Seinfeld Reference: The Complete Encyclopedia (17 page)

Jerry would have made a great Nazi because he is obsessed with neatness and order--everything must be perfect.  However, the obsession caused some personal turmoil when he noticed an asymmetry in his body hair, and shaved his entire chest attempting to even it out.  Moreover, Jerry discards any item that comes into contact with germs, such as a belt buckle that grazed the side of a urinal or a shoelace that touched the floor in a public restroom.  In one instance, his girlfriend, Jenna, placed one of his household items in the toilet.  Jerry began throwing away everything and slept in his car because it was the only germ-free sanctuary.  When Jenna finally revealed that she dipped the toilet brush in the toilet, Jerry was relieved because it could be replaced.

George describes Jerry as finicky, prissy, and fastidious.  Jerry has annoying tendencies but his oral obsession is almost a disorder.  In fact, he is only a quirk or two away from complete dementia.  According to Kramer, Jerry has a Peter Pan complex because he owns so many sneakers.  Elaine believes that Jerry is shallow, and just when she thinks he cannot get any more shallow, he manages to drain a little more out of the pool.

Jerry does not allow meat, butter, leftovers, or soft cheese in the refrigerator, and deducts a minimum of two days off all expiration dates.  He is lactose intolerant, and Tor Ackman, a holistic healer, believes that Jerry eats too much dairy.

Jerry only vomited three times in his life: June 29, 1972, June 29, 1980, and February 3, 1994 (after consuming a black and white cookie that prompted him to toss his cookies).  For the record, in 1987 he had the dry heaves but did not vomit.  Jerry also had hives, caused by benzene, a metal cleaning solution in Bronze-O, when Kramer began using Jerry's face towel to clean a meat slicer.

In addition, Jerry had a near-fatal accident when an X-Acto knife nicked his jugular.  After losing a considerable amount of blood, Kramer donated three pints, which caused Jerry to freak out--he could feel Kramer's blood borrowing things from his blood.  When Jerry had another accident--being dragged behind his car by the Mandelbaum family--he received another transfusion, but this time from Newman!

Jerry is a member of the La Guardia airport Diplomats Club.  He even considered joining the Friars Club after Pat Cooper arranged for his acceptance.  Regrettably, an incident involving a misplaced dinner jacket nixed the admission.

Figure 8 Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld) arguing with Kramer (Michael Richards.

As an act of kindness, Jerry volunteered to provide companionship to 87-year-old Sidney Fields.  Sid is cranky and verbally abusive, and would rather be dead than go for a walk or have coffee with Jerry.  Sid accused his Senegal housekeeper of stealing, and during a physical altercation, he bit Kramer's arm.  While pulling his arm free, Kramer managed to dislodge Sid's dentures, which became mangled in the garbage disposal.

Jerry's accountant, Barry Prophet, of the firm Prophet and Goldstein, was suspected of having a drug problem because he was always sniffing.  Kramer implemented a sting operation to catch Barry in the act.  Jerry authored a nasty letter to end their financial relationship but never mailed it because the sniffing may have been caused by an allergy to mohair.  Unfortunately, Barry filed for bankruptcy because of a drug habit, and Jerry lost his money.

Jerry is a loyal patron of the Three Brothers Barber Shop, and retained the same barber, Enzo Manganero, for twelve years.  Enzo's favorite customer is Jerry because of his long-term loyalty.  Jerry has a beautiful head of hair and washes it with Prell--the hard stuff, 100 proof--it takes the roots out.  Despite horrendous haircuts, Jerry does not want to hurt Enzo's feelings by switching to his nephew, Gino.

Other miscellaneous information: Jerry's favorite explorer is Magellan; favorite animal is the leopard (he likes the spots); the most unattractive world leader of all-time is Brezhnev; the worst thing about being blind is not knowing if there are bugs in your food; he once dreamed that a hamburger was eating him; and if he was abducted by aliens and taken back to their planet, he would prefer to be in the circus because he could travel across the planet and would still be in show business.

Family

Morty Seinfeld married Helen and they had two children, a son and daughter.  Jerry thinks his parents are insane.  Helen has never been in a natural body of water and Morty has never thrown anything away.  When their 96-year-old friend Marvin Kessler died, Jerry's parents commenced an exercise program of walking around the block three times a week.  Morty started eating a plum every morning and carried a brick in his suitcase.  Despite a healthy diet, he did experience back problems after sleeping on a convertible sofa, and traveled to New York City to see a back specialist (Dr. Dembrow).

Both parents are remarkably frugal.  They often stay in a cheap hotel whenever Jerry's apartment is unavailable; however, when Jerry arranged a posh suite at the Plaza Hotel, they consumed $400 in snacks, ordered $300 in massages, 12 pay-per-view movies, champagne, and five shoe shines.  Moreover, Jerry's father never paid full-fare for an airline ticket and admits to shoplifting batteries.  According to Morty, it is not stealing if it is something you need.

When receiving birthday presents, Morty only cares whether it was a good deal, and is especially excited if it may be stolen.  Thus, when Jerry purchased a $200 Wizard Electronic Organizer (with fax, e-mail, calculator, and daily organizer), he told Morty that it cost $50.  Morty thought the organizer was a radar detector, and was only interested in using it to calculate tips.  In addition, Morty claimed that getting a #1 Dad t-shirt was the most wonderful and thoughtful thing that Jerry had ever done for him (Jerry pointed out that he bought his father a Cadillac, twice, and for their wedding anniversary, he bought his parents a Parisian vacation aboard the Gateway to Paris Charter Flight).

Despite their frugality, Jerry's parents insist on paying for everything.  They even sold their $22,000 Cadillac to Jack Klompus for $6,000 because they thought Jerry was destitute after bouncing a check at the bodega, and a
Sun Sentinel
article indicated that stand-up comedy was no longer lucrative.  Jerry attempted to prove his financial security by repurchasing the Cadillac, but Klompus demanded the blue book value and sold it for $14,000.  Unfortunately, Klompus drove the car into alligator alley (and lost his astronaut pen in the swamp).

Morty sold raincoats for 35 years and in the 1960s fortuitously designed the Executive, a beltless trench coat.  While wearing the coat he accidentally tripped over one of Jerry's toys.  Morty took off the belt to threaten Jerry and saw himself in the mirror--that night he cut off the loops and the Executive was born.  Morty refused to include Velcro in any of the raincoats because he hates the tearing sound.  Although the Executive was a fashion disaster, twenty years later he joined forces with Kramer in a business venture to sell the garment to a used clothing store.  Morty also came up with an idea for a brimless rain hat.

Condominium.
When Jerry's parents moved to Florida in 1990, they lived in The Pines of Mark Gable condominiums that had a man-made lake.  According to Jerry, his parents
had
to move to Florida--they were in their 60s and it is the law of the land.  Their neighbors and best friends are Jack and Doris Klompus.  Other neighbors include: Evelyn (whose nephew is a brilliant lawyer), Blanche, Mrs. Simmons, Arnie, Dr. Churnoff and Gussy.

Much like handling his personal finances, Morty was frugal while acting as president of the condo association from October 1990 to October 1991.  Klompus was the emcee and organized Morty's roast as the outgoing president of the condo association.  Unfortunately, Morty was not pleased with the insults, so he accosted Jack Klompus and broke his dentures.

Morty was also president of the condo association in 1995-96, but allegations of embezzlement tarnished his tenure.  When he flaunted a fully-loaded Cadillac, the condo board voted for a complete investigation regarding Morty's handling of funds.  In February 1996 he was forced to resign after losing two deciding votes--Sol Brandes, who was upset because Morty never thanked him for aisle seats at the Freddy Roman show, and Mabel Choate, who recognized Jerry as the thug who stole her marble rye bread.  Jack Klompus, the acting vice president, became the new condo association president.

After the infamous impeachment, the Seinfelds moved into a new development, Del Boca Vista Condominium Phase Two, in The Pines of Mark Gable.  Del Boca Vista had a shuffleboard court, pool, clubhouse, and fish pond.  A few of the neighbors included: Bernie, Mrs. Glickman, and Sid Luckman.  The most notable neighbor was 80-year-old Izzy Mandelbaum, whose family owned the Magic Pan restaurants.  He was touted as being strong as an ox and used to work out with Charles Atlas in the '50s (Jerry queried whether it was the
1850s
, and Izzy proclaimed, "It's go time" and challenged Jerry to a test of strength).  Izzy injured his back twice, and soon his competitive son and decrepit father were hospitalized after attempting to prove their strength.

In 1997 the Seinfelds sold their condominium and purchased a camper, which they pulled with their Cadillac, but returned to Del Boca Vista a few months later.  The following year Morty had condo election fever but was unable to run for president because of his prior impeachment.  Even though Morty resigned, he feared being crucified by the condo newsletter, the
Boca Breeze
.  He solicited Kramer to run for president, but a tip calculator scandal cost them the election.

Personal.
Morty's greatest moment was in 1946 when he worked for Harry Fleming and invented the beltless trench coat.  He sold raincoats in the Garment Center for 38 years and cut velvet with Harry Altman for 40 years.  Despite leaving the workforce in 1990, Morty came out of retirement to support his son, who bounced a check at a local bodega.  He was briefly employed by J. Peterman, but promptly terminated for refusing to stay past 5:15 p.m., and objecting to Peterman's long, boring anecdotes.

Morty drives like he is grand Marshall of the Rose Bowl Parade because he never exceeds 20 miles per hour.  Morty is displeased with the quality of television, so he only watches "Xena, The Warrior Princess."

Jerry's parents dislike the Costanzas because they are loud and always fighting--it's uncomfortable, exhausting, and like being in an asylum.  The Seinfeld's were especially incensed when the Costanzas contemplated moving into the Del Boca Vista condominiums.

Morty believes that Monet was nearsighted because nobody would paint like that if they could see--everything is out of focus.  He also connects with Renoir, especially the way he painted children.

Relatives

Jerry's grandfather died in 1988 (though according to Uncle Leo, it was 1962).  Jerry's grandmother, Nana, had four children: Leo, Helen, Sylvia, and Mac (who is writing an autobiography on all his experiences).  Despite living on a fixed income, Nana donated $1,500 to a PBS telethon (from her checking account at Chemical Bank) and always places a $10 check in Jerry's birthday card.  She has stayed inside her apartment in 25 years, and often asks Jerry to come over and open a ketchup bottle.  Due to Nana's age, she has difficulty distinguishing between the past and present, and once revealed that her husband won $1,000 at the racetrack in 1941, gave $100 to Leo, and told him to give $50 to Helen.  Leo reneged, and when Morty calculated the interest at 5% compounded quarterly, the debt was $663.45.  To conceal the truth, Leo placed Nana in the Knollridge Nursing Home where an elderly neighbor, Buddy, confirmed the transaction.

Uncle Leo is best remembered for his infectious "Hello" greeting and grabbing people's arms while speaking to them.  Leo was an obnoxious kid who used to steal soda bottles to collect the deposit.  After placing a can of oven cleaner in the oven with the pilot lit, an explosion singed his eyebrows and mustache (and thereafter he resembled a seal).  Leo married Stella, and they have one child, Jeffrey.  When the marriage ended, Leo began dating Lydia, who was perfect in every way and a real tiger.  Uncle Leo believes that everyone is an anti-Semite; if anything goes wrong in life, it is because of anti-Semitism.  When Lydia laughed at this observation, Leo accused her of being anti-Semite and broke up with her.  Jerry ultimately convinced Leo to reunite with Lydia because he was disgusting, bald and paunchy, and very lucky she found him desirable.

Much like Jerry's parents, Uncle Leo shoplifts, but instead of batteries, he steals tomes from Brentano's bookstore.  After witnessing two incidents, Jerry informed store security to scare Uncle Leo.  Instead, he was arrested, and faced jail time because of a past criminal history, which was described as a crime of passion.

Uncle Leo is so proud of his son; he speaks as if Jeffrey split the atom.  Jeffrey loves botany and zoology, and became good friends with his botany college professor.  He has a horse face, and stays home on Friday night to watch the Nature Channel.  Jeffrey originally worked in Central Park for the New York City Parks Department, where he participated in its production of
The Mikado
.  He eventually transferred to supervise the transformation of the Riverside Park operation, which was basically the same job with more income.  Jeffrey's biggest honor was the Park's commissioner recommending him for a special citation based on his two-hour edible foliage walking tour that explained the park's entire history.