Sex & God: How Religion Distorts Sexuality (2 page)

Over time, I saw an astonishingly high incidence of sexual misconduct among the church leaders. Not all displayed this behavior, but almost all participated in hiding or ignoring it. This experience led me to a deeper study of how religion works and what allows such obviously inappropriate behavior to go on for years in all kinds of churches. No book or study I read seemed to address this question.

It is hard for me to remember a time when my sexual behavior was not influenced by Jesus watching or a god judging. By the time I became aware of sex, at about 8 or 9 years old, I knew it was dangerous, dirty, suspect and something I should not talk about. While my mom was pretty open about sexuality, she still thought Alfred Kinsey was a communist, Masters and Johnson were pornographers and that the books of D. H. Lawrence should be banned. My father did not seem interested in talking about sex except to make occasional obscure comments. As for my grandparents, I knew and loved all four of them but suspected that they had sex only four times, to produce their four children. The mention of sex could set any of them off on a religious rant.

I often sneaked the medical dictionary off the shelf and read all it said about sex, which, sadly, was very little. I asked questions my mother didn’t want to answer, so she eventually took me to the library where we checked out books on sex. In the early 1960s, most of the books were “restricted.” My mother had to check them out for me as I was only 12 years old. I came home from the library excited at the prospect of finally finding the answers. I read and read … for days. But much to my disappointment, I found few answers and many contradictions. The books were clinical and filled with biological “facts.”

As I read, every so often a book would venture into the juicy stuff – like how to actually have sex – only to disappoint by saying, “You must communicate with your partner.” or “Pray about your relationship and talk with your minister or priest.” At the end of my research, I knew little more than when I started. Nevertheless, I became known throughout our school as
the
expert on sex, since I was the only one who had actually read the forbidden books. Boys had a hundred questions. I answered them with great authority and listened to their concerns. Despite all my reading, I knew little more than they did. For most it came down to, “My parents say that I will learn about sex some day and in the mean time I should read the Bible and pray for God’s guidance.”

Somehow I heard about the Kinsey Report.
¹
In the interest of furthering my research, I asked my mom if she would check it out for me. She informed me that it was smut and that the library did not carry it.

Then one day a friend of mine, whose father was an elder in the church, revealed his father’s stash of pornographic magazines. When his parents were not around, we both devoured first the pictures, then the articles. With this information, I soon became a true expert and began to answer questions much more intelligently. The main thing I noticed in these magazines was the lack of religious references. In fact, some even had anti-religious messages. I distinctly remember one photo spread that highlighted nuns in revealing habits and priests leering at them. Later I created my own collection of porn, and my brothers began collecting theirs as well. Ultimately, my mom found out and made a minor fuss. She threw everything away, so we got better at hiding it.

From then on, my sexual development involved pornography. Despite its bad reputation, it was one way to learn about sex. But everyone knows that porn is masturbatory material. As a young teenager, I noticed how many people acted like they did not masturbate or use porn. One preacher’s son was famous for always having great sex photos in his pocket, yet he claimed he never masturbated. His father was caught three times having affairs with women in the church. It was an unwritten rule, “Do not admit to it or you will be labeled a ‘homo.’” As I leered at friends’ magazines in the shed behind my house, getting an erection under my jeans, I dared not admit the pictures had any effect on me, let alone admit that I masturbated later to the memory of those photos.

Reading
Catcher in the Rye
by J. D. Salinger (1951) was the first time I read a non-porn book that seemed to deal with the kind of sex and sexuality that I was experiencing in my own life. Of course, the fact that everyone thought it was a horrible book made me want to read it even more.

After getting married at age 20, I read
The Joy of Sex
by Alex Comfort (1972) and soon began thinking that everything the churches taught was wrong. But it wasn’t until I was in graduate school and heard the great psychotherapist, sexologist and atheist Albert Ellis speak, that I began to recognize the whole religion and sex thing was a scam.
²
Ellis talked freely about sex and sexuality, using words I had almost never heard uttered publicly like “masturbation,” “anal sex” and “blow job.” It was an incredible experience. Unfortunately, living and working in a conservative community allowed for little discussion and exploration of his ideas. In the “goody two-shoes” world of church, no one would dare discuss how they used sex toys or a sexual position or technique. Even in liberal churches like Presbyterian U.S.A., Episcopalians and United Church of Christ, the language in marriage classes was so discreet and convoluted as to be useless. Many participants could not even use clinical descriptions of body parts without embarrassment.

Eventually I found places where people were comfortable with their sexuality. I met them at humanist meetings, secular book clubs, gay and lesbian groups, Pagan groups, atheist and deists meetings. Conversation and discussion about sex flowed easily. Whether sexual techniques or
preferences, people seemed comfortable and open, nothing to hide or feel shameful about.

The contrast between these groups and church groups says volumes about religion’s influence on our sexuality and led me to think: “What if we took religion out of sex? How would that look? How would it work? Why has religion gotten so tangled up in sex? How did that happen, and how does religion benefit from this arrangement? Do we benefit from having religion in our sex lives?” These are some of the questions that intrigued me and ultimately led to the research for this book.

Every author brings a viewpoint. While my personal views will undoubtedly influence the discussion, I will endeavor to stay close to the science and facts and give you resources to examine yourself. We will look at the science, the biology, the anthropology and much more to fully understand what human sexuality has been and still is. My hope is that this exploration will bring you closer to understanding yourself as a sexual creature so you can enjoy and celebrate your sexuality free of religious ideas and controls. I will also look at data collected from thousands of people who left religion to answer the question, “What happens to your sex life when you leave religion?”

If successful, you will learn more about you and your potential. You will gain greater understanding of the power religion has in distorting the lives of its adherents. I also hope you gain a sense of power and acceptance of who you are. My purpose is to challenge you, the reader, to look into the sexual training and indoctrination you received from childhood and make informed choices about how to conduct yourself as a sexual being. In many ways, we cannot understand ourselves unless we understand how religion has impacted us. Even if you were born to non-religious parents, the culture that surrounds you is replete with religious sexual messages. Religion has shaped our culture, our sexual development and our behavior. Examples of this include embarrassment over menstruation, taboos against masturbation and premarital sex, ideas that sex is sinful or somehow dirty. If we can eliminate religious sexual myths and learn to make rational choices, we can become more fulfilled and more informed. We can create our own value structure, free of dogma and based on ethical principles and acceptance of others, regardless of their sexual orientation.

Reading this book may be disturbing or confusing. After all, it looks at one of the most deeply ingrained areas of behavior and programming. If you find yourself disagreeing with something or feeling uncomfortable, take time to look at some of the source material listed. Examine the evidence for yourself. Then consider how it will inform you, change you, support you and give you new avenues and ideas for living your life.

I have given many talks on religion and sex and cannot count the number of times I have received emails and phone calls from people saying how liberated they felt after recognizing and challenging their religious programming. Sometimes it is almost miraculous. After one of my talks, a professional man emailed me this message:

My wife and I left your talk last night with our heads spinning. So many ideas applied to us as a couple. Things we had never thought to discuss or were afraid to tell each other. Let me just say that the discussion was beyond anything we have had in our 26 years of marriage. I think our marriage was changed dramatically last night. No more reason to hide from one another
.

A young engaged couple attended one of my talks on a college campus. Later, they wrote to say they went home that night and talked until dawn with the result that they decided to break off the engagement. The ideas they heard made them examine their expectations of sex in marriage. In the end, they realized that their sexual styles were very different. They recognized that they were headed towards sexual misery, something they saw in their very religious parents. They parted good friends and felt like they had a much better idea of what their own sexual desires were.

I am sure the ideas presented here will not have that effect on everyone. But an honest reading, I believe, will find you challenging some closely held beliefs about your sexuality and give you a better understanding of others’ sexuality.

In this book we will not only take a hard look at Western religious culture but also at other times and cultures. By examining how other cultures have dealt with sexuality, we will see how deeply restricted and programmed we have become by the religious environment of our time and our history.

In
Section I
we will explore religion and sex broadly and identify some of the psychological methods all the major religions use to create shame and guilt about sex.

In
Section II
we will take a fun look at our biology and learn how evolution changes genitals and programs our behavior. In
Section III
we will examine how culture has impacted sex and religion over the last 10,000 years and ask the question, “How did so many cultures survive for thousands of years without Jesus looking into their bedroom?”

Section IV
will examine the psychology of religion; specifically, how it distorts sexual ideas, body image, marriage, family and culture. Finally, in
Section V
we will look at what you can do about religiously taught sexual guilt and ask, “Do you really believe your religious mom or dad were virgins when they married?” We will break some romantic and religious myths about relationships.

With better knowledge, we can make better decisions and heal the damage of old decisions. This book will give you ideas and skills to question the religious programming of your family and culture and to empower you to blaze your own path without the chains of religion inhibiting and restricting you.

This book will benefit anyone who wants to understand how religion impacts sexuality.

• If you are young and not yet experienced in marriage or relationships, this will show you the world of dating in a religious culture. You will learn about the unconscious games used by religious people to trap you into religion through marriage and relationships.
  
• If you are in a new relationship or newly married, you will learn about many hidden religious assumptions that directly impact your sex life. Examining these assumptions will give you the power to make informed decisions, free of dogma and indoctrination.
  
• If you have been married for 10 or 20 years or more, and want to know if your feelings and concerns are normal, this may give you some benchmarks to consider and ideas to further develop your relationship.
  
• Finally, if you are religious, you will be able to compare your particular religion with many others. You may want to explore such questions as, “Why do all major religions use shame and guilt, regardless of their theology or doctrine?” or “Why are women universally seen as second-class citizens in the major religions?”
  

1
Alfred Kinsey's
Sexual Behavior in the Human Male
(1948) and
Sexual Behavior in the Human Female
(1953).

2
Ellis’
Sex Without Guilt in the 21st Century
(2003) is an update of his ground-breaking 1958 book,
Sex Without Guilt
.

Religion has the power to interfere with sex before it even gets started. This distorts sexuality and sexual expression and causes sexual dysfunction and acting-out behavior in many religious people, including leaders. . . .

“... sex is great but the kingdom of heaven is better.”

-City Bible Forum

Anna smiles at Joe as she unbuttons her blouse. They met in an adult singles Sunday School class four months ago and their relationship has really blossomed. She’s ready to sleep with him and knows he will become her husband within the next year. Joe reaches toward Anna, watching her lovingly. But as he slips down her bra strap and kisses her shoulder, Anna realizes someone is watching her: Jesus. The crucifix Aunt Mary gave her eons ago glares at her from the wall. The Bible on the bed stand, unread for weeks, seems to bristle. Instead of tasting desire, the bitter taste of sin fills her mouth. Flooded with shame and guilt, Anna takes a step back. “I can’t do this,” she tells Joe.