Sex, Marriage and Family in World Religions (81 page)

The son of a Great Officer had a wetnurse. The wife of an ordinary officer nursed her child herself. . . .

t h e m e a n i n g o f s a c r i fi c e s 4. Thus the filial piety taught by the ancient kings required that the eyes of the son should not forget the looks of his parents, nor his ears their voices; and that he should retain the memory of their aims, likings, and wishes. As he gave full play to his love, they seemed to live again; and to his reverence, they seemed to stand out before him. So seeming to live and stand out, so unforgotten by him, how could his sacrifices be without the accompaniment of reverence? . . .

6. It is only the sage who can sacrifice to God, and only the filial son who can sacrifice to his parents. Sacrificing means directing one’s self to. The son directs his thoughts to his parents and then he can offer his sacrifice. Hence the filial son approaches the personator of the departed without having occasion to blush; the ruler leads the victim forward, while his wife puts down the bowls; the ruler presents the offerings to the personator, while his wife sets forth the various dishes; his ministers and great officers assist the ruler, while their ac-knowledged wives assist his wife. How well sustained was their reverence! How complete was the expression of their loyal devotion! How earnest was their wish that the departed should enjoy the service! . . .

11. What the sacrifice of a filial son should be can be known. While he is standing (waiting for the service to commence), he should be reverent, with his body somewhat bent; while he is engaged in carrying forward the service, he should be reverent, with an. expression of pleasure; when he is presenting the offerings, he should be reverent, with an expression of desire. He should then retire and stand, as if he were about to receive orders; when he has removed the offerings and (finally) retires, the expression of reverent gravity should continue to be worn on his face. Such is the sacrifice of a filial son.

To stand without any inclination of the body would show insensibility; to carry the service forward without an expression of pleasure would show indifference; to present the offerings without an expression of desire (that they may be enjoyed) would show a want of love; to retire and stand without seeming to 386

expect to receive orders, would show pride; to retire and stand, after the removal of the offerings, without an expression of reverent gravity would show a forgetfulness of the parent to whom he owes his being. A sacrifice so conducted would be wanting in its proper characteristics. . . .

11. Zengzi said, ‘The body is that which has been transmitted to us by our parents; dare anyone allow himself to be irreverent in the employment of their legacy? If a man in his own house and privacy be not grave, he is not filial; if in serving his ruler, he be not loyal, he is not filial; if in discharging the duties of office, he be not reverent, he is not filial; if with friends he be not sincere, he is not filial; if on the field of battle he be not brave, he is not filial. If he fail in these five things, the evil (of the disgrace) will reach his parents. Dare he but reverently attend to them?’

To prepare the fragrant flesh and grain which he has cooked, tasting and then presenting them before his parents, is not filial piety; it is only nourishing them. He whom the superior man pronounces filial is he whom the people of his state praise, saying with admiration, ‘Happy are the parents who have such a son as this!’—that indeed is what can be called being filial. . . .

14. The disciple Youzheng Chun injured his foot in descending from his hall, and for some months was not able to go out. Even after this he still wore a look of sorrow, and one of the disciples of the school said to him, ‘Your foot, master, is better; and though for some months you could not go out, why should you still wear a look of sorrow?’ Youzheng Chun replied, ‘It is a good question which you ask! It is a good question which you ask! I heard from Zengzi what he had heard the Master say, that of all that Heaven produces and Earth nourishes, there is none so great as man. His parents give birth to his person all complete, and to return it to them all complete may be called filial duty. When no member has been mutilated and no disgrace done to any part of the person, it may be called complete; and hence a superior man does not dare to take the slightest step in forgetfulness of his filial duty. But now I forgot the way of that, and therefore I wear the look of sorrow. A son should not forget his parents in a single lifting up of his feet, nor in the utterance of a single word. He should not forget his parents in a single lifting up of his feet, and therefore he will walk in the highway and not take a by-path, he will use a boat and not attempt to wade through a stream;—not daring, with the body left him by his parents, to go in the way of peril. He should not forget his parents in the utterance of a single word, and therefore an evil word will not issue from his mouth, and an angry word will not come back to his person. Not to disgrace his person and not to cause shame to his parents may be called filial duty.

33. The Master said, ‘The ceremonial usages serve as dikes to the people against bad excesses (to which they are prone). They display the separation which
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should be maintained (between the sexes), that there may be no occasion for suspicion, and the relations of the people be well defined. It is said in the
Book
of Poetry
(Mao 101), “How do we proceed in hewing an axe-handle?

Without another axe it cannot be done.

How do we proceed in taking a wife?

Without a go-between it cannot be done.

How do we proceed in planting hemp?

The acres must be dressed length-wise and cross wise.

How do we proceed in taking a wife?

Announcement must first be made to our parents.”

In this way it was intended to guard the people (against doing wrong), and still there are some (women) among them, who offer themselves (to the male).

34. The Master said, “A man in taking a wife does not take one of the same surname with himself, to show broadly the distinction (to be maintained between man and wife). Hence, when a man is buying a concubine, if he does not know her surname, he consults the tortoise-shell about it. In this way it was intended to preserve the people (from going wrong in the matter). . . .

35. The Master said, “According to the rules, male and female do not give the cup to one another, excepting at sacrifice. This was intended to guard the people against (undue freedom of intercourse); and yet the marquis of Yang killed the marquis of Mo, and stole away his wife. Therefore the presence of the wife at the grand entertainments was disallowed.”

36. The Master said, “With the son of a widow one does not have inter-views—this would seem to be an obstacle to friendship, but a superior man will keep apart from intercourse in such a case, in order to avoid (suspicion). Hence, in the intercourse of friends, if the master of the house be not in, a visitor, unless there is some great cause, does not enter the door. This was intended to preserve the people (from all appearance of evil); and yet there are those who pay more regard to beauty than to virtue.”

37. The Master said, “The love of virtue should be like the love of beauty (from an inward constraint). Princes of states should not be like fishers for beauty (in the families) below them. Hence the superior man keeps aloof from beauty, in order to constitute a rule for the people. Thus male and female, in giving and receiving, do not allow their hands to touch; in driving his wife in a carriage, a husband advances his left hand; when a young aunt, a sister, or a daughter has been married, and returns (to her father’s house), no male can sit on the same mat with her; a widow should not wail at night; when a wife is ill, in asking for her, the nature of her illness should not be mentioned—in this way it was sought to keep the people (from irregular connections); and yet there 388

are those who become licentious and introduce disorder and confusion among their kindred.”

38. The Master said, “According to the rules of marriage, the son-in-law should go in person to meet the bride. When he is introduced to her father and mother, they bring her forward and give her to him—being afraid things should go contrary to what is right. In this way a dyke is raised in the interest of the people; and yet there are cases in which the wife will not go (to her husband’s).

29. “Here now is the affection of a father for his sons; he loves the worthy among them and places on a lower level those who do not show ability; but that of a mother for them is such, that while she loves the worthy, she pities those who do not show ability. The mother deals with them on the ground of affection and not of showing them honor; the father, on the ground of showing them honor and not of affection.

1. The ceremony of marriage was intended to be a bond of love between two families of different surnames, with a view, in its retrospective character, to secure the services in the ancestral temple, and in its prospective character, to secure the continuance of the family line. Therefore the superior men, (the ancient rulers), set a great value upon it. Hence, in regard to the various introductory ceremonies—the proposal with its accompanying gift; the inquiries about the lady’s name; the intimation of the approving divination; the receiving the special offerings; and the request to fix the days—these all were received by the principal party on the lady’s side, as he rested on his mat or leaning stool in the ancestral temple. When they arrived, he met the messenger and greeted him outside the gate, giving place to him as he entered, after which they ascended to the hall. Thus were the instructions received in the ancestral temple, and in this way was the ceremony respected, and watched over, while its importance was exhibited and care taken that all its details should be correct.

2. The father gave himself the special cup to his son and ordered him to go and meet the bride, it being proper that the male should take the first step in all the arrangements. The son, having received the order, proceeded to meet his bride. Her father, who had been resting on his mat and leaning stool in the temple, met him outside the gate and received him with a bow, and then the son-in-law entered, carrying a wild goose. After the bows and yieldings of prec-edence, they went up to the hall, when the bridegroom bowed twice and put down the wild goose. Then and in this way he received the bride from her parents.

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After this they went down, and he went out and took the reins of the horses of her carriage, which he drove for three revolutions of the wheels, having handed the strap to assist her in mounting. He then went before, and waited outside his gate. When she arrived, he bowed to her as she entered. They ate together of the same animal and joined in sipping from the cups made of the same gourd, thus showing that they now formed one body, were of equal rank, and pledged to mutual affection.

3. The respect, the caution, the importance, the attention to secure correctness in all the details, and then the pledge of mutual affection—these were the great points in the ceremony, and served to establish the distinction to be observed between man and woman, and the righteousness to be maintained between husband and wife. From the distinction between man and woman came the righteousness between husband and wife. From that righteousness came the affection between father and son; and from that affection, the rectitude between ruler and minister. Whence it is said, “The ceremony of marriage is the root of the other ceremonial observances.”

4. Ceremonies might be said to commence with the capping; to have their root in marriage; to be most important in the rites of mourning and sacrifice; to confer the greatest honor in audiences at the royal court and in the interchange of visits at the feudal courts; and to most promote harmony in the country festivals and celebrations of archery. These were the greatest occasions of ceremony and the principal points in them.

5. Rising early the morning after marriage, the young wife washed her head and bathed her person, and waited to be presented to her husband’s parents, which was done by the directrix as soon as it was bright day. She appeared before them, bearing a basket with dates, chestnuts, and slices of dried spiced meat. The directrix set before her a cup of sweet liquor, and she offered in sacrifice some of the dried meat and also the liquor, thus performing the ceremony which declared her their son’s wife.

6. The father and mother-in-law then entered their apartment, where she set before them a single dressed pig, thus showing the obedient duty of their son’s wife.

7. Next day, the parents united in entertaining the young wife, and when the ceremonies of their severally pledging her in a single cup and her pledging them in return had been performed, they descended by the steps on the west, and she by those on the east, thus showing that she would take the mother’s place in the family.

8. Thus the ceremony establishing the young wife in her position; followed by that showing her obedient service to her husband’s parents; and both succeeded by that showing how she now occupied the position of continuing the family line: all served to impress her with a sense of the deferential duty proper to her. When she was thus deferential, she was obedient to her parents-in-law and harmonious with all the occupants of the women’s apartments; she was the 390

fitting partner of her husband and could carry on all the work in silk and linen, making cloth and silken fabrics, and maintaining a watchful care over the various stores and depositories of the household.

9. In this way when the deferential obedience of the wife was complete, the internal harmony was secured; and when the internal harmony was secured, the long continuance of the family could be counted on. Therefore the ancient kings attached such importance to the marriage ceremonies.