ShameLess (22 page)

I smile, giving a nod in agreement. “To you: the only one that has ever truly gotten me, and the one who understands I’m not some primitive ass, that I really do have a heart. I thank you for taking the time to see that. Thank you for being the best thing on this planet, and the only one for me. You have my heart for as long as you want it. I will keep yours forever, no matter what. Always remember,” I say placing my hand over her heart, “Right here, I am always with you. I will be with you wherever you are. Forever.”

She hops into my lap, no sip, no toast. She still holds the glass in her hand, as she wraps her arms around my neck. I can hear her sniffle like she is trying not to let the waterworks begin. I hold her tight.

We spend a long time just lying snuggled up on the blanket. She has her body propped up on mine, with her head resting upon my chest. We both open up, sharing more about ourselves. She tells me about her friend Elle, how all of it happened, how it was a misunderstanding, but that no one believed that; believed her, and how afterwards they all harassed her, leaving her feeling like a piece of worthless shit, but mostly how it all had her living with so much shame. My heart fucking breaks apart for her. I am angry at all of the assholes that should’ve supported her, loved her, and been there for her. I am hurting for her. I kiss the top of her forehead, bring her closer, and hug her tighter.

I know similar pain, too. I share everything about how losing my mom fucked me up inside, how I shut down, and started just having meaningless sex. I tell Ren how the guilt of being that way made me feel like I wasn’t honoring my mother’s memory. I tell her what my mom said as she told me she was terminal, and how those words fill me with shame at my actions since they are anything less than honorable since it’s not how she raised me or wanted for me, or my life. After we open up, we both agree that until we found each other, we were both pretty broken inside.

Of course, although I know this is true, I still have to remind her and myself, “Nah, everyone’s bent, Bella. Everyone goes through things in life that change them, whether for the good or the bad. I just happen to be a little straighter now, that I have you.”

She doesn’t respond, but looks up at me and winks. I wink back before bending down to kiss her softly.

“Ah, did you just see that? It’s a shooting star, Stefan!” breaks our moment, but little does Ren know, it is the perfect lead in into the actual surprise I have planned for her so it’s absolute fucking perfect timing.

“No, baby, I was too busy looking at you, feeling you in my lap. Hop up for a sec,” I tell her, feeling nervous anticipation climbing up into my throat. I gulp, a little, and feel my palms get clammy. Now or never, I think to myself, feeling like my balls are to the wall, but gaining posture because of this feeling. It gives me just the strength I need to get through my nerves.

“Come here, Ren. I have something for you. Your birthday is in a few days, and your party is coming up, so this is my gift to you.” I feel myself getting edgy, and bursting with nerves.

I take a few seconds to take a deep breath, clear my throat, and pull the gift-wrapped cardboard envelope from underneath the corner of the blanket. “Here,” I hand it to her, allowing her to unwrap it, and open it up.

I don’t think she understands what it is. It looks like a certificate, but it’s dark so she might not be able to see it, clearly.

“Ren, it’s a certificate. I had a star registered with our names on it. A binary one, so it’s made up of two stars that orbit each other. Forever, baby, we will orbit space together. The second piece is the chart, so no matter where you are, you can find us. You truly are my star, Ren.”

Her shaky hands fly upward, covering her mouth, and she is silently crying, which I didn’t notice, until now. I was so preoccupied trying to explain everything that I didn’t even see …
Fuck! I hope they’re tears of joy!

I don’t know whether to pull her to me or not. She is quivering but I am not sure if it’s due to her liking her surprise. I chose to draw her to me.

“It’s perfect! You are perfect. I can’t believe you thought to do this. How did I get so lucky?” Tears still stream her cheeks, but at least now, I know they are happy ones. I use my thumb to swipe them away.

Without realizing it, I release the breath held captive in my lungs, and deeply sigh, “Really? You like it?” I don’t give her a chance yet to say anything. My body responds to her instead. Our eyes meet and I wipe away a few remaining tears still staining her cheeks before I claim her mouth with my own, letting my tongue speak for me. I suck in her bottom lip, then move to kiss her top one, before parting both and fully accept her receiving all of the desire I offer.

Naturally, we ease into each other. She has a cute white sundress on, and I quickly learn no panties. I hike up her dress, and lift it over her head, kissing each nipple as I do so. Once her dress is off, I let it fall to the ground. Ren’s fingers are unbuttoning my jeans, and releasing the zipper, before I can even help.

Loosened, they fall down to my ankles, and I step out of each leg, using my feet to kick them to the side. We lower ourselves down onto the blanket and she takes the lead. Ren crawls between my legs, gripping my penis in her hands, and begins to stroke it, squeezing the shaft. She leans down, putting all of me into her mouth, licking and sucking, and running her tongue along its length. I am putty, melding into the sand beneath the blanket, and stretch my toes as the muscles in my legs tighten with the pleasure she gives me. I’m going to come if she keeps this up, but thankfully she stops, licking her lips as she looks up at me through those damn dark lashes.
Fuck!

“Sit on me, baby,” I demand, not asking. She lowers herself down, and leans down offering her breasts to my mouth.

I take her right one in, and suck her hardened nipple, as she rides my cock. Her moans drive me fucking insane. I grab her hips and increase the force of the rhythm of her strides.

“Ah, oh my God! You’re so deep, God baby you’re so deep,” She screams out with each crash of the waves behind her. I like this side of her, and it’s driving me crazy. I raise my hips up, driving into her. We rock together, thrust for fucking plunge, and we come together, as she once again cries out my name.

Ren doesn’t roll off right away. This is fucking perfect! I think, loving the feel of myself inside of her, even now, with the pleasure of both of us still reminding me how incredible she is. I could make love to her all day, every day.

“I have never wanted the want of someone the way I want you. And, by the way, I am the lucky one,” I whisper, looking up at her still sitting on me, as sweet juices run out of her, teasing my balls. She moves off, and snuggles up beside me.

This is when it hits me that I haven’t even explained
why
I named it the way I did, and how important she know, especially after our talk, and especially because of it, now.

Placing my head against hers, I breathe into her hair. “ShameLess.”

She remains stationary as her body slightly twitches. “What?” She asks, returning through a similar hushed tone.

“I named it, ‘ShameLess’, because together we helped each other learn to love again, and move beyond the shame of our pasts. I need you to know that you are the reason I no longer held captive to my past, and the reason I refuse to carry any shame into my future. You are my shooting star, Ren. That is why I call you ‘Star’. You are why I am able to breathe again. You’re the light of my life, giving light to my darkness, and removing the shame I’ve carried around all of these years.” I let it all flow out, freely, and openly, feeling stronger and better because of it – because of her.

God! This girl is such a part of me; she is the piece of me that has been missing!

S’renaty

His words flow out of him so freely, “I named it, ‘ShameLess’, because together we helped each other learn to love again, and move beyond the shame of our pasts. I need you to know that you are the reason I no longer held captive to my past, and the reason I refuse to carry any shame into my future. You are my shooting star, Ren. That is why I call you ‘Star’. You are why I am able to breathe again. You’re the light of my life, giving light to my darkness, and removing the shame I’ve carried around all of these years.” I know I should say something, but can’t. I feel myself relax against him, remaining silent for now, but allowing my heart to speak.

I take his hand and place it over my rapidly beating heart, saying, “Feel that? That is what you do to me. You are the reason my life has purpose. You truly are the rhythm of my beats. Stefan, baby, you will always be my kind of cheesy; just mine. You will forever be here, for me, too, no matter where you are.”

There is no interruption of our contentment, our affirmation, or perfect bliss with words. We do not have to. Our silence brings us peace. For the first time, for either of us in so long, we embrace our harmony.

We both stir awake after having fallen asleep in each other’s arms for who knows how long. Unsuccessfully able to resist the urge pressing against my bladder, I sit upright, “I have to run to the house to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back, don’t move,” and bring myself into a standing position.

Stefan goes to get up, but I motion for him to stay put.

“Seriously, I’m just running up to pee and I’ll be right back…there is no need for you to come. Tend the fire, and when I get back, we’ll roast marshmallows, ok?”

He relaxes back down, reluctantly, I can tell. I quickly stand up, throw on my clothes, and dart off toward the house, kicking sand up in my wake.

I reach the house in time, snag the spare key from the huge planter by the deck railing, and head back to the door to unlock it. Instantly, I notice the door is ajar, which is strange because I do not recall dad mentioning he would be home. In fact, I thought he was working a case…

Maybe it’s the neighbor, Jon, who got the mail for dad again. He has his own key.
Hmmm… I dismiss initial alarm, assuming it is just my dad or Jon.

Pushing the door further open, I step inside and flip on the light on. Mags is not here now because mom picked her up the day after Stefan and I were here. Right now, though, I am really wishing she were. She would definitely alarm me if anything was wrong or a burglar was here. Something feels out of sorts as I make my way across the living room, which is completely open to the rest of the house. It is a very airy layout, with thick-whitewashed beams separating the rooms. Telling myself that I am probably over reacting to everything that has been going on lately, I shove it down, out of my conscious mind. Besides, it is not as if I am noticing anything out of the ‘norm’, anyway, so I continue walking toward the bathroom. I really need to quiet my bladder; its screams are growing louder with each step I take.

Once I go to the bathroom, I take a few extra minutes to wash myself. Sex is great, but the aftermath of the flowing love is not so great. I wash my hands, and turn out the light. That is when I hear it. A scuffle is taking place and I vividly hear the voices. Both are male, one deeper than the other. I cannot specifically make out what is being said, but each raised tone of voice is sharp and intrusive. I cringe!