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Authors: Kelly Labonte

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See Dick Cook: A Culinary Voyage for the Average Man

BOOK: See Dick Cook: A Culinary Voyage for the Average Man
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See Dick Cook

A Culinary Voyage for the Average Man

KELLY LABONTE

Copyright © 2014 Kelly Labonte

All rights reserved.

ISBN: 0993921701
ISBN-13: 978-0993921704

DEDICATION

This book is for my family and my boys. The support you’ve shown me through this entire process has been unwavering and I love you all for that. To my best friend Rachel, for your creative prowess and that offside sense of humor I love so much. And for my husband Reg, my favourite “Dick” of them all. Without your encouragement this book would have never seen a keystroke.

You are my rock.

WARNING!

THE FOLLOWING RECIPES
ARE COMPLETELY SUITABLE FOR ALL DICKS.
USER DISCRETION IS NOT ADVISED.

Table of Contents

DICK’S KIT

Dick’s Tool Box

Dick’s Staples

Dick’s Dictionary of Gastronomic Jargon

Dick’s Doneness Chart

Dick Likes It Creamy Caesar Salad Dressing

Dick’s Cheater Garlic Butter

Dick's Tzatziki Sauce

Six Month Mari-Me-Nara Sauce

Dick’s Garlic Croutons

Sultry Sour Cream

IT’S A GUY THING – SNACKS AND APP’S

A Total Cheese Ball

Bachelor Bites

Bad Boy Bruschetta

Cocktail Weenie's

Crab Stuffed Popper Cherry Tomatoes

Dick's Bread n' Butter

Fromage et Trois Spinach Dip

Good Shit Baked Brie

I'm The Man Hamburgers with Sautéed Onions

Love Slugs

Nascar Nachos

Pigs and Popper's

Poker Pizza Dip

Real Men Do Cry French Onion Soup

Red Hot Red Pepper Soup

Reservoir Dogs Casserole

She's Perfect Pesto Portabellas

Hot Mama Melts

Single and Sexy Caesar Salad

Sloppy Dicks

Smokin' Gouda Dip

Stalker Soup

The Super Bowl Cheese Fondue

Wingman

GOING, GOING, GONE…

Banger and Dash

Bite Me Sheppard's Pie

Blackened Sole

Cold Shoulder, Hot Catfish

A Swing and a Miss Chipotle Chicken

Feeling Smothered Pasta

It's Not Me, It's You Meatloaf

Jerk-Off Chicken

Let Her Down Easy Eggplant Parmesan

One Crazy Taco

ShishkaDicks

Stick a Fork In It Porchetta Roast

We're Better Off Friends Fettuccini

Splitsville Pea Soup

COOKING WITH HOOCH

Beer Me Cheddar Soup

Chili on a Bender

Ciao Bella Steak

Crabby Chicks

Fishing for Compliments

French Liqueur Chicken

I'm a Catch Chicken Marsala

Marg Or Rita Chicken

Mojo-Mojito Shrimp

On Tap Guinness Stew

Seducer Sambuca Shrimp and Scallops

Slow Cooker Beef au Beer Sandwiches

That's the Spirit Pork Tenderloin

Thighs of Rum & Coconut

Jacked Meat

BACK OF THE LINE BOYS…SHE’S ALL MINE

Big Balls Spaghetti

Bombshell Burrito's

Crazy Chick Salad

Crème de la Femmes Salmon

Flex Your Mussels

Fromage et Deux Jumbo Shells

Fuhgeddaboudit Prime Rib

Hide the Salami Baked Chicken

Honey I'm Home Pork Chops

Man Up Sausage Manicotti

Mari-Me-Nara Spaghetti with Meatballs and Sausage

Nice Rack...of Lamb

One at a Time Ladies Lasagna

Tap That Sea Bass

Throw Me a Bone Bake 'n Barbecue Ribs

MEET THE PARENTS

A Bow Tie Event

Penniless Beef Tenderloin

Bagger Steak with Béarnaise Sauce

Crazy About Her Clam and Linguine

French Guy Meat Pie

Fruit of Their Loins Grilled Halibut & Mango Salsa

Gobble It Up Turkey Casserole

I'm Really Not a Jackass Jambalaya

A Penne For Your Thoughts

Keeping it Wrapped Grilled Jumbo Shrimp

Meet the Chief Beef Stroganoff with Bacon

Their Little Lamb Chops

Who's Your Daddy Chicken Diablo

Three Sheets to the Wind Chicken

What a Ham

Three Months’ Salary My Ass Salmon

Asparadick and Hollandaise

Back in Black Bean Rice

Baked Tomato Tata's

Bare Naked Garlic Mashed Potatoes

Bitchin' Broccoli Salad

Corn off the Wagon

Carb-a-Palooza Potato Casserole

Dick's Own Barbecue Salad

Dirty Girl Rice

Ears Like Cauliflower Casserole

Gold Digger Scalloped Potatoes

Manly Macaroni Salad

Nice Yams

Pre-Nup Fried Zucchini

Seeing Red Potato Salad

She's So Sweet Potato Frites

Teaser Tomato and Cucumber Salad

Rice Peel-Off

Wicked Wedges

Wine and Cheese Biscuits

DICK’S KIT

Welcome to the beginning of your voyage Dick. This short chapter is going to get you all set to start ‘working it’ in the kitchen. In here we are going to let you know which basic tools of the trade you will need, a list of items for you to keep on hand and a basic list of terms and definitions for you to refer to in that moment of doubt.

“Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.”
— Joss Whedon

DICK’S TOOL BOX

Every job needs a tool or two and every guy needs a fully equipped toolbox. The kitchen is no exception Dick. Here is a list of items that will have you prepared for your culinary voyage.

A half decent set of pots and pans including some non-stick ones

A good set of knives – this will save you hours of frustration

13” x 9” Baking Dish

Barbecue Cage

Casserole Dish Set (various sizes)

Digital Meat Thermometer

Dutch Oven (yes - this actually exists)

Electric Knife

Electric Mixer

Food Processor (an average sized one will do)

Grapefruit Spoon

Garlic Crusher (a hard-core one Dick, not cheap)

Heavy-duty Oven Proof Skillet

Measuring Cups

Measuring Spoons/Wooden Spoons

Meat Tenderizer

Metal Skewers

Oven Mitts – Manly ones

Pastry Brush

Rice Cooker

Roasting Pan

Roasting Pan Drip Rack

Salad Spinner

Salt and Pepper Mills

Sauce Pan

Slow Cooker / Crock Pot

Strainer/Colander

Timer (if you can’t work the one on the microwave)

Whisk

DICK’S STAPLES

There will be certain items and ingredients that appear regularly throughout this book Dick. Keeping these items on hand will ensure you have the necessary ingredients for most recipes that you’ll find in here. That, and it makes you look like you know what you’re doing.

You’re a professional Dick. Act like it.

All Purpose Flour

Bacon

Beef Broth

Beer (Yes – you cook with it too Dick)

Black Pepper – fresh peppercorns with a mill

Butter and/or Olive Oil Based Margarine

Chicken Broth

Chili Pepper Sauce

Cooking Onions and/or Spanish Onions

Cream Cheese

Dick’s Garlic Butter

Dijon Mustard

Dry Red Wine - always

Dry White Wine – always

Eggs

Feta Cheese

Garlic - fresh

Italian Seasoned Bread Crumbs

Jar of Chopped garlic

Jasmine Rice

Lemon Juice

Lipton Onion Soup Mix (regular or garlic)

Mayonnaise (for the love of God – real Mayo)

Non-Stick Cooking Spray (Olive Oil Variety)

Olive Oil – Light

Parmesan Cheese

Pesto (Basil variety)

Red Wine Vinegar

Sage Seasoning

Sea Salt

Seasonings/ Spices – Basil, Cayenne, Cajun, Cinnamon, Dill, Garlic Powder (not salt Dick – powder), Herbes de Provence, Montreal Steak Spice, Nutmeg, Onion Powder, Oregano, Paprika, Parsley Flakes, Red Pepper Flakes, Season Salt, Thyme, White Pepper

Shallots

Six Month Mari-Me-Nara Sauce (keep frozen in one and two cup portions)

Tabasco or other Hot Sauce

White Vinegar

Worcestershire Sauce

DICK’S DICTIONARY OF GASTRONOMIC JARGON

If you find yourself confused or unsure about some of the terminology used in the book, this reference guide will square you away with what it all means. I know you won’t ask for directions Dick, so here they are.

Al Dente
This describes pasta cooked firm to the bite – in other words, not mushy.
Au jus
This is the natural drippings or juice from a pan after cooking beef and deglazing.
Baste
This is when you brush, squirt or pour drippings or liquid, over food while broiling, roasting or baking. It prevents your food from drying out and adds flavour with the cooking juices.
Beat
To mix foods thoroughly to a smooth, even consistency using a spoon, fork, whisk or electric beater/mixer.
Blackened
A method of cooking that uses spices to coat meat or fish and then cooked in a very hot cast iron skillet to ‘blacken’ the outside.
Blanch
To cook food briefly in boiling water.
Broil
A method of cooking where the food is placed directly underneath the source of high heat.
Broth
A flavourful liquid made by simmering meats, fish, poultry or bones in water with herbs. This is also referred to as Stock.
Brown
To quickly sear food to enhance and lock-in flavor. This is normally done at the beginning of the cooking process with meat.
Brush
To coat food with a liquid such as melted butter or a glaze using a brush designed for this process – or a pastry brush.
Combine
This simply means mixing ingredients together.
Cube
The process of cutting something up into bite sized pieces.
Dash
This is a very small amount of seasoning, about 1/16th of a teaspoon. Sometimes referred to as a pinch.
Deep-fry
To cook submerged in very hot fat or grease until golden brown.
Deglaze
To swirl a liquid into a pan to dissolve particles of food on the bottom and sides of the pan for flavor.
Demi-glace
A rich brown sauce made from reduced beef stock or broth.
Deseed
To remove the seeds out of a fruit or vegetable.
Devein
This is the process of removing the black thread-like track from the back of a shrimp or prawn with a small knife.
Dice
To cut into regular sized cubes in accordance with the desired size.
Dilute
This is when you thin a liquid or reduce the intensity of flavour by adding liquid.
Direct Heat
A grilling method of cooking where food is cooked directly over a flame or heat source.
Dissolve
To stir a substance into a liquid until no solids remain.
Drain
This is simply to remove and discard the liquid contents from a cooking process.
Dredge
To lightly coat food to be pan-fried or sautéed. This is usually a breading of some sort.
Drippings
These are the juices and fat that is collected from the pan of cooked foods, such as roasts.
Dutch Oven
A large, deep pot that is covered with a tight fitting lid.
Filet
A boneless, skinless piece of meat.
Fillet
The process of removing the bones from fish or meat before cooking.
Flake
To break or flake food into small pieces.
Flambé
A method of cooking in which foods are splashed with liquor and ignited. Nice.
Garnish
This is a decorative touch added to dishes and beverages to enhance the appearance of the dish.
Glaze
A liquid that gives a shiny surface to an item, as in a glazed ham.
Grate
The process of shredding food into fine pieces.
Gratin
To sprinkle an item with cheese and/or bread crumbs and bake until golden brown.
Gravy
A sauce made from pan drippings and then thickened.
Grease
o cover a pan or dish with butter or oil to prevent food from sticking.
Grill
To cook directly over a heat source on metal racks – such as the barbecue.
Kebab
Small chucks of meat and vegetables skewered before cooking. Also called "shish kebab"
Knead
To press and fold dough in order to give it a smoother consistency needed for even cooking.
Marinade
A sauce that is used to soften and flavor meats before cooking.
Marinate
To soak meat, chicken or fish in a flavoured liquid mixture to enhance flavour and tenderness.
Medallion
A small piece of meat cut into an oval or a round shape.
Mince
To chop into very fine pieces, such as garlic.
Oven Bake
Cooking food surrounded by hot dry air in the oven.
Oven Broil
Cooking food with direct heat from above.
Pan Broil
Cooking food in a heavy pan without added fat and removing any fat that is produced as you cook the item.
Pan Fry
Cooking in a moderate amount of fat or oil, uncovered.
Parboil
To boil a food until it is partially cooked.
Pinch
A measurement of less than 1/16th of a teaspoon. Sometimes referred to as a dash.
Poach
To cook a food by placing it in a pot of simmering liquid.
Precook
To partially cook food before the final cooking process.
Preheat
To heat an oven to the recommended temperature before cooking in it.
Puree
The action of mashing a food until it has a thick, smooth consistency; usually done with a blender or food processor.
Reduce
To thicken and intensify the flavour of a liquid by boiling until the liquid reduces in volume, so the flavour is concentrated.
Roast
To cook foods by surrounding them with hot, dry air in an oven or over an open fire.
Sauté
To cook food in a small amount of butter or oil over a high heat in a shallow pan, so that it cooks and colours evenly.
Sear
To brown meat over a high temperature very quickly in order to seal in the juices.
Season
To improve the flavour of food by adding salt, pepper and other spices and flavours.
Shuck
To remove the shells from clams and oysters.
Sift
The process of removing lumps from certain foods while aerating it.
Simmer
To cook a pot or pan of food just below boiling point.
Skim
To remove fat or impurities that have risen to the top of a liquid being cooked.
Steam
To cook food by direct contact with steam.
Stew
To cook ingredients in a pot, gradually over a longer period of time.
Stir
To mix the entire contents of a bowl or saucepan to combine ingredients completely.
Stir-fry
Food that is cooked over a high heat with a small amount of in a pan or wok. The food is usually cut in small pieces to ensure quick cooking.
Strain
To separate the liquid contents from the solid food such as straining the liquid from the bones for stock.
Whisk
To mix using a whisk, fork or beater, to smoothly blend ingredients, or to incorporate as much air as possible into the mixture so it is light and airy.
Zest
The outer, coloured part of the peel of citrus fruit – usually grated from the fruit.
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