Seductive Shadows (31 page)

I sat on the grassy area that covered her casket, facing her name as I pressed my knees into the cold stone. We were all alone, just the two of us, like we’d always been. I huddled close, hoping she would keep me warm. The road that extended past the hill had very little traffic; most people had already gone to work, and the school year had begun. That’s exactly where I should have been: starting fall semester in class with Professor Freeman. Instead, I was spending my final hours in the city saying good-bye.

Good-bye
.

I gripped both sides of the stone. “I’ve really fucked up, Em.”

When I spoke to her like this, I could sometimes hear her in my head—the response I thought she’d have, the expression I believed she’d have worn. Today, I had nothing like that. Silence surrounded me, surrounded us. No signs, no responses. Just me and her, and a thousand regrets.

“I know it hasn’t been very long since I was here last.” I stopped and looked down at my hand, at the heart that was tattooed on my pinky and our anniversary date that had been inked above it. “But so much has changed since then. I lost Lilly, Em...and I found my father.”

I didn’t tell her about the mansion, about the men or the sex. About the mask I wore in my wing, or the one I’d been wearing outside of it. I hadn’t come here to release all of that again.

I pulled several blades of grass out of the ground and threw them aside. “It doesn’t really matter that I have him now, though...after tonight I’m never going to see him again.” Had I never accepted the job, had I never made the choices I’d made, I never would have met him, never would have known he’d existed at all. And now, my life depended on me leaving him behind. “It’s all so fucked up, Em.”

I stopped plucking the grass and folded my fingers in front of me.

“You always told me that I lived my life in the shadows. Well, I’m not there anymore, Em. I’m not in the shadows…I’m not even reaching for them anymore. I’m running from them now.” I pressed my forehead into the stone. “Maybe when things settle down and everyone forgets my name, I’ll be able to come back.” It didn’t matter how far I went from Boston; I wouldn’t be leaving her. She was always with me, and always would be.

So for what reason would I even have to return at all?

Even if Cameron were able to accept what I’d done, I couldn’t expect him to wait for me. Dallas would move on, too. Our friendship would be nothing but a faint memory for him by then. There would be nothing for me here.

“I may not be here for our anniversary, or for visits in between. But it doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten. I won’t ever forget you, Em.” My eyes filled. “You’re my home.”

I tried to fight it, but the tears brimmed over my eyelids. I tilted my head and reread the letters across her headstone. Hunt.

Hunter
.

That night with him was a new darkness, a new scar.

I wanted to tell her how sorry I was that it had even happened, that it wouldn’t have happened at all if I hadn’t started on the path that led me to the mansion in the first place. It did nothing to eliminate my knowledge that Mr. Hunt was part of their clientele, part of the mess. Given the choice, I would have opted for ignorance, done so many things differently...

This was too much.

The thought of it all made my stomach churn again. I stood, straddling the headstone and the flowers in front of it, and bent down to wrap my arms around the hard surface. I hugged it as if it were a warm body, as if it were my Emma instead of the stone that marked her grave. “I love you,” I whispered.

I heard a noise behind me as a soft breeze of cologne wafted to my nose. I would never forget that smell. Of all the scents Dallas wore, it was my favorite.

Another someone to leave behind,
I thought.

Another good-bye.

“Thanks for coming,” I said.

I’d called him from a payphone on my way to Cameron’s place. I couldn’t imagine what my voice had sounded like then; it could only have been worse now.

He nodded. “You look awful. Are you all right?”

“No.” I wiped my eyes. “Definitely not.”

His arms opened and I fell against his chest, letting him hold me until I could gather myself, until I could share it all with him.

With my best friend.

Once I was in the limo on my way to the mansion, I slid out of my jeans and pulled the long-sleeve over my head. I changed into the white silk robe and terry cloth flip-flops, stuffing my outfit into the bag labeled
Charlie
once again. I had stripped in this backseat during this ride so many times that I usually paid very little attention to any of it anymore. But tonight, every sound was an alarm. Every turn and tap of the brake caused me to question our destination. I imagined they were taking me somewhere other than the mansion, that my death had been ordered for tonight, before I could escape. The Doctor had assured me that I would be safe, but anything was possible…everything could have changed since we’d last spoken.

I was only slightly relieved when the mansion finally loomed in view. I moved through the entryway and gripped the banister, squeezing my fingers around the wood as I ascended the grand staircase. The sturdy surface couldn’t stop my body from shaking or soothe the anxiety that pulsed through my veins. I concentrated on the prospect of the little nips of alcohol tucked in a cabinet in my wing. A few of those down my throat and my mask would be complete. I’d be able to get through tonight. I’d be able to hide the fear that threatened to burst out of me.

My eyes drifted along the walls of the music room, over the arches above the stairs. There had always been an eerie feeling about this place, a haunting aura of darkness that hovered unseen in the air. I felt it much more keenly now. I felt the death that lurked in these chambers, realized that the whispers and secrets that they contained were really stifled screams, and the elegant music piped in through the speakers was there to disguise them.

There wasn’t any music to conceal my screams as they echoed throughout my room tonight, though. Jay had requested silence. He wanted to hear me fully, to respond to every desire as I moaned. But the sounds that came from me were false, fake. Just another mask. I couldn’t get my head in the moment, and the alcohol had only served to soothe my nerves in the slightest. It had done nothing to calm my frantic thoughts.

His lips traveled down my neck and across my bare chest. His tongue flicked my nipple, and the scent of wine stirred and filled my nose. It blended with the starch of his shirt and the woodsy scent of his skin. He smelled like what I imagined a real man would; I had always hungered for that…until Cameron.

Now I hungered for so much more.

His body hovered over mine and I turned my head, pressing my cheek into the pillow. His mouth ascended as he kissed my chin, my nose, my forehead.

“Beg for me,” he whispered.

I usually melted at the sound of those words. But tonight, I moved my neck farther into the pillow instead. He shadowed me.

“Playing hard to get…I like that.”

I wondered how many girls had occupied this bed before I had.

They’re all dead now…

I squeezed my lids shut and turned my head the other way. Then I remembered the cameras. For the sake of my own safety, I took a deep breath and begged. “I need your tongue, baby. Eat my pussy…make me come.”

His tongue was too familiar, and so were his hands. I knew his pattern: two licks downward, one lick across, and suck. Two fingers would probe; another would tease my ass. But I didn’t want his tongue, or his fingers. And I didn’t want his familiarity. I wanted to be away from the mansion. I wanted to be with Cameron, where I belonged.

“I’ve missed this clit,” he breathed.

 
No one would miss you
…

I arched my back and bucked my hips against his face. There wasn’t a build in my stomach, or a tingle in my clit. This was all for show. I spread my legs even wider, taking handfuls of the pillows and sheets as I screamed out Jay’s name, shaking my core so it appeared as though I had been rocked with shudders. After several seconds, I fell flat on the mattress, closed my eyes, and waited for whatever he was going to do to me next.

“Relax a little for me, baby.” He was on top of me, teasing my hole. His teeth were on my nipple. But it wasn’t arousing anymore. It was an irritation. My body was so stiff and so dry…he was having a hard time entering. I clamped my lids shut and rubbed my clit, hoping the friction would make me wet again.

“Open your eyes. Show me how much you want me.”

His mask brushed across my chest, but I wanted it to be Cameron’s caramel colored hands caressing me. I wanted his dark red pouty lips around my nipple, his blue eyes roaming my body.

“You want my tongue again, baby? Is that why you’ve gone dry?”

I looked down between my breasts and met his stare. His lips started gliding toward my navel. Inside this house of horrors that knew nothing of sympathy, I knew this was Jay’s way of caring about me. Since he had been booking me multiple times a month, I’d learned his sex; he had proven to me that he wouldn’t shove anything in unless I was wet. But I didn’t think him licking my pussy was going to bring me to the level he wanted. So I rolled to my feet and led him to the edge of the bed.  He sat; with my hands on his thighs and my breasts sliding down his body, I got to my knees, closed my eyes and took him in my mouth. I let the movement bring me to another place, one where all of this made sense, where I wasn’t filled with wonder and bewilderment. Where I wasn’t filled with Jay’s cock.

When I looked up again, Cameron’s eyes were staring down at me.

***

The drop-off rotated between three different train stations. Tonight, I knew I had about fifteen minutes of my ride left. I counted to sixty, over and over again, preparing myself in case something went wrong. In case Victoria had read my fears and had replaced the Doctor’s plans with some of her own. My hands kept occupied by fumbling with my bag. I didn’t have anything else to busy them with—no phone calls to make or texts to send. Sometimes, I would call Dallas from the limo to pass the time, but I had already spoken to him today. I had spoken to everyone.

I had said my good-byes.

Dallas’s reaction hadn’t been all that different from Cameron’s: he wanted to protect me, to help me, and I had to convince him that me leaving by myself was the only way. But unlike Cameron, I could tell he had an opinion about my job at the mansion; it showed on his face, hung on his lips, though he didn’t say anything. He just shook his head as I spoke. I knew how much it hurt him to hear me confess my sins of the mansion, and to know that I was leaving because of it. But I couldn’t change either decision anymore.

Before we left the cemetery and went our separate ways, I told him how much I truly cared for him, and that I hoped I would see him soon. He squeezed me tighter than he ever had. I left before he had the chance to say another word.

And from there, I’d taken a taxi to the Public Gardens. Lilly had been my shadow, every bit as much as Emma had been my light. They were both in the air that I breathed in every day, the tiny particles that shimmered in the sun. I wanted to visit her gravesite one last time. The place where I’d scattered her ashes.

“I’ll be taking you with me, Lilly,” I told her. “You and your sweater.”

I could feel her sometimes when I closed my eyes, or when I wrapped her sweater around me. I could hear her voice. I could smell her scents.

“I miss you more than I expected to.”

My words to her were raw, and more revealing than what I’d said to Emma. Maybe it was easier sharing my darkness with Lilly because I knew she wasn’t pure. She wasn’t any better than me.

“I’ve cried for you. Cried for who you wanted to be because that’s who I want to be. But I’m not like you,” I told her. “I’m worse.”

I wondered what Lilly would have thought had she still been alive, if she would have remembered the Doctor.

If she would have missed me after I left.

***

I felt the limo come to a stop and heard the sound of the driver’s heels as he made his way to my door. I heard the handle click, the swish of fabric as I moved across the seat, pulling my bag with me. I kept my pace normal, my expression blank as I walked past him and into the station. Once there, I boarded my train.

It was late, and there were only a few passengers riding. I turned sideways and stretched my legs horizontally over the thick plastic seats. In a short time, I would be driving with the Doctor to the plane, flying to an unknown city, in a country that I had never visited, attempting to discover
normal
again. For these last few minutes, I tried to imagine what that would be, the
normal
that I longed for. I pressed my nose against the window. With every blink, my lashes scraped the glass.

I couldn’t enjoy my last viewing of the city as it coasted past my vision. The emptiness in my chest, the void in my stomach wouldn’t allow me that. There were too many unknowns now: where I would live, how I would work, if my art would still be allowed as a part of my life. If I’d ever truly be safe or satisfied…or happy. As I got closer to my departing station, I realized Charlie would soon be nothing more than a memory—one I’d probably be forbidden from ever speaking of again.

But what about the others who’d become memories in the mansion, the lost souls who weren’t given the choice to live, or the chance to escape? It wasn’t just or fair that they hadn’t had someone to save them, that they’d lost their lives because the Doctor wasn’t their father. Emma and Lilly hadn’t been given choices either before their lives were taken from them.

I had a choice, though.

I didn’t have to run from the people who threatened me, or the ones I cared about. I could stay and do the right thing. I could help those other girls who were just like me, working at that mansion because they desired more, because they’d been looking for their dawn but had ended up in even greater darkness instead. I could make sure those girls would be missed.