Second Helpings (33 page)

Bridget sighed. Hes gay, Jess.

I know. What does that have to do with anything?

Its just that since Len dumped you, youve kind of, like, gotten re-obsessed with Paul Parlipiano.

Uh I have not!

She stuck her ponytail in her mouth and mumbled a Whatever.

Okay, maybe I have gotten a little too excited about the Snake March, but I was just publicly humiliated by my ex-boyfriend and Skankier, whose hand-holding and pecks on the cheek are just too nau-seatingly chaste to be for real. Is it so wrong for me to want to focus my energy on someone who seems to have only the best intentions for me? Its merely coincidence that he just happens to be my former obsessive object of horniness, my crush-to-end-all-crushes.

I know hes gay and that theres no chance of anything happening, I said. Its just that I think its cool that Ive received an invitation from someone I thought would never, ever know I even existed.

A gay someone, she clarified unnecessarily.

I just glared.

Well, if your nondiscriminatory protest with your gay date doesnt, like, rock your world, you can always meet up with me at the bookstore to give Hy a piece of your mind.

Maybe, I said.

Arent you, like, still pissed? she asked, her aquamarine eyes blinking madly, beautifully. Dont you want to vent?

I shrugged.

Percy is helping me to write a script, she said. So my telling her off will be like a role Im playing. That way I wont, like, screw up or lose my nerve.

Bridget is the only other person who remembers that Hys book came out at all. Its funny how little impact Bubblegum Bimbos ended up having on our school. The sad fact is, Pinevilles population doesnt read. Weve got six Wawas and eight liquor stores, but you have to drive twenty miles outside town limits to find a bookstore. PHS students just couldnt take a time-out from their kegging to read it, opting to wait for the movie, which is due in theaters sometime in 2003. But who knows if theyll even go see it? With the exception of Sara, who never forgets anything, Pineville High has a notoriously short attention span. If Hy really wanted to make maximum impact, she wouldve sold her rights to MTV and had Bubblegum Bimbos turned into a twenty-two-minute mini-movie wedged between Cribs and Becoming .

Im still sort of working through my whole Jenn Sweet identity crisis. Its been pretty depressing to admit that I will never be one-bizillionth as cool as my alter ego. Jenn Sweet is not the kind of girl who gets publicly humiliated by her ex-boyfriend and the resident hobag. Thats because Jenn Sweet is not the kind of girl who would have gone out with Len in the first place if she knew deep down that he was not the right person for her. Or maybe she would have given him a chance, but she certainly wouldnt have stuck it out with him as long as I did. I dont know. I still find myself asking, What Would Jenn Do? even when I know that trying to be like her (like I did on New Years Eve) will only lead to certain disaster.

But its not like being myself does me any better. Maybe I should ask Pepe to script my whole life, so I never screw up or lose my nerve.

the seventeenth

After the Piedmont fiasco, I thought my parents would refuse to go out in public with me ever again. Unfortunately, I was wrong. They joined me at Silver Meadows today for its annual St. Patricks Day celebration.

I was happy to see that Gladdies outfit and walker were completely color-coordinated in shades of green. I had started to worrythat her mismatching was a sign that at ninety-one, she was finally slipping. But there were no signs of any new slippage today as she did a modified, walker-aided gig with Marcus to a tin-whistle ditty about sassy Irish lassies.

Marcus was wearing a KISS ME IM IRISH T-shirt.

Nice shirt, I said.

It was a gift from your grandmother, he said.

Pucker up, J.D.! Gladdie bellowed.

What my grandmother lacks in subtlety she makes up for in volume.

Im not convinced that Marcus here is really Irish, I said.

Im one-quarter Celtic, he said, tipping his green plastic hat. And just take a look at this red hair.

PUCKER UP!

Ill give you one-quarters worth of a kiss, I said, kissing my palm and blowing it in his direction.

Oh, you disappoint me, J.D., Gladdie said, shaking her head.

And Marcus, very uncharacteristically, didnt say anything at all. That is, until my mother swooped in and asked the inevitable question.

Sooooooooooooo, Marcus, she cooed, fluffing out her highlights. Where are you going to college next year?

I had been wondering the same thing. The last I had heard from Len, back when we shared these things, was that Marcus hadnt even taken his SATs.

Im not going to college, he said.

What?! my mom, dad, and I asked simultaneously.

Im not going to college.

I played along. Why arent you going to college ?

I dont need a degree to get by in life.

Well, thats convenient, I replied. Now I can visit you and Bridget at McDonalds next year.

Just because youre conflicted about your college plans doesnt mean you should project those fears on me.

My parents jumped on that one.

She is conflicted, isnt she? my mom pried.

One minute its Piedmont, the next its Williams! Dad said, turning purple with frustration.

Oh, its Williams now, is it? Marcus asked.

I shifted in my seat.

His eyes darted toward my parents, then returned to me.

If I were going to college, however, I would definitely consider going to school in New York City.

WHAT WAS HE DOING??????? AND HOW DID HE EVEN KNOW TO DO WHAT HE WAS DOING????????

May I talk to you for a moment? I asked, through clenched teeth.

It was nice seeing you again, Mr. and Mrs. Darling, he said politely while shaking my dads hand.

He pulled me over to a quiet corner.

Len, he said, before I even asked. I know about Columbia through Len.

Len had become such a nonentity in my life that I had forgotten there was ever a time I tried to confide in him simply because he was my boyfriend.

Why do you always have to step in where youre not wanted? I asked. This whole Columbia thing is very complicated already and I dont need you making it a bigger clusterfuck than it already is.

He opened his mouth to say something, then snapped it shut.

What?

Nothing, he said, turning away from me. Nothing at all.

Ha! If theres one thing Ive figured out, its that when it comes to Marcus and me, nothing is nothing at all. the twenty-first

Scotty burst into the library after school today, all muscle and bluster. Yo! Jess! How come you havent returned my phone calls?

Scotty, Im trying to help Taryn pass her geometry test, I said. Scotty could hardly waste his precious time by so much as glancing in Taryns direction. She slunk lower into her seat and never took her

Frisbee eyes off the parallelogram on the paper.

So are we going to the prom or what? he asked, his chin dimple twitching.

Ever since Sara informed me that Scotty was going to ask me to the prom, I had been artfully dodging him. I steered clear of the weight room and the cafeteria and hid in all the places I thought he didnt know even existed, namely the computer lab and the library.

Oh, when you ask me like that, how can I resist?

Fuck yeah! he said, not getting that I was being sarcastic.

Fuck no , I replied.

What!

Im sorry, but I wont go to the prom with you.

As soon as I said it, I could feel mini-versions of my mother and my sister sitting on my shoulders, like in cartoons.

YOU SAID NO TO THE MOST POPULAR, BEST-LOOKING CLASS ATHLETE? screamed my mom.

WHAT BETTER WAY TO GET OVER LEN? screamed my sister, whose excess baby fat weighed heavy on my left shoulder.

Then, in unison: YOU DESERVE TO BE UNHAPPY!

Maybe I do. I just know that I wouldve been far unhappier if I had said yes.

What happened to you, Scotty?

What do you mean?

I mean, to you, what happened to the nice guy you used to be?

Gimme a fucking break, Jess, he said as he walked out.

He didnt even give me a chance to tell him that I wouldve gone to the prom with the old Scotty, the one who was sweet, a little goofy, and occasionally gross in a boogers-and-fart kind of way. The one who would have been Just Another Jock at our school, but who had kept his integrity in tact. But Scotty had made a choice two years ago. When he was crowned His Royal Guyness for the Class of 2002, all the testosterone necessary for that title left little room for sweetness or sincerity.

I think this is very sad.

But is it any worse than the roles any of us play to get through the day? I mean, Ive been trying to be as vibrant and daring as Jenn Sweet for the past three months, which is just as loserish and pathetic as a pathetic loser can get.

All you have to do is be yourself, Mac told me last summer. But anyone who has been to high school knows that being yourself is probably the most impossible thing in the world.

the twenty-eighth

This day ended up nothing like I thought it would, which is pretty much par for the course for me.

Well, arent you up with the sunshine this morning, my mom sang as I walked into the kitchen.

I didnt think wed see you until noon, my sister chimed in. Bethany is a huge and permanent fixture in our household as her due date draws near. This has made it much easier for me to go about my shady business, since my mom is too busy being a future grandmother to pay attention to me.

Todays the day Im going to see Hy in New York with Bridget, I said.

This, as you know, is factually accurate but not really true.

New York? my mother gasped, placing her hand to her chest. Jessie! You didnt mention that the bookstore was in New York! She started fanning herself, as if it were noon in August on the sun. I dont like the idea of this!

Mom, I said. You encouraged me to mend fences with Hy. Well, this is my opportunity.

Why cant you do it closer to home?

Ever since her little undercover investigation, Hy breaks out into hives whenever someone so much as mentions New Jersey, I replied. So until the entire state becomes hypoallergenic, I doubt shell come back.

Oh, I dont like this. Bethany, what do you think?

Is she taking mass transit? Bethany asked my mom.

My mom turned to me. Are you taking mass transit?

You can tell Bethany that yes, I am taking mass transit.

Oh, Bethany said. Ive never taken mass transit. Grant always hired a car service.

Fortunately, Bridget breezed in through the back door, radiating a golden aura that has a spellbinding effect on my mother and my sister. I really think that deep down, my mother and sister are convinced that Bridget and I got swapped in our infancy, when all babies look identically red and squishy.

Good morning, Mrs. Darling. Hey, Bethany, Bridget said. Jess, are you ready?

Bridget, my mother said, you know your way around the city, right?

Oh, sure, Bridget said, waving a porcelain limb. Like the back of my hand.

My mom and my sister sighed in relief.

Bring the cell and call if you have any problems, my mom said, kissing me on the cheek.

I will.

And dont talk to strangers.

I wont.

And keep your eye out for any suspicious individuals.

I will.

And dont leave Bridgets side.

I wont.

And

Mooooooooooooooooom

Okay. Go. Have fun. My mom got up and kissed me on the cheek again. While your mother sits here and has a heart attack all day.

When we were in the car and out of earshot, I was ready to goof on my mom.

Your mom Bridget began.

I know, shes a total freak, I replied. Im sorry.

No, she replied. Its nice. She cares. My mom, like, never knows where I am ninety percent of the time because shes always working at the restaurant.

You think its nice because you dont have to live with her, I said. And she only seems to care when its convenient for her, like when shes not buying bassinets, binkies, and other baby crap for Bethany.

Well, it is, like, a big deal, the first grandchild and all. Arent you excited about being an aunt?

Not really, I replied. Were talking about the Bethany and G-Moneys spawn here. Perpetuation of the beautiful species. Ack.

Im, like, sure her mommy instincts run deeper than that, Bridget said.

Shes right, you know. Just the other day I actually asked Bethany why she wanted to be a mother, when she had seemed so uninterested in a vocation that would put an end to her string-bikini days.