Shattered (25 page)

 My parents had offered to let me come home. Well, my dad did, but I wasn’t ready to face my mother or her judgment.  She’d been right.  Jesse was no different than his parents or my grandparents.  He only thought about what was best for him.

January let me borrow some of her clothes, while the apartment was still closed off.  The fire and police departments were finishing their investigation and trying to build a case against Collin.  I kept myself busy by working at the flower shop, but I only went in when I knew that Jesse had left for work and left before he was off.  I was grateful that my dad kept him busy, so he couldn’t come looking for me.  I focused all of my attention on work, trying not to let my scrambling emotions get the best of me.  As much as I wanted to forget about Jesse, I couldn’t.

“Hey sweetie, can you grab a dozen white peonies and arrange them in a vase?”  Wendy popped her head through the swinging door and called to me in the back.

“Sure.”  I pulled myself from my mindless tidying and pulled the flowers from the cooler.  Their sweet smell wafted past my nose as I carried them to the workbench.  I wasn’t near the artist that Wendy was, but I could arrange a simple vase of flowers with the best of them.  Once I had them proportioned in the square vase correctly, I went to the door and called to Wendy.  “What color ribbon should I tie around it?”

“Pick your favorite, honey, the customer said to use whatever was the prettiest,” she answered.  I shrugged and went back to my work with her suggestion.

I went over to my neatly organized box of ribbons and pulled a fuchsia gossamer ribbon from its spool.  The bright pinkish shade popped in contrast with the pure white flowers that were spilling over the edge of the vase.  I smiled as I stood back and observed my work.  Not too bad.  I brushed my hands together, while mentally patting myself on the back.

Over the next couple of days, I arranged five very similar arrangements.  Five all white displays of all roses, lilies, tulips, hydrangeas and daisies, each topped off with whatever color ribbon I saw fit.  I never saw the order form, but I knew whoever was receiving all these flowers was one lucky girl.  They were beautiful.

It was a few minutes before four and I knew that Jesse would be off work soon.  I was walking out the door to head back to January’s house when I saw Kelly cleaning the front windows of the bar.

“Hey!” she yelled out as I tried to slip into my car undetected.

“Hi,” I answered, pretending as if I hadn’t seen her.

“Come here.” She waved me over, opening the front door of the bar.   I followed her lead, deciding it was better than causing a scene in the middle of town.  I knew she was going to ask me about Jesse.  She was his sister. Of course, she’d take his side.  As I walked across the road my eyes focused on the burnt edges of the stairwell door.  When I stepped into the dimly lit pub I saw her sitting on the barstool closest to the door.  She greeted me with a smile.

“Hey Kel,” I walked over beside her and leaned against the bar, pushing a stool aside with my hip.  I didn’t want to get too comfortable in case Jesse showed up or Kelly started laying into me about everything.

“How are you?” She wrapped her arm around my shoulder and rested her head against mine.

“I’m okay.”  I held my head to hers for a moment, before returning to my original stance.  “The bar looks good.  No real damage?”  I asked while looking at the ceiling for traces left behind by the fire.

“No,” she shook her head, “no real damage down here.  The upstairs looks worse than it is.  Just need to replace a few boards, clean, and paint.”

“That’s good.”  I was grateful that it wasn’t that bad.  I felt partly responsible for the whole mess anyway.  If I would have just stayed away from Collin in the first place, he wouldn’t have been after Jesse.

“That’s why I called you over,” she drew my attention back from the shame spiral I was gliding down.  “They’ve cleared the building.  You can go up and get your things if you want.  It’s safe.”

“Oh, sure.”  I felt a twinge of disappointment when she didn’t mention Jesse’s name.  I may have ended things between us, but I still wanted to know that he was okay.

“Just take the back stairs up.  He’s not home, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

“No,”  I lied, I was wondering.  I started to head for the back as I wondered about more than if he was home.  I let my curiosity win, “How is he?”

She turned on the barstool, letting her black ponytail whip around her shoulders.

“He’s a mess.” Her green eyes filled with concern and their dark shade only reminded me of Jesse more.  “I haven’t seen him this upset since Garrett died.”  I felt my heart fall into my stomach as I remembered how distraught we’d both been that day.  “I don’t think he’s eaten since you left.  I’m pretty sure his diet consists of alcohol these days.  You broke his heart, Alyssa.”

I felt my face twist into a defensive stare. “I broke his heart?  Really?!  What about mine?”

Kelly’s face softened as she saw my tormented look.  “I’m not saying Jesse didn’t make mistakes, but do you know how hard it was for him to let you in?  He doesn’t trust people.  I’m the only one who hasn’t left him.”  I saw anger cross her face, but it wasn’t directed at me. “Our parents really screwed him up and then Garrett died.  He’s never been good with emotions.  For some reason they always just turn to anger.”

I shook off the tears as I thought about that sad boy from junior high and the distraught man who paced around at the scene of the accident.

“I didn’t think he was ever going to come back from Florida, but when he did and the two of you finally got together he was completely different.  He was happy.”

“I never meant to hurt him, Kelly.  It’s just hard to watch the person I love the most in the world sabotage everything we have over a vendetta against a lunatic.  I begged him not to fight with Collin, but he did it anyway.  When he took off after the fire, it was too much.”

“Like I said before, I can’t defend all of his actions, but I know that boy loves you,” she said softly before wiping a tear from her eye.  It eased my heart a little to know that Jesse had such a loving sister.  At least she’d be there for him even if I couldn’t.

“I know he loves me, but what if that’s not enough?”  I asked before heading up to gather my things.

I made it up the stairs before I really let the tears fall.  I started to twist my hair up into a bun when I walked into the apartment.  Jesse must have already cleaned up a lot of the mess.  The burnt out door was gone and replaced with a few pieces of plywood.  Most of the black soot had been cleaned up and what remained would have to be painted over.  As I crossed the living room and started down the hallway, I pulled my gray t-shirt up and wiped the tears from my eyes.  I let it fall back to my waist as I walked into the bedroom, only to see every single white arrangement I’d made that week scattered around Jesse’s bedroom.  I slowly walked through the room, smelling each bouquet and taking in the surprise that I felt when I saw them all.  I noticed small cards sticking out of each cluster of flowers.  All with my name scribbled across them.  

I pulled the first one from the roses:
The first time I saw you sitting in the junior high hallway.  
The lilies:
The day that you stuck the Jeep in the mud.
  The peonies:
The night of your birthday, when you wore the green sundress.
  The hydrangeas:
You in the navy blue prom dress, the one your mom hated.  
The tulips:
The day you said you’d be my girl.
  The daisies:
Every day that you wake up in my arms.  
I smiled as I read them, not knowing exactly what they meant, but seeing Jesse’s handwriting and knowing that he was thinking about me was all that I needed.  All of the unease I had about our relationship was starting to melt away.

When I’d collected the last note, I was standing next to the dresser and I noticed a new picture frame sitting on top of it.  The photograph from prom was centered behind glass. The sides of the frame were wide and filled with glass mosaic.  There was no rhyme or reason to the design, each of the pieces was scattered around and ultimately mixed in beautiful unison.  There was a familiarity in the smooth glass pieces, but I couldn’t quite figure out where they’d come from.  As I rubbed my fingers over each of them and admired the happy teenagers looking up me it dawned on me.  I looked over at my nightstand and noticed the glass jar I’d filled was empty.

“You like it?”  The deep, rich tone of his voice cut straight through me. “I asked Wendy to make it for you.”

“I love it,” I replied, not lifting my head.  I was sure that once my eyes met his, I was done.  “What are these?”  I held up the notes.

“All of the times I’ve fallen in love with you.”  I couldn’t not look at him after that.  I turned to see his sad evergreen eyes focused on the floor.  Kelly was right.  He was a mess.  I don’t think he’d shaved in a few days and he may have lost a few pounds.  He kept his hands shoved down in his pockets and shuffled his food back and forth across the hardwood.  “Well, not all of the times.  I think I fall in love with you every day.  I didn’t think you’d see them.  I just ordered all the flowers because I knew you’d need something to do to take your mind off everything I screwed up.”

“Jess.” I started to move toward him, the sweetness of his confession reminded me exactly why I was in love with him.  “I…”

“It’s ok, Lyss.  I get it.” He still hadn’t looked at me.

“You get what?”  I stopped my hand from reaching out to touch him.

“You want to leave.  It’s fine.”

“You think this is what I want?”  I placed my hand on his cheek and pulled his face up to meet mine.  The pain and regret that filled his face broke my heart into a million pieces.  I could see a glimmer of the man I loved and knew that no matter how many times I had to pull him back from the edge, we belonged together. “That is the farthest thing from what I want.”

Jesse

I really hadn’t expected her to come back.  I was fully prepared to pack up her belongings and deliver them to January’s house.  When I walked into the apartment and found her in the bedroom I contemplated dropping to my knees to beg her to stay.  That never worked on my parents, so I didn’t expect it to work on her either.

I knew if I looked in her eyes I was going turn into a pleading moron, so I kept my eyes down.  I felt her soft, warm hands on my face as she pulled it up to hers.

“That is the farthest thing from what I want.”  The light sparkled in her chocolate eyes, giving me hope.

“Be with me then.”

“I can’t.  It’s too hard.”  She brushed her thumb over my cheek.  I watched as her mouth said one thing, but her eyes declared the opposite.

“I know you love me, Lyss,.”  I said, grabbing her wrists with my hands and pulling her closer to me.  “Be with me.”

“I want to Jess, but I can’t deal with you running off like some renegade every time something crazy happens.  You shut me out every time when we are supposed to be in this together.”

I knew she was referring to the incidents with Collin, but it went deeper.  She may have said that she forgave me for leaving when Garrett died, but I knew a part of her was still upset up about it.  I couldn’t blame her.  I should have been there for her and let her be there for me.

“You have to forgive me.  I know I promised you I was done with him.”  I dropped my hands from her and she pulled hers from my face.  “I’m so used to dealing with things on my own; I don’t know how to share the burden with someone else.”  I started pacing the room, while drawing my hands behind my neck.  “I was just so upset when I thought about him hurting you.  First, he hit you.  Then the fire.  I was scared of what could have happened.  What if we couldn’t have gotten out this place?”

“We did get out.  I got out because of you.”  She walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed.  I fell to my knees in front of her and rested my hands on her thighs.

“Please give me another chance.” I looked into her eyes and knew that everything she felt for me was still there.  She needed  me as much as I needed her.  “Please.  I can make you happy.  It’s going to be hard.  I’m stubborn, I know, but we can make this work.  I can make this work. I can be the man you want me to be.”  Her lips crashed into mine and I knew that she believed me.  I stood up, pulling her body against mine, our mouths never parting.  Our lips pressed together as if they’d regretted ever being apart.  I didn’t know how, but I was going to change the person I’d become.  Alyssa was my whole world and I was going to make damn sure I didn’t lose her again.

“I swear.” I pulled back to look at her, “I’m going to love you for the rest of my life.  It’s me and you. Together.  I’ll never leave you again. ”

“I know,” she smiled.

Jesse

I watched as she dug her toes into the sand and let the waves rush over her feet.  She tried to fight back an excited giggle, but failed.  I would never admit it, but the first time I saw the ocean I had the exact same reaction.

“Pretty cool, huh?” I asked as I walked up behind her and took her in my arms.

“It’s amazing.”  She leaned her head back against my chest and I rested my chin on her shoulder.

Alyssa and I had been in Florida for all of ten minutes before she insisted on going to the beach.  Perfect timing really.  The sun had just begun to disappear into the horizon of the Gulf and the sky looked like a watercolor of pinks and oranges that had been painted just for us.

It was crazy to think, but less than forty-eight hours ago, Alyssa and I were surrounded by our friends and family as we said good-bye to Harrington.  Of course, my sister and January had insisted on a going away party.  We had more than a “Bon Voyage” to celebrate. Collin Smolder had been sentenced to seven years for Aggravated Arson that morning.  His daddy’s mayoral connections didn’t have any leverage once the State’s Attorney pressed charges against him.  Served him right.  I would sleep better knowing that he was behind bars.  The third cause for celebration came unexpectedly… an engagement.