Septimity and The Blood Brotherhood: The Third Hilarious Glothic Tale (The Glothic Tales Book 3) (12 page)

‘Well, apart from being very unhappy about being taken from Gloth, they’re behaving quite well. I’ll maintain two guards within the Luxury Class cabin though.’

‘And the Erdeans from Lacertilian?’

‘Oh they are having a wonderful time sir. No trouble at all. They all seem quite excited about the prospect of going home.’

‘Well, they might not be so excited when we get there, but at least they shouldn’t give us any concern until then. Perhaps once the lady and her son settle down you might try accommodating them with the Erdeans.’

‘Yes, good idea sir. But I am concerned that we may have more agitation the longer we stay here.’

‘Oh, I’m sure of that. But hopefully we’ll receive our orders soon and can get on with taking our passengers to where ever it is that they are going.’

‘Any ideas sir?’

‘I’m sorry. I wish I knew. We’ll just have to manage the best we can until I receive more concrete information. So, just do the best you can to keep our passengers as comfortable as possible. Perhaps you could have a chat with the head of catering and see if they can make the meals a bit heavier. Might slow our passengers down a bit.’

‘Not a bad idea sir. I’ll do that.’

‘Very well, keep me informed.’

‘Yes sir.’

After the leader of the guard had left, Smikkle left his second-in-command, Flight Leader Flipply Dripple in control of the Cosmic Cruiser as he headed off to stretch his legs, but mainly to find Sep. Finally finding him in ship’s library.

‘Taking an exam Sep?’

‘Oh hello Stik. No, I was just doing some research on possible homes for our friends aboard.’

‘Not easy.’

‘No. I must admit I’m quite worried. I really don’t know what to do.’

‘So whose decision is it?’

‘Um, well, I’m not really sure now you ask. The Blood Brotherhood charter is not very clear on this point and well, I had hoped to get some advice from September, but well….’

‘Yes. I understand Sep. It was sudden I know.’

‘Oh, September was happy. It was his wish to die on Gloth after all these years.’

‘But it doesn’t help with your dilemma.’

‘No. It doesn’t.’

‘May I make a suggestion?’

‘Oh please, of course.’

‘Perhaps wise counsel is needed. From someone who has a good understanding of the situation and the options available.’

‘Oh yes. But who? I’ve tried my brothers but they had no real solution.’

‘Septimity?’

‘Yes?’

‘If you don’t mind me saying so, I don’t believe you should be trying to solve this yourself. It’s a problem for Gloth isn’t it?’

‘Well, yes I suppose. But I feel personally responsible for the Erdeans from Lacertilian. I had them brought here.’

‘Perhaps. But not the Gregorians and their associates.’

‘Well, they were always going to be part of Ichor.’

‘Yes. And what was the other important part of Ichor?’

‘A pure Glothian as Supreme Poten…….’ Sep said and realised what Smikkle was leading him towards. ‘You mean I should ask the Supreme Potentate?’

‘It’s up to you Sep,’ Smikkle said as he realised how disorganised this Blood Brotherhood had been and how miraculous it was that they had managed to pull off their dream of Ichor. He had also learned by now that although Septimity was a pleasant old man, he wasn’t the brightest candle on the birthday cake and needed a little help from time to time.

‘Oh, I hadn’t really thought about that,’ Sep said and felt the onset of a dizzy spell. Smikkle noticed Sep’s discomfort.

‘Are you ok?’

‘Oh, it’s nothing Stik,’ Sep replied realising that his body was reaching the stage when he usually cloned himself. And that his cloning apparatus was still on Titania.

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes, I’m fine,’ Sep said as the dizzy spell passed. ‘I think you’re right. I’ll go back down to Gloth and see if I can meet with the new Supreme Potentate. He’s a very nice fellow.’

‘That’s a good idea. I’ll arrange a shuttle for you.’

‘Thank you. That’s very kind of you. Um, could I ask a very big favour from you?’

‘Sure Septimity. What is it?’

‘Would you be able to accompany me to Gloth and to this meeting with the Supreme Potentate?’

‘Oh I’m not sure the Supreme Potentate would want to meet with a Lacertilian pilot. Especially one who stole one of his Cosmic Cruisers.’

‘On the contrary. I’m sure he would be very interested in meeting you. And he’s a very nice man.’

‘Well, Sep, if you really want me to,’ Smikkle said but now thinking that Septimity was feeling unwell and unsure of himself and was looking to him for support.

‘Oh yes. Thank you Stik.’

‘Right Sep. Just let me know.’

‘Thank you. I’ll try to contact the Supreme Potentate to arrange a meeting.’

*****

‘Very nice to meet you Lieutenant Commander Smikkle,’ Huphnic said and shook Smikkle’s hand after Sep had finished his introductions. ‘I believe the Blood Brotherhood owes their immense gratitude to you for your heroic deeds aboard your Glothic Cosmic Cruiser.’

‘Oh sir, I believe your intervention was more telling than anything else. GCCs are very easy to fly, so long as no one is shooting.’

‘Ah yes! Well, all’s well that ends well. So to what do I owe your visit?’ Huphnic said clearly getting down to business and Sep sensed that Huphnic had settled in nicely as a busy Supreme Potentate.

‘Well, it’s only a small matter,’ Sep said rubbing his left ear, which was normally a sign that he was stretching the truth just a little. ‘It’s concerning our Erdean and Gregorian friends aboard the Cosmic Cruiser.’

‘I see,’ Huphnic said. ‘They’re all comfortably accommodated I believe.’

‘Oh yes sir. Splendidly in fact,’ Sep replied. ‘It’s just that we’ve received some troubling information regarding Erde.’

‘Yes?’

‘Well it seems to have rather inconveniently destroyed itself.’

‘What, blown up?’ Huphnic asked.

‘Our information is that all of the ancient nuclear arsenals left abandoned after the last Erdean War started firing at each other automatically and have destroyed not only the surface, but also the entire atmosphere of the planet,’ Smikkle added trying to help Sep along with his explanation.

‘Yes, and I was thinking that it would be a little cruel to just drop all the Gregorians and Erdeans back onto a poisoned planet,’ Sep said.

‘Let me just check on this,’ Huphnic said and called someone on his Q’muniktor. Sep and Smikkle waited as Huphnic asked about the current situation on Erde and then responded with a few grunts, punctuating his understanding of what he was being told. He clicked his Q’muniktor off. ‘Alright then. Erde will be uninhabitable for at least seven billion years and there’s a distinct likelihood that it could burn up entirely and end up as sun fodder. So, hardly a place to drop our dear ex-Royal Family. No matter our dislike for them, I think we should find a better solution. Any ideas?’

‘Well I’ve been looking at some possibilities and even thought there are some small hurdles to be overcome there might…..’

‘Where Septimity?’ Huphnic asked, now seemingly getting used to Sep’s habit of waffling and needing polite interruption to keep a conversation moving.

‘Earth.’

‘Never heard of it.’

‘Nor had I sir,’ Smikkle interjected. ‘It’s in Sun System Twenty-Four.’

‘That’s an awfully long way away,’ Huphnic said. ‘How did you find out about this?’

‘Well I was having eggs for breakfast,’ Sep started and Huphnic and Smikkle waited patiently as Sep told his story about Quadkwak eggs, Fflemm and the Royal Gloth Museum of Unnatural History and about the closest habited planet being in Sun System Thirteen.

‘It sounds promising,’ Huphnic said after Sep had finally finished. ‘What are your thoughts Lieutenant Commander Smikkle?’

‘It’s a very long flight sir. It would more than likely pass through a few CTCs, so it would need careful planning and expert navigation.’

‘Yes, closed timelike curves are very nasty things, and I’ve lost a few good pilots over the years in them. Have you had experience with them Lieutenant Commander?’

‘Twice sir. Luckily I’m here to tell you so.’

‘Good point,’ Huphnic said with a smile. ‘But not in a Cosmic Cruiser.’

‘No sir.’

‘But they can go anywhere, can’t they?’ Sep asked hoping it was true.

‘Almost Sep. But no craft is immune from CTCs and especially large ships, which are much harder to navigate in such dangerous places. These CTCs can swallow anything,’ Huphnic warned. ‘Look. I think the best idea would be for me to get some advice from some of my senior officers at Glothic High Command. I know two in particular that are experts in the area of CTCs and if it’s possible to transport our Erdean friends there, they would know. Now Lieutenant Commander, if it were possible, would you be considering commanding the flight?’

‘Such a flight would need an experienced commander sir. Of course I would be perfectly willing to serve sir….’

‘But you wouldn’t say no to a little help then?

‘Certainly not sir.’

‘Very well. Let me check on the viability of this mission first but if it was to proceed, I think one of my senior Glothic High Command officers would need to be aboard.’

‘To command the mission,’ Sep said.

‘Oh no!’ Huphnic said. ‘I’m fully aware of the reputation Lacertilian pilots have and as you both know, they will be asked, if they wish, to reassume their duties as pilots to the Palace and the Supreme Potentate. So that being said Lieutenant Commander, if you agree, you’ll be in command of this mission as Flight Commander Smikkle, and the first pilot to fly under the command of the Supreme Potentate of Gloth.’

‘It would be my honour sir.’

‘Very well. So do you need anything aboard your Glothic Cruiser?’

‘No sir, we’re well supplied at present and the passengers are quite comfortable.’

‘Except for April and January,’ Sep added.

‘Oh it’s no problem really,’ Smikkle said. ‘I have them isolated at present to keep the peace so to say.’

‘Wise move Commander. Alright gentlemen, I’ll be in touch as soon as I can,’ Huphnic said bringing the meeting to a close.

‘So, are you enjoying your new job then?’ Sep asked, oblivious to Huphnic’s hint that the meeting was over.

‘Well, it’s been very busy I must say Septimity but Mr. Krizzle and all of my staff have been very helpful. Luckily I only have one year in the job, so then I can take a long holiday.’

‘Oh you should meet Fflemm. I’m sure he’d know of some great planets for long relaxing holidays.’

‘Perhaps so.’

‘Well, we’d better get going Sep,’ Smikkle said sensing that Sep could continue chatting all day and that the Supreme Potentate really had better things to do.

‘Yes, I must get off to my next meeting,’ Huphnic said, thankful for Smikkle’s good sense.

‘Yes, busy days,’ Sep said as he shook Huphnic’s hand. ‘Thank you for all your help sir.’

The Solar System is a peculiar little sun system as it is inconveniently located in the absolute middle of nowhere on the far outer left hand extreme edge of the universe. As it is a well known fact that the universe is infinite in size, this gives a good indication of how very far left, how extreme and how inconvenient. While almost all of the known universe has been mapped, navigated, mined, exploited, invaded and have nice hotels and space ports, The Solar System has been ignored and forgotten by everyone, forever. It was just too far away to worry about, and worse, it only had one planet that possibly produced edible protein, so hence no nice hotels nor space ports.

The entire Glothic archive records pertaining to The Solar System are contained in a small manila folder with only one single entry made over billions of years. The entry says, ‘Don’t bother.’

‘Welcome aboard GCC 67-213 sir,’ Smikkle said as Fleet Commander Hiyakk Haavlii stepped from his shuttle.

‘Thank you Flight Commander Smikkle. The Supreme Potentate sends his best wishes.’

‘Thank you sir. I must admit I’m very pleased he has asked you to join us on this flight as he has told me you have a lot of experience navigating CTCs.’

‘Yes, nasty little things they are too. Spent six months lost inside one once.’

‘Six months? Goodness, that must have been terrifying sir.’

‘Well, being inside one isn’t so bad. Everything happily wanders around randomly avoiding everything else so nothing ever collides. It’s perfectly safe. It’s the getting out that’s the scary part.’

‘Yes, I know what you mean.’

‘Yes, I was told you’ve had some experience. So you’d know that while you’re inside one you just wander around aimlessly like everything else that’s been sucked inside. You know, hundreds of asteroids, moons, comets, black holes and even a few unfortunate planets. But when you decide to stop wandering and start aiming, the problems begin.’

‘Like crossing a busy road.’

‘Like crossing a thousand busy roads all traveling in different directions at different speeds.’

‘If you don’t mind me asking sir, I’ve had a couple of brief episodes in them, but how did you get out after being stuck in one for six months? Smikkle asked.

‘Oh it was easy in the end. You just need to aim your ship in the wrong direction.’ Haavlii smiled.

‘Oh sir, may I introduce you to Septimity Fish-Roe?’ Smikkle said as Sep arrived and deprived Smikkle of asking Haavlii more about his wrong direction solution. ‘Sep, this is Fleet Commander Hiyakk Haavlii from Glothic High Command. He’ll be joining us on our flight to Earth.’

‘Very nice to meet you Fleet Commander,’ Sep said as he offered his hand.

‘And you too Mr. Fish-Roe. The Supreme Potentate has told me a lot about yourself and your grandfather. We on Gloth have much to thank you for.’

‘Thank you sir, but it was my grandfather who did all the hard work over the years, and he died a very happy man on the day of Ichor.’

‘It was a long wait for him I know, as it was for us all. But now at last Gloth can return to being truly Glothic.’

‘Yes Fleet Commander. However we have one last task before we can say truly Glothic.’

‘Our Erdean passengers,’ Smikkle added.

‘Well, we’d best get on with this last task then gentlemen,’ Haavlii said.

‘I’ll show you to your quarters then sir,’ Smikkle said showing the way with his hand.

‘I’ll let you two get on with things then. I have a bit of reading I need to do,’ Sep said as they left. He lied about having something to read because he suddenly felt a little unwell and really needed a lie down.

*****

Glothic Cosmic Cruisers are famous for being the quietest and smoothest spacecraft in the entire Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth. So quiet and so smooth in fact that no one aboard GCC 67-213, other than those on the flight deck, noticed that it had left Gloth orbit and was hurtling at a frightening speed towards the first nasty CTC on their way to the Twenty-Fourth Sun System – or The Solar System as it was called by the locals. Only during the second day after their departure did Flight Commander Stikkly Smikkle advise the squad leaders of the Lacertilian Guards. On his way back from his meeting with them he called by Sep’s quarters. It took some time for Sep to open his door.

‘You don’t look well Sep. What’s the matter?’

‘Oh I’m alright Stik. Please come in.’

‘You look a bit pale,’ Smikkle said as he entered and Sep closed the door.

‘I was just going to make a cup of Weecha. Would you like a cup?’

‘Only if it’s no trouble,’ Smikkle said only by way of being polite. He knew how vile Weecha tasted, due to it being made from the bitter outer membrane of the bile sac of a Krushminutz; a nasty nocturnal creature, similar in features to a possum, but with long flesh tearing fangs. He also knew many believed that Weecha had properties similar to the fabled ‘fountain of youth’.

‘No trouble at all,’ Sep said, but Smikkle could see it clearly was as Sep struggled to keep his balance. Smikkle waited silently for a while as Sep tried to prepare the Weecha, but when he offered to help Sep didn’t argue.

‘I think I’ll just sit down for a minute,’ he said as Smikkle poured the two cups. Just at that moment Stik felt a vibration under his feet that no one else would’ve noticed aboard the Cosmic Cruiser, apart from those who knew the flight plan. Fleet Commander Hiyakk Haavlii had just flown the ship into the first CTC. He brought the cups to the small table, set them down and sat opposite Sep. They both blew across their cups and sipped in silence.

‘C’mon Sep. What’s the matter?’

‘Nothing at all,’ Sep lied.

‘Well I might get the ship’s doctor to confirm that, shall I?’

‘No need, no need Stik. I’m just a bit tired, that’s all.’

‘You look a bit more than tired to me Sep. I noticed you looked quite ill when you met Fleet Commander Hiyakk Haavlii. You know it’s a big change from living underground on Titania Sep. Changes in atmosphere, gravity and food plus everything that’s happened since you arrived on Gloth. And you’re not getting any younger,’ Stik smiled.

Sep took a sip of his Weecha and another before replying. ‘It’s the cloning.’

‘Cloning?’

‘It’s a long story Stik, but my brothers and myself are clones of September. He assembled this contraption in his kitchen on Terranova Two and went about making seven clones of himself, then shipped us all off around the Twelve Sun Systems. That’s how we kept the Blood Brotherhood going for so long.’

‘So was September a clone too?’

‘No. Apparently everyone lives for just about forever on Terranova Two, so he didn’t have to. But that’s why he went so quickly when he finally made it back to Gloth.’

‘So his body clock caught up with him so to say?’

‘Yes. Once he left Terranova Two, his longevity protection was over and his body returned to obeying Gloth time, which for him meant his death was well and truly overdue. By a few million years probably,’ Sep half laughed.

‘I see. But what about you? Is your body going through a similar process?’

‘No not at all. I’ve just made a silly mistake.’

‘A mistake?’

‘You see Stik, my brothers and myself have lived for so long by cloning ourselves over and over. September was clever in this regard as he also cloned the cloning machine contraption he built, so we all have a clone of it to use when we start to feel a bit poorly. The mistake I made is that with all the excitement of Ichor and returning to Gloth and the Erdeans and new Supreme Potentates, I forgot that I was due for a new cloning before I left Titania with September.’

‘So what happens now?’

‘Oh it’s easy. I finally die. Probably about time anyway I suppose.’

‘You don’t want to do that, surely?’

‘Not much choice really.’

‘Um, so where’s this machine? On Titania?’

‘Yes.’

‘Well, just hold on and we can make a detour on the way back,’ Smikkle said knowing that now that they had entered the first CTC there was no way of heading in the opposite direction, which was the direction of Titania. ‘But I still think you should see the ship’s doctor.’

‘Never seen a doctor in my life. Not starting now,’ Sep snapped.

‘Alright, alright. No doctor. But do you know what happens from here?’

‘Yes, I drink lots of Weecha. Damn vile, isn’t it?’

‘So you’d better have mine too,’ Stik smiled and passed his cup to Sep.

‘Didn’t think you’d drink it,’ Sep smiled.

*****

‘How long do you think before we can get out?’ Smikkle asked Haavlii as they sat side by side on the flight deck.

‘Shouldn’t be long. Just calculating the most logical trajectory.’

‘Then?’

‘Then Flight Commander Smikkle, we go in exactly the opposite direction.’

‘Oh yes, you were explaining this to me when you first boarded.’ Smikkle said as he looked at asteroids, comets and the occasional planet whizzing randomly in front of them.

‘Right, here we go then,’ Haavlii said as he read his screen and gave Smikkle the exit coordinates. Smikkle tapped them into his navigator and then turned his head towards Haavlii as he saw what came up on his own screen. ‘Um sir, that leads us directly on a collision course with three rather large planets.’

‘Exactly. The worst possible direction. So, are you ready?’

‘I’m ready sir, but not so sure about the convinced bit.’

‘Only one way to find out Flight Commander Smikkle.’

‘Activating course at full power sir,’ Smikkle said as his shaking finger hit the button and the view in front of the Cosmic Cruiser instantly turned into shards of streaking, flashing light as every object that was trapped in the CTC rushed past their ship. Smikkle almost ducked involuntarily as two planets went flashing by. He turned briefly to catch Haavlii calmly picking his teeth with his fingernail and flicking imaginary fluff from his uniform.

‘Shouldn’t be much longer,’ Haavlii then said in a tone that could have been mistaken for boredom.

After only a minute or two, Smikkle was amazed. Their ship passed through a blinding flash of light that only lasted less than a second, and ahead of them now was the blackness of smooth, quiet and harmless empty space.

‘Right. Now let’s find out where we are?’ Haavlii said as he pushed some buttons on his screen.

‘We’re lost then?’ Smikkle asked.

‘Never Flight Commander. We just don’t have any idea where we are. A big difference. These CTCs can pop you out anywhere,’ Haavlii laughed. ‘Oh, here we are. Well, look at that.’

‘I see,’ Smikkle said as he looked at his navigation screen in astonishment. ‘That can’t be right.’

‘Maybe Flight Commander. But CTCs have no idea about right, left or wrong.’

‘We’re leaving Sun System Twenty-Three and entering Sun System Twenty-Four according to my navigator. That’s impossible? We only left Gloth just over two days ago.’

‘Welcome to what CTCs can do commander. They do make time a bit bendy, stretchy, wobbly and totally illogical, don’t they?.’

‘I’m not sure I understand any of this sir,’ Smikkle said scratching his head.

‘Ha! Nor do I Flight Commander. But’s it’s a crafty way of taking shortcuts huh?’ Haavlii laughed.

‘That’s for sure. Now next time I’m going to take notes about how you calculate the illogical sir.’

‘Well Flight Commander, set course for Earth, and I’ll send you a copy of my illogical CTC notes. Then you can find our way back on your own!’

‘Oddly enough, I think I’m quite looking to it sir,’ Smikkle smiled as he tapped away at the coordinates for their destination. Earth. The fourth planet from the sun in Sun System Twenty-Four.

*****

Once in secure orbit around Earth it was time to begin the preparations for the resettlement of their passengers. Smikkle had checked on Septimity to see if he was up to joining the first reconnaissance shuttle, but he was clearly deteriorating and was having great trouble staying awake. It seemed to Smikkle that the two meetings he had attended with the passengers had used the last remnants of Sep’s energy. He just hoped Sep could hold on until he could get him back to Titania.

‘So, how is he?’ Hiyakk Haavlii asked when Smikkle arrived back on the flight deck.

‘Not well. He’s in no condition to join us I’m afraid.

‘A pity, being his plan and all.’

‘Well, I’ll let him know how it all goes once we get back.’

‘Yes. Now we’d better get moving and see if we can finish the job for him.’

‘Then get him back to Titania.’

‘Yes Flight Commander, I understand.’

‘So ready to take command?’ Smikkle asked his old friend and co-pilot Flight Leader Flipply Dripple.

‘Ready as always Stik,’ he said.

‘Well, best we be off,’ Haavlii said, leaving the Cosmic Cruiser under Dripple’s command and proceeding off with Smikkle to board their shuttle for Earth. Within an hour, they had landed on the surface at their chosen coordinate. It was a modestly sized island in the northern hemisphere of the planet, just to the left of a very large continental mass. To the island’s left there was another smaller island and then a very large blue ocean. Septimity had chosen the location after consultation with Fflemm. Their selection was based on a number of factors including climate, vegetation, inhabitants that didn’t run around screaming too much and the possibility of rudimentary accommodation, but the key factor was that Fflemm was convinced that there was an ever so slight possibility that bananas may be there.