Shackled Lily (11 page)

“You look terrible,” I announced walking up to him. “And you don’t smell all that great either.”

Jake looked at me with disgust and then turned away to head back up to his bed, grabbing a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels on his way up. “What are you doing here anyway? I thought you had a one-way ticket to soberland. As you can see,” he continued, showing me the bottle. “We are doing just fine.”

“Jake, I have no problem with you drinking, but at least if you are going to do it, have some fun with it. Don’t just hole yourself up in sweaty sheets and pout. Let’s go out. I’m only here for one night.”

I heard the bottle hit the floor as Jake fell back on his bed. “Of course you are, because everyone always leaves. My dad, my mom, you, Avery. Liars. That’s what all of you are. She said she would always be there for me. Told me she loved me. Instead, she changed her locks. Can you believe that?” He was laughing at this point—a  scary kind of laugh that usually came right before a breakdown. Then there was silence. I walked upstairs, and he was asleep, sprawled facedown on his bed. I took the bottle out of his hand and threw some covers over him. I’d let him sleep it off for a few hours before waking him up.

I finished cleaning up his mess and then poured myself a drink, savoring the dark liquid as it burned my throat, numbing me. But the longer I sat alone listening to him snore, the more irritated I became, and finally I stormed back up to his bed to take a picture of his sorry butt, so he would never forget what an idiot he was for letting his defenses down. After making sure I got a good one of him drooling, I kicked him with my foot.

“Alright, the self pity party is over now. Get up.”

He responded by slapping my foot away and turned over. I stormed back down the stairs and filled a pitcher full of ice-cold water, which I poured all over him minutes later.

He leapt out of bed and stared at me in disbelief. “What’s wrong with you?” His voice was full of fury and disorientation.

“What’s wrong with me? Look at yourself. You and I had a pact, Jake, for this very reason. Is this really who you want to be
? Some slobbering jerk who’s pining for a girl that doesn’t want him?” I felt my voice rise uncontrollably as all the fear I’d felt since Avery’s call fueled my rage. “You are as bad as my mother!”

He stared at me blankly, his head drenched from the water I had poured on him, and then just hung his shoulders and started crying. I rushed to him and held him tight, feeling the fury leave me as I allowed him to cry without any shame.

“Just make it stop hurting, please Issy. I just want it to stop.”

“I wish I could, Jake,” I whispered as I rubbed his back. “If I knew the secret to doing that, I’d have a much different life right now. You’ve got to just block her out and move on.”

“But I don’t want to. Being with her was the only time I felt alive.”

Jake was slowly getting himself under control and we sat on his bed side by side, my arm still around him. “Jake, you didn’t feel that way because of her. She just gave you the freedom to pursue it. If you want to feel alive, then go live. Party, break a few hearts, skydive, do whatever you have to do to feel something. Just don’t be this person.”

He chuckled and then held me tight. “I could give you the same advice.”

“Jake, I live with my father. Talk to me when I’m out of survival mode. Speaking of which, I only get one night of freedom, so you have to pull yourself out of this slump and go out with me.”

He smiled at me before kissing the top of my head. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Good. But you really do need to go show
er.” I urged pushing him away. “I mean, seriously…you stink.”

“Fine. But not before I do this…” And next thing I knew, Jake had poured the remaining water from the pitcher over my head before running down the stairs. I chased him
, and we engaged in a water fight until both of us were laughing uncontrollably and drenched from head to toe.

When a truce was finally called, Jake threw me a towel and stuck out his hand. “Pact reinstated?” he asked with renewed determination.

“You tell me.” Our matching green eyes locked and he nodded. I shook his hand, and dismissed the picture of Grant that shot in my head when I did so.

10
. Varsity club

My heart was heavy with anticipation as Jake parked the car. I told myself it was because I hadn’t been here in a while, but deep down I knew it was because Grant was coming out with me for the first time ever. I had taken great care to make sure I looked irresistible tonight wearing tight, blue marbled leather pants and an army style t-shirt with multiple holes in it. I kept my hair dark at the roots and put silvery streaks in at the tips. Jake confirmed I was stunning and reminded me that I shouldn’t ever dress like that when he wasn’t around to look after me.

Jake had sobered up enough to drive, but I had a nice buzz already going and fingered my flask tucked deep in my purse. Grant would surely be watching me like a hawk
, and I knew the bottle held just enough to keep me sated for the night.

The music boomed when we walked in
, and I saw Jake’s face tighten just a little as I was sure memories flooded his mind of Avery and their first night out together.

“You ok?” I asked over the music.

“Yep,” he answered with a smile that looked forced. “Time to make new memories, right?” Just then a leggy blond walked by and gave Jake a very inviting stare and smile. He followed her with his eyes and then looked back at me.

“What are you waiting for?” I asked with a laugh. He winked and bounced off in her direction. I looked up to see who all was here from school and immediately locked eyes with Grant who was waiting at the bar. He stood up to come over
, and I felt my knees start to tremble. I’d never seen him look so devastatingly handsome. He had changed out of his normal work attire and into some stylish jeans that looked like they had come right off the runway. The crew-necked black shirt he wore fit him like a glove and magnified his broad chest.

My eyes never strayed from his until he reached me and wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me up against him. “You never fail to take my breath away,” he whispered in my ear before kissing me softly on the cheek. It was right then that I knew I didn’t want any barriers with him tonight. I’d go back to being numb tomorrow, but tonight, I was going to take some of my own advice and live a little.

I shot him a mischievous smile and pulled him on the dance floor, moving against him as if we were the only two people in the room. He responded, but used his strong arms to dictate our movement, keeping it controlled and noticeably PG rated. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him close to me, leaning in to kiss him.

He moved his lips past mine and whispered in my ear. “I’m not going to kiss you like this.”

“Why not?” I asked pulling back in confusion.

“Because I feel like I’m on display in here, and I’m not going to let you cheapen us to some one night stand.”

Insulted, I turned and stalked off the dance floor. I hadn’t gotten too far before I felt him grab my waist and spin me back around. “Issy, stop it. I
want
to be here with you. You’re the most gorgeous woman I know and believe me, I want nothing more than to kiss you. But not when you’re just going through the motions. Can’t you just let yourself go?”

“That’s what I’m doing!” I yelled, exasperated.

“Not your body, Issy. I want all of you. I want the girl I saw on the sand.”

I stared into his pleading eyes and let him pull me back out to the dance floor. I followed his lead and just let the music fill me up, allowing my mind to shut off and let my body take over. Grant moved with me as if he had been designed to fit perfectly. His fingertips burned every surface of my skin
, and I allowed mine to move along his chest and arms freely. I was so absorbed with him that I barely noticed when an hour had passed without so much as a sip from my flask.

Grant and I moved to the couches to catch our breath and drink some water. He looked genuinely happy as he pulled me next to him, keeping his arm wrapped tightly around my shoulders. I liked seeing him look that way. His eyes had a sparkle to them that was so often absent when we were at my dad’s.

Jake wasn’t too far from us, making out with the blond he had followed when we first arrived. He pulled away when he saw us sitting down and walked over.

“Grant,” Jake said putting his hand out to him. “Issy didn’t mention you were here.”

Grant reciprocated the handshake and then settled back next to me. I watched how Jake’s eyes appraised how close we were sitting and the way Grant possessively held me. Jake stiffened, and I knew exactly why. He and Grant had never gotten along. Jake was one to hold a grudge and had never forgotten how Grant scolded me the day they first met.

“Grant’s my babysitter for the evening,” I explained giving Jake the stare that screamed for him to butt out. “Having fun over there?”

“I could ask you the same question.” Jake didn’t release my eyes as he spoke. “Need I remind you of a little pact we made?”

“I’m not the one who broke it the first time,” I answered back in the same cold tone.

Grant looked between us, a silent battle obviously occurring. “Care to fill me in?”

“No,” we said in unison
, and Jake finally turned away.

“Fine. As long as you know what you’re doing,” Jake scoffed, dismissing the conversation. “Grant, can you make sure she get’s back to my apartment in one piece? I’ve got an invite that I don’t plan to turn down.” And with that Jake was leaving with the blond.

Grant shook his head in disgust. “I guess Jake’s over the girl you mentioned.”

“Not really, but he’ll be one step closer after tonight.” Grant’s head snapped around to stare at me. “What?” I asked when I noticed he was angry.

“Do you even hear yourself, Issy?”

“She didn’t want him. What’s he supposed to do?” I asked defensively.

“You know life isn’t always about self preservation. Sometimes people come into your life for a short period of time, but it’s always for a purpose. You don’t just dismiss them because they disappoint you or are no longer useful.”

I stood up angrily and crossed my arms. “You know, for a moment there, I actually thought you and I could have some fun. But here you go again, trying to change who I am. Listen, I’m
glad
Jake isn’t alone tonight, ok? I’m glad I’m not going to find him wasted in his bed again, heartbroken. I happen to appreciate self preservation.”

Grant wasn’t backing off and stood up to face off with me. “Call it whatever you want to, Issy, but in the cold morning light it’s all the same thing…denial. The sad thing is that you’ve been living in it for so long now that you don’t even recognize it.”

I felt my stomach start to knot as he stared at me. It was so infuriating how easily he could get to me with just a simple statement. “I’m going to the ladies room,” I snapped, grabbing my purse.

Grant caught my arm before I could storm off. “Don’t you dare leave this place without me.” I was ready to blow off his comment and walk away, but something in his eyes stopped me. There was a silent warning there that I found both intimidating and irresistible.

When he saw I understood, he let go of my arm. I practically fled to the bathroom, my hands shaking as I pulled out the flask in my purse. I had the equivalent of three shots before I finally calmed down and had my barriers firmly back in place. I fixed my hair and touched up my makeup before examining myself in the mirror. My emerald eyes were cold and distant. I smiled, exposing the poised lady I was taught to be, and headed back out to find Grant.

He sat stiffly on the couch, keeping his eyes peeled to the door. I watched how the women around him were noticing him and felt a twinge of something I hadn’t felt since I was thirteen years old. I pushed it down, reminding myself that I didn’t care and bounced over to him as if the conversation never happened.

“You ready to dance?” I asked sweetly when he stood to face me. I could tell he was prepared for another battle and seemed genuinely surprised by my change in attitude. That surprise turned to frustration as I stared blankly at him.

“No, you go ahead. I’m not at all interested in this person,” he said curtly. 

I let his words deflect off me and shrugged. “Suit yourself.” Then I was gone. I spotted a group of people I knew from school and joined them on the dance floor. They all welcomed me in with open arms and told me how much they had missed me. I felt the last few weeks fade into a distant memory as I absorbed myself back into my old world. A world where there was no judgment and no one was waiting around, trying to save me.

Two hours later, I had emptied my flask and exhausted myself on the dance floor, floating between so many partners that I had lost count. I was ready to go and went to search out Grant. He was still seated on the couch where I had left him, but was now engaged in conversation with a beautiful brunette whose legs were crossed towards him and whose hand flirtatiously touched his arm whenever she could. I studied him, waiting to see how he reacted to her, and smiled when I saw his face. He looked antsy and slightly annoyed until he looked up and saw me standing there. Without a second thought, he stood up and walked towards me. Before I could say a word, I felt his hand on my neck as he pulled me in to kiss him. It was hard and deliberate, almost angry, and I could taste the alcohol in his mouth. So much for him not drinking.

The kiss ended as abruptly as it had begun, and he put his forehead to mine. “Can we leave yet, or are you planning to torture me all night?”

I didn’t say a word, just headed to the door with Grant in tow behind me. Neither one of us were in any condition to drive, so I hailed a taxi that had us back to Jake’s within minutes. Grant was stumbling to the door and it felt odd to see him in that condition. He was always so controlled and calm. The minute I opened the door, he fell straight on Jake’s couch and moaned.

I shut it behind us and got Grant some water and aspirin, feeling very much like I was stuck in opposite day. He sat up to swallow the pills and water, and then put his head in his hands. “I never drink like that.”

“Well there’s a first time for everything,” I said as I kicked off my shoes and set my purse on the chair. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell my father.”

“I don’t want us to be like this.” He glanced up at me, and his face looked pained.

I walked over to him and kneeled down, taking his face in my hands and looking him right in the eye so there was no confusion. “Grant, there is no US. If tonight showed anything, it’s that we are totally incompatible.”

He started laughing and pushed my hands off his face. “You are such a liar, Issy. I don’t even think you recognize the truth anymore. We’re so compatible that it terrifies you because I won’t put up with your crap.” His voice had lost all humor at this point and he grabbed my arms trapping me in front of him. “I saw you dance with every single one of them. I saw the way you manipulated them. You and I both know that’s not what you want.”

“You’re drunk, Grant. Go to bed.” I was struggling to get out of his grip, but he wouldn’t let go, his eyes begging me to give him some kind of validation.

“Well, I have to hand it to you. You exceeded your worst tonight,” he finally said, completely defeated. I felt his hands drop from my arms as he fell back against the couch, closing his eyes in the process. 

Tears stung my eyes as I watched him sleep, resisting every urge to caress his hair and tell him I was sorry. I had hurt him on purpose. I just didn’t realize how much seeing it would hurt me too. As much as I tried, as much as I fought it every day, it was no use. I genuinely cared about him.

I lost count of how many minutes I sat watching him sleep, but it was long enough to memorize every part of his face. I noticed a small scar under his chin and wondered where he got it. I also noticed that his eyebrows were just slightly darker than his hair and that he would periodically smile in his sleep. I let my fingertips slowly explore his face, running the tips over every section I had just examined. When he shifted under my touch, I quickly pulled back, not wanting to wake him.

It was 3:00 a.m. when Jake finally came through the door
, and I hushed him so he wouldn’t wake up Grant.

“You still up?” he whispered, looking shocked. “And sober too?” He then noticed Grant laid out on the couch, fully clothed, and arched an eyebrow.

I pointed for Jake to follow me up the stairs. He grabbed us some waters and then pulled an extra blanket and pillow out of the closet.  I was sitting with my legs crossed leaning up against his headboard when he finally joined me, taking a seat right next to me.

“Did you have a good time tonight?” I asked once he was settled.

He just shrugged and handed me the water bottle. “It was fine.”

“Not as therapeutic as you had hoped, huh?”

Jake just sighed and leaned his head back against the headboard. “I think it’s going to take a lot more than a one night stand to get over her.” He looked back at me, noticing the pain in my face. “You want to tell me what happened?”

“I happened. What else?” I admitted with a sarcastic laugh.

“You care about him, don’t you?”

“I think I always have, Jake. It’s been seven years now, and fighting the attraction doesn’t seem to get any easier.”