Sex Tips for Straight Women From a Gay Man (11 page)

It’s a lot more convenient to make one magically appear from your handbag than have him frantically search a backpack from his last camping trip.

HOW

Some straight guys have fantasies about their partner applying a condom with her mouth. Gay guys don’t mess around with this much. If you must, practice on an inanimate object before you tackle the real thing. And remember, use your lips and not your teeth.

Once that is out of the way, the next insider’s tip is crucial because this little bit of knowledge will separate you from the rest of the pack. Although we recommend prelubricated
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A Quick Course on Condoms

condoms for intercourse, you may also want to put a little dab of your water-based lubricant
inside
the top of the condom right before you unroll it because it will make the experience more pleasurable for him. Use just a drop; the idea is to get a small glob on the head of his penis without rubbing it all around the shaft, because you don’t want the condom to slip off. You’ll never have a problem getting it on him again, and he’ll wonder why he didn’t think of it before.

So what’s the proper application etiquette? Opening the package, but not removing the condom, before you actually start fooling around will help things run smoothly when it’s time to stick it in. Don’t do it more than a few minutes in advance or the condom will dry out. If he wants to put it on himself, just let him. If you want to make him feel that his erection is the most magnificent thing you’ve ever seen, kneel down between his legs while you adopt an attitude of solemn worship—sort of like saluting the flag. Since condoms are rolled up, it will take a little practice to figure out which side is the top. Put a dab of lubricant inside the unrolled condom or on the head of his twitching member. Place the condom on the penis head and pinch the rubber tip between your thumb and forefinger to allow some space for what’s to come. Then unfurl the rest, climb on board and go to town. He will have wonderful thoughts of you rallying ’round his mast.

You shouldn’t even have to think about disposal, because he should know well enough to flush the evidence down the toilet. If he leaves it lying on your floor, or stuck to your wastebasket, think about dumping him. Our not-so-scientific studies would indicate that he’s a pig.

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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
After all of the aforementioned, his perky penis will be perfectly piqued for penetration.

Danny was amazed that most of his women friends think of the penis as one solid hunk o’ burning love. They never really thought about all the penis possibilities, and couldn’t possibly know how different positions feel to a guy. This goes back to fully appreciating the versatile virtues of your dear friend, Mr. Stiffy. Some women think that any old up-and-down pumping motion will do, so they let the guy choose the angle and stroke. Gay men know that every move jostles his joystick differently. That’s why they vary things a lot, and aren’t shy about switching things around midstream. Remember, it’s not just about getting off; it’s like the difference between frozen fish sticks and fresh Dover sole.

TRACK AND FIELD

As every runner knows, there’s a different strategy for winning sprints, relays and marathons. If you’re running the Boston marathon, you don’t blast off in the beginning, or you’ll have no fuel left for the finish. Likewise, a sprinter knows that he’s got to fly out fast and furious if he wants to grab the gold.

Whatever your mark, these tips will get you ready, set and going all the way.

Sprints

Although everyone likes to sit down to a full meal, there are times that eating on the run satisfies you just as well and more quickly. Everybody loves a quickie once in a while. For
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gay men, a quickie usually means a hot and hasty hand job.

For straight folks, a quickie can be anything from a morning eye-opener to a midday snack, whether it’s during a wake-up whiz-bang, a frequent flight or a little elevator ecstasy. If Mr.

Stiffy pops up eager as a beaver before you’ve opened your eyes, by all means, get him in, get him off, and get him on his way. Your beau will be beaming, and you’ll still have plenty of time to fix your face and handle your hair. Remember, men are always ready for sex and it’s a great way, says Maggie, for you to start your day, too.

Relays

Each leg of a relay race propels you to the finish line. Gay guys know that each segment of a sexual encounter has equal importance. In a relay race, each runner holds the baton for a certain segment, but in this case you’re the only contestant, so
you
have to set the pace or his baton may drop before you reach the finish line. If you’re combining techniques, and by this time you’ll be a pro, you’ll want to give his rod a rest in between, or it’ll be no match for your snatch. So how long do you wait, and what do you do in between? Go back to
primi piatti
(see chapter 4) and stay away from it for a good three minutes, or he’ll start rubbing it against your thigh and you’ll end up high and dry while your sheets will be soaked.

Marathons

This is when you’re pulling out all the stops. You’re ready, willing and able to go all the way, maybe even several
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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
times. Perhaps the kids are at camp, a blizzard just blew through, or you’ve carefully cleared your calendar for the next day. You’ve got lots of time, a preferred partner, and a cache of condoms. Your oral and manual techniques will be the prelude, but the headline act may include a whole series of positions you may never have tried.

CLIMATE CONTROL

In seventh-century China, Master Tung-hsuan painstakingly described thirty basic positions of “clouds and rain,” all referring to different styles of intercourse. While you have probably tried a few, we don’t know anyone who could come up with thirty. Why, you may ask, would someone want to know about thirty positions for intercourse? Because each one offers different sensations based on the angle and point of entry, and Master Tung-hsuan was thoughtful enough to write them down. While we won’t offer thirty positions here, we will tell you about a few angles you may enjoy trying out that will really wow Mr. Stiffy.

Picture your guy on top of you. Some boring guys practice sex the same way they would hammer a nail into the wall—the same motion over and over, only harder and faster toward the end. Some guys swirl around as if they’re trying to revive the lambada. He may go in at 45 degrees, then shift into thrusting mode at 90 degrees. Don’t make the mistake of continually repositioning yourself so he has a straight shot. Don’t always thrust your hips up and down. Mr. Stiffy likes a good workout, where he can stand, bend and move in all sorts of ways. So keep these angles in mind

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when you contemplate new positions and strokes. This is another chance to show off your newly acquired expertise. Your guy will like the variety, and Mr. Stiffy will love the different sensations.

POSITION TRANSITION

There are countless positions, some of which you, undoubtedly, have tried. Pretty much all of these will work whether Mr.

Stiffy is entering through the front door or the back door. You just have to line up the parts a little bit differently, and there are some special tips you’ll need to know about backdoor sex.

More on this later. The key here is not so much about acrobatics, but refining your skill with a few new twists. Using your imagination, and your buckwheat pillow, will change the angle of entry and give him a workout he won’t forget.

In the gay world, we think too much is made of locking partners into being a “top” or a “bottom.” Even our friend Phil jokingly said, “I’m a bottom. Let the top do the work: Get it in, get it over with, I want to go shopping.” In your old life, you may have had exactly the same sentiments. Scan the personal ads of any gay magazine, and you’ll see how tops wear their status like a merit badge, thinking they’re in control. Any person, gay or straight, who always envisions him/herself as

“giving it,” or “getting it,” rather than being a partner, is using sex in a way that’s weird to us. We think who’s on top and who’s on the bottom makes absolutely no difference at all.

Everyone knows the missionary position. Try this with
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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
him standing, while you scoot your parts down to the edge of the bed. He can hold your feet in each of his hands and move them higher or lower, separately or together, to change the angle of friction. You can place your ankles around his neck, your feet on his chest with your knees bent, or keep one leg bent with a foot on the bed and the other straight up, resting on his neck. Don’t forget to practice your Kegel exercises so that you can give him a tight squeeze inside as well as outside.

A really good in and out stroke that most women overlook is similar to the Princeton Belly Rub (see chapter 10). He’s on top in a push-ups position and inside you, both his and your legs are stretched out straight, and his hands should either be on your shoulders or grasping the top of the mattress. Using his tiptoes for leverage, with both of you perfectly flat, he quickly glides his entire body back and forth without raising his pelvis. This rapid rubbing action produces fast results, so you might want to save this for the grand finale.

The Flying Wallenda Position

Another interesting man-on-top technique was inspired by a porno flick that Danny saw. The bottom guy lifted his legs up over his head, the other guy stood above him, and entered the bottom while facing away from him. This seemed pretty tough for straight couples, but we came up with a great alternative, and we named it the Flying Wallenda position. You’re on your back, and the guy is in a push-ups position over you, except that his head and arms are between your

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feet. Bend your legs all the way back so that your opening is facing up, while you hold on to his feet. He enters you from above, and thrusts in and out. If you bench press his feet, it will not only change his angle of entry, but will give you a nice upper body workout, too. The extra bonus here is that your love button will get a nice workout from the weight of his body, and Mr. Stiffy goes in at an almost backward angle for a completely different feeling. Of course, this only works if your partner can measure up.

Hovering Butterflies

If you’re feeling particularly gymnastic, try Master Tung-hsuan’s Hovering Butterflies position. The guy is on his back with his knees bent up to his chest. You’re on top, facing him while sitting on the back of his thighs, with your knees supported by the bed. If you’re in this position, the angle changes by him wrapping his legs around your waist. While you have to do most of the work because he’s pinned down like a butterfly specimen, he can help you move up and down on his manshaft by placing his hands under your buttocks. This will make his coral stem yearn for your yin essence, and your jade chamber will be pretty happy, too.

T for Two

The T position has you on your back with your legs in the air, with the guy lying on his side perpendicular to your booty.

He can hold up your legs and enter from below. In this
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Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man
position, Mr. Stiffy will be coming at you on a sideward slant for yet another new sensation. Gay guys love this because the top guy gets to lean on his forearm and show off his buffed biceps.

X Marks the Spot

Another favorite sideways position, when you both want to lie comfortably on the bed, is the X. All your legs are inter-twined; his leg is on the bottom, then yours goes on top of that, then his other leg goes on top of yours. Your top leg can be up in the air or resting on his top leg. You won’t be within kissing distance, but the trick with this position is that both partners can vary the pressure by squeezing their legs. This is good if his swelling mushroom is on the small side and has trouble staying in your golden cleft.

Prized Thighs

When a gay guy sits on Mr. Stiffy, he usually does so in a squatting position, and moves straight up and down, giving his thighs a good workout at the same time. But Maggie says that most straight women don’t do this; they usually kneel over the guy. Regardless of the position you choose, your partner can put a hand under each of your thighs to help lift you up and down. This will give him more control so, even though he’s underneath, he can still pull almost all the way out to get that popping sensation on the ridge of his penis. If he wants to keep his legs straight, place both his hands firmly on your hips. Instead of bounc-94

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ing all over the place, have him “rub” you forward and back on his shaft. This requires much less energy on your part, and you won’t feel like a Pop-Tart. When you’re ready for climax, go back to the up-and-down, because that’s what really gets him off.