Secrets of My Hollywood Life: Family Affairs (21 page)

“When the show started I was in my twenties,” Melli explains. “I figured a nighttime soap about a dysfunctional family would last five years at the most.” She laughs. “But it didn’t, and I got older, got married, got divorced, had babies, remarried, and I was still here.” She takes a breath. “This place has been wonderful, but it isn’t how I expected to spend almost two decades of my life.”

“I thought you loved this show,” Sky says.

“I do,” Melli assures us. “Even when the tabloids were writing about my failed first marriage or when they were complaining about set squabbles, this place has always been home.” She hesitates. “But maybe it’s time for a new home. After what I’ve seen go on here this year . . .” She shakes her head. “Well, I just think it’s time. There’s so much more I want to do with my career.”

“You can’t leave us,” Sky says with a quiver of her pointy chin. Melli’s eyes fill with tears again. I see Tom’s eyes begin to tear up too. Sky sobs and I begin to hiccup.

I can’t imagine this place without Melli. I don’t know if I can handle it. Melli is my work mom. She’s the backbone of this show. What will
FA
be like without her?

“There’s more,” Tom says delicately. “Actually, girls, we’re both leaving.”

“WHAT?” Sky and I shriek.

“Melli and I have been together since the beginning and we had a pact that when one of us was done with the show, we would leave together,” Tom says. “I love you all, but I can’t do this show without her. Melli told me at the beginning of the season that this might be her last one and we’ve been talking about it for months. This thing with Alexis and the script has only driven the point home further. It’s time to move on. This season will be
Family Affair
’s last.”

Sky lets out an audible sob, but I’m in shock.
Family Affair
going off the air? It can’t be! This show is my home. What am I going to do? Where am I going to live?

Oh wait. I do have a home. But still . . . this is my other home!

“Fifteen seasons is an unbelievable run, you know,” Tom is saying. “The network would like
FA
to go out in style and we’ve given them enough notice to do that. We have the whole second half of the season to wrap up loose ends and give the fans closure.”

Sky is inconsolable. She’s sobbing so hard that she can barely breathe. Tom gets her a glass of water. I, on the other hand, am suddenly a dam. I just can’t deal with the finality of it all. This has got to be a bad dream.
FA
can’t be over!

“Girls, I know this is hard,” Melli says, “but you’re both young and extremely talented. As soon as this is announced, the offers will start pouring in.”

“My life is over,” Sky says. “I’ll never get another TV show like this one. Never!”

“I can’t imagine working on another show,” I agree. “Nothing will ever compare to the experience I’ve had on this one.”

“The network would kill to work with you two again, despite everything,” Tom tells us. “They told me personally. You’ll probably get a call from them next week asking to take a meeting about creating your own series or about shooting a pilot.”

Sky stops crying. “You think so?” She wipes her face and I notice her expression change.

Tom laughs. “I know so. You girls have the world at your feet right now. And Melli and I finally have the freedom to do what we want. This is a good thing, girls. You’ll thank us someday.”

“I can’t think of someday,” I say quietly. “All I can think about is now and how this is almost over.”

He smiles. “Well, someday soon you’ll think about what you want to do next,” Tom says. “Pilot season is coming up. Maybe you’ll want to do another TV show. Or concentrate on films,” he says. “Wait and see how you feel after the official announcement is made in a few weeks.”

“Please don’t tell anyone till then,” Melli says.

“Your family, your agent, your manager, your friends, Matty,” Tom adds. “Nobody. I’ll tell the rest of the cast and crew beforehand, but for now, you three are the only ones who know. We don’t want this getting out to the press before we’re ready. We want
FA
to go out looking like the fine show it is. No more bad publicity.”

My legs feel like they’re ready to collapse. My head is spinning and my mouth is dry. “I guess congratulations are in order,” I say shakily, and then I grab Melli, never wanting to let go.

“We’re sorry you two have been having such a rough season,” Melli says as she hugs me. “But I can promise you the last half of this one will be a picnic.”

“Alexis will film her final episode in a quickly wrapped up storyline next week,” Tom tells us. “And then we can get to the fun stuff. The studio wants to do it all.”

HOLLYWOOD SECRET NUMBER SIXTEEN: I guess I can take heart in the fact that a beloved TV show never really ends. Networks love to milk every last drop out of hot commodities. We have retrospective programs to plan, last goodbye videos to tape, favorite cast episodes to run. There will be last-season Emmy nods, possible spin-offs with popular characters (even though those shows usually bomb), and rumors about reunion specials. I won’t be saying goodbye to these people for a long time to come.

“I’ll help you, Tom,” Sky says. “I’ve always thought the episode where Sara gets hit by a drunk driver should have won an Emmy. That should be rerun for sure. I want the executives to think of me as a versatile actress who could headline any series. Anything but one with twins. I deserve my own series. No offense, K.”

I stop myself from rolling my eyes. I sense the old Sky returning.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Tom says. “What about you, Kates? How do you want to be remembered?”

“Can I get back to you on that?” I ask as I head to the door. I think I need to go back to my dressing room and be alone for a while. “I have a lot to think about.”

MONDAY, 11/11

NOTE TO SELF:

Figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

FA2011 “Colby Says Goodbye” (CONTINUED)

15 EXT. SUMMERVILLE BUS DEPOT— INT. SAM’S VOLKSWAGEN CABRIOLET CONVERTIBLE

COLBY

You didn’t have to drive me here, you know.

SAM

I know I didn’t. I wanted to.

COLBY

Even after all I’ve done to you? To your family?

SAM

(smiles) I’m trying to be the bigger person here. (Sam pulls a wad of fifties out of her wallet). Here. This should be enough to get you started wherever you go.

COLBY

You’re crazy, you know that? Why are you so desperate to fix me?

SAM

Because even if you aren’t my sister, for a short time you were my friend. And I know, despite how you tried to play my family, how you tampered with our blood work and everything you put my mother through with the maternity tests, the bottom line is you saved her life. Don’t you think that’s worth paying your bus fare?

COLBY

(opens the car door and slings her tattered green army bag over her shoulder) For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.

SAM

(grabs Colby) Wait. Before you go, please just tell me. What made you do it?

COLBY

You. Your sister. Your family. I thought, There is a family that has it all. I wanted to be part of that. To feel that loved for just a fraction of a second. I didn’t think about what that would cost everyone else.

BUS DEPOT LOUD SPEAKER

Final boarding call for bus 1104 to Las Vegas. This is the last call.

COLBY

Well, that’s me. I better go.

SAM

(lets go of Colby’s arm) Yeah, you’d better go.

Sam steps out of her idling convertible and watches Colby walk away. As Colby hands the bus driver her bag and steps onto the bus, she takes a last look back at Sam. Sam waves as the doors close. The CAMERA PANS IN on Colby’s face as the bus pulls away. We hear tires screeching and the sound of feet running across the concrete pavement.

SARA

I knew I’d find you here! What are you doing?

SAM

Saying goodbye.

SARA

To her? Sammie, after all she’s done to us?

SAM

I know. I know. You don’t have to remind me.

SARA

She’s just lucky I wasn’t here to tell her what I really think of her!

SAM

Everyone at this bus station is lucky they didn’t have to hear that.

SARA

Ha-ha. Hey, how’d you find this filthy place? I didn’t even know Summerville had a bus station.

SAM

Sara! Of course we have a bus station. Colby came into town this way and wanted to go out the same way.

SARA

Did she say anything to you? I mean, did she say why she made our lives a living hell these past few months?

SAM

She said she wanted a family. Our family.

SARA I guess you can’t blame her for that one. The Buchanans do rock.

SAM

(smiles) Rock? The Buchanans rock? Who are you?

SARA

According to Summerville Hospital’s finest, I’m your twin, darling.

SAM

I guess I’m stuck with you then.

SARA

I guess so. Let’s get out of here and go home.

SAM

Home sounds really great right now.

Sam and Sara link arms and the CAMERA FADES OUT as the two walk to their cars. CUE MUSIC.

Seventeen:
The Last Supper

This has never happened to me before. I’m out to dinner at Wolfgang Puck’s Cut, a swanky steakhouse in the Beverly Wilshire hotel, and the Burke brigade — Laney, Mom, Dad, Matty, and Nadine, in case anyone forgot who they are — have zilch to say.

Not a single snide comment about a famous actress sitting at the next table who looks like she put on a few pounds, no critiques of my outfit (a green fitted corduroy blazer over a cream-colored sweater with Seven jeans and brown suede Pumas), and not a single thought on what my next career move should be.

That’s because an hour into our “Ding-dong, Colby’s Dead, Thanks to Matt” lunch celebration (which Laney, Mom, and I gleefully organized), the studio released an exclusive statement to
People
online that sent my team into a tailspin:
Family Affair
will end its run in May. Of course I already knew. I had been dreading the release for weeks. I had no clue how to break the news to Mom and Dad or Matty or Laney, especially when we’re in the middle of toasting Matty’s bravado. Sigh. Sometimes it’s really hard being the only one in on a big secret.

As soon as the
People
online link (titled “The
Affair
Is Of-ficially Over”) was sent to my Sidekick by Tom, I knew I had three minutes to tell everyone myself before they heard the news via cell phone, BlackBerry, or pager. I shut off my Sidekick and mobile so that I wouldn’t be interrupted and delicately broke the news.

“Guys, it’s going to be okay,” I say for the umpteenth time. They haven’t said a single word in, like, ten minutes.

“That’s easy for you to say,” Matt complains, stirring his Coke with a long straw. “Your career is set. You’ve been on that show practically since birth!” His arms are waving in a crisp white Polo that really brings out his tan. “I’ve only been on for half a season. No one will remember me when it comes time to film the show retrospective.”

“I just can’t believe you’ve known for weeks and didn’t tell us.” Mom looks hurt. “Or at least tell your own mother.” She stares at the restaurant’s pristine high white ceiling (this place was designed by Getty Center architect Richard Meier) and fights back tears.

“Mom, Tom and Melli told me I couldn’t tell anyone before the announcement,” I try. “I didn’t have a choice.” She doesn’t look at me. “We still have reason to celebrate,” I remind her. “Alexis is off the show and we still have half a season to shoot.” I turn to my brother, hunched in his chair and looking glum. “And Matty, Tom told me your character is in all of the remaining episodes.” He perks up. “Tom says we’re going to go out with a bang. People are going to remember
Family Affair
for a long time.”

“And there’s always the DVD sales,” Dad points out. “Katie -Kat will make a killing when they release the final season on DVD. We should suggest to Tom that they also do a final episode DVD and a top-of-the-line box set of all fifteen seasons. The more DVDs, the more cash in our — I mean Kate-Kate’s — pockets.”

“I would see some dough, wouldn’t I, Dad?” Matty looks up. “I am on the final season.” He pauses. “Can we get dessert after this?”

“How can you think about food?” Mom groans.

Cut’s menu has great high-priced food to drown your sorrows in, including tasty Kobe-style beef, lobster-and-crab Louis cocktail, and rare Wagyu beef. I ordered the grilled Sonoma lamb chops.

“Well, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m really proud of how you’re handling this, Kates.” Nadine is beaming. “No tears, no freak-outs. You’re acting very grown-up.”

“Thanks.” I blush. “I’ve been thinking things over and trying to concentrate on my future.” Okay, that’s a lie. I’m in total denial. That’s the only reason I haven’t flipped out yet.

“Yes, the future,” Laney repeats, staring into the other dining room that leads to the brick-lined patio. “Let’s talk about your next move so I can release a statement.”

Mom perks up. “We should call Seth and set up a meeting to take a look at prospective offers,” Mom says, more to Laney than me. “I’m sure they’ll be pouring in this afternoon.

Movies, TV shows, she’ll have a lot to pick from.”

Whoa. She’s moving too fast.

Laney pulls out her BlackBerry and begins typing herself a note. “We can say Kaitlin is mulling over offers and will announce her next project soon. What do you think about another TV show?” she asks my mom.

Wait! I can’t decide right now. “Well, I was thinking . . .” I start to say, but Mom interrupts, so I turn to the waiter and ask for a soda refill.

“No,” Mom says, shaking her head so that her honey-colored hair flaps in her face. “How many stars transition from one hit TV show to the next?”

“
Frasier
,” Dad says. “That was a spin-off of
Cheers
.”

“
Joey
,” Nadine groans. “Even the popularity of
Friends
couldn’t launch that show.”

“Good point,” Laney observes. “Movies it is. Should we go for action? A big-name director again and huge stars? Or maybe the independent route? Get Kaitlin involved in the festival circuit for a while. Beef up her art appeal?”

I feel around in my leopard-print Louis Vuitton satchel for my Sidekick and turn it on to see if Austin’s around. The gadget buzzes to life and I see I already have sixty-three messages. Yikes. Word travels fast in this town. I scan the list and see WOOKIESRULE. Austin. I open it up and quickly reply. He gets back to me right away, allowing me to tune out the ongoing discussion about my career taking place without me.

WOOKIESRULE: Hey. How R U holding up? Liz just got the news from her dad.

PRINCESSLEIA25: OK. Sorry U didn’t hear it from me first. I was sworn 2 secrecy. That was rough. W/ Laney & Mom now. They’re not taking it so well.

WOOKIESRULE: Shocker. :)

WOOKIESRULE: They’ll get used 2 it. You will 2. Maybe it’s the change U need 2 shake things up, U know?

PRINCESSLEIA25: U R right.

WOOKIESRULE: Remember: change w/ work. Change w/ school. Not w/ boyfriend.

PRINCESSLEIA25: Never! :)

WOOKIESRULE: I think U need cheering up anyway. Let’s celebrate UR b-day. Plz?

PRINCESSLEIA25: NO! No b-day plans! U promised!

WOOKIESRULE: I said I’d
think
about it. I’ve got 2 do something! Especially now. U need a party.

PRINCESSLEIA25: No parties!

WOOKIESRULE: How many people do U consider a party? :)

PRINCESSLEIA25: Noooooooooo parties!

WOOKIESRULE: Under 25 OK?

PRINCESSLEIA25: Aargh! If U want 2 do something, make it small. U, me, and a slice of pizza, OK?

WOOKIESRULE: Hmm . . . good idea. Got 2 go. Mr. Hammond is staring. Hang in there. Chin up & remember: don’t let them decide UR next move w/o U!

Good point.

“I think that’s a great plan, don’t you, Kaitlin?” Mom is asking.

I slide my Sidekick off my lap into my purse. Nadine gives me a look. “Hmm?”

“Peter Jackhom,” Mom says in exasperation.

I’m confused. “Oh, he’s great.
Ring Keeper
had a real
Star Wars
vibe to it with all the good versus evil mumbo jumbo. Why?”

“He’s contemplating a new trilogy that will film in New Zealand,” Laney says.

“He’s shooting the films back-to-back so the whole thing will take roughly eighteen months,” Nadine adds with a “they’re nuts” look.

“EIGHTEEN MONTHS?” I shriek, startling our waiter as he brings me my lunch. I have a habit of doing that. No Austin for eighteen months? Eighteen months abroad? I want a change, but not one this big. “I think that’s more time away than I can handle,” I say.

Mom sighs and stares at the see-through view of Cut’s kitchen. “Laney, what else do you have?”

Laney reads from her BlackBerry. “Seth says he has a new script with Clooney that will film in Romania. Sounds delish. And a musical with Angelina that shoots in L.A. next summer. He’s also got a new script from Quentin that has hit written all over it. Pretty gory though. Do we want Kaitlin to do a horror film?”

“Hmm, I’m not sure,” Dad says to Mom. “I think that would be a step backward. Most girls do horror to get noticed and Kaitlin is already noticed.”

“I don’t want to do horror,” I say, but no one listens.

“It could give her visibility in an area she’s never been seen in before,” Mom argues. “It could throw the public for a real loop and open a bunch of new doors.”

“So would working with Neil LaBute, but I’m not sure we want her getting naked for her next role,” Laney argues.

“A musical sounds like a good idea. Could we find something like
Hairspray
?” Matty asks. “They could cast me at the same time. I’ve heard Kaitlin sing in the shower. She’s not that bad.”

“She was pretty good that day at karaoke,” Laney agrees. “I’m sure if we got her a voice coach and started working with her right away she would be ready if they ever decide to turn
Wicked
into a movie.”

I can’t say it’s a bad idea, now that I’m over my fear of singing in public, but still. I feel my head begin to spin. This is déjà vu all over again. I feel faint. They’re going too fast for me.
FA
’s demise was only announced min utes ago!

“
Wicked
is all about vocals,” Nadine counters. “I don’t know if Kaitlin could pull off Galinda. Maybe we should think of something else.”

“I don’t want to do a . . .” I start.

“Maybe you’re right.” Mom drowns me out. “What did you say Neil LaBute is doing next?”

I think I’m going to explode. They’re going to pick my next move without asking me if I don’t stop them. I need time to think. I want to tackle things one at a time, just like

Austin said, so that I don’t make any more mistakes.

“But the nudity!” Laney is saying.

I am so not doing a nude scene. “Guys?” I say.

Mom shrugs. “That never hurt Scarlett Johansson. If it’s done tastefully, I wouldn’t be opposed.”

“Ewww,” Matty says. “I don’t want to see my sister naked!”

“Guys?” I try again.

“I’m not sure I would want to sit through that either.” Dad frowns. “I think we should go back to discussing another TV show. Fine-tuning an engine never hurt anyone. Maybe all Kaitlin needs is a TV show with more grease. You know what I’m saying?”

“Doesn’t anyone want to hear what I think?” I ask, but no one is listening.

“Let me say this again:
Joey
!” Nadine says.

“STOP!” I yell. Everyone freezes, including our waiter. Mom drops her fork, which makes a loud
clink!
as it hits her steak salad, which looks pretty yummy, by the way. Everyone stares at me in stunned silence.

“Kaitlin,” Mom stutters. “What’s wrong with you? You can’t yell in Cut, for God’s sake.”

“I’m sorry, Mom, but I’m not having another conversation about my career unless
I’m
part of it,” I say firmly. “This is
my
career we’re talking about and no one has asked
me
what I want to do.”

“What do you want to do?” Mom says in what I consider a mocking tone.

I pause. “Well, I’m not sure yet,” I admit. Matty groans. “But I want a little time to figure it out without you guys coming up with a game plan first.”

“How much time do you need? Would a week from Monday be enough time?” Laney asks, punching what I assume is her calendar up on her BlackBerry. Mom and Dad do the same and I see Matty whip out his Sidekick. Nadine shakes her head.

I pull out my Sidekick so that I look just as efficient. “No, I don’t think that will be enough time,” I say firmly. Laney looks at me in surprise. “I agree with you guys that the next decision I make is a big one, but I’ve been on
Family Affair
so long I don’t even know what I’d like to do next. I need a few weeks to figure that out on my own. I have a problem with being too impulsive.” I think of my stint at Clark High, my driving class debacle. “I don’t want to rush into anything this time around. I want some time to really think about my options.”

“But Katie-Kate, you spend every summer hiatus shooting something, whether it’s a TV movie or a film. How can you not know what you like?” Mom asks.

“Usually you guys pick my summer movie by committee,” I remind her. “I know I pushed for the Adams flick, but most of the time, you show me the roles you think I would like. I want a chance to make my own decision for a change.” I look at Mom. “You can have Seth send me all the scripts you want.” And I look at Dad. “And you can suggest TV shows.” I look at Matt. “Ones that might be right for both of us.” I glance at Laney. “And ones that have the most potential to give my career a grown-up makeover. But in the end,
I
want to make the decision and it has to be one I’m excited about.” I look at Nadine, who is smiling. “I want to weigh all my options. Not just film or TV. I want to explore the same things other teens do.” I pause. “Like going to college.”

“Not the speech about college again, Kaitlin,” Mom moans. She begins nervously pulling on her hair extensions. “I thought you were over the school thing! Look what happened when you went to Clark.”

“That was a disaster,” Matty seconds. “You’re crazy to want to try that again. Why would you want to take time off when your career is hot?”

“Most stars’ careers tank when they take time off for college,” Laney reminds me for the umpteenth time.

“That’s not true.” Nadine defends me. “Natalie Portman has done quite well.”

“Name five girls who have actually gotten their degree. They all seem to drop out. And if they don’t, how many of them actually come back to the same career?” Laney chal-lenges.

“I’m not saying I’m going,” I interrupt. “I just said I need time to think. Anyway, this is my decision. I’m turning seventeen in a few weeks . . .”

“That’s right!” Matt is excited. “Can I plan Kaitlin’s party this year, Dad? The press would love me for being such a cool brother. You would foot the bill, of course.”

“I’m not having a party,” I say. “I’m not having any big parties, because I hate them. I hate a crowd of people I don’t know.”

“I always liked your parties.” Dad looks disappointed. “They were great for networking.”