Shadows in Me (10 page)

Caitlin

I couldn’t believe how I had fucked up my life.  In such a short amount of time my life has made a complete 360° turn. Before Christmas I was engaged, in love with the man of my dreams, and in such a short amount of time it had all fallen apart.  I had run away from my home and had been locked up in Brent’s apartment, away from the world.  He had been super amazing with looking after me, I knew it must have been hard for him, he had a whole new life in San Diego, and then I came along to mess it all up.  He spent most of his mornings with me, but he had work to do downstairs.  As it was, Cassy wasn’t very fond of me, and then there I was stepping on her turf. 

I had asked Brent if there was anything going on between the two of them but he was adamant that even though he was attracted to her, they were just friends.  I knew that he had feelings for me too, and that me being there had given him hope, but my heart belonged to Vincent, all ten million of the broken pieces. 

I had spoken to Heather and she had told me that Alexis had left.  She had never come back to work after that night at the Club.  They couldn’t get a hold of her, her phone seemed to be disconnected.  It was as if it was her entire mission to fuck things up between Vincent and I, and once that was done, she just vanished.  Heather also said that Vincent denied sleeping with Alexis, he admitted to taking her home, but said that once they got there he had changed his mind and sent her home. 

I didn’t know if I believed him, after what I had seen at the club, how could I ever forgive him for that?  Besides, the fact that he had even thought about doing it was enough for me.  I thought the betrayal from Hunter was bad enough, but then this happened.  I knew that I would always love him, but I didn’t know if I could ever forgive him. 

“Good morning Princess, I brought you some coffee.”  Brent placed the cup of coffee on the table next to me.  The aroma of the coffee hit my nose and immediately I felt sick.

“Get out of my way!”  I jumped out of bed making a bee line for the toilet.  After about five minutes of puking my lungs out I was finally able to unwrap myself from the toilet seat.  I really needed to get to a doctor; I needed to find out what was wrong with me. 

“Hey, are you ok? You’re really starting to worry me.”  Brent walked into the bathroom and helped me to my feet. 

“I don’t know, I think it’s time I go see a doctor, but my doctor’s back in Longbeach and I don’t know if I’m ready for that just yet.”  I was scared of going back, everything about Longbeach reminded me of Vincent, and the fact that we were no longer together. 

“I could ask Cassy to help us out; she’s been staying here her whole life, so I assume she’s got one.”  Brent pulled out his phone and started dialling her number. 

I put my hand over his, stopping him.  “Do you think it’s a good idea to ask Cassy for help? I’m her least favourite person at the moment.”

Brent looked at me with a puzzled look in his eyes.  “What are you talking about? Cassy’s my friend and so are you.  What I’m doing for you I would do for her in a heartbeat, she knows you need me now. I told her what’s going on and she’s even offered her help.”

“Oh, really!  Wow I didn’t expect that.  When did you speak to her?”

“The first night you were here, I phoned her from the car on my way back.  I’m sorry, but I told her what had happened, I needed a woman’s opinion, I didn’t know what to do.”

“I can’t believe you told her.  I’m not sure I’m too happy about it.  Now even more people know how fucked up my life really was.” I turned and walked over to the window.  It had started raining again.  The weather certainly wasn’t doing anything to help lift my mood. 

“I’m sorry, Princess; I didn’t mean it like that.”  Brent came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. 

I was at a loss for words; my brain was turning into porridge and my heart into mush.  Brent being so close to me wasn’t good; I could feel my body melting into him, depending on him for comfort, mistaking his friendship for more than it was.  I needed to get away before it was too late and we both ended up getting hurt. 

“I need Heather!”

Brent let me go and I turned around to face him. 

“What?”  He looked confused.

“I really need Heather, I think she’ll know what to do. I’ve been away from home for far too long. If I go back I believe she’ll be able to keep Vincent away from me. I really don’t ever want to see him again.  Brent, we both know it’s not good for me to be here.  I have feelings for you and I know you have feelings for me, but it’s not the right time.  I’m only going to hurt you, and you mean too much to me, I can’t let that happen.  I hope you understand.”  I lifted my hand to touch his face but he just turned and walked out the room.  I heard the front door slam.  

I pulled my phone out my bag and texted Heather. 

Me:  Come and get me please.

Heather:  On my way.

I was sure I was going to get a long winded speech from her, but I didn’t care.  I packed all my belongings as quickly as I could.  I needed to find Brent before I left, I needed to make sure things were ok between us.  Next to Heather, he was my best friend and I couldn’t lose him too. I just couldn’t offer him anything more at that stage, I hoped he understood. 

I walked up to the window and saw his truck still standing in the same spot, which meant he must have been downstairs.  I placed my bags next to the door and walked down to Dukes. 

I pushed the doors open and in the far corner of the pub Cassy and Brent were sitting at a table, she had her hand placed over his on the table and they were talking; or rather she was doing all the talking.   He had his head bowed and was looking at their hands.  I slowly made my way towards them, not too sure if it was the right thing to do.  As I got closer, Cassy looked up at me, for a second I think she was contemplating what to do.  Then she smiled at me and said something to Brent.  His head snapped up and he looked directly at me.  Cassy patted his hand and got up from the table, indicating for me to sit down. 

“I think, I’ll leave you guys to talk.”  Cassy placed her hand on my shoulder and walked away. 

“I phoned Heather, she’s coming to pick me up.”  I was nervous, my heart aching. 

“I know, she phoned me.”  Brent looked me straight in the eyes; I could almost feel the pain I saw there.

“I’m sorry Brent.” I said softly.

“For what Caitlin?”

“For hurting you.”

“I don’t know what to say to you, I don’t know how to explain to you why I’m upset.  I knew you could never love me, but I was hoping I could protect you from people like him.  I just don’t understand you going back to him after everything he’s done to you.”

“I’m not going back to him, that ship has sailed.  Yes, I love him with my whole heart, but it’s over.  I’m doing this because if I stay, I would love you for the wrong reasons and that’s not fair on either of us.”  I clutched my hands together on the top of the table.  I really did love Brent, but this wasn’t our time, and if what I suspected was true, how could he love me if I was carrying another man’s child.  I was hoping it wasn’t possible. I hadn’t missed one day of my pill, not even in my fragile state, it was just something that was part of my daily routine.  

Brent placed his hands over mine, they felt so warm.  “I just don’t want you to get hurt anymore, I want to protect you. I failed you before, and I just don’t know if I can go through all that again.”  I could hear the hurt in his voice

“You haven’t failed me Brent! Because of you I am here today, you’ve saved my life more than once, and I don’t think I would have gotten through this hell if it wasn’t for you.  I just need to go sort myself out; right now I’m no good to anyone.” 

“I won’t say that I understand, but ok, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.  Just always remember that I’m here, I’ll keep tabs on you and look out for you.  You mean the world to me Princess, never forget that.”  He got up from his chair and walked around to table to me.  I got up and over his shoulder I could see Cassy watching us. 

“You will always be my best friend, and you’re always welcome to come and see me when you feel you need to get away.”  I was about to hug him.

“Oh! So now he’s your best friend! I leave you in his care for one week and you’ve forgotten all about me.”  Heather walked up to the table. I could see the humour in her eyes.

“Your timing is as perfect as ever, you don’t miss a beat, you got here quickly.”  I turned and hugged her instead.  I was glad she had finally arrived. 

“I was already on my way when you phoned.  Is it too early for a drink, or do you want to hit the road right away?”  She looked from me to Brent, I could almost hear the wheels turning in her head.

“Brent and I have just said our goodbyes; I think it’s time to go.” I turned to him and gave him a kiss on the cheek.  I needed to get away before I changed my mind. 

When I got to Heather’s car she wasn’t behind me, I could only imagine what she must have been saying to Brent inside.  I needed to find my own answers and quickly, but I didn’t want to do it with Brent around.  After fifteen minutes Heather finally made her appearance. 

“You took your time, what the hell did you say to him inside.”  I crossed my arms in front to me and looked at Heather. 

“That’s for me to know and you to never find out.”  Heather got back in the car and waited for me to be settled before she started talking again. 

“So, where to?” She asked.

“Home and on the way maybe we could stop at a chemist?” I looked straight ahead, I didn’t even look in her direction.  I was afraid that she would see the worry in my eyes. 

“Sure. Do you think by the end of the day, we could sit down and have a good chat about what’s been happening over the past few months?  I feel that we’ve drifted apart, and I really need my bestie back.”

“Yeah, we need to talk; I’ve missed you so much.”  I blinked a few times trying to fight back the tears. I placed my hand on her leg and squeezed it hard. 

“Good, now let’s get going.” 

We didn’t speak much the rest of the way home. I was wrapped up in the mess of what my life had become, and I think Heather realised that I would talk when I was ready.  The radio was the only sound in the car. 
The Heart wants what it wants by Selena Gomez
started playing.

I leaned my head against the window, looking out, but not really seeing anything. 

“Heather, I think I’m pregnant.”  I could not hold the tears back anymore, I started sobbing. 

Heather pulled the car to the side of the road.  She got out of the car, opened the door and pulled me out. 

“OMG, are you sure?”

“No, that’s why I want to stop at the chemist. But my gut is telling me I am.” 

“Oh Caitlin, I am so happy for you.”

“No you’re not, stop lying, you’re just as terrified of this as I am. This is totally fucked up.”

“Don’t hit me, but I need to ask, do you know who the Dad is?” Heather stepped back, almost expecting me to hit her. 

“How could you ask me that, I never cheated on Vincent.”

“I’m sorry; I just needed to make sure. You need to tell him.” 

“No, I don’t want to tell him, we’re over.  Besides, I still need to make sure.”

“You can’t hide this, he’s going to find out eventually….  Or are you not planning to keep it?”

“I don’t know, let’s just find out first.”  We got back in the car and drove the rest of the way in silence, both of us lost in our thoughts. 

Heather offered to go into the chemist for me, and when she came out she was carrying a big brown paper bag.  She must have bought every brand of pregnancy test she could find. 

I took my time unpacking, trying to buy some time, preparing myself for what I knew was going to be the outcome.  I tried five different tests, and every single one had the same result. 

“I’m fucked.”

Caitlin

“I’ve set up an appointment with the doctor for this afternoon; do you think you can come with me?” I was sipping my morning coffee.  After the initial shock yesterday, I was finally able to deal with my reality. 

“Sure hun, just text me the address I’ll meet you there, or do you want me to drive you?” 

“No, it’s ok you can meet me there.  Are you going in to work this morning?” 

“Yip. We’ve got a meeting at eleven with the new investors; I can pick you up afterwards.” 

“No its fine, I think I need some time to myself before we go, just promise me you won’t say anything to Vincent.” 

“It’s not my secret to tell Caitlin, but you’re going to have to tell him.”  Heather was very concerned. 

“We’ll see.”  Was all I said.

Heather finished her coffee and walked out the door.  I sat back and looked at all that was around me, everything reminded me of Vincent.  He had been with me since I had moved in.  I wasn’t too sure how I felt about it, on the one hand it hurt to know that he was no longer a part of it, but on the other I needed the father of my child to be close by.  I would never love another man the way I loved him. 

I put my iPod on its docking station and turned the music up.  Music had always had the ability to help me forget my sorrows.  I danced through the house cleaning and sorting things out.  Heather and I had spoken about it the night before, and she decided that she was going to put off her big move with Cole until I was settled, and then we would decide together what to do.  I knew it sounded selfish, but I needed her.  Once the doctor had confirmed the inevitable, I would decide if I wanted to keep the baby or not.  Call me a sissy, but this was just something I couldn’t do on my own. 

Earlier that morning I had received a message from Brent, just to check up on me and make sure all was ok.  He said he would come visit me on the weekend, just to check on me. 

I was glad we left things the way we did, I really needed him as a friend, and if I had stayed I would have fucked that up as well. 

I lost track of time, before I knew it my phone was buzzing, reminding me that it was time to leave for my appointment with the doctor.  I wished that I had asked Heather to fetch me, my nerves were shot. 

My doctor’s appointment went as expected.  She went through the routine questions and then she did an ultrasound, she squirted some cold jelly stuff onto my tummy before doing the scan.   

“Well Miss Steward you see that little blimp over there?” She pointed to the monitor.  “That, is your baby.” 

“And that sound you’re hearing right now, that’s your baby’s tiny little heart beating.  Let’s do some measurements to see how far along you are.  Mmmm…it looks like you’re about twelve weeks along.  That means baby will be due mid-August.”  She printed a picture and handed it to me. 

“Doctor, I’m a little puzzled, I was on a contraceptive, and I never missed a pill?”  It was bugging me how this could have happened. 

“It sometimes just happens, were you on any other medication during this time?” The doctor was making notes and waited for me to answer. 

“OMG, yes I had flu and took some antibiotics.” 

“Well that could have cancelled out your pill.” 

“I see.” Was all I could answer.

“I take it this wasn’t planned?”

“No, it wasn’t.” 

“Miss Steward, there are options available to you, just ask my assistant at the front desk.  I’ll give you a prescription for vitamins and some folic acid in the meantime to help with the pregnancy.  Your next appointment is in 4 weeks, but if you decide not to have this baby, you will need to have made your decision before then. ” 

After seeing my little baby on the ultrasound, there was no doubt in my mind.  I was going to keep it; he/she was part of me and part of Vincent.  I might not have had him in my life anymore, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to give up this baby. 

“I’ll see you in four weeks,” I told her, “it might not have been planned, but it’s my baby.” I took Heathers hand and we walked out the room.  My life had just been turned upside down, I was in shock, but this baby was my priority. 

“Wow, not the reaction I expected, but a good one.”  Heather looked at me sideways. 

“I know, I think I surprised myself. But seeing my baby and its little heart beating so fast, I fell in love, there’s no way I could get rid of it.” 

“I am very happy to hear that, I promise I will be there for you all the way, you won’t be alone.  Now the magical question, are you going to tell him?”

“No, I’m not.  He made it very clear he was done with me, so what’s the point.  I will raise my baby on my own.”  I shrugged my shoulders and walked to the car. 

“Ok, I can’t say I agree with you, but I will respect it.  So now when are you going to tell your parents?”

“I think my mother knows already, in fact I think she knew before I did.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I don’t know how to explain it, just something she said to me when I was there.  I think the best thing to do is to go see them.”

“I love you, but that one you’re going to have to do on your own, your mother scares me.” She grinned.

“Oh nice, at the first sign of danger and you’re abandoning me.”  

“It’s not abandon, it’s …..”

“Whatever.  Anyway, I think it will be fine.  I don’t think my Dad will be too thrilled about the idea of Vincent knocking me up, but my daddy will protect me.” 

“Ha ha, very funny, if your dad kills him, I won’t have a boss which means I won’t have a job.  Then what?” 

As much as we were joking about it, it was breaking my heart that Vincent wouldn’t be a part of this journey.  I wanted him back more than anything in the world, but if he came back now, I would never know if it was for me or for the baby. 

Our drive home was spent giggling about the upcoming changes to my body and baby names, and trying to figure out if it was going to be a boy or a girl.  This was a new journey for me, and I could choose to cry about it or I could make it one of the best times of my life.  I wasn’t just responsible for myself anymore, but also the brand new little life growing in side of me. 

“Heather, I’m scared.”  I said as we got out of the car.

“I know babes, let’s get inside then we can talk.” Heather was looking at something behind us, and when I turned around I saw him.  Vincent was standing at the door of Simplicity.  He was watching us.  As a reflex, I placed my hand on my belly, and as soon as I realised what I had done, I turned and walked into the house. 

“I need something to drink.”  I walked to the coffee machine and was about to pour myself a cup. 

“I’ll have that thank you.”  She took the cup from my hand.  “You can have a cup of tea.”  I snapped around to face her. 

“You can’t touch my coffee, I need my coffee.” I pouted.

“According to these papers, coffee isn’t good for the baby.” 

“Heather don’t joke, I’m not in the mood.”

“I’m not joking, look here.”  Heather passed me the pamphlets she had taken from the doctor’s rooms. 

Sure as hell, no coffee! How was I going to make it through this pregnancy without coffee? 

‘NO NO NO”

“It’s ok I’ll enjoy it for the both of us.” 

“I hate you right now.” 

“I know you do, but I love you lots, and someone has to look out for you.” She put the kettle on and made me a cup of chamomile tea. 

We sat down at the kitchen table drinking our coffee and tea when the front door opened.  I had forgotten Cole had his own set of keys. 

“Hey there ladies.” Cole walked up to Heather and kissed her on the head. 

“Hi baby, missing me already?  You guys done for the day?” She asked him.

“Yes we’re done. I just wanted to let you know that Vincent and I are going to gym first, so I’ll meet you at my place later.  You ok with that?”

“Of course.  But I’ll be staying with Caitlin for a few days, she’s been away for far too long, we have loads of catching up to do.  Hope you understand?” I could see Heather was torn between being with him and being with me. 

“Heather I’ll be ok, you can go home.” 

“No, I want to stay with you.”  She shot me a look.

“Ok then ladies, I’m off.  See you tomorrow Babes.” 

Heather walked Cole to the front door.  I could hear them exchanging words, but Heather had made up her mind, and him being upset with her for wanting to stay here wasn’t going to change it.

I needed to get cleaned up; I took my cup of chamomile tea upstairs.  I thought that a nice relaxing bubble bath would be perfect.  I started running my bath and while I waited I walked to the window. 

Vincent was standing by his car, he was dressed in white gym shorts that hung low on his hips, and was wearing a Hulk T-Shirt.   Oh god, seeing him there brought back memories from when we first met.  That first day I had seen him on the beach, the way he had taken my breath away.  Oh god I missed him, even after everything that had happened I still loved him.  As if he could feel someone’s eyes on him, he looked around till his eyes found mine.  I couldn’t break away; I was captured by him once again.  We stood like that for some time, until I heard the door slam behind me, I looked around to find Heather standing there, her make-up was smeared and she was angry. 

I turned back to the window, but he was gone. 

“What are you doing by the window?” Heather walked up to me and looked out the window. 

“MMMM…so you saw him standing at his car didn’t you?” 

“Yes.  Why were you and Cole fighting?” I put my arm around her shoulder and we walked to the bed. 

“He was giving me shit about staying here with you, and then we had a fight about Dickhead.” 

“Heather, please don’t make my problems yours.  You love Cole and this isn’t fair on him.” 

“You are my priority now and I love you girlie, I’m not going anywhere.  So, you’re stuck with me, like it or not.  Now, how about that bath?” She diverted the subject.

Oh shit, I’d forgotten I had the water running. I jumped up and ran to the bathroom, luckily the water hadn’t over flowed yet, but it was close.  I tried to get the plug out to let some of the water out, but the water was scolding hot.  Besides forgetting about the bath, I had also forgotten to put the cold water on.  I was such a dumbass. 

I walked out the room to find Heather fast asleep on my bed.  I pulled the quilt over her, and went downstairs.  It would be at least half an hour before I would be able to bath. 

I made myself a bowl of popcorn and poured a glass of grape juice.  Hell, if I wasn’t allowed to have wine anymore, grape juice would have to do.  I was a crappy alternative, but I would do what was best for my baby.  I switched the telly on, my favourite red headed Scotsman was on.  I pulled the blanket over my legs and sat back eating my popcorn. 

It must have been three hours or so later when I heard my phone ringing; it was upstairs in the room with Heather.  There was no way I was going to get to it in time so I just left it. I wasn’t really in the mood to talk to anyone anyway.  The next thing there was a knock on the front door.  Who the hell could it have been at that time of the night?  I got up and looked through the window first before I opened.  It was my mother!