Secrets of War: A Military Romance (10 page)

* * * *

Jamie gazed at her and she smiled at him, strands of hair scattered across her forehead as excitement sparkled in her eyes. She looked so happy and beautiful lying there and he knew that he loved her. He gave her a little kiss on the lips and she gave his cheek a little stroke with her thumb before letting him go. He pushed himself up and they began to get dressed, each lost in their own thoughts as the quiet nature surrounded them.

“Talk to me baby. I know you love me. I felt it just now when I was inside you when we were making love. You know I love you. Stop hiding from me.” Jamie held her head between his hands.

“Please don’t do this Jamie. Things are going so well; I can’t marry you. We talked about this and you agreed—”

“Well, I changed my mind! Why is that so wrong? I want to make you my wife. What a strange idea!” he yelled.

“Because I’m DYING!” she yelled. “Do you think I don’t want to be your wife…I can’t!”

“Baby, you’re not dying. I know you’re scared and you want to protect us all from your disease. But you aren’t a monster running around spreading death where wherever you go. We take precautions. I’m not scared of you. I love you.”

“And I love you that’s why I can’t do that to you. Please don’t do this. I need to you accept my answer because it’s not going to change, and if you can’t, then we need to stop this,” she warned pacing furiously.

“Okay, Okay. I’m sorry,
shhh
,” he said pulling her into his arms rocking back and forth. He hadn’t meant to upset her this much. “I’m sorry I brought it up. Come on, let’s go and get some ice cream.”

“Okay,” she whispered with her head buried to his chest.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

T
hey climbed in the truck and took the long silent ride to the ice cream parlor in town. Neither of them knowing what to say. Suzy sent a text to Jade letting her know they would be back a little later than they originally thought and she’d said it was fine as long as she brought her some raspberry- peach frozen yogurt and bubble gum explosion for Tuck, who screamed “YEAH,” in the back ground.

Jamie ordered a three-scoop sundae with granola and strawberries while Suzy ordered a frozen yogurt cone. They were standing at the counter trying to make light conversation when Rebecca the owner of the coffee house and retired RN came into the shop with her four grandkids.

“Hi Suzy! Hi Jamie! Funny seeing you guys here. I was just saying to Burt, I needed to call you tomorrow.”

“Hey Becky. Well, it must be fate,” Suzy said joking. “What can I do for you?”

“Well, I had an idea that I wanted to run past you. Burt and I wanted to have a nurse’s ball. To raise money for children with HIV and or AIDS and their families, and I was wondering if you would be willing to chair the event with me?”

Suzy looked at Jamie like a four-year-old girl who’d just been told she was going to Disneyland for Christmas.

He loved this look. The child like innocence glowing in her beautiful eyes.

“I would love too!” she said excitedly.

“Really? Oh! I’m so glad. I was worried with all the gossip and stupidity in town. You might take it the wrong way.”

“Oh, no! I’m so glad you asked there is nothing like a ball to raise money and in this case, educate some of the people in this town,” Suzy said hugging her.

“I’m so glad—”

“GRANNY CAN I HAVE THE BLUE ONE?” one of Becky’s grandkids yelled.

“Uh…how about if I call you tomorrow and we can work out some details?” Becky said rolling her eyes heaven ward at her grandson screaming.

“I totally understand. We better get Tuck and Jade their Sundae before they melt. Thanks so much for thinking of me, Becky. I will talk to you tomorrow.”

“Good to see you Jamie,” Becky said as she walked away.

“Yeah, you too,” he replied looking behind him. Not paying attention to where he was going as he walked, which caused him to smack right into Rich Henderson. “Oh! Excuse me…”

“Hey, why don’t you watch where you’re going? You and your diseased bitch are really becoming a nuisance,” Rich snapped angrily.

Within a blink of an eye, Jamie head butted Rich twice, bloodying his nose. He then grabbed him around the collar with his left hand and punched him three times with his right before picking him up over his head and slamming him onto a nearby table.

* * * *

“JAMIE! JAMIE, STOP IT. STOP IT!” Suzy yelled not believing what she was seeing. There were children here entire families having an after dinner treat and Jamie was pummeling someone on the floor? Looking around Suzy saw the terrified expressions on the faces of all the kids, and the look of disgust they were giving her for being the cause of this.

Unfortunately for Jamie, the Sheriff was in the parlor in the back sitting at a table with his family. “All right, All right, break it up you two!” he yelled as he and four other men finally wrestled the two men apart.

“I’m gonna fucking kill you Merrick! You and that bitch,” Rich yelled as one of the fathers pulled him back.

Jerking away from Sheriff, cocking his arm back hitting the Sheriff in the nose in the process Jamie again landed a devastating blow to Rich’s face, sending his blood shooting across the room.

“All right damn it, that’s it! You are both under arrest!” the Sheriff announced.

As he cuffed both men and with the help of some of the other men, he took them out to his truck to transport them to the jail.

Suzy stood with her head in her hands, tears streaming from her face, in sadness and humiliation. She looked around at the people whose beautiful night had been ruined because of a fight about her. She saw anger, sadness, shock and disgust. “I’m so sorry!” she cried and ran out.

*  *  *  *

It was three hours before the Sheriff finally agreed to drop the charges against Jamie and release him.

Suzy stood outside the jail leaning against her car waiting from Jamie to come out. The cool brisk air would normally have made her stay in the car. But she felt so angry, frustrated and just plain tired, she needed the air.

As the side door of the jailhouse opened and Jamie emerged, she was struck by the look of vindication in his eyes as if he’d done nothing wrong.

“You didn’t have to wait here for me I could have taken a cab back to the ranch,” he said coming to stand in front of her.

“I wanted to talk to you without the chance that Tuck or Jade would overhear our conversation,” she replied staring up into his eyes.

Motherly disapproval was emanating off her, which was confusing to Jamie since he’d just defended what was his. “Are you angry at me?” he asked looking shocked.

“Are you serious?” Suzy replied her eyes wide. “YES! YES! I’m mad at you. You completely overreacted and made a bad situation worse with your behavior!” she yelled.

“OVERREACTED?” he yelled angrily. “I defended myself against that fucking lowlife redneck! I defended YOU!”

“You beat up on a drunk man who is scared and stupid, yes. But a father with a son who lost his arms and needs to relearn how to use them!”

“Having hard times is not an excuse for being a dick.”

“No it’s not, you’re right. But it is a REASON for understanding. His son tested negative for HIV already. BUT he has to wait another six months to a year to be retested, so they can be sure. I did that to him, to his family,” she said wiping tears from her face that had started to stream down her cheeks.

* * * *

Seeing the hurt and sadness in her eyes; made him want to punch that asshole all over again. “Baby, you didn’t do anything wrong. You saved his life! If you hadn’t helped him he would have bled to death. They should be thanking you.” He tried to wrap her in his arms.

She slid to the side and backed away. “Listen, I know you are trying to protect me, and I appreciate that. But I don’t need a defender. I need a grown-up who can let schoolyard bullshit go without mentally scaring an ice cream parlor full of women and children, because he doesn’t like what someone said to him.”

“I am a man! Don’t you ever for a moment, think that I’m not. I have fought for my country, suffered, loved and lost. I also have gone to war with men who I promised to protect and lead, along with the rest of this country, until the day I let my stupidity and bigotry blind me to a man, a father, a son, my brother; needing me because I was
afraid
of his disease.”

* * * *

Suzy watched him as he paced back and forth on the sidewalk running his hand through his hair. The shame he felt rippling through him. She then realized what he was saying. That he’d turned his back on solider with HIV when he was in need. She wanted to reach out and hold him, tell him it would all be okay, offer him the forgiveness he so desperately needed—the forgiveness he so obviously hadn’t given himself.

“I will apologize for the destruction of property. I will apologize for the fear I put everyone else in that parlor through. But I will never, in a million years apologize for being there for you, defending you, no matter how hard it was!”

He was so lost and guilt ridden, Suzy felt instantly surprised she hadn’t seen it before. His need to make his wrongs right. Guilt wasn’t a reason a woman wanted any man to be with her. Share a life with her—she wanted him to love her, despite her shortcomings. “Then I guess we are at an impasse” she replied sadly. “Because I won’t live on a volcano that’s set to erupt at any moment. Can you take me home?” She went around him to the passenger side of the truck and climbed in.

* * * *

“Home? I thought you and Jade were spending the night?” Once again, Jamie felt like he had no control over his life, over losing her. He wondered even if it wasn’t this touchy subject, would she just find another reason to run from him?

“Suzy, don’t do this. Don’t run; come out to the ranch let’s talk about this,” he pleaded.

She sighed. “I would say yes in a heartbeat, if I thought anything would change. But it won’t. I don’t want you to change to be with me. You are a wonderful man. You’re just not the man for me.”

Jamie knew there would be no changing her mind. He could tell by the way she stared out the window, refusing to look at him.

He walked around the truck climbing into the driver’s side and headed down the street to take her home. He wondered how this had happened. How had they gone from making mad passionate love last night and this afternoon? To her, not even wanting to look at him.

The silence inside his old pick up was so loud it was deafening. He didn’t know what to say or do. As soon as he pulled in front of her house, she opened the door saying, “I will be out to pick up Jade bright and—”

Jamie grabbed her arm to stop her from getting out. “Suzy Q, don’t do this, please talk to me.”

The sound of the nickname he’d given her years ago on his lips was almost her undoing. “Please let me go,” she whispered in a raspy voice.

Realizing no matter how hard he pushed in this moment. There wasn’t going to be anything he could say to change her mind, and frankly he was tired of trying. When was she going to want them; there love and the life they could have together as much as he did? “If you do this, if you turn your back on me again, on us now. I swear, there will never be another chance. I’m tired of fighting a losing battle,” he finally said angrily. He didn’t mean a word he was saying.

She quietly sat for a long while as if wanting to stay as close as she was to him as long as she could.

He even thought for a moment, she might change her mind.

Until she spoke…

“Then stop fighting,” she said in a defeated tone before quickly slamming the door shut and racing up her walk way.

“Goodbye,” Jamie whispered as he pulled out to head for home.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

J
amie had been gone the morning after their break up when she went to pick up Jade. It’d hurt more than telling him she couldn’t be with him. She’d hoped he would be there to at least say goodbye. But instead of him, she’d found a tearful Tuck and Jade on the porch with a small box of her things she’d left there.

It had taken an hour for Suzy to convince Tuck she wasn’t going to disappear from his life. She’d promised him she would work something out with his dad, so he could spend every other weekend with her, Geri and Jade. Jade was none too happy with the turn of events. She told her it wasn’t fair for her to mess up everyone’s life just because they had a fight. Suzy was use to everything that she did being world ending and unfair, in Jades eyes.

Once she’d agreed to also coming his birthday party, he’d stopped crying and wished them farewell. She’d promised him she would worked something out with Jamie through email. She hadn’t seen him at the hospital either since she’d taken a break from her class to focus on the AIDS ball and her businesses.

Grandma hadn’t let her get away with the excuse at least not at home. “You’re stopping that class because it doesn’t just treat those men, it’s treating you too. But for some reason, you seem to want to walk around an open wound all the time,” she told her angrily. Geri was more than upset with Suzy when she found out she broke up with Jamie.

“Granny! I can’t be with a man that behaves so childish!” she’d argued.

“Why not? You’re acting like you’re five, your damn self!” her grandmother yelled at her.

“ME?” she’d asked, shocked her grandmother was this mad at her.

“Yes, YOU! Baby, I love you, you know I do. I have always been proud of you. The way you stood up and took care of me and your sister after your mother died. I couldn’t have asked for a better life. But it’s like you have lost your mind since your diagnosis. You trusted a man you couldn’t trust. Not using protection this day and age his foolish, but this day and age, it’s not even remotely surprising. You made a mistake, I know you’re ashamed. I know you’re scared and angry and all the things that go along with what has happened to you. But somewhere along the way, you gave up on yourself of all people.”

Feeling defeated, and thoroughly told off, Suzy had leaned against the wall sliding to the floor. Her grandmother was right. She had given up; how could she have been so stupid? She was a doctor she knew the risks, she knew HIV doesn’t have a look, yet she still gambled with her own life and lost. How was she supposed to trust her own judgement? “I’m just so tired Momma,” she’d said sadly dissolving into tears.

Geri went to her, sliding her to the floor and rocking her until all her tears were spent.

“I feel like every decision in my life has been life or death, and the one time I needed to get it right, I didn’t. What if I get it wrong again? What if I made the wrong decision and destroyed that boy’s life?” she cried.

“Is that what this is about? Jessip Henderson? Suzy, you saved that boy’s life and risked your own while you were at it. That decision was not wrong! I swear the people in this town and all their ignorance makes me want to back an idiot truck up to this freakin’ place and deport their stupidity!”

“It’s not their fault granny. They have a right to be angry. What if I gave him HIV?”

“You didn’t.”

“We don’t know that—what if I did?”

“You didn’t and I need you to stop with this self-pity. Lord have mercy! Disciples in the bible made bad decisions, God forgave them and they moved on. Hell, he even forgave Mary Magdalen for the love of God and she
was
a whore. What makes you think you have the right to punish and not forgive yourself?”

“Amen!” Jade agreed.

She was right. All she’d been doing was punishing herself for leaving her practice, leaving her home, returning here and last but certainly not least, not letting Jamie love her.

She’d started to gear herself up the moment she heard her doctors say the words HIV. How had she loved another more than she’d loved herself? Sitting here now, she couldn’t think of a reason that would be considered a bad thing. She’d loved DJ with all her heart. Not like she loved Jamie who’d been the love of her life, but it had been love. Right down to the moment she’d watched him being lowered into the ground at his funeral, she’d prayed he would learn to be a better man.

“I just don’t want to be wrong with Jamie, Momma. I don’t know if I could take that. Not again, he is the beginning and the end for me. I can’t be wrong,” she cried, not knowing how she could ever be happy again after losing Jamie not once but twice.

Momma scoffed. “Lord. Help me get up this floor, before I get a cramp in my Kester that won’t quit.”

As she pulled her grandmother to her feet Suzy braced herself for what her grandmother was going say, and she wasn’t disappointed.

“You have known that boy your entire life, and he was your first love. If you haven’t been wrong this long. What makes you think that it will all of a sudden be so?” She paused for a minute giving Suzy a chance to respond and when she didn’t she went on, “Stop looking for trouble, baby girl. You’re not the Lord’s punching bag. He wants you to be happy. SO go be happy.”

* * * *

It’d been five long, torturous months since the night Suzy had broken up with Jamie. So to say, she was shocked to see him walking through the door of her shop when the bells chimed, would be an understatement.

“Hey I was coming to get two tickets to the ball tomorrow night I didn’t know you’d be here,” Jamie greeted her.

“It’s okay. I can sell you one,” she replied. “I haven’t seen you around town much lately.”

“I actually need two tickets. I have a date coming with me,” Jamie said quietly.

This stopped her dead in her tracks. She felt like she’d been hit by a Mack truck—Jamie was seeing someone. It was too late; she knew when he told her there was no going back that night, she knew he was telling the truth but after her talk with Geri, she had hope she might be able to change his mind. “Oh! Okay, one sec let me get you a pair of tickets out of my office.”

She made sure to keep her head down, so he couldn’t see the tears pooling in her eyes; as she came back handing him the tickets. “Here you go.” She tried to say with cheer. “It’s going to be a wonderful night if I do say so myself.”

“Yeah. I’m sure it is. I heard you’ve raised a great deal of money,” he replied.

“Hmm-mmm,” she mumbled nodding her head.

They both stood for a full two minutes listening to each other, without saying a word. SO much that they both needed to say, but wouldn’t.

“Have you heard that Steve Pressman was arrested?” she asked him. Simply to keep the conversation going and to see his reaction too.

He looked surprised that she knew this. “Yes, the DEA office took him in for what was it…dealing drugs through the VA Hospital. Using that administrator job to do it.”

She nodded. “Well, I guess you were right about him.”

He raised his head as his eyes widened. “What do you mean?”

Suzy shrugged. “You never liked or trusted him, Jamie. Even I could see that.”

“Yeah, yeah. That is true…Well, it was so good to see you Suzy,” he finally said walking out of the shop.

“Good to see you too,” she replied quietly as tears finally fell down her cheeks.

* * * *

Across town, Rich, Jessip and Sarah Henderson were sitting in a doctor’s office waiting for the doctor to come in.

“Once again, we are wasting time in this damn place when I should be working,” Rich griped pacing the floor.

“I’m sorry daddy,” Jessip said sadly looking down.

“You don’t have to apologize baby,” Sarah said. “Will you please calm down and stop making him feel bad?”

“Who’s gonna work and put food on the table for us? You tell me…who? Surely, not you! He is in this place every week. You are too week to bring him to his appointments by yourself.”

“You’re just angry why we are here this time. That isn’t his fault! Stop it!” Sarah said putting her son’s head to her chest covering his other ear with her hand.

Today was the day Jessip was going to have a second HIV test. None of them wanted to be here, they were all scared. Rich was angrier than scared. Then again, he had been angry since the day of Jessip’s accident.

Things getting better for Jessip over these past months hadn’t done anything to settle Rich down. To Sarah, it seemed like it made him angrier.

“That rich disease ridden bitch should be here, instead of me. She’s the reason were here!” Rich yelled.

“NO, SHE’S NOT DAD!” Jessip yelled.

“Jessip, no!” Sarah tried to quiet him down.

“NO Mom, he keeps blaming Miss Suzy but it’s his fault I’m here! Dad dropped me! He’d been drinking beer and he dropped me. He caught me—”

Out of nowhere, Rich smacked the boy across the face. “DON’T YOU EVER DISRECPECT ME BOY!” he yelled.

“NO!” Sarah screamed as the doctor and his nurse walked into the room finding Rich standing over a crying Jessip.

“What the hell is going on in here!” the doctor asked helping the handicapped boy up off the floor.

“Nothing. Nothing doc, just a family argument that got out of hand,” Rich explained.

“NO! NO! YOU HIT MY SON! I WANT HIM OUT OF HERE!” Sarah yelled.

Rich turned toward his wife prepared to hit her. But was confronted with the doctor standing between him and his family.

“Rich, you need to leave,” he ordered quietly.

“What?”

“You heard me, you need to leave,” The doctor repeated. “Now you can leave on your own or I can call security, but you are leaving.”

“Ahh…no doc. It’s just a misunderstanding between family—”

“That’s not my concern, this is not up for debate Rich, leave now!”

Turning to his wife, Rich looked to his wife and son to stand up for him, in his time of need.

They turned their backs.

“Fine! See how you are gonna get the hell home, bitch!” he said before storming out.

“I’m sorry,” Sarah said wiping tears from her face.

“Nothing for you to be sorry for,” the nurse said rubbing her back.

“Come on Jessip, hop up on this bed and let’s take a look at you.”

As the doctor spoke with Jessip, Sarah worried what her husband was doing and whom else he was going to take his anger and his failings out on today.