Shattered (18 page)

Logically, I knew he had no idea what he was talking about.  Garrett and I never even attempted a romantic relationship and even though Jesse and I had, it never took off.  I was surprised by the sound and feel of my hand across his face, but the reaction was instinctive. No one was going to talk about or disrespect the two people I loved most in this world. His reaction was the same as mine.  When the back of his hand caught my cheek, I felt the band of his obnoxiously large silver wristwatch gash my bottom lip open.  When I tasted the blood and he saw it, he retreated to his truck, letting his true cowardly nature take over. “Fucking bitch,” he had to get one last verbal shot in before climbing in his truck.

The engine roared to life. I stood, still shocked by what had just happened, and watched him whip the truck around driving away from me.  Leaving me alone, in the dark as the rain started to fall again.  I fumbled my cell phone from my back pocket and quickly dialed the one number I’d neglected all week.

I’d already made it to the end of the field road when I saw the lights of Jesse’s Jeep approaching.  The closer they came, the more my tears fell.  The pain I felt on the right side of my face and the bleeding cut on my lip was nothing compared to the pain I felt for allowing myself to end up alone on that dirt road.  When he saw me, the Jeep was in park and he was standing in front of me before I had a chance to open the passenger door.

“I’m so sorry, Lyss.” He wrapped his arms around me pulling me to the safety of his chest and kissed my forehead. “I’m so sorry. I should have never let you go with him.”  I sunk into him, inhaling the scent that I’d tried to forget, between sobs.

“No.” was all I could manage to get out as I fought to catch my breath. It was my fault.  I should have never wanted to go with him.  I was just being stubborn and trying to get a rise out of Jesse.  Now he was blaming himself for my stupidity.  I couldn’t make out the words to tell him otherwise. He held me for a few more seconds before helping me inside the Jeep.  He must have made it home between rain showers, because the cover was on the Jeep. The warmth and dryness inside the cab was a welcome relief.  We were both completely soaked.  When Jesse climbed in behind the wheel, the dome light illuminated my face and he finally saw the cut on my lip.  A look of shock wiped over his concerned face as he pulled my face between his hands and angled me toward the light to get a better look.

“I’m fine.” Ashamedly, I tried to turn away from the light.  I probably deserved what I got.  I didn’t need to make Jesse feel bad about that too.

“I’m gonna fuckin’ kill him,” he shouted as his fist pounded against the steering wheel causing me to jump.  When he saw how shaken I was, he turned back to me.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”  He pulled my head to his shoulder and gently stroked his fingers through my tangled, wet hair.   I finally managed to get my tears under control enough to look at him.  His face was tortured with expressions of regret and rage.

“This isn’t your fault.”  I had finally stopped crying long enough to speak. “I should never have gone with him.  You warned me.” I tried to muster a smile to calm his nerves. “I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you and I’m even sorrier for how awful I’ve been to you.”

His hand pushed my wet hair back from my face. “This isn’t your fault either.  I shouldn’t have acted like such a dick today.  I’m too stubborn sometimes to think rationally.”

“Me too.” I chuckled trying to relieve some of the tension.  It was unspoken in that moment, but I think both of us realized just how much Garrett kept us from butting heads.  With him gone, there was no one to control the chaos that could ensue when we didn’t agree about something.  

He smiled, before turning his attention back to my swollen, bloody lip. “This is
his
fault.”  His eyes narrowed as he wiped the blood from my mouth with the pad of his thumb.  I leaned back, trying to escape the sting that accompanied his action.  “I’m gonna…”  He started to vent the wrath that was directed toward Collin.

“Not tonight.” I pulled his hand from my face and took it in mine. “Please.  I just want to go home and forget about him.”  

He bit back his anger, “Okay.”  He settled back into his seat and reached over his lap with his other hand to shift into drive, keeping our hands joined together.  We drove to my house without speaking. Hand in hand.

There was so much more I wanted to say to him.  I finally felt like I could talk to him about the accident and everything that had happened since.  From the way he reacted tonight, I suddenly started to wonder if Jesse hadn’t been blaming himself for the accident, just like I had.  I was too drained from today to start a conversation that I knew required a longer amount of time than the ride to my house.  He pulled from my grasp, briefly, to put the Jeep in park.  He leaned over, embracing me one last time.

“Thank you for coming to get me, Jess.”

“Anytime. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he whispered in my ear. “We have a lot to talk about.”  He pressed his lips to my cheek before pulling away.  He’d kissed my forehead earlier, but this was different.  It wasn’t out of concern or comfort.  I could tell the kiss on my cheek was one of wanting by the way his lips lingered on the corner of my lips.  I felt the weight that I’d carried for almost ten months lift from my shoulders.  I wanted to lean in and put my lips on his, but I could tell by his face that he wanted to wait for tomorrow, after we talked about everything that had stood between us for this long.  He wanted a fresh start and so did I.  I’d waited this long for him, I was sure I could stand one more day.

I watched him leave from the shelter of my front porch before going inside.  As his taillights faded, I finally felt centered.  As soon as I walked through the front door and saw my mother’s face, I knew exactly where I got my jumping to conclusions gene.

“He did this.” Her voice raised as she took my face in her hands, the same way Jesse had just done.  “
That boy
hit you!”

“It’s not what you think.” I began the daunting task of explaining the night to my mother. But she didn’t listen.  Her mind was made up,  Jesse was the same kind of person her parents were.  

“This is exactly why I told you to stay away from him.” She was shaking a little by the time my father pulled himself from his recliner and walked into the foyer.

“Mom, it wasn’t…”

“What’s going on?  What happened?  Are you okay?” My dad’s questioning of the situation cut me off as he took a good looked at my busted lip.

“Jesse Vaughn, that’s what’s going on.  Look at her face, Paul.”

“He wouldn’t do that,” he tried to defend Jesse.  He knew, just from a week of working together, that he wasn’t the kind of guy who would hit a girl.

“Well he did.  He just dropped her off.”  She put her hands on her hips and shook her head, “When I told him to leave, I really thought he’d stay away.  It was stupid for me to think that.  People like him do what they want.”

It took me a moment to realize exactly what she’d just said.  I knew what I heard, but I had to ask. “What did you just say?”

My father dropped his head, he’d realized the same thing I had.  My mother was the reason that Jesse left all those months ago.  It wasn’t him or me.  It was her.

“You told him to leave?” I really wanted her to tell me that I was wrong in my assumption, but she couldn’t. Her silence and pursed lips told me that she’d wished she hadn’t let it slip. The contempt I felt for her at that moment took over my face.

I stormed up the stairs to my room, slamming the door behind me.  I reached the desk drawer and pulled the orange bottle out.  I twisted off the cap before realizing I didn’t want or need to forget everything that had happened.  I’d fallen into the habit of taking a pill every time things became too much.  I walked into the bathroom and poured the contents of the bottle into the toilet, flushing away the any chance of relapse.  Without a plan, I started to pack a bag with the sole intent of getting as far away from my mother as possible.  Unconsciously, I knew exactly where I was going.  I had enough clothes for a couple of days, my make-up, glasses and an extra pair of contacts.  I zipped the bag and walked out the door, leaving my new blue room behind.  When I reached the bottom of the stairs, my father was trying to console my mother as she turned into a blubbering mess.  A sight I’d never seen.

“Where are you going?” he asked as she turned from his shoulder to look at me.

“Please don’t leave,” her words hovered somewhere between begging and demanding.  “I shouldn’t have…”

“No, you shouldn’t have.”  I had one foot out the door.

“Please Alyssa, just listen to me.  I just wanted you to have a good life.  I wanted you to end up with a nice guy in a stable home.  Like I did.”  My father must have told her about our talk the other night.  I could tell by her face that she knew I was aware of all the skeletons in her closet.  But I couldn’t forgive her for sending away the one person I needed more than anything.

“I get what you were trying to do.  I’m sure you just wanted me to end up with a nice guy.” I felt a cruel smile, built up from the years of my mother’s behavior, cross my lips.  “You probably wanted me to end up with a guy like Collin, right?”  I focused in on her eyes, not letting myself see the tears that were falling down her cheeks.  “He’s from a good family and goes to church every Sunday. He has money, so my future would be set. Right?”

“Alyssa, I…”  She tried to talk, but I couldn’t let her, I needed to get it all out.  My dad was torn between the two women in his life, and I felt bad for him, but this was between mom and me.

“Guess what?  You condemned the wrong man.  He might look like the perfect guy for me, but he’s also the one that did this.”  I pointed at my lip.  Walking out the door, I slammed it shut on my mother’s shocked face.

Jesse

I tried to relax and let the hot water pulsating from the showerhead melt the tension from my neck.  It wasn’t working.  I turned to face the water., Leaning forward I rested my forearm against the wall and looked up to feel the heat on my face.  I may not have been calming down, but at least I was warmer than when I’d been driving around in soaking wet clothing. My knuckles were still white from the harsh grip I had on the steering wheel as a flew down County 5.  I knew I told Alyssa I’d let
it
go for the night, but that didn’t stop me from driving by Collin’s house and cabin. He was a lucky little bastard that he was nowhere to be found.  I assumed he was hiding out.  It was a smart move on his part, but he couldn’t hide forever.  I would find his worthless ass and he’d get what he had coming.  He wasn’t going to get away with laying his hands on her.  It was bad enough that he’d tried to force her to do something against her will, but slapping her across the face was probably going to land him over at the cemetery, right next to Garrett, who’d surely continue the ass kicking when he arrived on the other side.

I cranked the water off and stood in the heat of the steam, wiping the water from my face, when I heard a knock at the door.  I reached out, grabbed the towel and quickly dried the water from my legs before slipping on the gray sweats and black t-shirt I’d brought into the bathroom with me.

I figured it was Hap coming to check up on me.  I’d called him as soon as I dropped Alyssa off to see if he had any idea where I could find Smolder.  I don’t even remember what I said to him.  I’m sure I gave him a rundown of what happened.  When he said he didn’t know where Smolder was I hung up and continued looking on my own.  I cracked the door and started to tell Hap that I was fine, when I saw her brown eyes staring back at me.  My instinct was to smile in her presence, but once I pulled the door open completely to see the sadness that she was carrying in her eyes and shoulders, I panicked.

“Is everything ok?  Did Collin do something else?”  I quickly pulled her through the door, leaving the bag that sat at her feet on the stoop.  She was still wearing the same wet clothes I’d dropped her off in and they’d only gotten more soaked on her way here. Placing my hands on her shoulders, I pulled her to face me.  “Tell me!”

“I’m fine.” She tried to appear calm.  As soon as the first tear slid down her cheek, I knew that she was not.

“You’re not fine.” I took the towel I was holding in my right hand and wrapped it around her shoulders. My hands moved to her face as my thumbs wiped the trail of tears from her cheeks.  “You’re crying.  Tell me what happened.”  My chest tightened with every ragged breath she took.

“My mother.”  She placed her hands on mine and pulled them down to lead me over the sofa.  “I know what she did, Jess.”  We sat down on the beige sectional couch that sat in the center of the room.  I reached over and tugged the cord of the lamp on the end table, switching it on.  “She told me that she was the one that sent you away.  I’m so sorry.  All this time I’ve been blaming you for leaving me when it was all her fault. Tell me what she said to you.”

“It doesn’t matter why I went to Florida, all that matters is that I’m here now.”  I pulled the corner of the towel up and wiped away the mascara that had run under her eyes.

“It does matter. I…” She paused as her eyes squinted in confusion, “You went without me?”

I dropped the towel and my head.  It had been our plan to go to Florida together. “I… I…” I stumbled for the right words to say. “I’m sorry.  I tried to… I came to your house that day to ask you to come with me.  I thought we could both use a fresh start.  I even looked into the high schools down there so you could graduate.” I pulled my lips together, unsure if I should tell her about the entire conversation. I couldn’t be responsible for ruining her relationship with her mother.  I knew Alyssa was going to have a hard enough time forgiving her as it was.  

She placed her hand on top of mine and begged with her eyes.  Seeing the hurt and confusion staring back at me, I knew I had to tell her.

“She told me that you wanted me to leave.  That you…”

“What?”

“That you couldn’t stand to look at me.  She said that you’d told her you couldn’t stand to look at me after what happened to Garrett.”