Sharing Our Stories of Survival: Native Women Surviving Violence (23 page)

S
even years ago, I traveled thousands of miles from a small Alaska village to go to a tribal university in Lawrence, Kansas. I was an immature young college student who never thought about issues like domestic violence and sexual assault. Although I grew up witnessing domestic violence, I would try to ignore it and forget it ever happened. Where I am from, violence was never discussed. I was also under the impression that violent acts were never going to happen to me. I was really naive. My point of view on these issues changed drastically when I was raped on October 8, 1996.

During the past ten years, I have gradually become an advocate for sexual assault survivors based on my experience of the effects of rape. It took me years to gather up the courage to share my story without crying or triggering memories of that horrible night. Dealing with the eighteen-month process of the court system, the lack of response from the school I was attending, the emotional effects from rape, and the healing was exhausting and complicated. Having to face the fact that I was raped was also very intense. I did not know what to do, expect, or think. It felt like the
perpetrator
stole a part of my heart and spirit.

For an Indian person, to have one’s spirit abused or stolen is as good as being dead. After I was raped, nothing in my life was ever the same. My life was shaped by this traumatic experience. As I worked with my emotions and accepted the fact that I was raped, I became spiritually stronger and had the will to go on. Yet I had to accept the fact that nothing in my life would ever be the same. It took me seven years to regain all that was stolen from me on that horrible night. Going through this ordeal has taken thousands of tears, pounds of heartache, and a world of love from my friends and family to recover my spirit. My spirit will never be the same as it was before being raped. I am still in the process of healing, as I will be forever. I will try to help anyone I can because these feelings are embedded in my memory. As victims, many are scarred for life. Nothing in this world will ever completely take the feeling, memory, and the victimization away. My advice to other victims is, “Don’t dwell on the past, but look to the future for the good things in life.”

I grew up in a small and trusting community where everybody knew each other and trusted each other. I was related to everyone, so I never thought any type of violence could happen to me. This is the main reason I was so naive when I traveled away from my home to another state. After the rape, I was shaken up and I could not function mentally. All I wanted was to go home to my family to regain the little strength I had left and to heal my broken spirit. Prior to the rape, I purchased a ticket to return home for Christmas break. After I was raped, my family didn’t have the money to purchase another ticket to return home sooner. So, I had to wait in Lawrence, Kansas, two and a half months before going home. That was the longest two and a half months of my life.

Impact of Sexual Assault

It was difficult for me to try to live a normal life again after the rape. There are simple daily routines people do that I was terrified to do. For example, I didn’t feel safe walking anywhere, whether it was day or night. I found it difficult to be in a room with a male or to be touched by anyone. I didn’t want to be alone, but I also felt uncomfortable surrounded by a lot of people. I was robbed of my trust for everyone and everything—even myself. I would have anxiety attacks, but I didn’t know back then what they were called. I always looked over my shoulder to make sure no one was there to hurt me again. I was paranoid about everything to the point I couldn’t live a normal life. These are the few things I had to cope with. A person does not necessarily “get over” the trauma of rape, but one has to understand why these feelings are happening and how to cope with them. I still have problems with some simple daily routines, but it is not as bad as it used to be. There are still the internal triggers that stay with me, such as the smell of grass, the sight of the stars, and the sounds of crickets or locusts. These are specific things I remember from when I was raped. Each time I encounter these triggers, my thoughts are always redirected to my memory of that horrible night, bringing back the feeling of violation. The disgusted feelings I had that night and thereafter will never completely go away. The only thing I have control over is to find ways to cope with them.

Before I was raped, I was already a “statistic” by being an Alaska Native woman, a middle-class citizen, and witnessing domestic violence at a young age. Then I added another statistic by being raped. Becoming another damn statistic, I didn’t know how to deal with the new emotions I was feeling due to being raped. So I turned to the only thing I knew to cope with it—alcohol. I used alcohol to numb the pain I was feeling. I didn’t want to close my eyes and have the image of that night return to haunt me. For years, there were many times I cried myself to sleep. I drank practically every night for the two and a half months I had to wait in Lawrence just to get through it, trying to erase my visions of that horrid night. The few times I didn’t drink, I stayed up all night and slept all day because I was afraid of having a
flashback
. I was lucky to have good friends in college. They stood by me every day and made sure I was never alone. My friends believed me the moment I told them what happened. They were so angry at my perpetrator that they wanted to hurt him more than he hurt me. They never left my side, for which I will be forever grateful. Out of my friends, Calvin was the one who made the biggest difference to my well-being. He was there for me when I needed to talk, laugh, cry, or just hang out. I can only imagine how my life would have turned out if he had not been there.

A couple of days after the assault, the perpetrator posted bail. He was not only free to walk the streets, he was allowed back on campus, even though they knew he was arrested for sexual assault. I was informed of his presence on campus by the county victim-witness specialist. She was the one who handled my case when I went to court. She worked with the district attorney who was assigned to prosecute the crime. The university did not have the decency of informing me he was back as a student, thereby neglecting the importance of my safety. I did not know what the perpetrator was capable of because he warned me not to report what happened. I was very scared for my life. From the time I had reported the rape, it was clear to me that everything was always about his rights and not mine. I thought the laws were made to protect the victim, not the perpetrator! I did everything correctly from the beginning: I reported the rape, was examined at the hospital for evidence, and went to court to testify. Everything seemed to backfire on me, and I felt that he got away with raping me. This made me want to drink more because I was so angry, and I wanted to drink that feeling away. The drinking didn’t make my situation better—it made it worse. I felt as if my mind was clouded and I couldn’t think straight. I was counting down the days to go home to start the healing process since I had numbed myself with alcohol.

The Hospital

After I reported the rape, I was transferred to the hospital to be examined by a nurse to collect evidence for the prosecution. Being examined was like being violated again, but I knew it was something I had to do in order to help my case. I felt like a little kid again because all I wanted to do was cry and go home where I felt safe. The officer who transported me asked if I would like to have a local advocate to meet me at the hospital. I was still in shock, so I just nodded my head. The advocate I met at the hospital, Sarah, became a lifelong friend. Without this lady I don’t know if I would have made it this far. She has been by my side since day one. Both Sarah and my mother, Jean, made a big impact on my life. My mother was there for me every time I called home during those two months. There were countless times I called her crying, and just hearing her voice soothed me. She blamed herself because her baby, thousands of miles away, had been raped, and she felt powerless to make me feel better. But hearing her voice gave me the strength I needed to keep sane. My mother and Sarah have helped in so many ways that I cannot attempt to explain, and I don’t think there are any words to thank them enough. These two ladies are among the strongest women I know. They influenced me to help others who are in need. I truly believe my grandfathers are watching over me from above by sending the love and support of my mother and Sarah to me. They were there for me in the most crucial point in my life by making me laugh when I need to laugh, giving me a shoulder to cry on, keeping me company, and listening when I needed to talk. I don’t know how to repay them. My mother and Sarah both have good hearts, great personalities, and the friendship we have will never die.

Campus Administration

I was very disappointed by the university administration’s response to my assault. I had anticipated that the school would have supported me, as the victim, and taken some kind of action against the perpetrator. This did not happen at all! The school did not do anything to ensure my safety or my well-being after I was raped on their campus by one of their students. What really angered me was that the administration accepted the perpetrator back into school as a student as though he didn’t do anything wrong. Since the university had recently been expanded and remodeled, I expected their school policies would have improved also, especially in their response to sexual assault against Native women. The message I received through their actions was that they didn’t care, nor did they want to face the fact that students were being raped on their campus.

Since the university is a school for Native students, I assumed they would do everything in their power to protect Native victims. Their inaction made me feel angrier and more depressed. The school should have suspended the perpetrator and notified me as to what actions were taken. Other helpful steps would have been to offer some type of security to make me feel more secure, and counseling. I should have received information on what to expect after being raped, both emotionally and physically. Also, I would have appreciated having a person to talk to twenty-four hours a day and a support group established on campus. In my case, anything would have been better than nothing. If these steps were taken, I’m sure my point of view on everything would be different. I was very fortunate to meet Sarah. She was the one who gave me all of the support described above. I thought it was sad no one from the school could provide these basic services to their own students.

When I first arrived at the university, I heard rumors about a couple of rapes that occurred in the men’s dorms. For example, people would say “there is a girl from this dorm or that dorm was raped last Friday.” Names were never mentioned, but people could usually identify the victim. It was very common for the perpetrator to have his friends harass and intimidate the victim. After I was raped, I knew that there were rumors about me. People even knew which dorm I lived in. I realized I needed to act as if nothing happened so people in the dorms would not spread even more rumors about me.

Later I met one of the girls who was raped in the men’s dorms a couple of weeks before me. She told me her story and it was very violent. I honestly don’t know how she survived after hearing her experience. The difference between her story and mine was that I reported my rape. Not only did she not report the rape, she didn’t have the heart to tell her parents. She had no support and she mentally blocked it out because she didn’t want to deal with it. She also saw her perpetrator around campus a lot. Both of our perpetrators probably assaulted other women during the time they attended that university. I discovered that there were numerous unreported assaults on campus. Unfortunately, this is a common problem at other colleges, universities, and institutions in the United States. One would think something would be done to prevent the enormous rate of sexual assault, but the statistics are not improving.

The way I was treated by the university administration after I was raped was disturbing and unjust. I was not able to concentrate on my academics, so I withdrew from my classes because I was failing. I then discussed my situation with the residential director and received permission to stay in the dorms until my family purchased a ticket to go home. Yet two days later, I received a letter underneath my door stating if I didn’t leave the dorm by 5:00 p.m. that day, I would be escorted out by campus security. I panicked because I had no money and I didn’t know anyone in Lawrence. Luckily, since I met Sarah at the hospital and had her phone number, I gave her a call and told her my situation. She did not even hesitate before offering me a place to stay until I could get a plane ticket home. I always look back and wonder what would have happened to me if I didn’t know Sarah. Would the university have thrown me out without a place to stay? I highly doubt they would have helped me because they didn’t even acknowledge my situation in the first place. Universities need to make new and improved policies to help the victims in these types of situations, especially if they are from out-of-state and do not have money.

The one and only thing the university provided was a counselor at the hospital who stayed with me for a couple of hours. Unfortunately, she was no help at all. She was with me in at the hospital, but she did not counsel me as to what to expect of my feelings or what to expect in the examination. I was very scared and I was lucky Sarah was with me to inform me of what to expect. When I was done at the hospital, the counselor gave me a ride back to my dorm, and I never heard from her again. It would have been helpful to have some type of follow-up. The university should feel embarrassed if they call that providing help. Universities are sending a message to victims that they condone sexual assault. I needed someone to tell me it was normal to feel the way I felt, what to expect, and to assure me that I would be safe. I needed someone who actually cared and wanted to help me, not a disconnected and impersonal employee who had to “take another call.” University counselors can learn a lot from local advocacy programs, such as Rape Victim-Survivor Services (RVSS). Information and training on sexual assault is easily accessible.