Sellout (8 page)

“No thanks, guys, it’s been a long day,” I told them.

“Maybe next time,” Khalik said.

“Yeah, maybe,” I said. I thought about my smart plan to hang with them for the rest of my stay. I couldn’t spend two weeks on the stoop. There wasn’t even a place for me to sit. My cell rang. I waved to Khalik and Rex and picked up the call.

“Hey, Heather,” I said. “How’s the party planning going?”

“Oh, well, I could use your help coming up with ideas,” she said nonchalantly, like working closely with Matt Billings was just as normal as eating lunch every day. “Got any?”

“Actually,” I told her, “I can’t help you. I’m planning my own party here. Amir may help me out, too.”

“Who’s Amir?” she asked. “I thought you liked some guy named Khalik.”

“Oh, I didn’t tell you about Amir?” I asked. “He’s just this other guy who lives here.”

“I knew you’d forget about me,” Heather said in her whiny voice. “You’ve met
two
boys and you didn’t even tell me. And you’re throwing a party without me? You should come home, I miss you. I could even talk to Marcia if you want me to.”

I hadn’t even thought about ballet in what felt like forever. I certainly hadn’t missed it.

“No, thanks,” I told her. “Actually, I’ve decided to stay here a little longer than a week. You know, now that I have the party to plan and everything.”

“What? I knew it!” Heather squealed. “You’re changing. You haven’t even been gone that long and I don’t even know you anymore. Tash, you swore you wouldn’t forget about me. And now you’re staying longer, I bet there’s more you’re not even telling me, right?”

I started telling her about the girls, Amir, and even Rex. I almost told her about my secret. I didn’t intend to hide things from Heather. But she wouldn’t understand even if I tried to explain.

“Heather, are you still there?” I asked, thinking the line went dead.

“I’m here. I just didn’t know you were miserable there,” she said. “Amber’s Place sounds so horrible. Why would Tilly put you through all that torture? Why would she bring you around people like that?”

“I don’t know,” I told her. “It’s scary here, but not so bad. It’s not like I have to live here forever or anything.”

“If it’s so scary, why don’t you just come home now?” she asked, a little more forcefully this time. “Just call your mom and tell her to come and get you. We could go back to our normal lives. We could go shopping. We could both go to Matt’s party together.”

“It isn’t that simple,” I said, although there was nowhere else I’d rather be than in Matt’s living room dancing to Coldplay and sneaking Coors Lights from his parents’ bar.

“Of course it is,” she said. “I could help you. We could call her on three-way right now. You could be home by the end of the week.”

“My parents and Tilly are expecting me to stick this out,” I reminded her. “Remember, my
new experiences?”
I had to admit, though, the thought of going back home was tempting.

“But they have you spending your day in a jail with girls who are nothing like you,” she complained. “Why is that a new experience you need? I don’t get it, Tash.”

I thought about Shaunda and Susan.

“It isn’t jail, Heather,” I told her, “but I know what you
mean. I’ll be home soon, you’ll see, and everything will go back to normal.”

“Yeah, we’ll see,” she said. “Well, I have to go. Stephanie and I are going to find party outfits later. I wish you were here, too.”

That hurt. I went away for less than a week and my best friend had already replaced me with the girl who hated me the most. All of a sudden, home wasn’t looking too great now, either. What did Heather expect…all three of us to hold hands skipping down the street when I got back?

“I hope you guys have fun,” I told her, lying through my teeth.

“It isn’t the same without you, Tash,” she said.

“Clearly.”

I THOUGHT ABOUT leaving Harlem all night long. Heather had been right. I could be home in Adams Park in a matter of hours with one phone call. I put my cell out of reach, but I eyed Tilly’s gold rotary phone. It was the shape of an elephant. I touched one of the tusks and debated whether or not to make the call.

Tilly would get over it and Amber’s Place would go back to business as usual with or without me. Red could find someone else to plan their recognition ceremony. I didn’t have problems like those girls and I certainly couldn’t help them. So what if I hated what I looked like, a lot of girls did. Who cared what those losers thought about me anyway?

But even if I did go back now, Heather had moved on without me. She was talking to Matt on the phone and taking trips to the mall with Stephanie. The thought of shopping with Stephanie was worse than dealing with the girls at Amber’s Place.

I let go of the phone and slipped Tilly’s pearls onto my wrist. One more day wouldn’t kill me. If I made it through
without incident, then maybe I’d stay. I could at least do one more day.

But what if I couldn’t? I needed to tell Red to find someone else just in case. My heart wasn’t in it and that wouldn’t be right.

In the morning, I headed to her office first thing to let her know to look for someone else.

There was a handwritten note taped to her office door with my name on it that said,

NaTasha, come on in when you get here so we can discuss more about our recognition ceremony. You’ve made me so happy that you are going to help Amber’s Place with such a special day. We really appreciate your support!

So I pushed the door open to Red’s office and slammed into something.

“Hey, what the hell are you doing?” Monique hissed at me.

She fell back a little, but couldn’t steady the books in her arms. They scattered around us on the carpet. She looked first at the mess and then at me.

“Of course it’s you,” she said. “You just can’t get it right, can you?”

“Look, Monique, I’m really sorry, I was just coming to talk to Red,” I said.

“Do I look like her?” she asked me with more than a little sarcasm. If I squinted, maybe they could be distant cousins.

“I actually didn’t know you were here,” I said, bending down to help her with the books. She kicked them out of my way before I could reach them. “What are you doing in here anyway? Did you get a note from Red, too?”

“Forget it, bitch,” she said. “Red ain’t here.”

She pulled a thick manila folder from Red’s desk and put it on top of her pile of books. I looked away quickly when she caught me watching her.

“I’m really sorry, Monique, I didn’t mean to hit you with the door,” I told her. I held the door open for her to pass by me.

She brushed my shoulder hard on the way out. “You better stay out of my way if you know what’s good for you.”

Quiana and Rochelle walked up just as she was leaving. Perfect timing.

“Stealing from boss lady already, Sellout?” Quiana asked.

I waited for Monique to give some sort of explanation. She stood quietly and all three of the girls looked at me.

“What are you talking about?” I asked her, feeling all of a sudden like maybe I shouldn’t have been in Red’s office while she wasn’t there. I felt my face getting hot. “No…I was just…no…I wanted to talk to Red.”

The girls laughed hysterically like I was a stand-up comedian telling them a joke.

“Looks like we finally found out why you’re really here,” Quiana kept on. “You pretend you’re better than us black
girls, pretend you’re an innocent white girl from the suburbs, when really you’re just a low-life thief.”

She slapped five with Rochelle but she may as well have slapped me instead.

“I don’t know, Quiana, do you think we should tell Red about this?” Rochelle asked sweetly. “She ain’t going be too happy at all about this little wannabe white girl breaking into her office and snooping around with Monique. I think we should tell her, what about you?”

This was bad. Red probably expected this from Monique, but Tilly would have a heart attack if I got mixed up in something, even if she believed me. Red didn’t know me from Alice Junkie on the street. Quiana and Rochelle started walking down the hallway. Monique and I were left to clean up the mess.

“I don’t steal,” I said, closing the office door.

Monique glared at me and stood directly in front of me, almost close enough for our noses to touch. Every time I moved back, Monique stepped closer until I was pressed up against the door. Claustrophobia didn’t describe the lack of air I was getting at that moment.

“It was an accident,” I whispered, trying to convince her everything was fine. If Red had met me here, I wouldn’t be in this mess. Wherever she was, she had no idea I was about to get pummeled outside her office. “Please, let’s just drop this and go to group.”

“So, what were you doing in here anyway?” she hissed. “You come barging in first thing, with your ugly pressed hair and
swinging the hips you wish you had and talking all proper and shit. You think you’re all that. But you ain’t all that. You’re a sellout. I’m getting sick of seeing your ugly face. Why don’t you just go back to where you came from, because we don’t want you around here no more.”

What had I done in my lifetime to do deserve this? Quiana and Rochelle had slowed down and turned to listen to Monique berate me.

“You,” she said, coming even closer to me, “have been trying to pick a fight with me since you got here. So let’s go ahead and do this.”

Quiana and Rochelle had walked back toward us and now stood facing me like a firing squad. Quiana folded her arms across her chest.

“I wasn’t picking any fights,” I said.

Monique shoved me hard, and my purse fell from my shoulder. The lack of space between us made my whole body hot.

I continued, “Like I already told you, I was just trying to talk to Red about the recognition ceremony, that’s it. I don’t care why you were in the office and I won’t tell Red anything, I promise.”

“Hey, Monique,” Rochelle said, “the white girl thinks you’re a dummy
and
a thief.” She turned to me. “You think Monique didn’t hear you the first time? You think you can take us,
Sellout?”

Clearly there was some miscommunication going on.

“What?” I asked. I’d never been in a fistfight in my life. I certainly didn’t want to fight these girls. “Look, I don’t know
what you’re talking about. I won’t say anything about you being in there and she doesn’t have to know any of this ever happened.”

“Oh, isn’t that sweet, Monique,” Quiana said, smirking. “The sellout is trying to save your ass again. What would you ever do without her?”

Rochelle laughed and shoved her friend playfully, which only made Monique more upset. Quiana shoved Monique then, too, who slammed her hand into my chest. I fell back into Red’s office door and tried to catch my breath.

I swallowed the acid taste in my throat and, so as not to further embarrass myself, pushed Monique back off of me. But Monique was too fast and caught my arm.

“Look at these, girls,” she said, holding up my wrist with Tilly’s pearls hanging there like a prize. “I bet these are real special to our little princess, huh?”

Tilly was going to kill me. I grabbed Monique’s arm to get her off of the bracelet. She yanked me sideways and pulled the bracelet right off. The pearls spilled onto the floor like raindrops. They rolled and bounced in every direction. I dropped to my knees and tried to gather them before they scattered too far, but the girls were faster and had a good time kicking them out of my way.

“Look, girls. Now the sellout needs
our
help,” Monique said. “Should we help out?”

They hated me. My hair, my skin, my body, my voice, they hated everything I hated about myself. I was just like them after all, because I hated me, too.

The laughs engulfed me like flames. I picked up every pearl that I could find through my haze of snot and tears.

Quiana had a smile on her face I’d never forget, a wide one that sparkled like she had just gotten away with murder.

I turned and started to walk away.

“Monique, this girl still thinks she’s better than you,” Quiana told her friend. “She’s walking away and doesn’t even think she needs to apologize. What are you gonna do about it?”

I turned around. Monique was furious. I pleaded with her with my eyes to let this go and allow me to help her make it right.

“Who the hell are you anyway? It’s obvious you don’t belong nowhere around here,” Monique said. I paused to think about a right response to her challenge. “Hello?”

I opened my mouth to answer, but my throat was dry and my voice cracked terribly. I cleared my throat and tried again.

“I can’t help who I am,” I said quietly.

“You hear that, Mo?” Quiana asked. “Now she wants us to feel sorry for her.”

It was true, even I sounded pathetic to me. I waited until they all stopped laughing and tried again. “And I didn’t choose to come here.”

“Yeah, well, NaTasha, we’re
so
glad you did. I can tell we’re all going to be great friends,” Quiana said, rolling her eyes toward Monique.

“Fine,” I said, surprising myself. As soon as I said it, I
wished I hadn’t. The summer was too long to face these girls as my enemies.

“Hah, you a tough girl now, NaTasha?” Quiana asked. “Monique, I think she thinks she can beat you. What do you say about that?”

Monique didn’t say anything.

She grabbed my hair. I swung my body to get her off me, but she was too strong. Soon, I could feel her nails against my cheek and then a pain shooting down my back. I pushed her hard. Tilly’s pearls exploded from my grip again. The girls stood laughing at me before rushing off down the hallway toward the main meeting room, leaving me on my knees.

There was no way I was sitting with any of these girls for group time. They could share without me and laugh about me the whole time if they wanted to. I picked up as many pearls as I could find and ducked into the bathroom.

I set the beads in a paper towel. I patted my cheeks, which were still blazing hot. The fresh inch-long scratch on my left cheek from Monique’s fingernails burned. Maybe now Tilly and Red would think twice about recruiting me to be the one trying to help these girls. Looks like I needed just as much help as they did, if not more.

I pulled out my makeup from my purse to see if I could somehow cover up the scratch before I got on the train. I didn’t need to walk around broadcasting the fact that I’d just been beat up.

The blush powder burned as soon as it touched my skin but I spread it anyway. I covered every inch, from the dark
circles under my eyes to the tips of my ears. The girl staring back at me in the mirror made me sad, and a little sick to my stomach. My hair was frizzy and looked windblown, as if I’d just walked inside from a storm. I smoothed it down as best I could.

When I was all done up, I counted the number of remaining beads. More than half of them were missing. My hands shook wildly but I carefully tucked the remaining pearls into my handbag.

I wrote Tilly a note on a paper towel and slipped it under Red’s door before heading for the exit. I stayed clear of the main room.

The train was packed. Didn’t anyone in this city vacation? No matter where I turned, millions of people crawled around like ants, busy little workers finding food and supplies to return to their anthills. And I was the only one who noticed. Old men pushed past women like they didn’t even exist. Kids my age took seats and let elderly people with canes stand above them on the trains and didn’t think anything of it. Street vendors yelled obscenities loudly like they were the same as morning prayers, and no one blinked an eye. There was only one person who would understand all of this.

“Heather, call me when you get this,” I said, leaving a message on her cell. “I had a terrible day and I really need to talk to you.”

Heather never turned her phone off. I pictured her sitting at Matt’s place talking themes for his party, which made me more upset. I hoped she’d get back to me soon. When I got to
Tilly’s neighborhood, I headed right for her front stoop. Rex and Khalik were there playing cards. I sat down next to Khalik. He nodded while he passed out his playing cards but didn’t speak. Rex picked up each card Khalik handed him and examined them closely.

“Man, why don’t you wait until you got them all?” Khalik asked.

“Nah, I got to make sure you ain’t trying to cheat me,” Rex said, winking at me.

“Have I ever cheated you before, old man?” Khalik asked, still flinging the cards between them. Rex scooped up each one.

“That don’t mean jack and you know it,” Rex told him.

When the cards were all in place, Khalik turned to me, looked me up and down, and shook his head.

“Damn, you look a mess. What happened to you?” he asked me.

I shook my head and looked down into my lap. They didn’t need to know what went down at Amber’s Place. They wouldn’t be able to do anything about it anyway, so what was the point? Khalik turned back to the game when he figured out that I wasn’t talking.

I watched them throw the cards down and argue back and forth for a while. Every so often one of them would steal a glance at me, but they let me just sit and watch. The more I tried not to think about the fight, the more upset I got. I had held it inside for as long as I could, but eventually a tear escaped, falling down my cheek.

“You know what I think?” Rex asked to no one in particular. No one answered him, but he kept talking anyway. “The human race is going down the toilet. We have no leadership, no sense of community anymore, and people are just afraid. They are afraid to reach out to one another. Rather than helping one another, we’re hurting one another because of what we don’t know and what we don’t understand.”

“Hmm…I hear that,” Khalik said, throwing a king onto a teetering pile of cards.

I wiped the tear from my cheek, but another fell in its place. Khalik handed me a tissue from his pocket but stayed focused on the game. He paused and looked like he wanted to say something, but he let me be. I was glad.