doing this?

Doing what?

Pushing me away.

I am not pushing you away, I said shakily. Gladdie had accused me of doing the exact same thing.

Oh, yes you are, he said, louder this time, placing his large, calloused hands on my shoulders to keep me in my place. You are doing your best to push me away. And you know what? Im finally going to do you a favor and not push back. You want me out of your life? Consider me out.