Sharing Our Stories of Survival: Native Women Surviving Violence (24 page)

When a campus counselor responds to a rape call, they need to be educated and informed on what rape victims experience. They need to be there for the victims in every aspect from counseling to helping victims find a way home. These simple gestures from the university would have made an impact. I have become frustrated by the high rate of sexual assault because there are a lot of Native people, young and old, who are going through this trauma, which can be prevented! The universities not only need to educate their staff on sexual assault, but the students as well. The most important thing is for universities to actually take action to ensure the safety of the student when there is a rape call.

When I finally went home, I wrote a letter to the university administration, explaining what happened to me. I expressed my dissatisfaction with their response to my rape on their campus. I hoped my letter would make a difference, but apparently it didn’t. Not only did I not receive an apology, they did not even have the decency to respond to my letter. I should have known not to expect a response from the start.

The Court System

The inaction of the university in my situation was disappointing and depressing. However, dealing with the court system was even more complicated. During the eighteen months I dealt with the court system, two trial dates were scheduled. On the first scheduled trial date, the perpetrator failed to appear. The second trial date was canceled due to a
plea bargain.
I lived with a lot of stress during those eighteen months waiting for the conviction. All the while, the perpetrator spent only a total of nine months in the Douglas County Jail.

When the first trial date was set, my mother and I traveled from Alaska in order for me to testify. It was emotionally exhausting preparing to testify and thinking about being in the witness stand. I didn’t want to be questioned by the defense lawyer because I was scared he would try to prove I was lying or blame me for the rape. I was not ready to be interrogated. On the day of the first trial, we received word that the perpetrator left Lawrence. The trial was postponed until the perpetrator was caught. I was told that bounty hunters would be sent to track him.

I felt scared because I didn’t know where he was or what he was capable of doing. My mother and I returned to Alaska where all we could do was wait until the bounty hunters caught him. Months later, I was informed the perpetrator was caught in the state of Washington, on a reservation, drinking in a bar. He was extradited back to Lawrence, and the second trial date was set. I was relieved because I knew he was back in custody and we could get the trial over with. Sarah received money donated from a local church in Kansas for my mother to accompany me to the second trial. As the date came closer, the prosecutor called me at home in Alaska to inform me they made a “plea bargain” and lowered the crime from a
felony
to a
misdemeanor
. The decision was based on a lack of evidence to convince a jury and convict my violator of rape. I was so distraught! I felt like all the work I had done was for nothing. I felt like I was raped all over again—this time, by the system. Justice did not prevail in my case.

Sentencing Hearing

I wasn’t required by the state of Kansas to attend the
sentencing hearing
, and they didn’t have the budget to buy a plane ticket for me. However, I was given the opportunity to by Sarah because she still had the money that was supposed to pay for my mother’s airfare for the second trial. This would give me an opportunity to speak to the judge. At first, I declined the offer because I did not want to see the perpetrator ever again. Then I reconsidered because of everything I had been through. There was no reason for me to stop trying to get back at him for what HE had stolen from me. I told Sarah I wanted to take her up on her offer. I needed to do this for my personal closure! The best thing was that no one knew I was going to attend the sentencing hearing except for the people on the prosecution side—not even the judge himself!

Back in Lawrence, I was on my way to the court building looking forward to seeing what kind of reaction my presence would have on the perpetrator and his lawyer. I remember walking toward the courtroom feeling really nervous, but I was so deep in thought that I didn’t notice HE was also walking toward the courtroom in handcuffs. He saw me and he looked scared and pathetic. He quickly looked down because he knew he was guilty. During the hearing, we each had a turn to speak to the judge. The perpetrator stated that he was a “changed” man and he was fit to live in “society” again. He also informed the judge that some church in Lawrence was going to take him in while he was on probation. From the time the perpetrator was caught in Washington until the end of the plea bargain process, he had only served a total of nine months in the county jail. It was infuriating for me to sit back and listen to his plea without screaming objections.

When it was my turn to speak, I had a lot going through my mind and I did not know when to start. I stood beside the podium, opposite of where HE was sitting, to speak directly to the judge. As soon as I opened my mouth, I started crying and could not stop. I don’t know if anyone understood me because I was crying so hard. It seemed as if all the pain I had felt the previous months caught up with me at that moment. I walked directly to the perpetrator and asked him if it was worth it, hurting me this much. All the while, he was looking at the floor and did not look at me. People in the courtroom thought I was going to attack him. Deep down I wish I had, but it would not have solved any of my problems. I truly believe that if you do bad to others, bad will come back three times fold. I know the man above has a plan for rapists. When I finished speaking, I thanked the judge for listening to what I had to say and went outside to calm down. The look on people’s faces in the courtroom made me feel as if I had made no impression at all and this made me more upset. However, when the hearing was over, I was told I did a great job and I did make an impact on the judge. The judge expressed his wish to send the perpetrator back to jail for the maximum sentence, but the laws only allowed him to sentence an extra month. I believe the law should allow judges to sentence the perpetrators of sexual assault to longer sentences if he or she feels there is enough evidence to do so. The extra month was included in the nine months he spent in Douglas County Jail. If I hadn’t spoken at the hearing that day, the perpetrator may have been released.

Truthfully, looking back now, I probably would not have reported the crime if I knew the amount of pain it would cause me. In some ways, though, it was worth it because the perpetrator has “Attempted Aggravated Sexual Battery” on his criminal record for the rest of his worthless life and I finally found the closure I needed.

After the sentencing, I made a deal with Sarah. We both decided to get a tattoo to symbolize all the work and pain we endured dealing with the university, the courts, and the related emotions. We went downtown to the tattoo parlor. I decided on a rose and Sarah decided on a ring of daisies. While I was getting my tattoo, I was thinking of all I had experienced in the previous eighteen months and I didn’t feel any pain. These flowered tattoos also represented closure for Sarah and me. Now was the time to move on and start the long healing process.

Healing

After I was raped, I went through a period of self-blame, like most rape victims. If it wasn’t for my friends and family telling me over and over it was not my fault for being raped, I would probably still be blaming myself now. During this time, I thought, “Why did I let this happen to me?” “What if I did this ... ? “What if ... ? What if ... ?” I know now I was blaming myself for nothing because I couldn’t control his actions. I was torturing myself because there was nothing I could have done to prevent the rape from happening. All women have the right to say “yes” or “no,” and I said “NO!” He was the one who made the choice to rape. One of the reasons I think guys rape is because they see a lot of rapists avoid conviction. They may take this as a message that it’s okay to hurt another human being. The United States government should take action against all sexual assault cases by sentencing with harsher punishments. Right now, the court system is sending the message to all the rapists and potential rapists that they will not spend time in jail. I am very thankful to the man above that I am still here today and strong enough to share my story with other victims.

In the past ten years, I never thought about how my situation of being raped affected my family because I was too busy trying to heal myself. I realized, years later, they are still hurting. I have accepted the fact that I was raped, but I don’t think my family has yet. They need to find their own peace, like I did. I think they blamed themselves because none of them could be with me after I told them I was raped, but they supported me in my time of need and I survived—that’s all that is important. Following the assault, I asked my mother if she had told my grandmother, her mother, Annie. She said she was on her way to tell her one day. When she arrived, my grandmother already knew. That would have been impossible because at that time no one else knew. My grandmother is one of those powerful people who can see things in her dreams, and her dreams often come true. She calmly told my mother, “Don’t worry about Lisa, she is strong, and she will get through this,” in our language. After hearing this, I felt the darkness and the heavy weight I had been carrying all that time lifted away from me. This was exactly what I needed to hear to give me more strength to go on. This was probably the first time I felt at peace with myself in a very long time.

Today, there are a lot of people who choose not to think of issues of violence, especially rape, because they are uncomfortable discussing the issue. Most likely they grew up thinking it is wrong to speak of such an issue. That may change one day when this issue becomes personal when a loved one is raped, such as a mother, sister, cousin, daughter, niece, or friend. This is possible due to the high statistics indicating that over one-third of all Native women will be raped in their lifetime. In many Native cultures, it is considered wrong to speak of sexual violence and that is part of the reason it still exists today. This is where things need to change, to break that cycle of violence. We all can make this happen if we join together and fight for the future generations. Not all rape victims have a strong support system—that is why a lot of Native women who are raped become alcoholics, drug users, and many commit suicide. I know how easy it is to fall into that trap of drinking to try to take the pain away. But I am lucky I didn’t choose to stay on that road; I had family and friends who loved me. They are the ones who saved me and gave me purpose, so I could stop abusing alcohol. I wanted to be a role model for my younger cousins—I don’t want them to look down on me. I want to show them they can do anything they want and that they can be strong too, because the strength is in our blood.

It is important for someone going through an emotional or tragic episode in their lives to have family and friends to rely on for love and support. I am fortunate to have people like this in my life. In addition to the support I received, I needed another cure, which was to go home! This was the medicine I needed from the beginning to get better. My home comforted me because this is where I belong with my people. I thank God for giving my people such a blessed place to live.

During my healing process, it was easy to slip back into abusing alcohol. It took me years to realize I turned to alcohol every time I had a problem, or if I got mad. This is not a healthy lifestyle, so I am trying to find other productive ways to deal with my problems. One way I blow off steam when I feel down is to go shopping. I feel that I am letting go of the bad feeling and replacing it with something new. However, I do need to find a less expensive way to feel better. Each person has to find their own remedy of dealing with their troubles, so that they do not turn to alcohol and drugs. As I found out, alcohol only makes it worse! I abused alcohol during my painful process of trying to convict the guy who raped me. When a person is going through such an ordeal, it seems easier to try to drink the pain away. However, that person is only hurting herself and the people who love her. This type of abuse can easily lead to addiction. I think this is the reason there is an alarming rate of young Native alcoholics.

Speaking Out

Four years after I was assaulted, I truly began my healing process. I found the courage and strength to finally speak about my story. First, I slowly shared my story with the people I cared about because I knew they would not be judgmental. I remember how much it would hurt when I talked about what had happened, and I would always end up crying. Then one summer I was asked to speak on a youth panel at home. I was obligated to speak because all of my cousins my age were speaking too. I had no clue of what I should talk about. As my turn was approaching, the rape came to mind. There were over a hundred people in the Community Hall, including village residents, all of whom are my relatives, reporters, visitors, and tourists.

I was never as nervous as I was when it was my turn to speak. I was self-conscious about what people were thinking of me bringing up this type of issue. Then I told myself, “I shouldn’t be feeling like this. This issue needs to be addressed everywhere. Why shouldn’t I start in my hometown?” So, I kept talking. When the youth panel was finished, a lot of people congratulated me for being so strong to speak out. This was the first time I felt really happy in a long time, maybe in years. I knew then this was what I wanted to do to help others who were victimized. People I didn’t even know well started telling me their personal stories, and I felt honored because they trusted and respected me.

I used to compare my story with others who have been raped. But I was told that we each experience violence in different ways and not to compare anymore because it is not fair to say I didn’t suffer as much as the other person did. So, I quit doing that to myself. As rape victims, we all experience pain and we all struggle to try to get our lives back together. The only thing that makes us different is which path we choose in recovery. A lot of people have been victimized and have kept it a secret due to personal reasons or because they thought it was the norm in their own cultures. Hearing stories such as that made me feel more confident to continue to speak up. In a way, I feel as though I am not only speaking for myself, but for the people who don’t have the strength yet, and for the people who aren’t with us anymore due to violence.