Shattered (2 page)

“Don’t even think about it, Hap.” I pushed his face away with my hand, causing him and January to laugh.

“It was worth a shot.” He pulled his arm from around my neck and scratched his sandy blond head. “I didn’t want to graduate from this place with any regrets.”  His smile was contagious.  He was blonde and perfect, just like his girlfriend, and the adorable dimple on his cheek only added to his charm.

“Jan, doesn’t it bother you that your boyfriend tries to kiss me every morning?” I teased my friend.

“Please,” January grabbed Hap’s face with her hand, squeezing his cheeks between her thumb and fingers, “I’m the only one who would want this guy.”  She placed her lips on his, stealing a quick kiss.  She knew that it wasn’t true.  Lots of girls would have given their right arm to have a sweet, funny guy like Hap Wilson.  Lucky for January, he only had eyes for her.  He still looked at her the same way he did back in Jr. High. He worshiped the ground she walked on.

“She’s right.” Hap kissed her back. “Nobody else could put up with my shit.”  I envied the way they were with each other. It reminded me of something I almost had.

“Evans! Wilson!”  The announcement stopped us dead in our tracks.  We looked down the hall to see Mrs. Shaffer, the high school English teacher, standing with her hands on her hips.  Her narrow-framed reading glasses held tight on the tip of her bulbous nose. “If this wasn’t the last day of school, that would be a detention for PDA!”

“Sorry, Mrs. Shaffer!” January quickly pulled away from Hap, leaving at least foot between the two of them. The blush ran over her heart-shaped face.  She’d always been a model student.  She was top of the class, Student Council President, head cheerleader and Homecoming Queen, so getting yelled at by a teacher, or in any kind of trouble, for that matter, was the last thing that January Evans wanted to do.

“Consider it an early graduation present,” Mrs. Shaffer smirked. “Now get to class!”

“I swear she is such a bitch,” Hap whispered as we turned to walk through the classroom door.  He always acted like he didn’t have a care in the world.  Truth be told, he was a straight-A student and captain of the basketball team, so he didn’t feel like putting anything negative on his record either. “I’m totally gonna make out with you in the middle of the gym, just as soon as they hand me that diploma,” he said, smacking January on the butt with a smile. “I’m eighteen years old and I can’t even kiss my girlfriend in this place!”

We laughed as we all took our seats and settled in for our final History lecture.

The day passed quickly. Before I realized it was the last hour of our final school day.  I headed with January and the rest of the senior class into the school gymnasium to do a walk-through of tomorrow’s graduation ceremony.  I stilled at the sight of the gym. I  took in a deep breath as I was overcome with the sadness and regret that now haunted me daily.  Rows and rows of rickety old folding chairs were arrayed across the honey-colored wood floor in preparation for the crowd that would amass to see the class of 2012 receive our diplomas, forever freeing us from the hallowed halls of Harrington High School and sending us into the “real world,” as so many put it. We would be adults. It didn’t matter where I was, or what I was doing, something always seemed to rear its ugly head and remind me of everything that was gone. I already had a taste of what being an adult was like and would give anything to avoid the sorrow that came along with it.  In the real world, people died, or left, and there was nothing you could do about it. “Death is a part of life,” I remembered my mother saying, in a less than consoling way, “you’re almost an adult now, Alyssa, this is just something you need to deal with.”  The thing is, I wasn’t an adult.  I was two months from seventeen when it happened and was in no way prepared to deal with the situation that had been forced upon me.  I’d have given anything to keep the innocence that was ripped away.  Up until that point, the only person that I had known who had died was my great grandma. She was ninety and had numerous health problems. It was expected.  Eighteen year old boys with their whole life ahead of them weren’t supposed to die. The invincible feeling that teenagers have the we can take on the world view had been shattered.

  It might have been selfish of me to think that my classmates hadn’t been affected by the loss. They were friends with him too, but I knew they couldn’t even begin to fathom the loss or the total helplessness I felt.  Their biggest concern at that moment was celebrating graduation and as much as I wanted to forget everything and join them, I couldn’t.  I couldn’t put on a smile and pretend that I was happy, when I wasn’t. I’d tried, but the feelings I had were too much to push aside.

“You ok?” January stopped her forward pace and settled by my side, taking my hand in hers. She knew that seeing the chairs only brought back the memories.

“I’ll be fine.” My head and shoulders dropped and I stepped out of the hallway, through the double doors into the gym, knowing that I needed to try and make it through.  I only had to be in that gym today and tomorrow.  Then I was done.  I stared at my feet, not wanting to catch the sympathetic looks of my classmates as we walked across the back of the gym. We turned and headed up through the gap between two sections of chairs that served as a make shift aisle.  Everyone knew that being in the gym was hard for me.  I could tell by the silence that fell over them when I crossed their paths. I didn’t need to look into their pity-filled eyes.  They were waiting for me to lose it. To break down.  To fall apart the way I’d done before.  As we crossed the half-court line, the aggressive eyes of the hawk painted on the floor stared up at me. The artist who created the homage to Harrington’s mascot surely intended for the rendering to serve as an intimidation tactic to let the opposing basketball and volleyball teams know that the Hawks were out for victory. However, all I saw was the taunting glare that I’d avoided since last August. The same glare that silently judged me and reminded me what happens when you have a
change of plans
.  I quickly shifted my gaze away from the two-dimensional bully. I couldn’t escape the anxiety that was setting in as I felt my chest tighten and my heartbeat accelerate.  I pulled my hand from January’s and wiped the thin layer of sweat that had formed on my palms down the sides of my shorts. I turned my attention to the podium that sat directly under the far end basketball hoop, hoping to ward off the oncoming panic attack.  Tomorrow, January would give her valedictorian speech from behind it, but my mind flashed to the minister giving the eulogy at Garrett’s funeral.  The funeral home in Harrington had not been large enough to accommodate the sheer number of people that came to pay their respects to Garrett and his family.  They’d been forced to use the one place in the town that was large enough,
the gym.
  I remembered hearing that the final count of visitors was well over a thousand, but I could barely remember a single face from that day.  I looked over at the two seats that Jesse and I had sat in that day when we said goodbye to our best friend.  I remembered all of the words of sympathy and hugs that I received, but couldn’t tell you who said them or who had placed their arms around me. On that day, all I could think about was blaming myself for what had happened.  I had been able to subdue the feelings by avoiding places that reminded me of the past. I hadn’t been to a single sporting event this year.  I managed to get out of PE by having a half-day work release.  Now, all I had to do was make it through graduation, appease my parents by walking down that aisle and keep the town from thinking I couldn’t handle it. I’d been wrong to think I could be there without being overcome by the grief.  It had been almost nine months, but being in the place where I’d last seen Garrett’s face, albeit cold and lifeless, was too much.  “I can’t do this.”  I turned to January and fought to hold back the tears that had formed. I quickly ran out of the gym, still never making eye contact with my classmates.

I should have been celebrating my graduation with the rest of my class, but instead all I could do was think about the one person, no, two people, that were now gone.  I ran out to the parking lot and quickly got in my car, anxious to get as far away from the school as possible.  Pulling out of the lot, the memories of my last day with Garrett flooded my mind.

It was Friday, August 19
th
, 2011.  School had been back in session for a week and I couldn’t wait for that bell to ring releasing me into my first weekend as a senior.  When it finally tolled, I quickly shoved my books in my locker.

“Hey girl!” January bopped up beside me and opened her locker, taking her book bag out. “You going to Smolder’s tonight?”

“I think so.”  Collin Smolder was a couple years older than us and his folks owned a riverside cabin about five miles outside of town. Once a month, Collin threw a huge party.  He was notorious bad boy, but his dad’s position as the town mayor seemed to have kept him on the right side of the law, despite his bad habits and dangerous ways. When he had a party, everybody went. “Garrett and Jesse said something yesterday about going.”

“Well, if your boys are gonna go, then you don’t really have a choice, do you?” She laughed.

It was true.  They were my boys and where ever they went, I went.  For the past six years, I’d spent every free moment I had with Garrett and Jesse.  Garrett was waiting for me out in the parking lot after school.  I practically had to jump up in his supped up truck.  It was his pride and joy.  He’d spent hours at his dad’s garage customizing it.  It looked completely different than the white Chevy truck he’d originally purchased.  Now, it was lifted up off the ground on four giant tires.  He’d tinted the windows and installed an obnoxiously loud exhaust system.  You could hear that truck from a mile away. I didn’t understand what it was all about, but it made him happy. So, it made me happy.  Besides, I would have ridden in a soap box derby car with Garrett Reynolds.

“Hey princess!” he greeted me when I finally managed to maneuver into the vehicle.  The nickname Jesse had bestowed upon me in the driveway all those years ago had stuck, but Garrett wasn’t the little boy I remembered back then.  His sweet, round face was now chiseled and he‘d shot up at least a foot and half since junior high.  His shoulders were broad and his frame exceptionally muscular. The sheer size of him made him appear menacing, but his gentle disposition and willingness to go above and beyond for his friends made him a big teddy bear.  He’d played center for the basketball team in high school and was unstoppable under the basket.  He kept his blond hair buzzed short and his gray eyes sparkled when he smiled.  It was impossible not to want to be around him.  

His climb up the popularity chain had continued since 7
th
grade.  Everyone loved him. Especially me.  He was the one person, no matter what was happening in my life, I could count on.  The dynamic of the Terrific Trio was this… I was the dramatic one, Jesse was the stubborn one and Garrett was the one who reminded us both to breathe.  He was always the one to calm me down, when I swore my world was ending.  He was the one who would convince Jesse to come down off his high horse and compromise.  More than just that, he was the one who held us together.  Garrett, Jesse and I had weathered many storms together.  I’m not sure exactly how many times I was forced to defend our relationships.  People couldn’t believe that a girl could be best friends with two boys and there not be any romantic interests.  If I was on the outside, looking in, I probably would have thought the same thing. Then, I always remembered the one time, my freshman year, that Garrett and I had been forced to share a kiss.  Those were the rules of the spin the bottle.  When our lips touched it may have been the most awkward feeling I’d ever had.  There was nothing but the desire to end it.  Yes, he was cute, and for my first kiss, I’m sure his technique was acceptable, but it didn’t set off any of the fireworks I’d heard so much about from the other girls my age and it certainly wasn’t anything like the kisses I’d seen in movies.  That’s when I knew that Garrett would never be anything more than my best friend.  I’m pretty sure he felt the same way because we never spoke of that kiss again and he often emphasized our sibling like relationship by calling me “Sis” and saying “She’s like my sister” whenever anyone would insinuate that there was more to our arrangement.  Jesse never called me “Sis” and as close as we were I never looked at him without thinking about what it would have been like if that bottle had landed on him.

“How was your day?”  The sarcastic smile on Garrett’s face let me know that he was mocking the fact that I still had to go to high school.  Since he graduated the year before, his days were spent at his leisure, minus the two one-hour classes he and Jesse took at the community college located about 30 miles away.  

“I cannot wait to get out of this place.” I tossed my bag in the backseat and smiled, “Only 175 days until we can pack up and hit the road.”  The three of us had big plans.  The boys had stuck around Harrington to wait for me to graduate.  Come next summer, we’d be on our way to the sunny beaches of Florida.  Jesse’s uncle owned a charter fishing boat company and he’d offered us jobs.  Actually, he offered Jesse and Garrett jobs and they negotiated the terms to include me.  The boys would take on the roles of deck hands and I would take care of running the office.  There was a small college in the same town so we could all attend classes when we weren’t working.  I couldn’t wait to have the cornfields of Harrington behind me.  I was desperately looking forward to the sun, sand and saltwater.  To get away from this podunk town located somewhere between the middle of nowhere and B.F.E.

Garrett dropped me off at my house that day and told me that he and Jesse would be back to pick me up for the party around 7:00 p.m.  I couldn’t wait to spend the night out having fun with my boys.

I wiped a tear from my eye as I turned onto Main Street, which served as our town square.  It was called a square, but in actuality, it was more of a rectangle.  The two opposing one-way streets, with a parking strip in the middle, were capped by Route 22, the highway that ran through town, and Washington Street, that led back to the school. The once bustling village center was now only a shadow of what it used to be.  The one redeeming quality was the row of four original red brick buildings that stood connected on the left side.  The block was constructed in the late 1800’s and now housed four businesses: Danner’s Diner, the one restaurant in town, Vaughn’s Tavern, which was owned by Jesse’s family, The Harrington Herald, the town’s weekly newspaper, and on the end was Harrington Bank and Trust. It was probably the town’s most thriving business.  In a town full of farmers, whose families had been here for generations, the bank was never short on business.  The only things greener than the money in the vault, were the John Deere tractors that help generate it.