Seductive Secrecy (Shadows series) (22 page)

Well, it happened.

But not in a way that I could have accepted and moved on from.

The only thing that would have been as horrible as sleeping with
Cameron’s brother at the mansion would be if Professor Freeman had been one of my
clients, too. Or maybe finding out that I’d been with my best friend’s
father… but we both know that had happened as well.

Yes, you read that correctly.

Cameron’s brother Ryder was a regular.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to make this better. I haven’t told you much about Cameron’s past: he raised Ryder as they bounced between their junkie mother and random foster homes while she was in jail. All they have is each other. And now we know that both of them have had me. How can I convince Cameron that this won’t affect our relationship? How can I forget about Ryder and the things that occurred between us?

I’m convinced that I can’t.

I don’t know if I should walk back into that apartment, pack up my belongings and just set him free of all of this. I’m not a simple girl. I didn’t just bring my easel when I came; I brought a past that’s violent and vile and painful
and that was just my upbringing. We hadn’t even really been
dating yet, and I had to come clean about a life-altering decision I’d
made
one that threatened my safety and my future. And he stood by me one hundred percent, as if there was no other way he would have let it happen. And now, he finds out that part of that decision included me having been with his brother. How much more can Cameron take?

More importantly, how much more should I expect him to?

When he sees my suitcase packed and waiting, he’ll probably be filled with relief. I wouldn’t blame him in the least if he were. If I were in his place, I would feel the same way.

I realize more and more that the mansion will always cast its shadow
over me. It will continue to haunt me and affect me every day, appearing in my thoughts and my actions at the most inopportune and unexpected
moments. There isn’t much I can do about it now. But it’s not fair for the shadow to fall across the people I care about and infect them with its pain. They didn’t ask for this; they shouldn’t be forced to deal with it just because I have to. That’s why I need to go. I would rather carry the pain than expect them to.

Maybe I’ll never be free of that house of horrors. It was my choice to enter; it was my choice to destroy it as well, and I accept whatever comes to me as a result.

But I refuse to let anyone else be dragged under because of
my
decisions.

Charlie

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
Cameron asked from behind me.

I hadn’t heard his feet scrape the floors as he’d walked down the hallway to our bedroom; if he’d opened the closet door a little bit more to check on me, I hadn’t heard it creak. But now he stood only inches away from me while my eyes scanned the racks, trying to determine how many boxes it would take to pack up all my clothes. I couldn’t miss all the little things that had been recently added to my shelves, like the mask he had given to me at
our
mansion and the
ribbons that had been wrapped around each box. Jameson’s card
was
there, too, resting next to my purse, reminding me of the client he
wanted me to meet with. It would be good to lose myself in my work, but I couldn’t even think about that now when I wasn’t even sure I’d still be living here in the morning.

“I’m seeing how much stuff I own.” I didn’t turn around as I said it. I just kept my back to him and continued counting it all: the clothes and the shoes and the bags that I had. If I saw his face, I knew the knot that my soul was tied in at the moment would burst, and I wouldn’t be able to stop the tears.

“Why?”

As much as I wanted to keep my back to him and hide my face, I couldn’t put it off any longer. We had to talk about Ryder. I had to know how it was affecting him.

I had to know what it was going to do to our relationship.

I reached behind me and grabbed his hand, pulling him out of
the closet and into the bathroom. When he asked where we were going, I
didn’t respond; I just continued walking until we reached the
shower.

I turned on the water and stepped inside. I didn’t even bother to take off my clothes or shoes. He stood on the rug right outside. “Will you come in with me?” I asked.

“With my clothes on?”

“I don’t care what you wear or don’t wear. This is where I want to talk.”

I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wasn’t clean enough for this apartment. I knew no amount of cleansing could rid my body of everything that had happened. This was just the only place that felt right at that moment.

Cameron peeled off his T-shirt and removed his shoes before he stepped in. I could tell he was reluctant to come too close, so I let him have his space at one of the shower heads beyond the one I was under. My jeans and tank top were soaked and clinging to my body.
Mascara dripped from my lashes and it burned when it got in my eyes. Pieces of hair stuck to my cheeks and neck. I didn’t care about
any of it.

“Where did you go when you left the apartment?” I asked.

He took a second to breathe before he answered. “I went for a
walk. I needed some time to think.” His hands went to his head and he ran his fingers through the buzzed strands. “I don’t know why you were
in the closet looking at your clothes, but if you’re thinking about
leaving, I really wish you wouldn’t.”

I took a few steps back and leaned against one of the walls.
“Why would you want me here after what’s happened?”

“Because I don’t know what my life would be like without you. And I don’t want to find out.”

I knew what he was saying was the truth; Cameron didn’t lie. But I couldn’t understand how he could feel this way now that he knew what had happened between his brother and me. Still, it was the first time I had felt hopeful since the discovery had been made.

“And what about Ryder?” I asked.

“I can’t stand that you were with him.” His hands turned into fists. He took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling, then back at me. “Honestly, it’s going to take me a while to get over. But I can’t blame you for what happened. And I can’t blame him, either.”

That was more than I could have hoped for. “So you’re saying
you can forgive me
forgive
us
?”

“I don’t think it’s about forgiveness, Charlie. You didn’t
intentionally
fuck
my brother…and neither of you intentionally tried to hurt me. Yeah, it’s fucked up that it happened…but I’ve been through worse. It’s more about finding a way to stop the idea of it from eating away at me. I’m mature enough to be able to do that. I’ve accepted your past…even if it includes my brother now, I can’t hold it against you.”

I wasn’t so sure he couldn’t.

There were many words he could have used instead of
fuck
to
describe what had happened. But he’d chosen the one that had
power, a sting…the one that made me feel less-than in his eyes. When we used it with each other, it had a very different meaning. Now, I felt like he was using it to dig at me, and I couldn’t stop the sensation of it from fluttering around my chest and piercing my heart. As much as he was trying to play off this mature side, which I knew existed, I could sense the feelings that were still tugging at his mind. It was very much eating away at him, no matter what he tried to believe about himself, and he wasn’t even close to letting go.

I had no choice but to trust him.

“What about you?” he asked. “Do you think you can let it go?”

It didn’t matter what was happening inside my head or what would happen in the future. It didn’t matter if those thoughts of Ryder were detailed accounts or just brief glimpses. I would never let them interfere with what we had.

“Yes.” I wrapped my hands around the bottom hem of my tank
top and pulled it over my head, dropping it on the floor. I
unbuttoned my jeans and did the same with them, standing under the flowing streams in just my bra and panties. I lifted my face up into the water and allowed the heavy pressure to wash away the makeup that I had left. “I can definitely let it go.”

“Then please tell me I have nothing to worry about, Charlie,” he
whispered.

I couldn’t tell if he was inquiring about Ryder and whether things were bound to heat up again between us, or if he was asking
if I was having second thoughts about the strength of our
relationship. It didn’t matter. The answer was the same for both.

“You have nothing to worry about.”

He took several steps, until he reached the middle of the shower. He didn’t come close enough to touch me, just enough to warm his face. “Then I’m going to keep my offer for him to stay here. I know he has nowhere else to go, and I can’t put my brother on the streets.” Cameron could more than have afforded to put him up in a hotel or rent him an apartment. But he’d been apart from his brother for such a long time. I could completely understand his wanting to have Ryder near. “Are you okay with that?” he asked.

I felt like every one of his questions was a test. If I told him I
didn’t want Ryder to stay, he might think it was because I had
feelings for him. If all that had happened between us was just sex—which I
had insisted was the case—then it shouldn’t have mattered, to either
of us.

“Yes,” I answered. “But I need to know that you believe me, that I had no idea he was your brother when all of that was happening.”

He nodded.

“He used that name in the mansion…Thunder…” my voice
trailed
off. I didn’t know why I had even brought that up, but I got the
sense that Cameron was going to get out of the shower soon and I didn’t want him to. I just wanted to keep him in here and that meant I had to keep him talking.