Shatter Me Complete Collection (78 page)

James stirs in my arms.

I’m awake in an instant, blinking fast and looking around to find everyone else still asleep. The sun slits open the horizon to let the light out, and the morning is so still, and so quiet, it seems impossible there’s ever been anything wrong.

The truth, however, comes back too quickly.

It’s bricks on my chest, pressure in my lungs, aches in my joints, and metal in my mouth—reminders of the long day, the longer night, and the boy curled up in my arms.

Death and destruction. Slivers of hope.

Kenji drove us to a remote location and used the last of his strength to make the tank invisible for most of the night; it was the only way we could wait out the battle and manage to sleep for a few hours. I’m still not sure how that guy is functioning. He’s definitely way stronger than I’ve ever given him credit for.

The world around us is eerily calm. I shift a little and James is alert, up and asking questions the moment his mouth hinges open. His voice disturbs everyone, startling them awake. I use the back of my hand to rub at my eyes and adjust James in my lap, holding him close. I drop a kiss on the top of his head and tell him to be quiet.

“Why?” he asks.

I cover his mouth with my hand.

He slaps it away.

“Good morning, sunshine.” Kenji blinks in our direction.

“Morning,” I say back.

“I wasn’t talking to you,” he says, trying to smile. “I was talking to the sunshine.”

I grin in response, not really sure where we’re going with this. There’s so much to talk about, and so much we don’t want to talk about, that I don’t know if we’ll ever talk at all. I glance back at Castle and notice he’s wide awake and staring out the window. I wave hello.

“Did you sleep all right?” I ask him.

Castle stares at me.

I glance at Kenji.

Kenji looks out the window, too.

I blow out a breath.

Everyone makes their way back to the present, slowly but surely. Once we’re all in semiworking condition—Brendan and Winston included—Kenji doesn’t waste any time.

“We have to figure out where we’re going to go,” he says. “We can’t risk being on the road for too long, and I’m not sure how long or how well I’ll be able to project. My energy is coming back, but slowly, and it’s in and out. Not something I can rely on right now.”

“We also need to think about food,” Ian says groggily.

“Yeah, I’m pretty hungry,” James adds.

I squeeze his shoulders. We’re all starving.

“Right,” Kenji says. “So does anyone have any ideas?”

Silence from all of us.

“Come on, guys,” he says. “Think. Any hideouts, any secure spots—anywhere you’ve ever crashed that was once a safe space—”

“What about our old house?” James asks, looking around.

I sit up straighter, surprised I hadn’t thought of it myself. “Right—of course,” I say. “Good idea, James.” I muss his hair. “That would work.”

Kenji pounds his fist on the steering wheel. “Yes!” he says loudly. “Good. Excellent. Perfect. Thank God.”

“But what if they come looking for us?” Lily asks. “Didn’t Warner know about your old place?”

“Yeah,” I tell her. “But if they think everyone from Omega Point is dead, they won’t think to come search for me. Or any of us.”

At that, the car goes dead quiet.

The elephant in the room has made an appearance, and now no one knows what to say. We all look to Castle for direction on how best to proceed, but he doesn’t say a word. He’s staring straight ahead at nothing at all, like he’s been paralyzed from the inside.

“Let’s go,” Alia says quietly. She’s the only one who responds to me, and she offers me a kind smile as she does. I decide I like her for it. “We should secure shelter as soon as possible. And maybe find James something to eat.”

I beam at her. So touched that she would speak for James.

“Maybe we could find something all of us could eat,” Ian cuts in, grumpy. I frown, but I can’t blame him. My stomach has made a few protests of its own.

“We should have plenty of food back at the house,” I say. “It’s been paid for through the end of the year, so we’ll have just about everything we need—water, electricity, a roof over our heads—but it’ll be tight, and it’ll be temporary. We’ll have to come up with a more long-term solution soon.”

“Sounds good,” Kenji says to me. He turns back to look at everyone. “We all in agreement here?”

There’s a murmur of consent and that’s all we need, really, before we’re off and heading back to my old place. Back to the beginning.

Relief floods through me.

I’m so grateful to be able to take James home. To let him sleep in his own bed. And though I know better than to ever say it out loud, a small part of me is happy that our time at Omega Point is officially over. There’s a silver lining in all of this, and it’s that Warner thinks we’re all dead. And even though he’s got Juliette now, he won’t have her forever. She’ll be safe until we can find a way to get her back, and until then, he won’t come after us. We can find a way to live, away from all the violence and destruction.

Besides, I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of being on the run and always having to risk my life and constantly worrying about James. I just want to go home. I want to take care of my brother. And I never, ever,
ever
want to feel what I felt last night.

I can’t risk losing James, not ever again.

The roads are almost entirely abandoned. The sun is high and the wind is bitingly cold and though the rain has stopped, the air smells like snow, and I have a feeling it’s going to be harsh. I wrap James more tightly in my arms, shivering against a chill coming from deep inside my body. He’s fallen asleep again, his small face buried in the crook of my neck. I hug him closer to my chest.

With the opposition destroyed, there’s no need to have many—if any—troops on the ground. They’re probably clearing out the bodies now, cleaning up the mess and putting things back in order as soon as possible. It’s what we always did.

Battle was necessary, but cleaning it up was just as crucial.

Warner used to drill that home: we were never to allow civilians time to grieve. We could never give them the opportunity to make martyrs of their loved ones. No, it was better for the deaths to seem as insignificant as possible.

Everyone had to go back to work right away.

So many times I was a part of those missions. I always hated Warner, hated The Reestablishment and all it stood for, but now I feel even more strongly about it all. Thinking I’d lost James did something to me last night, and the damage is irreparable. I thought I knew what it was like to lose someone close to me, but I didn’t, not really. Losing a parent is excruciating, but somehow, the pain is so much different from losing a child. And James, to me, in many ways, feels like my own kid. I raised him. Took care of him. Protected him. Fed him and clothed him. Taught him most everything he knows. He’s my only hope in all this devastation—the one thing I’ve always lived for, always fought for. I’d be lost without him.

James gives my life purpose.

And I didn’t realize this until last night.

What The Reestablishment does—separating parents from their children, separating spouses from each other, basically ripping families apart—they do it on purpose. And the cruelty of these actions hadn’t really hit me until now.

I don’t think I could ever be a part of something like that again.

We pull into the underground parking garage without a problem, and once we’re inside, I can exhale. I know we’ll be safe here.

The nine of us clamber out of the tank and stand around for a moment. Brendan and Winston are holding fast to each other, still recovering from their wounds. I’m not sure what happened to them, exactly, because no one is talking about it, but I don’t think I want to know. Alia and Lily help Castle down from the tank, and Ian is close behind. Kenji is standing next to me. I’m still holding James in my arms, and I only put him down after he asks me to.

“You guys ready to go up?” I ask. “Shower? Eat some breakfast?”

“That sounds great, man,” says Ian.

Everyone else agrees.

I lead the way, James clinging to my hand.

It’s crazy—the last time we were here, we were on the run from Warner. Me and Juliette. It was the first time she met James, the first time it felt like we could really have a life together. And then Kenji showed up and redirected the course of everything. I shake my head, remembering. It feels like a million years ago, somehow. So much has changed. I was practically a different guy back then. I feel much older and harder and angrier now. Difficult to believe it was only a few months ago.

The front door is still messed up from when Warner and his guys busted it open, but we make do. I yank on the handle and then shove, hard, and the door swings inward.

Suddenly we’re all crossing the threshold.

I’m looking around, amazed to see everything almost exactly the way we left it. A few things are knocked over and the place needs a serious cleaning, but it’ll work. It’ll be a great, safe place to live for a while. I start flipping switches and the small rooms flicker to life, fluorescent lights humming steadily in the silence. James bolts toward his bedroom, and I check the cabinets for canned goods and nonperishable items; we’ve still got tons of Saran-wrapped packages for the Automat.

I breathe a sigh of relief.

“Who wants breakfast?” I ask, holding up a few packets.

Kenji falls to his knees, shouting, “Hallelujah!” in the process; Ian practically tackles me. James comes racing out of his room shouting, “ME ME ME I DO I DO,” and Lily laughs her head off. Alia smiles and leans against the wall as Brendan and Winston collapse on the couch, groaning in relief. Castle is the only one who remains silent.

“All right, everyone,” Kenji says. “Adam and I will get the food going, and the rest of you can take turns washing up. Also, I hate to be super obvious here, but there’s only one bathroom, and we all have to share, so let’s please be aware of that. Adam’s got some supplies, but not too much, so let’s be frugal, okay? Let’s remember we’re living on rations now. Consideration is crucial.”

There’s general consent and lots of nodding, and everyone busies themselves with a different kind of preparation. Everyone except Castle, who sits down in the single armchair and doesn’t move. He seems to be doing worse than Brendan and Winston, who happen to be in actual physical pain.

I’m still staring at the two of them when Ian slips away from the group to ask me if I have anything to help patch up Brendan and Winston. I assure him that I’ll use whatever supplies I’ve got to fix them up as best I can. I always have a little medical kit at home, but it’s not extensive, and I’m not a medic. But I know enough. I think I’ll be able to help. This cheers up Ian significantly.

It’s only once Kenji and I are busy preparing food in the kitchen that he brings up the most pressing issue. The one I’m still not sure how to resolve.

“So what are we going to do about Juliette?” Kenji asks, tossing an Automat packet into a bowl. “I’m already worried we waited this long to go after her.”

I feel myself pale. I don’t know how to tell him I had no immediate plans to go back out there. Certainly not to fight—not after what happened to James. “I don’t know,” I say. “I’m not sure what we can do.”

Kenji stares at me, confused. “What do you mean? We have to get her out of there. Which means we have to
break
her out of there, which means we’ve got to plan another rescue mission.” He shoots me a look. “I thought that was obvious.”

I clear my throat. “But what about James? And Brendan and Winston? And Castle? We’re not doing too well over here. Is it okay to just leave them here and—”

“Dude, what the hell are you talking about? Aren’t you in love with this girl? Where’s the fire under your ass? I thought you would be dying to get to her right now—”

“I am,” I say urgently. “Of course I am. I’m just worried—it’s so soon after they bombed Point that I just—”

“The longer we wait, the worse it’s going to get.” Kenji shakes his head. “We have to go as soon as possible. If we don’t, she’ll be stuck there forever, and Warner will use her as his torture monster. He’ll probably kill her in the process without even meaning to.”

I grip the edge of the counter and stare into the sink.

Shit.

Shit shit shit
.

I spin around at the sound of James’s voice, listen for a moment as he laughs at something Alia said. My heart constricts just
thinking
about walking away from him again. But I know I have a responsibility to Juliette. What would she do if I weren’t there to help her? She needs me.

“Okay,” I sigh. “Of course. What do we have to do?”

After breakfast, which was actually closer to lunch, I tend to Brendan and Winston for a bit, and set them up on the floor so they can get some proper rest. James and I had collected a decent stash of ratty blankets and pillows over the years, so there’s just enough to go around, and thank God for that, because it’s cold as hell. We even wrapped a blanket around Castle’s shoulders. He’s still barely moving, but we forced him to eat, so at least he’s got a little color in his cheeks now.

With Brendan and Winston settled, Ian and Alia and Lily fed and comfortable, James safe and sound, and Castle resting, Kenji and I are finally ready to initiate some new plans.

“I’m going to go out,” Kenji says. “Get on base and get nosy. Listen for rumors and whispers of what’s going on—maybe even find Juliette, give her a heads-up that we’re coming for her soon.”

I nod. “That’s a great start.”

“Once I know more about what’s going on, we can make a firm plan, scoop her up, and bring her home.”

“So as soon as she’s back,” I say, “we’ll have to move again.”

“Probably, yeah.”

I nod a few times. “Okay. All right.” I swallow hard. “I’ll wait here until you get back.”

“Sounds good.” Kenji grins, and then he’s gone. Disappeared. The front door is yanked open and yanked closed, and I’m staring at the wall and trying not to freak out too much about what’s going to happen next.

Another mission. Which means another chance to screw everything up and get ourselves killed. And then, if we’re successful, we’re rewarded with more running, more instability, more chaos.

I close my eyes.

I love Juliette. I really do. I want to help her and support her and be there for her. I want us to have a future together. But sometimes I wonder if it’s ever going to happen.

This isn’t easy to admit, but part of me doesn’t want to put James at risk again—on the run again—for a girl who broke up with me. A girl who walked away from us.

I don’t know what the right thing is anymore.

I don’t know if my allegiance is to James or Juliette.