Seers (13 page)

The walk up Delaware Ave. back to the academy should offer the perfect opportunity to clear my head. It is such a beautiful night, the perfect no-jacket night with just the right light breeze. The sky is clear and full of stars. As I walk past beautiful home after beautiful home, I wish this were my neighborhood. I wish, again, that I could stay here. So much for shoving that thought away.

I pass the front of the academy and turn after its left wing to the student parking lot. Mine is the only vehicle remaining. I am caught up in how much I love the look of my truck when I notice something that shouldn’t be there. A figure? Is someone leaning against my truck? The figure turns to face me. Oh, crap. Not now. It’s Luke.

What is this? Is his special gift knowing when to lean against a vehicle until I show up? No. Obviously I would show up at Daisy’s car. We had plans. And my truck? I’d say it’s a safe bet that I’d be here sooner or later to claim it. So he wanted to be sure he saw me before I went home. Before tomorrow. Why?

No better way to find out than to ask him.

I walk around the front end to the side he’s leaning on.

“Hey,” I start.

“Hey.” He’s trying to read me, gauge how I feel about his being here. And why wouldn’t he be unsure about how I would take it? He’s in an empty school parking lot waiting for me against the
driver side
door of my vehicle. So I can’t even jump in and take off. It’s dark and he’s waiting for a girl like some kind of psycho stalker. Sure, I feel great about this.

“What are you doing here?” I ask.

“I wanted to see how today went,” he says, looking my face over, reading me still.

“How today went? You’re on my truck because you want to know how my afternoon at the farm went?”

“You went to Eri’s after, didn’t you?”

I have to get to the bottom of this Luke and Eri thing.

“Yes. She played the cello for me,” I answer matter-of-factly as I watch him frowning.

“Did she tell you anything?”

He is really grilling me. What the heck does he think of me? That I have some ulterior motive? That I don’t truly care about Eri? Well, I do have a motive, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have her best interests in mind, which I believe this mission does.

“Like what?” I am playing dumb all the way. If he wants information from me, he is going to have to work for it.

“Did she talk about her parents? Her dad?”

He doesn’t seem to like that I am defensive and tight-lipped. His voice is pinched, and his body is tensing up even more if that’s possible.

“She talked about a bunch of things, Luke. I didn’t realize I had to report a play-by-play to you if I spend time with Eri in your absence. Did I sign some sort of contract that I am not aware of? Did I not get the memo?”

I know giving him attitude could be dangerous, considering how hot and bothered he is right now, but I have a limit to how much annoyance I can take before I lash out and want to blow someone’s hair back. But it has the opposite effect. He suddenly becomes aware of me. That I am a person. One who will challenge him if I have to. It’s like before he was talking to me as a subject, someone lower than he is on some level.

Luke answers me after a deep breath that smoothes his brow and relaxes his shoulders. “Leesie, I just worry about her. She is so undecided right now. And you’re confident. Strong. I was worried you might tell her to fight her father’s wishes. That you would tell her to fight for what she wants. Only I am not sure she knows what that is yet. Or that she is strong enough to fight for herself. She’s so sensitive to how others feel. I don’t think she is the type of person who can challenge people regardless of how it may hurt them.”

Strong, confident? Thanks. The type of person who can challenge people regardless of how it may hurt them? Does he think that of me? Am I that type of person?

“Are you saying I would try to convince her to do that? To hurt her family? I don’t have one, so how could I possibly have any idea how to respect the feelings of its members? Is that it?”

I don’t really believe he thinks that of me. I haven’t been cold or unfeeling in the short time that I have been a member of this group. But I want him to back all the way off. I want him to see me as someone with my own set of feelings and sensitivity. Maybe I want to appear a little vulnerable. Just a little … but why? So that it might occur to him to protect me instead of Eri? Is that it? Am I jealous of how attentive he is to her? But then I think of having someone traipsing all over town scowling at people and interrogating them on my behalf. Gag me. I would throw up. I’d rip my own eyelashes out before I’d allow someone to guard-dog me.

“I don’t think that. I don’t. I’m sorry—” He leans toward me slightly. His eyes are pleading now. He doesn’t want to insult me. I can see that.

Fine. He doesn’t think I am cold and heartless. He just worries about his friend being influenced by her strong, confident, and ultra-wise new friend. Okay, Luke. You can have some answers.

“She talked about her dad, yes. I asked her what she needed to be content and happy. She couldn’t answer. She played her cello for me. I left. I offered her nothing. No advice. Frankly, I don’t have any answers or suggestions to give. I don’t know what she should do.”

Yet.

But once I figure out the answers, I will be fixing her father for her, so don’t worry, Lukie. I’ve got this.

“Oh. Okay. And, look, I’m sorry about all this. This ambush. I was going to say something to you about it this afternoon, but I got distracted. And then Eri was there, wondering what I was doing. It just didn’t go the way it was supposed to go.”

“No?”

I make eye contact and hold it as I say this. I want him to acknowledge the moment we shared this afternoon. The great name exchange. Was that something to him? It was surely something to me.

“No. I got … caught up… .”

He’s all mine now. He is definitely not thinking about Eri anymore.

“Caught up in what?”

I’m totally leading him. Like a lagging dog on a leash.

“In you.”

There’s that deep breathing again. His chest rises and falls. His jaw clenches. But he makes no move toward me. He remains leaning forward, turned toward me with his butt and right hand on my truck. I am facing him. My left hand rests on my truck too, dangerously close to his.

I give it another second, leaving his words lingering out there. But still he doesn’t move toward me. No touch. No kiss.

“I better let you get home.”

And that’s it. He looks past me, drops his hand from my truck without so much as brushing mine, straightens up, and walks away.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he calls with his back to me.

I don’t bother to answer. I will not talk to a guy’s back. You walk away, that’s it. No more conversation for you. What’s worse is my little power play is pointless anyway. Like he cares if I didn’t answer him. He walked away! He is obviously done with me for the night. This guy is infuriating. His intensity is unpredictable. He is hot and cold. He is toying with me.

But truth be told? I like it more and more all the time.

I drive aggressively on the way home, taking out my frustrations on the highway. I am determined to control something right now. My speed, who’s in front of me, which route I’ll take. I am currently controlling so little in my life that I am reduced to this. Eri is still a mystery. My relationship with Luke grows more and more complicated. I have to constantly worry about reporting to Tobias. I need to sit in my chair and sketch out a plan.

Once in my apartment, I lay my book bag down by the door. Homework will wait until I clear my head. I pour a glass of water, grab a bag of soy crisps and my journal, and cross the kitchen to my chair. The night is clear and noisy. I hear the honking of a horn, the barking of a dog, and the scratchy voice of a guy yelling on the street below before I settle into my usual position. I maneuver the throw pillow into the right corner. My left elbow finds its place, half on the pillow, half on the arm of the chair. My left leg bends, knee up, heel down on the seat. My other leg remains on the hardwood floor, but I tilt my foot to the side, bending at the ankle so that the outside of my foot feels the smooth, cool wood. I open the bag of soy crisps—always the same cheddar flavor—and place the bag in my lap. My water is on the windowsill to my left so that I have to extend my already supported left arm only a couple of inches to grab it. I reach into the bag with my right hand only.

For the first time I seemingly float outside of myself, watching this. Realizing the extent to which I am a creature of habit. I am almost robotic. A droid. Programmed to follow the same patterns of behavior, the same movements to achieve the same result every time. No wonder this ever-changing Luke and Eri thing is bothering me so badly. I can’t even sit in a chair without turning it into a process of repetition. I allow myself to assess this further. I need to get to the root of my discontent. What is really bothering me about this mission?

As I record the facts of the day, I think on my previous missions. Even though the faces changed, the schools were different, and the information I was searching for was never the same, the one constant was the fact that I knew I was getting in, getting information, and Navigating for a desired result. Then getting out. There is a comfort in that. I was in a routine. The down changed but I was still running the same play. Somehow in the constant upheaval I found a pattern that made me feel secure. Now, with this mission, it’s not only a different down; it’s a whole new play, one that I haven’t rehearsed for.

I am supposed to be running this show. In my other missions I always felt like the director on the set. I commanded my actors’ performances and worked them according to my desired result. After all, I am in control of the level to which these mission relationships develop. Aren’t I?

I feel a pang in my chest. That’s it—I’m getting close to the root of the problem. I feel like Luke repeatedly wields the upper hand. And Eri. I should be getting the dish from her by now. She should be telling me her innermost secrets and every detail about the problems she is having with her father. The more time I spend with her, the closer I feel to her, and the more I learn about her. But it’s always on her terms. She let me into her musical world today by opening up about the cello and playing for me, but she has yet to truly open up about her dad.

And then a final thought, a last tugging as if the clouds of confusion part, and I see the center of my problem. I see what I have been too confused or too busy to see.

What will Navigating Eri’s dad really do? Even if I can get her father to back off, it will never really end for her. Sure, he may let her have a little more breathing room, but he is never going to say, “Sure, honey, just be yourself and anything you want is okay.” No. Dr. Arashi Kuono is always going to want his only daughter to achieve professionally. He is never going to stop pushing. So that leaves me with a gaping question. Why am I on this mission? Why has it not occurred to the other Seers that this mission’s success is too subjective? Sure I can Navigate Dr. Kuono to find the root of why he pressures Eri, but that does not mean that he will stop being involved in her life, stop caring about her success, stop wanting the best for her. It makes sense to assume then that I am the only one who measures the success of this mission by Eri’s comfort level. Tobias is only concerned with Dr. Kuono getting back to his work.

None of this would be a problem if I didn’t like Eri. Or the rest of them. I like them. I’ve broken Tobias’s rule: don’t get attached. And now I’ve taken it one step further by admitting to myself that I am attached. That’s so much worse. I am not even denying it to myself anymore.

Even without proper reference to help me gauge my feelings for people I know, I feel connected to Eri, and I’m infatuated (yeah, I may as well admit that, too) with Luke. So I have broken the rules. No. I have torn up the rule book and set it on fire.

Like the loud popping of a splitting log on a fire, three sharp knocks at the door jerk me to attention. I hurry to finish my entry. I add a few details to my bulleted list of things I did during my time at Eri’s house. Satisfied, I stand, stretch, inhale deeply, and attempt to remove any trace of care or concern from my face before I open the door. I follow Daniel obediently to Tobias and decide to keep my thoughts on Eri’s role in this mission a secret. I know the lecture my sentiment toward her will receive.