Seeing Julia (39 page)

Twenty minutes later, we’re sitting down and eating dinner. Normal stuff, something we’ve never done before, alone with each other like this, eating dinner. We talk about Kimberley and Brad getting married, about Reid. The normal stuff. My mind drifts to the nice officer Brian Grant.
He deserved better from me.
I feel awful for how badly things turned out with Brian that night. Jake must see this because he stops eating and looks at me.

“What?” He finally asks.

“I had this date with Brian Grant, the nice police officer, who stopped me in Malibu. We did the normal stuff: we went to a movie, shared popcorn, laughed a lot. You know just normal stuff. Then, we’re back at his apartment and things are progressing.” I sigh. “Well, it didn’t end so well and I feel terrible about that.”

“Didn’t end so well for whom? Back at his apartment? What happened after the normal stuff?” Jake gets this incredulous look. “Progressing to what? Did you
kiss
him?”

“I’m sorry I brought it up.” I glare at him, feeling even worse for Officer Grant, although the look of jealousy on Jake’s face is somewhat comical. “It was just nice. Normal stuff. That’s what I want. The normal stuff.”

“We can do normal.” Jake gets this distressed look.

“It was a date. We didn’t do anything more than kiss.”

“You
kissed
him?”

I give him a withering look and begin clearing the dishes. “You’ve been with Savannah Bennett. At one point, you think she’s pregnant
with
your
child
and you’re asking me if I kissed a police officer in Malibu. Seriously, Jake?”

“We can do normal. I promise. We
will
.” He’s looking at me with this intensity as if trying to find a way into my soul.

I practically toss the stoneware into the sink as a new wave of uncertainty overtakes me as he comes into the kitchen. He looks at me in surprise.
Normal is finished.
We’ve had dinner and he still hasn’t said anything that tells me anything.

“I don’t know, Jake. I’m not sure we can. Somehow, I’ll always wonder if you’re here out of some obligation to your parents or even the Savannah thing, which I still don’t completely understand.”

He starts pacing back and forth across the kitchen floor and runs his hand through his hair every so often. “Okay, I had reservations about coming here,” he finally says. “I
do
feel a little bit bought and paid for. I don’t know what to think. You didn’t talk to me about it. You just came up with your own God damn plan with Kimberley and Christian and cut me out of it. And, now you’re talking about this Grant guy. I don’t know what to think.”

“You’re not bought and paid for,” I say. “You’re free to go anytime you want. I just wanted her gone.”

“Why?”

“Because of what she
was
to Evan. Because of what she
did
to me.”

He’s holding his breath. His face is a parade of emotions: anger, frustration, disappointment. He seems to be going over the exact words I’ve used, trying to find the counterbalance. He’s looking at me with such intense concentration; it emanates from him across the room to where I stand as if willing me to say more.

The new Julia is confused, out of sorts, unwilling.
I don’t trust him.

“I don’t know how to trust you,” I say without thinking. My words cut across him. He literally flinches when I say this. I sigh and try to think of what to say to him. “How do I know you’re not just here out of some obligation to your parents? I don’t know what you want from me. I don’t. I’m not perfect. I married someone who expected that from me and when he discovered I wasn’t Elizabeth, he went searching for someone else and found your fiancée.” I finish the rest of my wine, avoid his direct gaze, and attempt to get my composure back. Finally, I look over at him and say, “I couldn’t tell you about their betrayal. I couldn’t do that to you. Maybe, that makes me a horrible person. Perhaps, you do feel bought and paid for, but, you’re not. I don’t want anything from you.”

He stands there for a few more minutes as if waiting for me to say more, but the old Julia wills silence and wins. After he leaves the kitchen, I angrily wipe away at a tear and start putting dishes in the dishwasher. He soon returns with more dishes from the table. His continual silence is far worse. I can see him processing this whole thing: everything I’ve said and everything I haven’t.

“Fine,” he finally says. “Let’s just get some things straightened out, right now.” He dials his cell phone and flashes me a defiant look. “Mom? Look, I need you to talk to Julia,” he says. “Yeah, she’s the one.” There’s a long pause. “She’s right here. I know. Well, she thinks I’m here out of some kind of obligation for what she’s done and I need you to set her straight.” He hands me the phone and stalks from the room.

“This is Julia.” I wince, dismayed that I’m nervous.

“Oh my God, Julia, it’s Laylie Winston. I can’t even put into words what you’ve done for us. Of course, we were close to your parents, but it doesn’t seem right you would take up our cause. Jake said he had it all worked out and we were trying not to worry too much, but now we’re just so touched and overwhelmed by your gesture. He’s loved you, since he was seventeen. He went all over Europe trying to find you after learning what happened in Athens to your parents, but you were already gone. All this time, he’s been searching for you and we’d told him he needed to move on, but he was always so determined to find you. We’re so thrilled the two of you have finally found each other that you’re both finally sitting down and talking it through.”

“We had dinner.”

“Oh that’s good. Feeding ‘em is always good.” She laughs and I start to as well as she echoes Kimberley’s exact words. “Julia, will you come see us soon? Jake talks about you and Reid all the time. He’s sent us pictures, but it’s not the same. Come to the ranch and stay with us a while. I know it’s not the beach, but there’s nothing like the sound of the wind rustling the grass in the middle of nowhere, when it’s really
somewhere
. It fills your soul and we all need that.” She laughs again, this tinkling sound, like wind chimes. I’m just drawn in to her so much like her son. “What you’ve done for us can never be put in to words and Jon is pretty good with those.” I hear her crying, though she’s been laughing and this is reaching at me, too. “Come see us, soon.”

“Okay, we will. I promise.” I wipe away another tear with the back of my hand.

Jake comes in. He looks uneasy when he sees my face before taking the phone from me.

“Mom? Yeah, we had steak, salad, green beans. She’s an awesome cook.” He looks over at me with this contrite look. “I don’t know. She’s never made me a pie.” He starts to smile. I back away from him because just seeing his smile plays havoc with my emotional defenses. “Sure, you could show her your famous pie crust recipe. I’m sure she’d like that.” He pauses again. “She said she’d come? Really?” He looks over at me again in surprise.

Now, his family is drawing me in. I turn away from him and walk into the great room. This is getting way out of control.

God damn it. This is so not a part of the plan.

I hear him say, “Okay, Mom, I have to go. I will. I’ll call in a few days. I love you, too.”

Jake follows me into the great room, stands across from me, and leans against the fireplace mantel with his arms folded across his chest, and watches me as I continue to pace the floor, trying to recall the plan.
I’ve got to get back on track. Back to the plan.

“What’s wrong? Are you…? Tell me what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling,” he says.

He’s been well coached.
Kimberley? Brad? Christian? Who has been telling him how to handle me? I look over as the rage for him just surges.

“I haven’t seen you, since LAX, when I sent you away and told you to send me a note with what you wanted to say. Now I’ve just blown up my life: sold all his assets, dismantled his company, and paid off your girlfriend or whatever the hell she is to you because I don’t know what she is to you. I’ve taken care of things in Austin, Telluride, whatever.” I jab my hand through the air. “And, then you put your
mother
on the phone with me. And, you know it just pulls me in, Jake. You
know
I want those things.”

“What things?”

His contrived innocence infuriates me further. “A normal life with a family, a mother who strokes your hair for no reason at all, who teaches you to make perfect pie crust for Christ’s sake. She
invited
me to the ranch. She said we should just stand out on the prairie and listen to the wind rustle the grass. She knows it’s not the ocean, but she said it fills your soul.”

“Okay.” He nods with some kind of enlightened understanding. “Mom’s always had a way with words and what she’s describing really happens. I would go there when I could and just think of you, somewhere, out in the world.”

“See? That’s what I’m talking about. You say things like that and then you…” I shake my head. “I think I’ve made so much progress, like today, with Savannah.” I start pacing again, trying to recall the damn plan.

“What Julia? Tell me.”

I stop and look over at him.
Say it. Just tell him.

“I’m scared. Of you. And, of what this is.” I swallow hard, but the tears come anyway. I brush at them in irritation. “I can’t lose anyone else, Jake. And, I don’t know how you feel about anything, including
me
, not really. I don’t know where we stand. And, I told you and myself I was giving up all connections to Evan. And yet, here we are and I feel more connected to you than I ever did to Evan. Why is that, Jake? Tell me why that is.”

The new Julia is talking way too much.
I employ the hangdog expression he’s done to me so many times already. He hesitates, as if he’s struggling to get the words just right.

“What?” I say in irritation.

He slowly smiles. “That’s what she said you’d do. Kimberley said, eventually, she warned me it would take some time, a long while, but if I would just wait, if I could just slow down and not put too much pressure on you.” He looks hopeful as if he’s concentrating on catching a small butterfly with his hands. “You would tell me how you really feel. And, now you have.” He looks amazed as if he’s just discovered the secret path into Wonderland. Maybe, he has. “So you want to know what I want from you. You want to know where you stand. You want to know how I feel about you.”

“Yes, let’s start there.” I can barely breathe. He walks towards me and trails his fingers down my neck, feeling my pulse.

“I’ve loved this girl for a long time and she was lost to me. Then, I found her again at UCLA, but she was in love with someone else and she didn’t even see me. I went on with my life still searching for this persona of this girl I’d always loved. Then, Evan’s getting married to someone he’s just met and down the aisle comes the girl from UCLA. So, I had to get away. I took the job in London, since she was lost to me, so I wouldn’t see her every day. I was starting over. They had a baby and I thought she was lost to me forever. Then, Evan dies.” He shakes his head. “I’m set to marry a girl who looked a lot like the one I’d lost, but was different in every other way and she tried to destroy the one I really love, just when I’d found you again, Julia. In talking to Brad, I’d say it doesn’t get more complicated than that.”

He strokes my face with his hands. Then, gently kisses the tip of my nose. “I love you, Julia. I’ve loved you for a very long time. I’d follow you anywhere because this incredible thing between us makes us connected forever, so don’t be scared. I’m not going anywhere.”

He puts his arms around me and pulls me closer. I encircle my arms around him and pull him closer. He starts kissing my neck and my racing pulse beneath his lips gives me away. He lifts his head and smiles at me. His eyes are this incredible turquoise-blue with just this hint of gold fleck on the outer circle, amazing eyes. I’m so close to him and I realize I haven’t been this close to him, this close, in such a long while. I’m reminded of the golden boy he was from long ago with that same smile and the same enchanting curvature of his lips. The same heady sensation—this magical connection—returns that I haven’t allowed myself to remember or feel until now.