Seductive Secrecy (Shadows series) (21 page)

It was Ryder who broke the silence. “I didn’t expect to ever see you again,” he said.

I slowly glanced up and his gaze was on me. There was a
softness in his face, a pain still in his eyes that he couldn’t conceal. Ryder had been a regular, although I hadn’t known that was his name when he
was inside my wing. In there, he was Thunder, and with good
reason:
he was one of the most physically-fit, long-lasting, thoroughly-
pleasing men I’d been with in that house. His sex was a force of nature. I had
enjoyed our time together, looked forward to it…relished it. His
request had always been the same, and it was for something different than what the others had wanted; instead of the
standard domination fantasy, he’d asked for the girlfriend
experience.
That’s exactly what I had given him, and exactly how he’d treated
me.

It struck me then: I’d been Ryder’s fantasy girlfriend before I was Cameron’s real one.

My head rushed.

“Sorry to ruin your plans, Ryder.” I couldn’t slow my breath.

“That’s not what I meant, Charlie. I just—”

I wouldn’t let him finish. “What did you think happened to all of us?” I asked. “That we just disappeared?”

“I figured most of you had gone back home. I didn’t realize
Boston
was
your home.”

He didn’t know; in fact, he’d known
nothing
about me—not even
my real name—until just a few minutes ago. He only knew that I
could
put a condom on with my teeth, and the way I’d craved having his tongue lick my clit, and the speed with which I’d wanted to be
fucked.

“I’m from Newton,” I said. “The mansion didn’t have to look very far to find me.”

“Charlie…”

I broke our eye contact. I felt guilty for even looking in his
direction. I hated myself for thinking about his naked body and how it had felt on top of me. I couldn’t stop the flashes that flickered in my brain or the phantom touch that trickled over my skin as my
mind went to his fingers and the orgasms they’d been able to give
me.

“How the fuck did you end up with my brother? Out of
everyone in Boston…why did it have to be him?” I kept wondering the same
thing. “I’ve never felt so guilty for anything in my life.” I saw his
eyes slide in my direction. “Including how I feel right now…”

“I can’t do this,” I said as I stood from the couch. My breath was caught in my throat. I moved purposefully toward our bedroom. I
heard his steps behind me, but I didn’t stop until I felt his hand on
my shoulder. I turned around, wiggling out from under his grip. “Don’t
touch
me.”

“Charlie
”

“We’re not in the mansion anymore,
Thunder
,” I said, giving extra emphasis to his nickname. “You can’t just put your hands on me whenever you want.”

His hands went back to his sides. “Listen: I didn’t know you
were seeing him…I didn’t even know who
you
were. But I know what I
felt when I was with you…and I
know
you felt it, too.” There was
even more pain in his eyes now. “I don’t know what to do here, Charlie.”

I exhaled. “I don’t either.”

“I thought about you while I was in Asia…”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want this to be happening.

“Ryder, now that we know the truth, you need to stop. For
Cameron’s sake—for my sake, too. Please. Just stop.”

“I can’t stop,” he said. “I have a chance now to say what I’ve wanted to since that house was taken down.” He reached for my chin. I moved before his fingers touched me. “Look at me.” It was a soft demand, almost begging. “Please.”

My eyes slid upward.

“It isn’t our fault that what happened, happened, or that we felt what we felt. We didn’t know we’d be hurting him.”

I couldn’t believe what he was saying.

“What difference does that make, Ryder? We know
now
…we
know what we did to him. He loves us both, and we betrayed him…even if we didn’t know it at the time.” It hurt so much to say it out loud.

My clients hadn’t left me; they were still in my head, in my soul. Some were much more present than others, though I had difficulty differentiating which memories arose from guilt, and which arose because I’d truly felt something for those men when I thought of
them. There were times I had craved sex with Ryder, but I hadn’t
considered the possibility of it being because I’d had actual feelings
for him. I just knew how well he could fuck me. Or maybe that’s
what I wanted to believe. Maybe that was easier than thinking there’d been a real connection.

I didn’t know which was true.

I just knew I had to get the hell out of here.

Cameron was out there on the street, and I should have been
with him, cleaning up this mess. Or he should have been in
here…and
I
should have been out on the street. Suddenly, I felt too dirty for a place this clean.

Because you are, Cee.

Lilly’s voice wasn’t allowed to invade this time.

“
Shut the
fuck up!
” I growled.

Ryder was stunned. “What?”

I shook my head. “Not you, my—” I stopped myself before I said it. “Just…never mind.” I moved past him and walked around to the back side of the couch, slinging my bag over my shoulder.

“You’re leaving?”

“I have to.” I headed for the elevator.

“Don’t, Charlie,” Ryder called out. “Don’t go.”

I didn’t glance over my shoulder. I didn’t stop or pause or even turn around until I was inside the elevator.

“Charlie…” He stood several feet from the door, his eyes taking me in yet again as they’d done so many times in my wing. There was an edge to his look this time, a coldness that came from that Boston
bad-boy exterior. The power in the muscle he was made of
intimidated me even when my fingers had been gripping him. But there had
been warmth and passion within that power. I felt it in his
movements, in his kisses, in the time he took to touch and lick every sensitive spot on me.

I shook my head again, trying to push out those thoughts as the
door slid shut. I threw myself against the wall during the ride
downstairs. Something needed to hold me up; my knees buckled, and my feet
were failing me. The churning in my stomach was gone, replaced
with a deep, sharp pain in my chest that made me shake uncontrollably.

Cameron had to understand that there had been no way of me
knowing Ryder was his brother while we were at the mansion
together. He had to know that I would never have purposely done something so cruel, so thoughtless to him. He had to know his brother wouldn’t do that, either…though based on what Ryder had said before I left him, I wasn’t entirely certain that was true.

I reached the sidewalk out front and just started walking. I had no destination; I didn’t even have a place to go. Dallas was traveling. I had a key to his apartment but there was nothing there that would make this better. The Professor was probably home with his family…not that I could tell him the truth about this.

I didn’t have anyone else.

You’re more like me than you thought, aren’t you, baby girl?

Lilly wasn’t allowed to creep in again. Not now. Not during this. She needed to stay the hell out of my head and allow me space to
work this out. I wasn’t anything like her; I hadn’t done this
intentionally.

Things had been going so well for us. We had been getting
closer, trusting each other more. His language included the word “love” more frequently. It wasn’t surrounded by “I” and “you,” but it was notable; he’d never really done that before. More importantly, he’d shown it, and he’d made me feel it. I had a feeling all of that was going to change now.

I couldn’t stop replaying the conversation we’d had on top of the bed, the one when we had discussed his thoughts on me working at the mansion.

But do I like the thought that other men paid to touch you? No, I don’t. I fucking
hate
it. I wish I’d been the first man who’d ever touched you...I
didn’t expect you to be a virgin.
But of course a part of me wishes you
didn’t have memories of anyone but me pleasuring you to the point of orgasm.

Now we all knew the truth: those orgasms hadn’t just occurred with anyone. Some of them had happened with his brother.

I didn’t know how we were going to move on from this
any of
us. I didn’t know how he would be able to look at me and not see
Ryder’s hands all over my body. I didn’t know how he would be
able to spend time with Ryder and not wonder what his feelings were, his motives…that his lips had been all over me, his tongue inside me.

And now that I was in his presence again, I didn’t know if I’d be able to keep from thinking of Ryder and the powerful connection we’d created in the mansion.

I didn’t know how anything would ever be okay again.

I couldn’t keep it all in. It was too much. I needed to talk to
someone about this. There was only one person I could discuss it with. And as fucked up as it seemed to share the amount of detail necessary to explain the whole story, it felt oddly right somehow.

I KNOW THIS LETTER IS GOING TO COME
as a surprise; I’m
writing out of turn, and a week early. But I need someone to talk to, and I have no one else at the moment. No one who understands like you do, anyway. I’m not really sure if I’m even looking for advice, or for guidance. What I need more than either of those is someone to confide in, someone who’ll listen and withhold judgment no matter what I tell them.

Will you be that for me, D?

I always knew there was a chance that I would one day run into one of my masks on the street. I expected it, actually, and I’ve often searched the faces of the people who passed
the ones who skim my shoulders at bars, the ones in the back of the room at parties. I know I only saw a small portion of their faces, heard their limited tones and accents, in spite of having had full access to their bodies. But my craft has made me observant; I stare, I assess, I memorize so I can capture every unique detail and recreate them once I have a brush in my hand. That’s why I knew that all it would take was a single distinguishing detail
a hint of cologne, a tattoo. A voice.