Shadows of the Past (16 page)

‘Oh, Renata, Renata, if only you had told me this before … you should not have carried it all this time … ’ Alva held on to her once more, soothing her, running her hands through the dark hair.

‘I couldn’t tell him. If I told him the truth I would have to tell him what she had been doing. I couldn’t do that!’

‘I understand, but Renata you need to when you are stronger. And you need to talk to someone professional who will make it go away for you.’

Renata looked up at Alva, studying her, showing that she was wondering if she had done the right thing. Alva knew the girl had to be feeling vulnerable and somehow Alva had pressed a button that had made her release it all.

‘I’ve been doing stupid things,’ Renata said, and then she unbuttoned the cuff on her stylish shirt and showed the cuts up her arm.

‘Oh, Renata, my darling … you have punished yourself enough without this. How long has this been going on?’

‘A few months. I’m a freak at university, no one has these feelings inside them, and no one’s been through it all. I don’t think I can stay there; I can’t get on with anyone. And now … now is not the time, what with what has happened but I can’t go on … I’m sorry, Alva, but I can’t.’

Thoughts flashed through Alva’s mind. She remembered someone else who had had this problem. A girl at school, she cut herself and one day went too far and was rushed to hospital. She never returned to school. Renata’s mental state was as bad if not worse. She did not suffer only from a low opinion of herself, nor did she want to seize attention, but she wanted to punish herself.

Alva talked to her about it, not showing how upset and worried she was. Her concern was for Renata and her inability to see how as a child she was an innocent in it all. The older women had used her for their own selfish ends. Yet at the same time she realized she must be careful about what she said about the girl’s mother. If she condemned her it could alienate Renata further. It took all the diplomatic skills she had for her to soothe and comfort Renata and yet not condemn anyone in particular.

‘I think we need to talk to your father,’ Alva said. ‘I know you think he won’t understand but he will … ’

‘I know he’ll understand but I don’t want him to know what those women did … don’t you see how hurt he will be?’

‘Renata, if your father had some idea about your mother he is not going to be hurt by learning even more about her, not now. That has all gone, it’s in the long ago past. The thing that will really hurt him is if you keep this thing to yourself. He will want to help you, Renata, to show you how much he loves you.’

‘Do you think so? He won’t think I’m doing this to get back at you.’

‘Of course not, Renata. Besides, that is not the reason, is it?’

Renata mulled over the question. ‘I didn’t want you back here, I told him that. I said if he got back with you he would lose me’

‘Well he hasn’t lost you, has he? You’re here now and you are sharing your problems.’

‘But he has enough to contend with … there’s the threat to you. Isn’t that enough for anyone?’

‘We can handle both, Renata. The threat to me is a mystery that we might never solve, but we can solve your problem, that is what is important at this moment.’

‘I can’t tell him … but if you tell him — ’ She stopped. ‘Then I won’t be angry with you.’

*

Alva left them alone the next day. She asked Carlo to go with her to the mainland. It would have been good to have gone without him because she really needed the time alone, but that kind of foolishness, she knew, was forbidden to her for the moment.

She went to Primo, the small department store, and had coffee at the café. Afterwards she went around the store looking for gifts. Christmas was a week away and nothing had been organized. She could not remember a Christmas in Santa Caterina. Luca told her that during her last Christmas there she had been ill and in bed most of the time.

She thought of how he had taken her news about Renata. He had been so calm and accepting. She knew he had to be shocked and that he had to feel guilty too that he had not picked up on exactly how low his daughter’s spirits had become. Yet he handled it perfectly. There was no anger — there was just acceptance and if he did not quite understand how his daughter had got to such a state, there was no condemnation or accusation.

Already wheels were put in motion and after the Christmas holiday, Renata had agreed to visit a psychiatrist with her father. At the moment she was adamant she could not return to university and so Luca had agreed to that as well.

Alva worried whether she could have helped Renata more when she had first been at the palazzo. Perhaps if she had not been so ill with the pregnancy then she would have worked harder at winning the girl around. Yet everything was strange to her at that time.

There were other things on her mind, too. As she looked at the cashmere sweater she thought would suit her stepdaughter, the momentous thing that had popped into her mind came to her again. Renata’s unburdening herself, had, if not knocked it out of her mind, made it impossible to brood on it. It seemed so trivial in comparison to what the young girl had been through, yet it was not trivial. It answered a good few questions.

She had been with Luca a year. Their love affair, after an initial reluctance on her part, was known to everyone. At first she had not wanted people to know but Luca had persuaded her that they were both free of ties and they had nothing to be ashamed of.

She did not know whose fault it was — or maybe it was neither of their faults — it was just one of those things. She found herself pregnant. That was why he had married her.

Did Luca think she had tricked him into marriage? That she had used the age-old gamble — but it could have failed. He could have said he would accept the child but not matrimony. If only she could remember the whys and wherefores. Instead there was a void between knowing that he had had to marry her, and what he felt about it. She could not remember what was said, or even how he reacted. She just recalled that she was pregnant
before
the marriage.

Now with his attention being focused on his daughter she did not want to question him. It would come into her mind, it had to … these intervals now, when forgotten things came into her mind, were becoming more frequent. She had to be patient, but it was oh, so difficult, when she longed to know
everything
.

Arriving back at the palazzo she was met with silence. Nothing seemed to stir, there were not even any servants preparing dinner, or going about any tasks they had to do. Searching the downstairs she found each room empty. There was laughter from the kitchen so the staff had to be on afternoon break.

Going up the stairs she went first to Luca’s bedroom. Opening the door she saw him, he had not heard her coming in. He was standing at the window looking out, a hand at the back of his neck as if he were suffering pain.

Murmuring his name she went to him. He turned and greeted her but there was a far-away look in his eyes — then, as she slid an arm on his shoulder, it was as if the gesture had chased it away and he smiled down at her.

‘Did you have a nice day?’

‘So, so, I was just buying some gifts. How are you, Luca, that is all that matters?’

‘Oh,’ he shrugged, ‘you know … ’

‘No, I don’t, that’s why I asked. Where’s Renata?’

‘Resting in her room. She’s exhausted; all this self-flagellation has completely destroyed her. I knew she felt guilty about the crash — I thought it was because she had lived and Silvia had died. I had no idea she was blaming herself.’

‘How could you know if she didn’t tell you? But she wanted to protect you, Luca.’

‘Do you think I did not know? I wish I could have cared but Silvia and I were over, Alva, if we ever were something. I did not care what Silvia did, only that she was discreet. I had not realized what she was doing to Renata and that makes me feel miserable. That she was doing that to her daughter … ’ Luca was angry for a moment, then, as if he realized that it was nothing to do with Alva, he shook the anger aside. ‘I can help her now, and you were wonderful when she told you, Alva. You have not lost your gift for helping people out of tight spots … that is what Tony used to say. If you want out of a tight spot then Alva is the girl to see the way.’

‘I don’t know how,’ she said. ‘Luca … ’

‘Yes?’

Yet how could she bring it up now when there were important things on his mind? The man was tormented about his daughter and yet she was going to go on about whether he felt forced to marry her or not. That was long ago and mattered only to herself.

‘Nothing … I’m just pleased I could be there. But feeling about me as she did, I can’t understand why Renata would have confided in me.’

‘You were there when she needed someone. I think perhaps you two could have made a go of it were you given time and had things not been so … so miserable … ’

Ah, she thought,
miserable
. The key word,
miserable
. That was it, they were miserable in their marriage. That was why Renata had been unhappy; she had more than likely sensed that things were going badly between her father and his new wife. The young girl must have thought, here we go again … I am going to spiral down into hell once more!

Renata was quiet at dinner although Luca and Alva gave her all their attention. Now and again she came out of her monosyllabic answers to share something with them. Her liking for a movie or a book she had recently read. This little spurt of normality was a hopeful sign but they both knew it was too soon to settle back. Renata would need a lot of care and attention lavished on her if she were ever to feel worthy again.

‘Renata, do you like to ride? Perhaps we could go riding tomorrow, would you like that?’

‘Yes, perhaps,’ the girl said, looking at her father, then back to Alva once more. ‘But I do not ride as well as you, Alva.’

‘I can’t believe that.’

‘No, it’s true,’ Luca said. ‘You’re a very skilled horsewoman, Alva. I remember you telling me that when you were at college and on break you used to take people on hacking holidays, as well as give riding lessons.’

‘My, I hadn’t realized I was that good.’

‘Well, you are, and I will go with you, if it isn’t raining. I don’t like being out in the rain,’ Renata said.

‘I think I don’t mind it,’ Alva mulled it over in her mind. ‘But being English I’m probably used to it.’

After Renata had gone to her room and Luca had announced he had some work to catch up on in the library, Alva decided to go up early and take a leisurely bath. She went past Renata’s room and wondered whether to look in on her stepdaughter or if the girl was asleep. Putting her ear to the door she was surprised to hear the faint mumble of voices. It was not that Renata was on the phone because there were two voices although it was impossible to distinguish whose voices they were.

Curious and wanting to be certain that Renata was all right, Alva knocked on the door.

The girl called. ‘Who is it?’

‘It’s Alva, Renata, are you all right.’

‘I’m fine, Alva —
buona notte
.’

‘
Buona notte
, Renata,’ Alva answered. When she reached her own room Alva had already made up her mind that Renata either was watching the television or had on the radio. Just because she did not have a television in her bedroom, it did not mean that Renata did not.

*

Renata came and found her the following morning to say she did not feel like riding but preferred to rest. Alva understood and after finding Carlo they went across to the stables and saddled their horses.

They took their usual ride down to the beach, racing the tide and enjoying the exhilaration. It was cold but fresh, with a sun that, although it was winter, had the hint of spring in it. ‘I love the climate here,’ she confessed to Carlo.

‘I do also. It is better than in Firenze where it can be so cold in winter and so hot in summer.’

‘You’re from Firenze?’ she asked.

‘No, but I have worked there. Did you forget, Contessa, that I am from the north? I did tell you.’

‘Of course you did. Sorry, I’ve had a lot on my mind. I just love Italy, I always have. I do remember I used to come here with my friend Chloe and her parents. They had a house in Chianti … ’ She felt a warm rush. There a memory, something from her past had come naturally into her mind. ‘Her father used to paint. He worked in advertising I think, yes I am sure, but in the summer at the house, he did what he dreamed of doing. Painting. We were so happy there, we had such freedom.’

‘That is why you speak Italian so well, Contessa.’

‘Well yes, I think so. They didn’t offer Italian at the school I was at but I used to have private lessons with this wonderful old lady. Then the holidays with Chloe helped tremendously. I think I studied it at university too, but I can’t remember exactly … it really is such a pain that I can’t remember certain things and other things … I think it’s the little things that I remember … the really important things … ’ Her voice trailed away. However, it was not quite true for didn’t she remember Luca, and he was important. Luca had been a momentous happening in her life. However, she said none of this to Carlo, realizing she had probably said too much anyway.