shaede assassin 05 - shadows at midnight (26 page)

Where in the hell would I find another place like that? I loved Belltown but I wasn’t about to stuff myself into an apartment building and share my walls with other people. And likewise, I wasn’t going to move out of the city to some cute little house on the lake. When I found the son of a bitch responsible for blowing up my building, I was going to draw
blood
.

I looked up to find Xander quietly studying me. The intensity of his stare put me on edge and I averted my gaze. I had a feeling he was waiting for the perfect time to tell me a bunch of shit I didn’t want to hear. “Shouldn’t you be in your room, brooding?”

It was totally bitchy, but I had to say something to erase the concern from his regal face. I was too damned angry to shoulder his pity. Raif looked at me like he was about to jump right out of his skin. And Asher rolled his eyes, his own expression just short of a slap to his forehead. My near-death had coaxed Xander from his hole and apparently everyone was afraid that at the slightest twitch he’d see his shadow and burrow back down. I shot them both an angry glare.
So glad that my personal tragedy could help everyone out
.

“I should go.” I’d told Ty I’d wait a few hours before hunting him down but I was antsy as hell and not doing anyone—including myself—a damned bit of good here. Honestly, if the Synod wanted me dead, I suspected that not even Raif and Xander could protect me from their wrath. Besides, I wasn’t interested in bringing my shit to their door yet again. This issue with the Jinn involved Tyler, and me. Period. From the corner of my eye, I caught Xander as he gave his brother a look. Raif jerked his chin at Asher and the two of them left the room as though someone had lit their pants on fire. So much for renouncing his crown. Xander could claim he didn’t want to rule, but it was in his blood to boss people around. He could no less rule than the moon couldn’t rise.

“If you stay with him, you’ll die Darian. Or worse.”

Looked like Xander was going to cut right through the bullshit. What in the hell could be worse than death? Oh yeah, I’d just lived through torture that had been almost as bad as dying. I guess the possibilities were endless.

“We’re bound, Xander.” My reasoning might have seemed thin to him but to me, it was everything. “I don’t expect you to understand what that means.”

“He’s broken their rules,” Xander said gravely. “Neither of us can understand what that means.”

“What do you know?” I was tired of chasing my tail and hitting wall after wall. “Either tell me or shut the hell up about it.”

Xander’s lucid gaze grew wild and I sensed that I’d lost him to memories that he would never entirely forget. “You were mine once.”

His words were as wistful as the illusions that had created them. “That wasn’t me and you know it wasn’t.”

“What did she show you?” He faced me and his eyes cleared for the barest moment.

“She used my fears against me. My insecurities and doubts.” Talking about it caused a lump to rise in my throat. I didn’t want to revisit any of it, but pretending none of it ever happened probably wasn’t healthy either. “Used the people I loved to torture me. Made me face my guilt. She lured me down the rabbit hole until I believed everything I saw. Everything I felt. And then, she pulled the rug out from under me.”

Xander looked away. “She did the same to me. Padma…” He swallowed, cleared his throat. “Used my desires against me. She lured me into submission. Gave me everything I’d ever wanted before she revealed herself to me and promised that I’d live the rest of my life as her whore.” His jaw squared and the air thickened with tension. “She collared me. Paraded me in front of her subjects. Bled me. She cut away my flesh and made me watch as she feasted upon it.” Tears welled in his eyes and my heart clenched. “She beat me, starved me, made me revisit all of the many mistakes of my life. But none of the torture or the humiliation could even hold a candle to pain I felt when I realized that I’d never truly had you. It cut me to my soul.”

I reached out and took his hand. I’d never wanted to hurt him. “If I could take it all back, I would.”

“Everything you thought you knew about Tyler is a lie,” Xander said gravely. The deep timbre of his voice, as smooth as velvet, wrapped me in a warm embrace. “He’s deceived you, Darian.”

“And you know the truth, huh?” My anger mounted. I pulled my hand from his and shot up out of my chair. Agitated, I paced the confines of Xander’s living room in an effort to calm the fuck down. Tyler had been the one constant in my life. He’d never once let me down. With a couple of words, Xander threatened to collapse my entire world.

“I know enough,” Xander replied.

“What was your bargain with Tyler?” Knowing Xander, he’d tried to tip the scales in his favor when he and Ty negotiated the labyrinth to get to me.

“When I asked Adare to release him from PNT custody, it was with the full knowledge that I would be trading my life for yours. I accepted that. You killed Azriel at my behest. You got involved with the Cambion at my behest. I brought Padma’s wrath down on you. I was prepared to lay down my life for yours.” I met Xander’s gaze and found not an ounce of guile. “Because I love you.”

“Xander, you know I love you, too. But I’ve already told you: I’m not in love with you any more than you’re in love with me.” We’d been over it again and again. And though I knew there was a measure of affection between us—how could there not be?—he wasn’t in love with me. “What was your bargain with Ty? I think I deserve to know.”

“Promise to stay here with me and consider it done.”

Coming here had been a monumental mistake. “You can take your slick deals and shove them right up your high and mighty ass.”

“He’s stolen something from them, Darian.” Xander said with a resigned sigh. “And they won’t stop until they get it back.”

I twisted the ring on my thumb. I refused to believe that Tyler would ever give me something that would put me in danger. He was my protector for shit’s sake. “Bullshit. He’s on the Synod’s radar because of our relationship. They told him we couldn’t be together.”

“At least he’s been honest with you about one thing,” Xander said ruefully. “Answer me this, Darian: Would Tyler sacrifice himself for you? Would he die so you could live?”

“Stop deflecting. What deal did you make with Tyler? Tell me Xander, or we’re through. I mean it.”

“Could you so easily walk away?” he asked, low.

I was through playing games. “Try me.”

Xander rose from his seat and crossed the room toward me. The soft luminescence of his golden eyes drew my attention and it called to mind our very first meeting. He’d held a certain sway over me even then. We shared a connection through Azriel. Maybe that was all we’d ever shared.

“I knew that when you realized what I’d done that you’d insist on going back for me. You’re insufferably honorable, Darian. So much like Raif,” he mused. “Tyler knew it, too. Your loyalty to those you care about is perhaps your most admirable quality.”

The warmth of his endearment melted a little of my anger. So often, people only saw the superficial me. The cold, emotionless loner who didn’t have the time for entanglements or attachments. Beneath that hard exterior, I wanted to feel loved, to have friendships, to belong. I only pretended as though I didn’t care. Xander reached out and smoothed the pad of his thumb over my cheek.

“Noble, beautiful, Darian. Fierce protector. Bringer of vengeance. Cold, cruel, and yet, so passionate. I told your Jinn that if you managed to free me from Padma, that I would leave you and never come back.”

My heart, that had softened with Xander’s words, plunged to the bottom of my gut with his admission. “So, what? In a last ditch effort to save your skin, you implied to Ty that if he helped me extract you, you’d sever ties with me?”

“Yes.”

I wanted to slap the forlorn look right off his face. That he’d tell me in one breath that he would sacrifice for me what no one else would and then admit that he’d known all along I’d save his ass, cut through me so deeply that I swore my heart bled in my chest. It shouldn’t have hurt me so badly. Who was I to condemn him for wanting to live? It was just…we all could have died down there. Me, Ty, Asher, and the others. We’d risked our lives to save Xander, to get him back home. My own guilt for the sacrifice he’d made ate away at me. And he’d thanked his loyal subjects for their efforts by renouncing his throne. He’d thanked Tyler by breaking faith with him. He’d let me carry the burden of guilt all this time when he’d hedged his bets from the beginning.

I couldn’t even find the words to convey how I felt about what he’d done.

I jerked away from his touch. “I’m leaving.”

“Rather than face your difficulties, you always choose to walk away.”

I stepped up until I was nose-to-nose with him. My breath heaved in my chest and anger scorched a path up my throat. “Asher is leaving in three days to go kill Saben for you. Raif has driven himself into the ground to hold onto your crown for you. I asked Tyler to grant my wish—the one thing I am
loathe
to do—in order to clear your mind of Padma’s illusions and even though he couldn’t circumvent the rules—even though he has zero regard for you—he gave me the means to do it. How much more will you require of the people whose loyalties you’ve won while you sit back and do nothing for yourself?”

“Don’t touch me! I want
Alexander
!”

Anya’s panicked shriek echoed through the house to interrupt our argument. Xander turned and rushed from the room, leaving me ramrod straight and fuming. I squeezed my eyes shut and took several cleansing breaths before heading after him to see what all of the commotion was about. Anya stood in the foyer, one hand clutched tight over her belly, the other braced on her knee. A pained expression marred her usually calm face and she gritted her teeth through panted breaths.

“My water broke!” she gasped as gripped onto Xander’s shirt. “Please, Xander. I don’t want to do this alone.”

I’d never heard Anya speak with such vulnerability. Xander responded in hushed tones, his fluent Russian smooth and rhythmic, poetry as it left his lips. Beside them, Asher looked absolutely appalled. He must have tried to help Anya before she called for Xander. The shocked discomfort on his face would have been comical if not for the very urgent pain that Anya currently experienced.

“Asher, get the car.” In an instant, he became the regal king, self-possessed and decisive. Ash didn’t even flinch. He sprang into action and took off toward the back of the house and the laundry room door that led to the garage.

“He can’t drive you.” Someone needed to stay here and keep an eye on Raif. As the acting king, it would be stupid to leave him here without the best of his soldiers protecting him. “He should stay here with Raif. I can drive.”

God Darian, what are you thinking?
I’m sure the last thing Anya had on her birth plan was to have me within a mile of her or her child. I’d go crazy sitting here worrying about Tyler, my apartment, and the things that Xander had said to me, though. I needed a crisis I could manage. Late night traffic was within the parameters of my control. To a certain extent, at least.

A few seconds later, the front door swung wide. “You stay here with Raif,” I said to Ash. “I can handle this.” Xander was already helping Anya out the door and she seemed too preoccupied with labor pains to give a single shit who drove her. I headed out behind them but paused in the doorway and leaned in close to Asher’s ear. “Tell Raif he might not have to feel the weight of Xander’s crown for much longer.” Ash gave me a questioning look but I didn’t have time to elaborate. “And send a few bodies to the clinic at Pioneer Square. Saben could have eyes on the house.” It was safe to assume that if Raif was planning to take Saben out that the self-proclaimed ruler was planning the same. Neither Raif or Xander would be safe until Saben was dead.

“Gotcha.”

A surge of adrenaline dumped into my system as I ran for the car. I didn’t realize how much I needed this. To deal with a crisis that wasn’t mine for starters. And fast-paced action. A situation that didn’t allow for any forethought. This is where I thrived. True, this was unlike any situation I’d ever dealt with, but it was nice to tackle an emergency that might just end happily. And goddamn it, one of us deserved to be happy.

Xander phoned the doctor while I negotiated the narrow streets of Capitol Hill. Jesus, how did anyone drive in this part of Seattle and retain their sanity? The town car might as well have been a freaking bus. I cringed with every parked car we passed on the street, sure that I was going to take off a few rearview mirrors before we hit a marginally wider street.

Anya let out a low, keening cry and I caught sight of Xander through the mirror as he put his forehead to hers. “Breathe through the pain. Don’t fight it.” He breathed along with her, helped her to focus on riding through the contractions instead of resisting them.

I forced my gaze to the road and centered my own focus on the traffic. I raced through a yellow light and damned near hit an over-eager pedestrian. Damn it, didn’t anyone ever stay home in this city? It was almost ten o’clock at night for shit’s sake. “Hang tight,” I said as I hung a sharp right. “We’re almost there.”

Parking posed another problem. I swear to whatever gods were out there, Seattle had to be the worst city in the world for parking. I’d never noticed it before, but I’d also never had to deal with it. Especially in an emergency. I pulled up to the old building that served as a supernatural clinic and hospital. The place had been glamoured to deflect human interest and protect everyone inside.

“This is your stop, Anya.” I caught Xander’s gaze in the rearview mirror. “I’ll park and meet you inside.” Until Asher sent reinforcements, I could protect Xander so he could help Anya. At least here, I could be of some actual use.

As I pulled back out onto the street I tried to ignore the sudden quiet and the way it pressed down on me. I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts, to rehash everything that had happened tonight and the things that Xander had told me. My own jumbled feelings churned inside of me like an angry sea. Who was I really mad at? Xander for his admission? Ty for his deception? Or me, for my own damned weakness and vulnerability.