Secrets over Sweet Tea (22 page)

Jackson put a hand on Zach’s shoulder. “So maybe that’s a place to start. Ask yourself what lies you’ve been believing.”

Zach had dug into that conversation for weeks. And he had asked. He had asked God, “What are the lies I’ve believed about you that got me here?”

Possibilities came in flashes. With his parents’ divorce during his teenage years, he had shut down. He had convinced himself that if he’d been a better athlete, a better student—just better—then maybe that wouldn’t have happened. So he’d thrown all his energy into becoming the best at everything he did. That had led to top honors in academics and athletics. And he’d learned to perform his way through conversations with adults, convincing them of his deep reservoirs of understanding. He’d been one impressive kid, even though his heart wasn’t in any of it. Then, when he met Caroline, he had performed for her too. She was beautiful. Smart. Came from a family that he wanted to validate him. Her parents were still married. He hadn’t really offered her his real heart. He’d given her what he thought would impress her and make her love him.

The truth was, he’d believed God hadn’t written his story well enough, so he needed to write it himself. He needed to write a story that would make other people respect him, that would attract a Caroline and a perfect family. He needed to be the best so people wouldn’t discover all his flaws—because, deep
inside, he thought God had made a mistake with him. That was another lie he’d swallowed—another lie that had gotten him into this mess.

Zach sat at a four-seat table in Saffire Restaurant. He looked into the faces of his teenage daughters and, at that moment, saw them differently than he had before. He saw them through the lens of all he was discovering about himself—and he was asking questions about issues he’d never even noticed.

Why, for example, did Lacy eat as if she were desperate? Where did that come from?

“Lacy, hon, the food isn’t going to run off the plate. You don’t have to eat like it will. Slow down.”

Lacy looked surprised at his comment, but she slowed her chewing .

But then Joy weighed in. “Close your mouth too. It’s gross. The way you chew is disgusting.”

And why was Joy always bossing her sister around like that? Did her life feel so out of control that she tried to control everything else around her? Was it anger at him and Caroline that made her so hard on Lacy?

Zach put down his fork. “Joy, I’m looking around, and I only see one parent here at the table. Want to point him out to me?”

Joy rolled her eyes and took a small leaf from her salad.

Lacy stabbed at the fried fish on top of grits. “She always acts like that. I swear, she thinks she’s thirty years old or something.”

He decided to distract them. “Why don’t you tell me how school’s going so far?” He put another piece of pork chop in
his mouth. It tasted so moist and delicious, he found himself making an appreciative noise as he chewed. When was the last time he had really tasted food?

Joy sipped water. “Fine.”

“Good,” Lacy added.

“So how about if we go away for the weekend?”

Joy’s eyes widened. “Dad, no. We’re supposed to go to Abby’s church tomorrow for their cookout, and I promised Jenna we’d go to the mall.”

“Yeah—” Lacy spoke through a mouthful of food—“and I have to meet Sarah at the library to study for a test.”

“But this is your weekend with me. I don’t mind if you do one thing with a friend, but we’re going to spend the rest of the time together.”

He saw a quiver start in Joy’s jaw. She cried when she got mad. “I have plans with my friends, and I’m not changing them.”

They sat there looking at each other while Zach pondered the best response. “Joy, let me ask you a question. At what age does a daughter no longer need her father?”

“Twelve,” Lacy answered as if she had read it on a fortune cookie. Then laughed.

“I’m being serious, Lacy. So I’ll ask both of you—when do you think a daughter no longer needs her father?”

Joy caught on quickly. She stiffened her jaw. “It’s not that we don’t need you. We’ll always need you.” He heard the manipulation in her words as soon as they came from her lips, and his heart cringed at how quickly kids took on the traits of their parents. He wasn’t going to let her get away with it. A couple months ago he would have. No, he
had
done it. But now that
he was beginning to see—really see—what was going on in his life, in their lives, he knew he had to start making changes somewhere, if only incrementally. And this was where he chose to begin.

“That’s not what I asked you. At what age?”

Joy stiffened her back and put down her fork. “There isn’t any age. A girl always needs her father.” Her words were laced with frustration.

“Yes, she does. I just read recently that it is scientifically proven that a father emits chemical signals that can actually delay you from maturing too fast sexually. They are called pheromones. They’re basically hormones that I give off and you pick up somehow. You don’t know you’re doing it, and I don’t know I’m doing it. But just by walking in the room, I affect your growth and maturing process. Did you know that?”

“Okay.” Lacy’s face indicated she found this fact rather interesting. “That’s a little weird and a little cool.”

“And did you know that if I wasn’t present in your life or didn’t care about what was going on with you, you would mature more quickly sexually?”

Joy’s face reddened. “Tell me we’re not going to talk about this.”

“Well, you’ve been acting all grown up, like you can make all the decisions and tell your sister what to do and inform me how we’re going to spend our time together. So if you’re that mature, we do need to talk about things like this.”

Lacy stuffed another piece of fish in her mouth. “Mom says we’re supposed to talk about sex with her, not you.”

That was news to him. Apparently he and Caroline needed
to do some talking too. “This is what I will tell you. No two girls are loved by their father more than you two. I won’t always get it right. In fact, I’ve made a lot of mistakes already.” He knew that was true. “But I will always be your father. I will be present in your life, and I will be a voice in your ear. So—”

“How will you do that when you’re living somewhere else?” The emotion in Joy’s voice surprised him. Until this moment the girls had said nothing about his being gone. It had seemed the girls had hardly noticed his absence, and the few times he’d tried to bring it up, they had avoided the topic. This moment made him very aware that his girls did miss him. And it made sense. He had been a stable presence for them. Many nights it had just been the three of them eating dinner together. He should have pressed in harder. Quicker.

“Do you want to talk about me not being home?”

Lacy put her fork down and stopped chewing.

Joy bit her lip, clearly refusing the tears that were desperately trying to make their way down her cheeks. Just like her mother. “I don’t want to talk.”

“Honey, you need to talk. It’s okay to talk. I’m a grown man. I can handle anything you want to say to me.”

“Mom talks about it all the time.”

“Shut up, Lacy,” Joy scolded. “Don’t talk about Mom.”

“Well, she does. She says you hurt her, Dad.”

“I’m afraid she’s right.”

“What did you do?”

He looked into Lacy’s innocent and searching green eyes. How should he handle this? He and Caroline hadn’t discussed how they would talk with the girls, and they definitely needed to have that discussion. At least Caroline hadn’t told them about
his infidelity, and they didn’t seem to have heard the gossip. That was something to be thankful for.

“I just didn’t treasure your mother like I should,” he answered carefully. “Sometimes married people forget how they need to take care of and protect each other. Mom and I forgot that.”

“Mom didn’t do anything,” Joy snapped. “It’s all your fault.” Angry tears raged to the surface.

He was grateful for them, even though her words stung deep and real. “Sweetie, I’ve made some huge mistakes. And one mistake I’ve made is that I haven’t been the father I should have been. I haven’t been present with my girls the way I should, even when I lived at home. And I can tell you right now, that’s going to change. I’m not here to put blame on your mother. I’m here to figure out how to put my family back together. But first I have to put Daddy back together.”

Lacy reached over and put her hand on top of his. “Daddy, I love you just the way you are.”

He turned his hand to clasp hers. “I love you too, honey.”

“I want you to come home,” she said, her eyes filling with tears of her own.

“I’m going to try my hardest.”

Joy wiped her nose with her napkin. Lacy got control of herself and picked up her fork again. And Zach finally exhaled. If change went forward in baby steps, he had just taken one tonight. All he could hope was that a lot of baby steps made for one giant one. Because he had a long way to go.

Grace looked at the teleprompter, but this time the screen was blank. There were no notes for this. No scrolling white letters. Just her and the camera. She was surprised that her only feeling was excitement. Well, a touch of anxiety, nervousness about what lay ahead. But she had expected sadness, tears maybe, and there were none. Just a feeling in the very soul of her that something beautiful was on the horizon.

“I want to thank you for being faithful companions over these last ten years. I have enjoyed waking up with you and meeting you on the street, at the mall, and in restaurants. You have made getting up at an ungodly hour actually enjoyable,” she said with soft laughter. The guys behind the camera smiled at her words.

“But I am starting a new adventure,” she went on. “I am leaving the station to fulfill one of my dreams. Not someone else’s dream for me. Not what seems practical. Instead, I’m jumping off a cliff into a great unknown. I seem to have been doing a lot of that lately. But I truly believe you can’t get anywhere in life without some leaps of faith. So if you’re ever in the Franklin area and need some sweet tea, hot or cold, some warm conversation and Southern hospitality, and maybe a scone or a muffin, I hope you’ll come by and visit me at my new tearoom downtown. Watch for my ads; we’re opening this fall. Thank you again, and God bless each one of you.”

With that a montage of Grace’s years as a reporter and news anchor began to play on the monitor—everything from an interview with the governor and coverage of a devastating Nashville flood to a kiss from a monkey during a visit to the zoo and her falling out of her chair at the anchor desk. Leo had done an amazing job putting it together. And as she watched, tears fell. The staff had thrown a sweet surprise dinner for her the night before and given her a handsome plaque and a gift card to a spa. Leo said she deserved to be pampered.

“Great job, Grace,” he said as she walked off the studio floor.

She looped her arm through his as they made their way to her office. “Thanks, Leo.”

He put his chubby fingers atop hers and patted them gently, his rough palm rubbing her knuckles. “What if I asked you not to go?”

“I’ll still make you free food anytime you want it. I’ll just have a larger kitchen.” She let go of his arm and entered her office. She pulled a box out of the pile by the wall and set it on her desk. She unsnapped the middle button of her
orange-and-white geometric-patterned sweater and draped it across the back of her chair.

“It’s not about the food. You know that.” He sank down into a chair across from her desk.

“I know. I’m joking. I don’t want to cry, Leo. I did enough of that last night.” One thing she was learning was to be present wherever she was. And apparently right now, being present with Leo meant talking, even if it hurt. “You’ve become a wonderful friend to me. I’ll miss you.”

His eyes didn’t leave hers. “Is there anything I can do to make you stay? More money? Bigger window?”

She laughed and perched herself on the edge of her desk. “You know why I’m leaving.”

“I do. And I want you to be happy. I’ve seen a light come on in your eyes even when the cameras are off.”

His words struck her.
Even when the cameras are off.
“Is that what you saw? That I was able to turn on a spark for the camera?” It wasn’t an accusation. It was a sincere question.

“Sure I did.” He tried to cross his ankle across his opposite knee, but it slid right off. He tried again, grabbing his ankle and holding on to it. “I’d see you come in here some mornings looking ten years older than you are. It was a tired so deep that sleep couldn’t fix it. But when that red camera light came on, you would come to life. I never knew how you did it.”

Grace had never really thought of herself as a performer. Not until that moment. Not until those words. Newscasting was her job, a job that demanded professionalism no matter what went on at home. But Leo’s description was true, wasn’t it? She had come in some mornings hurting badly, but she’d never let on.

Rachel was the only one she’d shared her pain with. To
everyone else, her world had seemed perfect because that was what she had wanted them to believe. Or at least that was what she thought she’d convinced them of. But Leo knew. He saw. “I guess I’ve been a phony.”

He swatted his free hand at her. “Nah. You aren’t a phony. You’re as sweet as that sweet tea you’re always fixing. You just never wanted anyone knowing all your stuff.”

He was being gracious. It was more than that, and she knew it. It wasn’t that she didn’t want people to know her stuff. She didn’t want people knowing she
had
any stuff. That’s why she’d always worked so hard to put up a good front—stylish clothes, chic hair and makeup, winning smile, happy marriage. She’d had this desperate need for people to think she had it all together. And thinking of how untogether her life had been for so long made the whole thing feel like a charade.

Shame in that moment threatened to capture her again. But these days she wasn’t giving in to that relentless pursuer.

She slapped her hands on her legs. “Leo, I’m messed up.”

He showed her a wry smile. “We’re all messed up.”

“But I’m messed up, messed up.”

His belly shook when he chuckled, and his hand lost its grip on his foot. He let it fall off his knee. “Grace, I’m telling you—so am I.”

“Yes, but you’ve told me about all your stuff. I know that Helen kicked you out of the house and why. I know about Darius’s issues with pot and him being arrested. I know about the financial challenges you’ve had and what happened at your last family reunion when you found out your niece is really your baby sister.”

He shook his head. “Oh, that was nasty. I mean, as ugly as you can get.”

But she wasn’t through. “I know what your favorite foods are. I know what your favorite color is. I know where you buy your pants, Leo. I mean, seriously, I know everything about you.”

He crinkled his brow. “Guess you do, huh?”

She put her hands on top of her desk. “What do you know about me?” She felt her turquoise earring rub against her neck as she moved. “What do you know about me?”

He moved his lips back and forth as if that helped him think. “I know things, Grace.”

“What’s my mom’s name?”

“Seriously? Lydia.”

Yeah—he would know that. “That was a dumb question. She comes to the station every time she’s in town. What’s my favorite color?”

“Red.”

“That was a dumb question too. You see me almost every day. Where’s the last place I went on vacation?”

He raised his finger. “Ha! You don’t go on vacation.”

“I did three years ago with Tyler for our anniversary. We went to Seaside, down in Florida. But those are too easy. Did you know I desperately wanted children?”

He hesitated before answering. “No. I figured you were more interested in your career.”

“Did you know I wasn’t fulfilled here at the station?”

“You gave this job 150 percent. You worked when you shouldn’t have. I thought you were addicted to this place.”

“Did you know I’ve spent the last six years praying for a miracle in my home? See? I let you in on so little. I only offered
what I wanted you to know.” The personal revelations kept coming. “I could have spent the last ten years of my life offering people more than I did.” She felt the impact of that statement, and her hand rose to her mouth. “I could have had ten years of offering my own life, my own failures and life lessons, my
honesty
to people. And all I’ve given them each morning was a smiling face and white teeth to look at.”

Leo shook his head. “You’re being too hard on yourself.”

Maybe. She was good at that.

“You did give them something. You gave them real emotion. When you were moved by something, they knew it. That was real, Grace. You can’t fake that. Besides, a lot of them needed a smiling face. I mean, have you seen Buster the cameraman’s wife? I mean, oohwee, that brother needs someone smiling at him after waking up to that every morning.”

“That’s awful.” She leaned over and gave him a playful punch. “But the thing is, I could have done more. Revealed more of myself.”

“I guess you could have. But I did know a lot, Grace. I knew you were tired. I knew things with Tyler were hard. I knew things had been tough. You may not have said it all, but I knew.”

“You knew because you’re such a great guy. You’re discerning.”

He shrugged. “I just see what I see. And what I see is that you can do things differently from now on. Go out there and do what makes you happy and offer people more than you have before.”

“So now you’re giving me permission to leave?”

“As long as you promise you’ll still bake for me, I am giving you permission to go.”

She smiled. “Anytime. Promise me you’ll come in.”

“Every time Helen lets me. She thinks I’m on a diet.”

Grace raised an eyebrow. “You still haven’t told her you’ve been giving your lunches to the intern?”

“Are you insane? She kicked me out once. She’ll do it again. The woman’s a beast.”

“You’re pitiful.”

He stood and walked to the door. “You know me so well. Now don’t leave without saying good-bye.”

She wouldn’t. She couldn’t.

It took her two hours to pack all her boxes. She kept getting sidetracked by memories that overwhelmed her as she was packing, so it was a miracle she finished that quickly. It didn’t help that colleagues kept stopping by, but she was glad to see them. There were a lot of hugs, a lot of tears, but she kept insisting they all knew where to find her.

Two of her coworkers carried the boxes out to her car, and once they were stowed, she climbed into the driver’s seat. She brought the car to life beneath her and couldn’t help but feel a slight sense of panic as she pulled from the parking lot.

The panic increased when her phone rang and she saw Tyler’s name and face pop up. She had to get his number off of there. But Accept or Decline were her options now, and she vacillated between them. They hadn’t spoken since the day before she went to court. He had given her space to do what she needed to do, and she was grateful. She had no idea what he wanted now.

Accept won. “Hello?”

“Hey, Gracie. It’s T.”

T. was his friends’ nickname for him. She had never liked it, never called him that. “Hello, Tyler.”

There was an awkward silence. Then his words rushed out. “I just saw you on television. You looked beautiful.”

What could she say to that? “Thank you.”

“Yeah, and I hope this is a wonderful move for you. I just wanted you to know I wish you all the best.”

She felt a pain in her gut. It would be so much easier if this could be ugly right now. If he were yelling at her. Threatening her. Drunk out of his mind. At least she thought it would be easier. Because to have the man you love be so nice to you and yet know in your heart that he was content with his brokenness was one of the saddest and hardest places to be.

“Thank you. I appreciate that.” She refused to cry on the phone. “Anything else?”

“No. No, that’s all. Just happened to be awake and caught it.”

He meant he had never been asleep.

“Well, thanks for letting me know. I’ll talk to you later.”

She clicked End Call before he had a chance to say anything else. Her hands gripped the leather steering wheel tighter, and she rolled her shoulders to loosen them.

She might be driving off into her future. But in order to do that well, she really needed her past to leave her alone.