Sex and the Single Girl: The Unmarried Woman's Guide to Men

To David

INTRODUCTION

1. WOMEN ALONE? OH COME NOW!

2. THE AVAILABLES: THE MEN IN YOUR LIFE

3. WHERE TO MEET THEM

4. HOW TO BE SEXY

5. NINE TO FIVE

6. MONEY MONEY MONEY

7. THE APARTMENT

8. THE CARE AND FEEDING OF EVERYBODY

9. THE SHAPE YOU’RE IN

10. THE WARDROBE

11. KISSES AND MAKE-UP

12. THE AFFAIR: FROM BEGINNING TO END

13. THE RICH, FULL LIFE

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

W
HY REPUBLISH
SEX AND
the Single Girl at
this stage of our lives? Because my friends Carole and Lyle Stuart of Barricade Books thought it was a good idea to reprint the little classic and I took the “why not” approach along
with
them! The book caused something of a commotion at the time of its original appearance in 1962. Through the years women have come up to me in restaurants, at airports, on the street, to tell me the book changed their lives (for the better) so why not republish?

We decided
not
to update in any way, though some of the original observations may sound a little quaint—Gregory Peck the quintessential desirable man? Rudi Gernreich the unqualified best creator of single-girl wardrobes in the world? Yet many of the basics do hold up.

I don’t live totally in a single-girl milieu, as was the case when the original was written, but I do know lots of single women, work and live with them and will make a few comments about this group
now
if I may. I haven’t conducted an official survey of single women nor did I do one for the original book—just dealt with what was happening to my girlfriends and me. This time I’m only dealing with
friends.
May I continue?

How is it with single girls these days? (Forgive my continuing to call women girls but I think in many ways we continue to
be
girls all our lives.) At around age 25 we often take on adult responsibilities—marry, have children, create homes for other people but I think the basic
girl
is still in there whooshing around—loving fun, being spontaneous, mainlining on enthusiasm, don’t you? How it is with single girls/women these days I think is
good.
We surely
hope
so … so many
out
there! The U.S. Census Bureau reports that single women over the age of 15 now represent 48 per cent of the female population—nearly
half.
Since I wrote
S & S G
, three things have improved for this category of female:

1. She isn’t perceived to be a loser if, by age 30, she isn’t married.
   
2. She doesn’t have to feel guilty (sluttish) about participating in and enjoying sex—
   au contraire
   , she happily participates.
   
3. Career opportunities for all women have staggeringly improved. Not many female presidents of companies or countries yet, but nobody says you can’t be one just because of gender. Indira Gandhi, Golda Meir, Margaret Thatcher did lead their countries and Secretary of State Madeleine Albright and Condoleeza Rice are major somebodies. Single or married, women are encouraged to have terrific jobs, helped by others to succeed in them, financially rewarded.
   

Something else kind of wonderful has happened to single women. You don’t have to be so beautiful anymore to be cherished and adored. When I was growing up in Green Forest and Little Rock, Arkansas and later in Los Angeles as a single girl, pretty was what you were supposed to be if you had a brain in your head. I’m being funny—having a brain in your head
wasn’t
what it was about, beauty
was
whether you had the attribute or not. Know what? Brains have become almost as treasured as beauty …
almost
! Oh, I know, the fabulous-faced one is still utterly desired. “His happiness blonde” is what a friend of mine calls the young gorgeous creature a substantial male friend of ours married recently.

If you had to or could choose one or the other, I would
almost
choose smart! People like to be
with
you, you “
get
it,” and your brain can be a nifty asset for the company you work for. Not that everybody doesn’t appreciate beauty as much as ever—we
worship
beautiful! Mercifully you can get
more
beautiful with incredible cosmetic and dermatological procedures these days and, of course, your body can be okay with the discipline of exercise and not cramming down chocolate-ripple cheesecake. I’m happy to celebrate this new development for single and not single women. Among my single friends I find virtually nobody desperate to marry just for status—the act must evolve from a long or short-term relationship. At some point both parties agree they want to make it “official.” A relationship could have lasted for months or years, of course, both parties loving and respecting each other and still may sunder. She meets a great new person, he takes a job in the Belgian Congo making continuing intimacy difficult or it’s just
over
… the good has been extracted.

Among single women I know, being with a man in a loving relationship is as natural as grape juice though they may not live together and the loving may not lead to marriages.

Is there lots of dating? Is the Mississippi a river? Is Elvis Presley a legend? A date can be anything from coffee and danish at Starbucks,
AIDA
on Broadway or checking out the Weimaraners at the Westminster Dog Show.

Sex, as we have said, is enjoyed by single women who participate not to please a man as might have been the case in olden times but to please
themselves.
A few—perhaps not few enough—young women perform fellatio as a way to endear themselves to a baby hunk, enjoy or
don’t
enjoy the act all that much. Does a single woman worry that a new partner might be HIV positive? She asks but, after he declares he isn’t, she may still request that he use a condom during the first few weeks of their sexual friendship until she can ascertain whether he tells truths or lies. If “truths” win out, birth control is probably then up to her, the pill being popular and reliable.

After a night of carried-away unprotected sex, if she’s worried about having conceived, a trip to the doctor next morning may eradicate a possible pregnancy. The finally F.D.A.-approved abortion pill—RU 846—for eradicating pregnancy didn’t become as popular as some of us thought it might, the procedure is actually more expensive and requiring more time than an abortion. Several visits to a doctor’s office are needed as you take the pill.

Okay, that’s the group that
doesn’t
want to make babies. There’s also the group that
does.
An attractive woman I know asked a friend—handsome, healthy, brainy—if he would consider impregnating her. If successful and a baby made, he would bear no responsibility whatever for parenting, wouldn’t even have to see mother or baby if he didn’t wish. He turned her down cold.

She next went the artificial insemination route—not as science-fiction as you might
think.
Sperm can be ordered on the internet—California and Virginia have the best banks. Cost varies—may be $200 a vial and you will need about 12 vials in order to keep trying for impregnation until the procedure “takes” (you wouldn’t want to go back to the bank mid-procedure only to find daddy’s sperm deposit had been depleted). You are supplied background information on the donor—age, race, background, measurements (height, circumference of neck, ankles, etc., = no, not penis size!) You are not shown a photograph but a CD of his voice is available.

Now you take your sperm vials to a fertility doctor for the impregnation, the procedure is successful only about 10 percent of the time. If baby-making doesn’t “take,” you could next go for in vitro fertilization, a procedure often used by married couples having trouble with conception. The price of in vitro is $10,000. The whole life-creating adventure can run between $25,000 and $30,000.

My friend—age 41—actually got pregnant with donor sperm (helped along, perhaps, with hormone shots at the doctor’s office every day for three weeks and blood tests to make sure everything was going smoothly), then regrettably had a miscarriage. She’s resting up a bit before adventuring again.

Motherhood plans worked out differently for another young woman I know. Her boyfriend, a substantial magazine editor, said yes when asked to father a baby. Now daddy, still unmarried to the child’s mother nor living with her, is thrilled with his offspring. “My little princess,” he coos as he cuddles. “Daddy’s little angel!” Nice!

Do single women split the cost of dates? You don’t divvy up at the restaurant table but, since women frequently make as much (or more) money than men, he is asked to the
next
restaurant dinner, the bill paid quietly and without a fuss, by her.

Are married men off limits? Not always. Same downside (and upside?), trials, and rewards as ever. Plusses: good sex, admiration, even adoration from him. We’re not talking about outright being kept but delicious prezzies and trips are often in his portfolio.

The married man is rarely a good marriage prospect, of course, already
having
a wife he isn’t eager to discard. I’ve always felt—and said—however that a married man is okay for occasional use, the word “use” not seen as a pejorative. I think useful is a good thing for
all
of us to be. No, I don’t want adultery in my own marriage, and some people think I’m a lunatic and immoral to suggest a married man can, in his way, accommodate or enhance the life of a single woman, but it seems to me faithfulness is the responsibility of the married
woman.
If she wants him unshared and unstrayed, lots of things she can do—not what this book is about. A womanizer doesn’t often change stripes or spots. A cheated-on-wife might just avoid marrying him in the first place.

Gay men? After all the studies and research, we
still
don’t know why they are, do we—nature or nurture, and why didn’t
we
become lesbians? Whatever, these men, while not for sleeping with, can be wonderful friends. Some of mine from single days are still in my life. Yes, some women marry gay men, knowing or
not
knowing they are, but can it be fun to have him pining for somebody across town or cross country in San Francisco as you are accommodated?

Where do you meet men? Same places they were always met. Work is a good supply depot—both coworkers and people dropping in—and, of course, you meet males outside the office in meetings, conferences, seminars. For many of us, work isn’t nine to five but more like nine to nine sometimes. Good to have those precious hours to get acquainted—and sink into—a likely person. Casual pick-ups at the museum, a sports event, or restaurant can’t be counted on to harvest much wheat. The airport lounge or an actual flight can be productive if you’re lucky enough to sit next to a possible.

Friends are important. Some of my single girlfriends stay close to old college buddies, even high school friends and they introduce each other to “possibilities.” The internet is a new meeting arena, possibly more interesting to women over 40 than younger women. A friend of David’s and mine met his wife in a chat room—she 40 years younger than he. What do they give each other? She gets a famous, talented guy, a nice person, and the lifestyle that goes with an acclaimed worker in the film industry. He gets youth, pulchritude, affection and, yes, I think now love.

Blind dates? Certainly! There are the scruffy ones and the keepers. One of mine I have now kept for 43 years! After a year of dating, David didn’t want to get married so I put the heat on. Either make the commitment or burn to death! (i.e. you will have to do without me if you choose to continue your silly singlehood!). Blind date finally committed—we were married before a judge in Beverly Hills. David says he isn’t sorry. If he were, it would be very expensive to get rid of me. All our holdings are mutually owned—I could sell off stocks and bonds, our home, grab the cash without even a discussion.