Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey (30 page)

There's no way to go for a win in our own lives if we don't even know, in a deep sense, what constitutes a win -- what is, in fact, harmonious with our innermost values. And if we can't make and keep commitments to ourselves as well as to others, our commitments become meaningless. We know it; others know it. They sense duplicity and become guarded. There's no foundation of trust and win-win becomes an ineffective superficial technique. Integrity is the cornerstone in the foundation.

MATURITY. Maturity is the balance between courage and consideration. If a person can express his feelings and convictions with courage balanced with consideration for the feelings and convictions of another person, he is mature, particularly if the issue is very important to both parties.

If you examine many of the psychological tests used for hiring, promoting, and training purposes, you will find that they are designed to evaluate this kind of maturity. Whether it's called the ego strength/empathy balance, the self confidence/respect for others balance, the concern for people/concern for tasks balance, "I'm okay, you're okay" in transactional analysis language, or 9.1, 1.9, 5.5, 9.9, in management grid language -- the quality sought for is the balance of what I call courage and consideration.

Respect for this quality is deeply ingrained in the theory of human interaction, management, and leadership. It is a deep embodiment of the P/PC Balance. While courage may focus on getting the golden egg, consideration deals with the long-term welfare of the other stakeholders. The basic task of leadership is to increase the standard of living and the quality of life for all stakeholders.

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Many people think in dichotomies, in either/or terms. They think if you're nice, you're not tough.

But win-win is nice...and tough. It's twice as tough as win-lose. To go for win-win, you not only have to be nice, you have to be courageous. You not only have to be empathic, you have to be confident.

You not only have to be considerate and sensitive, you have to be brave. To do that, to achieve that balance between courage and consideration, is the essence of real maturity and is fundamental to win-win.

If I'm high on courage and low on consideration, how will I think? Win-lose. I'll be strong and ego bound. I'll have the courage of my convictions, but I won't be very considerate of yours.

To compensate for my lack of internal maturity and emotional strength, I might borrow strength from my position and power, or from my credentials, my seniority, my affiliation.

If I'm high on consideration and low on courage, I'll think lose-win. I'll be so considerate of your convictions and desires that I won't have the courage to express and actualize my own.

High courage and consideration are both essential to win-win. It is the balance that is the mark of real maturity. If I have it, I can listen, I can empathically understand, but I can also courageously confront.

ABUNDANCE MENTALITY TM. The third character trait essential to win-win is the Abundance Mentality, the paradigm that there is plenty out there for everybody.

Most people are deeply scripted in what I call the Scarcity Mentality. They see life as having only so much, as though there were only one pie out there. And if someone were to get a big piece of the pie, it would mean less for everybody else. The Scarcity Mentality is the zero-sum paradigm of life.

People with a Scarcity Mentality have a very difficult time sharing recognition and credit, power or profit -- even with those who help in the production. They also have a very hard time being genuinely happy for the successes of other people -- even, and sometimes especially, members of their own family or close friends and associates. It's almost as if something is being taken from them when someone else receives special recognition or windfall gain or has remarkable success or achievement.

Although they might verbally express happiness for others' success, inwardly they are eating their hearts out. Their sense of worth comes from being compared, and someone else's success, to some degree, means their failure. Only so many people can be "A" students; only one person can be

"number one." To "win" simply means to "beat."

Often, people with a Scarcity Mentality harbor secret hopes that others might suffer misfortune --

not terrible misfortune, but acceptable misfortune that would keep them "in their place." They're always comparing, always competing. They give their energies to possessing things or other people in order to increase their sense of worth.

They want other people to be the way they want them to be. They often want to clone them, and they surround themselves with "yes" people -- people who won't challenge them, people who are weaker than they.

It's difficult for people with a Scarcity Mentality to be members of a complementary team. They look on differences as signs of insubordination and disloyalty.

The Abundance Mentality, on the other hand, flows out of a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. It is the paradigm that there is plenty out there and enough to spare for everybody. It results in sharing of prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives, and creativity.

The Abundance Mentality takes the personal joy, satisfaction, and fulfillment of Habits 1, 2, and 3

and turns it outward, appreciating the uniqueness, the inner direction, the proactive nature of others.

It recognizes the unlimited possibilities for positive interactive growth and development, creating new Third Alternatives.

Public Victory does not mean victory over other people. It means success in effective interaction that brings mutually beneficial results to everyone involved. Public Victory means working together,
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communicating together, making things happen together that even the same people couldn't make happen by working independently. And Public Victory is an outgrowth of the Abundance Mentality paradigm.

A character rich in integrity, maturity, and the Abundance Mentality has a genuineness that goes far beyond technique, or lack of it, in human interaction.

One thing I have found particularly helpful to win-lose people in developing a win-win character is to associate with some model or mentor who really thinks win-win. When people are deeply scripted in win-lose or other philosophies and regularly associate with others who are likewise scripted, they don't have much opportunity to see and experience the win-win philosophy in action. So I recommend reading literature, such as the inspiring biography of Anwar Sadat, In Search of Identity, and seeing movies like Chariots of Fire or plays like Les Miserables that expose you to models of win-win.

But remember: If we search deeply enough within ourselves -- beyond the scripting, beyond the learned attitudes and behaviors -- the real validation of win-win, as well as every other correct principle, is in our own lives.

From the foundation of character, we build and maintain win-win relationships. The trust, the Emotional Bank Account, is the essence of win-win. Without trust, the best we can do is compromise; without trust, we lack the credibility for open, mutual learning and communication and real creativity.

But if our Emotional Bank Account is high, credibility is no longer an issue. Enough deposits have been made so that you know and I know that we deeply respect each other. We're focused on the issues, not on personalities or positions.

Because we trust each other, we're open. We put our cards on the table. Even though we see things differently, I know that you're willing to listen with respect while I describe the young woman to you, and you know that I'll treat your description of the old woman with the same respect. We're both committed to try to understand each other's point of view deeply and to work together for the Third Alternative, the synergistic solution, that will be a better answer for both of us.

A relationship where bank accounts are high and both parties are deeply committed to win-win is the ideal springboard for tremendous synergy (Habit 6). That relationship neither makes the issues any less real or important, nor eliminates the differences in perspective. But it does eliminate the negative energy normally focused on differences in personality and position and creates a positive, cooperative energy focused on thoroughly understanding the issue and resolving them in a mutually beneficial way.

But what if that kind of relationship isn't there? What if you have to work out an agreement with someone who hasn't even heard of win-win and is deeply scripted in win-lose or some other philosophy?

Dealing with win-lose is the real test of win-win. Rarely is win-win easily achieved in any circumstance. Deep issues and fundamental differences have to be dealt with. But it is much easier when both parties are aware of and committed to it and where there is a high Emotional Bank Account in the relationship.

When you're dealing with a person who is coming from a paradigm of win-lose, the relationship is still the key. The place to focus is on your Circle of Influence. You make deposits into the Emotional Bank Account through genuine courtesy, respect, and appreciation for that person and for the other point of view. You stay longer in the communication process. You listen more, you listen in greater depth. You express yourself with greater courage. You aren't reactive. You go deeper inside yourself for strength of character to be proactive. You keep hammering it out until the other person
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begins to realize that you genuinely want the resolution to be a real win for both of you. That very process is a tremendous deposit in the Emotional Bank Account.

And the stronger you are -- the more genuine your character, the higher your level of proactivity, the more committed you really are to win-win -- the more powerful your influence will be with that other person. This is the real test of interpersonal leadership. It goes beyond transactional leadership into transformational leadership, transforming the individuals involved as well as the relationship.

Because win-win is a principle people can validate in their own lives, you will be able to bring most people to a realization that they will win more of what they want by going for what you both want.

But there will be a few who are so deeply embedded in the win-lose mentality that they just won't Think Win-Win. So remember that no deal is always an option. Or you may occasionally choose to go for the low form of win-win -- compromise.

It's important to realize that not all decisions need to be win-win, even when the Emotional Bank Account is high. Again, the key is the relationship. If you and I worked together, for example, and you were to come to me and say, "Stephen, I know you won't like this decision. I don't have time to explain it to you, let alone get you involved. There's a good possibility you'll think it's wrong. But will you support it?"

If you had a positive Emotional Bank Account with me, of course I'd support it. I'd hope you were right and I was wrong. I'd work to make your decision work.

But if the Emotional Bank Account weren't there, and if I were reactive, I wouldn't really support it.

I might say I would to your face, but behind your back I wouldn't be very enthusiastic. I wouldn't make the investment necessary to make it succeed. "It didn't work," I'd say. "So what do you want me to do now?"

If I were overreactive, I might even torpedo your decision and do what I could to make sure others did too. Or I might become "maliciously obedient" and do exactly and only what you tell me to do, accepting no responsibility for results.

During the five years I lived in Great Britain, I saw that country brought twice to its knees because the train conductors were maliciously obedient in following all the rules and procedures written on paper.

An agreement means very little in letter without the character and relationship base to sustain it in spirit. So we need to approach win-win from a genuine desire to invest in the relationships that make it possible.

From relationships flow the agreements that give definition and direction to win-win. They are sometimes called performance agreements or partnership agreements, or shifting the paradigm of productive interaction from vertical to horizontal, from hovering supervision to self-supervision, from positioning to being partners in success.

Win-Win Agreements cover a wide scope of interdependent interaction. We discussed one important application when we talked about delegation in the "Green and Clean" story in Habit 3. The same five elements we listed there provide the structure for Win-Win Agreements between employers and employees, between independent people working together on projects, between groups of people cooperatively focused on a common objective, between companies and suppliers -- between any people who need to interact to accomplish. They create an effective way to clarify and manage expectations between people involved in any .interdependent endeavor.

Desired results (not methods) identify what is to be done and when.

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Guidelines specify the parameters (principles, policies, etc.) within which results are to be accomplished

Resources identify the human, financial, technical, or organizational support available to help accomplish the results.

Accountability sets up the standards of performance and the time of evaluation.

Consequences specify -- good and bad, natural and logical -- what does and will happen as a result of the evaluation.