Selby Splits (3 page)

‘Good grief,’ Selby thought as he crept away into the night. ‘Before these two start orbiting around each other, I think I’ll streak out of here like a comet!’

I think the time has finally come
To write a poem about a bum
That fleshy bit behind, I mean
Around the back, so rarely seen

Poems sing of broken hearts
And lots of other body parts
There’s even one about a thumb
So why not praise the humble bum?

o bum, o bum, o humble bum
of thee I sing, of thee I hum

And why this silence, pray tell why?
Because your bum is very shy
Its almost always deathly quiet
(Depending on your type of diet)

O bum, O bum, O quiet bum
O little chum, O quiet bum

A built-in cushion, is your bott
So spare your bum a moment’s thought
Then plonk yourself onto a chair
And thank your bum for being
there

O thank you bum, O thank you bum
O bum, O bum, O bum, O bum.

‘Look at what your disgusting dog did!’ Aunt Jetty screamed as she stepped away from something she’d trod on in the Trifles’ backyard. ‘Oo! Oo! Gooey shoe! Horrible, horrible!’

‘Not again,’ Mrs Trifle sighed. ‘It seems to be happening a lot these days. I don’t know what’s got into Selby. He never used to do these things — at least not right in the middle of our yard.’

‘It isn’t what’s got into him,’ Aunt Jetty said, wiping her shoe on a clean patch of grass, ‘it’s what comes
out
of him that’s the problem. If he were my dog I’d just have him put down and that would be the end of this nonsense.’

‘I’ll have
you
put down,’ Selby mumbled from his hiding place in his favourite bush. ‘They think its my fault but its not. I only ever go to the loo in the bushland at the end of the street. Its that silly Hamish, the brain-dead sheepdog. His owners let him out and he comes in here to do his business. I’Ve scooped a few of them up and flipped them over Hamish’s fence but his owners don’t seem to even notice. Speaking of noticing, I wish the Trifles would see the hole in the back fence and fix it. I’Ve got to do something — but what?’

‘Its a good thing Willy and Billy aren’t here, they might have rolled in it,’
Aunt Jetty said. ‘That wretched disgusting dirty dog!’

‘Calm down, Jetty,’ Mrs Trifle said, scooping some of it up with a garden trowel.

‘Get a hose, sis, and clean all this grass properly,’ Aunt Jetty ordered. ‘Oh, I forgot, you can’t because the council won’t let you water the lawn till after dark. Honestly, I don’t know what this stupid town is coming to.’

‘Excuse me,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘but I happen to be the mayor of this
stupid town
. There is a very good reason why we’re not allowed to use as much water as we’d like to.’

‘And what good reason would that be?’

‘The reservoir is nearly dry. Perhaps you haven’t noticed but it hasn’t rained for ages. We have to be very careful with the little water we have left.’

‘Well that’s not my problem. Get some water trucked in. They’ve got plenty of the stuff over in Poshfield.’

‘We tried that,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘The mayor of Poshfield won’t let us have any. He says they need all of their water to keep their fountains flowing and their water-slide working and, of course, they’ve all got big swimming pools.’

‘Can’t you get a long pipe and pump some water out of a river or something?’

‘Bogusville Creek has gone dry and the next river is too far away. Any other brilliant ideas?’

‘I don’t know. You’re the mayor, do something. Make it rain, for pity’s sake!’

‘And how exactly would I do that?’

‘You obviously didn’t see that program on television last night about that marvellous Rain Lady, Clarinda McLeod. She can make it rain by doing her rain dance and beating on these tom-tom drum thingies. She says she’s made it rain in the world’s driest desert.’

‘I find that hard to believe,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘No one can make it rain if it doesn’t want to rain.’

Dr Trifle had just stepped into the backyard and was looking up at a passing cloud.

‘It
is
possible to make it rain,’ he said.

‘Really?’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘Yes, people used to do what they called
cloud seeding
from aeroplanes.’

‘Cloud seeding?’ Mrs Trifle said.‘That sounds like they’re trying to
grow
clouds from seeds or something.’

‘No, they’d fly into a cloud and drop chemicals to start the cloud raining.’

‘Could we do that?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

‘Yes, but the chemicals are very expensive and so is flying an aeroplane. I’ve been thinking that there must be a way to start clouds raining from down here without using expensive
chemicals. Plenty of clouds come by but they usually don’t drop their rain till they get to the Poshfield Hills. Hills help make it rain. Don’t ask me why.’

‘Then maybe we should build some hills,’ Aunt Jetty said.‘But wouldn’t it be easier to just get this Clarinda McLeod woman? A bit of a dance and a few taps on the old tom-toms and it’ll be raining cats and dogs in no time.’

‘A bucket,’ Dr Trifle mumbled. ‘I think that’s the answer. I’ve got a few empty ones in the garage.’

‘A bucket is the answer?’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘Yessssssss!’ thought Selby. ‘A bucket may be the answer to my Hamish problems too!’

‘Yes indeedy-doo,’ Dr Trifle said.‘A bucket of water. Let me explain something — a cloud is made of water. Of course the water is in tiny tiny bits like steam. Sometimes, they come together and make big drops. Big drops make other big drops and then they start to fall and you’ve got rain.’

‘I’m not sure I follow you,’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘All I need to do is to get a bucket of water — maybe a few buckets of water — up into a cloud
and fool the cloud into raining on Bogusville instead of waiting till it gets to Poshfield.’

‘You’re going to fool a cloud?’ Mrs Trifle asked.

‘With my Cloud Blaster,’ Dr Trifle said.

‘Your what?’

‘My Cloud Blaster. I’ll make a cannon that shoots buckets of water up into a cloud and then it’ll start bucketing down, so to speak.’

‘Meanwhile I’ll find this McLeod woman,’ Aunt Jetty said.‘She’ll have it raining before you can build your silly water thing.’

‘And it’s payback time for Hamish, the-doo-doo-dropping sheepdog,’ Selby said to himself. ‘Or should I call it
poo-back
,’ he added with a giggle. ‘I’m going to teach Hamish and his owners a lesson they’ll never forget.’

For the next few days, Selby watched as Dr Trifle built his Cloud Blaster. First the doctor took a big wide piece of steel pipe and sealed one end. Then he sawed and hammered lots of pieces of wood together to make a stand for it. It looked just like an old ship’s cannon but it could point straight up at the sky.

Meanwhile, Selby was on the lookout for Hamish. Every time the sheepdog came into the yard and left something behind, Selby scooped it up and put it in a bucket he’d taken from the garage. Then he hid the bucket in the bushes.

‘It’s going to take forever to fill it,’ Selby thought.‘I think I’ll have to help it along.’

Soon Selby found himself scooping up dog — and even
cat
— droppings all over the neighbourhood till the bucket was nearly full.

‘I’m almost there,’ Selby thought, as he saw a strange woman arriving with Aunt Jetty. ‘One more day and over Hamish’s fence it goes —
hello monster poo pile
! Who is this woman?’

‘Clarinda McLeod, Rain Lady,’ the woman announced as Mrs Trifle opened the door.‘Your sister here says that you want me to make it rain. How much is the Council willing to pay me?’

‘I-I — what?’ Mrs Trifle said, turning to her sister.‘What’s the meaning of this, Jetty?’

‘Well you don’t expect her to work for free, do you?’Aunt Jetty said.‘Give her some money, sister, so she can make it rain and fill up the reservoir.’

‘But we haven’t got any money for rain-making,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Besides, my husband is going to try out his rain-making gun.’

‘Rain-making gun?!’ the rain-maker laughed.‘That’s a good one. I’ll tell you what — I’m going to go right out there in front of your house and show you that I can make it rain. The first time is free. After that, you pay me, okay? Come along, Jetty.’

Mrs Trifle watched as Clarinda McLeod and Aunt Jetty unpacked their things from Jetty’s car to get ready for the rain dance.

‘What’s happening?’ Dr Trifle asked as he stepped into the lounge room.

‘Have a look. It’s the Rain Lady and Jetty. They say they’re going to make it rain.’

‘Well I’m about to beat them to it,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘I’ve just finished making the firing thingy in my Cloud Blaster and there’s a nice juicy cloud just going overhead. All I have to do now is fill the Blaster with water and
kaboom
!’

‘You’d better hurry unless you want the Rain Lady to get all the credit for the rain.’

Dr Trifle dashed into the backyard and scooped three buckets of water out of the
swimming pool. He then started pouring them into his Cloud Blaster.

‘Hurry hurry hurry,’ Mrs Trifle said.

‘This is sooooo exciting,’ Selby squealed in his brain. ‘I hope this Cloud Blaster works! Oh, come on, Dr T!’

Dr Trifle tipped the last bucket of water into the cannon. Then he noticed Selby’s bucket, half hidden, in the bushes.

‘Hmmm, what’s that doing there? I must have missed one,’ he said, quickly tipping it in too. ‘Goodness, something smells terrible. Oh, well.’

‘Oh, no!’ Selby thought. ‘My poo pile! He’s poured all my hard-earned poo into the Cloud Blaster! I’m getting out of here! I guess I’ll have to deal with Hamish some other time.’

Selby ran for the house as Dr Trifle quickly took aim with the Cloud Blaster, pointing it directly overhead and then tilting it towards the front of the house as the cloud moved slowly by.

‘Stand back!’ Dr Trifle yelled, pulling the string on the cannon.

Kaboom!
came the blast of the cannon and a
huge column of brownish liquid shot up into the cloud.

‘Quickly! Into the house!’ Dr Trifle yelled. ‘We can watch the action from the front window.’

Outside on the nature strip, Aunt Jetty and the Rain Lady were just getting ready to dance when they suddenly looked up just in time to see the dark spray of water coming towards them.

‘I hate to say it but I think that rain-gun may have worked,’ the Rain Lady said. ‘Look what’s coming.’

‘I’m afraid you’re right,’ Aunt Jetty said. ‘But there must have been some rust in the gun because the water’s all brown.’

‘Why so it is,’ the Rain Lady said.

Aunt Jetty and the Rain Lady were still looking up with mouths wide open when the foul-smelling liquid hit them.

‘Oh, yuck!’ Aunt Jetty cried, wiping it out of her eyes.

‘I can’t believe this!’ the Rain Lady screamed, looking down at the brown stain that covered her clothes.‘Let’s get out of here!’

‘Why are they yelling?’ Mrs Trifle said, watching the women running wildly down the street. ‘Goodness, they’re covered in mud. They’re screaming their lungs out.’

Seconds later, a raindrop fell and then another.

‘They’re just sore losers, that’s all,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Because
I’m
the one who made it rain — not them. Hmmmm, what an awful smell.’

Selby watched as the sprinkle of rain turned into a downpour.

‘You’re very good, you know,’ Mrs Trifle said, kissing her husband.‘I think our water problems are over — at least for now. Look, it’s raining cats and dogs out there.’

Selby turned his head so they wouldn’t see him giggling.

‘It certainly is raining cats and dogs,’ he thought. ‘But raining cats’
what
and dogs’
what
I’d rather not say!’