Seeing Julia (42 page)

Everything is so clear to me; the stars are aligned right where they should be when I look up at the night sky. I smile and glance back at Jake, he gives me an evocative look, but looks uneasy just as I was, minutes ago. I reach for his hand and pull him along inside with me. I have enough bravado for both of us now.

“What’s wrong?”I ask.

“Nothing, I’m fine,” he says. “Sure.”

“I’ve noticed you say
sure
, when you’re really not sure. I was wondering, since you normally take care of everything and never ask me for anything, if there’s something I can do for you.
Anything
. Ask me to do anything.”

“Okay. I want you to do that thing you do to Reid, where you kiss your finger and then trace the ridge of his nose. I’ve wanted you to do that to me, since the first time I saw you do that to him. Christmas night. The night I knew that no matter who I hurt or who hurt me or whatever happened as long as I was breathing I had to be with you. Sure, it was Christmas Eve, the night before, when we were in your car getting Motrin for Reid when I confirmed who you were to me and knew I loved you, had loved you for a long time already, and would love you for all time, but it was when I saw you do that for Reid on Christmas that made me want you forever.”

I swallow hard, too moved, by what he’s just said to speak right away. “Do you say these things to all women or just me?”

“Just you. You’re all I see.”

I kiss my index finger, trace his forehead, and trail down the tip of his nose. “You’re all I see, too, Jake. That’s why I love you so much.” This is the first time I’ve really said this aloud and I think now that’s what he’s been waiting for me to say. This incredible smile transforms his face. “I love you, Jake. I always have.”

Together, we enter his darkened living room. He fumbles for one of the light switches and swears in the dark as he bumps into something. In the next moment, light floods the room and I involuntarily cry out.

“Sorry,” he says from across the room. “Damn it. I had this whole seduction scene planned out so everything would be perfect and nothing’s going right.” He dims the lights, stokes the fire, refills our champagne glasses, and hands me a flute, but he still looks on edge.

I’m strangely composed, just taking it all in. “Jake, it’s okay. We’ve got time.”

“We’ve already lost three hours with dinner, phone calls, and heated discussions.” He drains his glass and tops it off again.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“How do I know that? It’s been quite a ride trying to keep up with you, Julia. You could change your mind tomorrow. You can have anybody you want. Officer Grant called me a couple of times wondering how you were doing; I guess he checked your cell phone for who you dialed last when he stopped you that night in Malibu. And now I know
why
, since he knows what it’s like to kiss you. So, who knows?”

“I
know
. I’m not going anywhere without you.” I kiss my finger and trail it along his jaw line. “Have I ever told you how your southern drawl turns me on? The sound of your voice sends these shock waves through all of me. Say something.”

“No.” He shakes his head side-to-side and half-smiles at my teasing.

“I love the way you say
no
. Say it, again.”

“No,” he says in his oh-so-famous-southern-drawl.

I step back away from him, watching him. He’s just standing there, smiling at me, now. Trust seeps into him as it has for me. His white smile is like a lighthouse beacon in the darkness. His shirt is lit up from the reflective orange glow of the fire and the moonlight streaming in the window. A shadowy pattern plays across his face.

“You look like one of the black and white origami cranes,” I say with a little laugh.

He turns away and disappears through the doorway to the next room. I feel this let down that he would just leave like this. All this sensual buildup and then, he’s just gone. But then, he’s back again, holding the mobile. He hooks it onto his dining room chandelier. It starts spinning. I’m watching it and smiling. Then, I look over and find him just staring at me.

We meet in the center of his living room, ready to move forward
together. I kiss him and he kisses me back. A fantastical radiance seems to burst between us when we touch each other. I pull him closer and put my arms around his neck. His kiss consumes me and seems to set me ablaze. I feel alive in a way I’ve never felt before. We close in on the space between us and our bodies seem to connect at every juncture. This kinetic energy envelops both of us.

My mind seems to splinter with uncontainable elation. He slowly undresses me, unbuttoning my blouse, pulling off my jeans, casting my bra and panties aside with a knowing smile. I stand before him naked, but decidedly brave and committed to him already.

With fervent enthusiasm, I undress him in a matter of minutes, undoing his belt, the buttons to his jeans. I slide them off with unadulterated intention. I strip off his t-shirt and pause to caress his amazing body. There are no more restrictions, no more barriers, and no more social mores ruling us. The will of others no longer separates us. The liberation in being free to love each other transcends us both to a new place of our own making. His breathing is as erratic as mine. This discovery makes me smile and I know we are where we are supposed to be.

There’s a part of me that wants to slow all of this down and capture these first moments, but there’s this other part beholden to this urgent need to connect with him. It overtakes the sentimental wishes as I reach for him and pull him to me, needing to hold on to him as we meet up with this inexplicable connection that’s always been there between us. With enthusiasm, we fall back against the sofa and he finds his way to me, covering my body with his own and kisses me all over. His vulnerability is evinced in this physical desire for me, though my insides flow with a similar response, but he has no way of knowing this. Then, his fingers intimately explore me there, too, and I smile up at him.

No one else is here, but the two of us. We immerse ourselves in this amazing union and when he moves inside of me, there’s this incredible sense of fulfillment. He is the most precious part of me that’s been missing for so long. He is the missing link; I’m whole again. His sexual prowess and mastery as a lover, effectively vacates my past, except for him. All I can see is Jake. I’m mesmerized by his powerful presence, while my body involuntarily responds to every sensational touch with him. In sharing this miraculous connection he lights me up from the inside and he tells me I do the same for him.

We recognize our first time together and surrender to this irresistible frenzy, this urgent need, that requires destiny be realized. It’s clear to both of us we’re inseparable, complete, and able to withstand the changing tides, and what this life together might bring for us.

≈ ≈

We lie in front of the fire wrapped up in the same blanket; our bodies intertwined. Within his embrace, my body naturally curves down the length of him as if we spent a lifetime together already. He settles his chin in the arch of my neck and every so often, he kisses the side of my face, each kiss is like an imprint, an inextricable tie to him. We’re exhausted and satiated at the same time, both fully aware that our life together stretches out before us because we’re together at last. We joyfully accept this reality and playfully start planning our future.

Jake reaches over and pours the last of the champagne into our glasses and hands me one. He trails his finger along my breast, traces further down, spending a few tantalizing moments at my abdomen, and then moves onto my inner thigh with true intention. I moan at his touch, while he laughs in this provocative way at my powerless reaction. I drink a little champagne, then set it aside, and turn toward him again. Coming to life inside, I guide him into me and become mesmerized by the suggestive way he says my name in the heat of our lovemaking. But then, he stops in the midst of our magnificent ride, just as we’ve found our unique rhythm. His hand traces over my left hip bone.

“What is this? Birth control?”

I look down to where he’s touching me; then, sheepishly look up at him. “Uh-huh.” I lean up back on my elbows and see his eyes rake across my naked chest. He fondles my breasts, while I try to stay focused on answering him. “I tried the Pill, but I only missed a few of them and then surprise…Reid. I guess I’m one of those women who can get pregnant pretty easy,” I say with a little laugh at my joke. “So to keep my cycle more on track and since the Pill doesn’t work so well. Evan didn’t want any more kids,” I say without thinking.

“Well, I’m
not
Evan and
I do
. I want at least four, well,
three
more.” He gets this mischievous smile, works at the edges of the patch at my hip, and tears it off in the next minute. He starts moving into me again. “Let’s get started on that baby, right now,” he drawls.

But I’m reeling from what he’s just said. “Four?” I ask, incredulous. “Shouldn’t we at least
talk
about this?” I slide away from him, just out of his reach.

He looks down at me in surprise, moves closer to me again, and kisses my face. “Julia, you’re a fantastic mother. I missed seeing you pregnant with Reid.” His fingers trail along my stomach. He gets this wistful look. “I don’t want to miss anything else with you. I want to experience it all—a family, a normal life—with you.”

“I want that, too. I do. I just…
four
kids? I was thinking more like two.” My mind is having difficulty wrapping itself around this idea of a family of six, even if it is with Jake, who I’ve secretly anointed in the past few hours as the love of my life.

I’ve lost my concentration in what we were doing and he’s torn off the patch, effectively ending my quest with birth control. I’m busy trying to remember what the instructions said about how long the medication lasts, while he’s looking at me with this renewed intensity, and perhaps, realizing this about me. He gets this disenchanted look, stands up, and strides away from me across the living room, perfectly comfortable with his naked, munificent, beautiful, god-like body.

A few minutes go by, before I realize he’s not coming right back. Soon, I hear the shower running. “Not so perfect,” I say to the empty room. “Julia, less than perfect. Jake, less than perfect, too.” I attempt to smile at the reminder of this recent life lesson.

He’s standing under the running water with his eyes closed, shampooing his hair; his desire fading away, but still evident. Naked, I step inside, surprising him in the next second with a daring touch that demands his full attention. His arms come around me. He lifts me up off the shower floor. I make a face at him and he starts to laugh. “Let’s never be so mad at each other that we take a shower without the other person. Okay?” I say.

“I’m not mad,” he says with a sheepish grin.

Then, he shows me that he isn’t mad. Anymore, at least. When I kiss him and then demonstrate my willingness to consider at least one more child as I abandon all thoughts of birth control and encircle his waist with my legs. I’m determined to finish where we left off in the living room just minutes ago.

≈ ≈

The water runs cold, eventually stirring us both from this latest mesmerizing encounter. He turns off the shower, wraps me in a towel, and then says, “That night, when I put you in the shower in your black silk dress, I was desperate to save you and already knew I couldn’t live without you. I was so scared I was going to lose you, just when I’d found you again. And, you were so sad and I just wanted to make everything all right for you again.”

“And, you have.” I reward him with my most benevolent smile.

After a while, I say, “I’ll do
three
. That’s it.” I employ my infamous
stand down
move.

He takes my hand and brings it to his lips. “I can live with that,” he says. “For
now
.”

≈ ≈

Hours later, we lie awake in bed, holding each other and sharing in this inexplicable wonder that we’re finally together. I settle further into his arms and listen to his heart beat, enchanted by its steady rhythm. Contentment travels through me, vacating a need I’ve always coveted but have never fully realized, until now, with him. I lift my head and look up at him. He looks happy, too. I put my arms around his neck and kiss him.

“Have I told you lately that I love you?”

“Not lately, not in the last twenty minutes or so.” Jake plays with my hair. His hand travels back and forth in a soothing rhythm. Then, he stops. “Do you think it will always be like this?”

“I think…” I say, gazing up at him with a secret smile. “It’s always been this way between us.”

“
See
?” Jake says. “You
do
remember me.”

≈ ≈

Sometime, during the night, I awaken and discover Jake is still holding my hand. I slip away from him, stare out his bedroom window for a few minutes, and glimpse the stirrings of dawn as it meets up with the Atlantic. It’s an extraordinary moment watching this union. A sign.