Shattered Rose (19 page)

He was still for a long time and then whispered in my ear, “Can I just stay with you tonight? We won’t do anything. I just need to feel you next to me.” He looked up at me and I nodded, lost in his eyes, remembering all the reasons why I fell in love with him to begin with. He smiled at me, almost as if he could read my mind and got under the covers. He was on his back and I rested my head on his chest as he held me. It felt so familiar, so right that I fought sleep as long as I could for fear it would all disappear in the morning. 

The sun coming in my window woke me from my sleep as I felt around for Jake. He was gone, and just as I feared, my heart suddenly felt very empty and cold again. I went next door to
Issy’s room to check on her, but she was gone too. I knew she was planning to go shopping, but never imagined she would actually make it. I shook my head; Issy never ceased to amaze me.

I showered and cleaned up the room, trying to make it look as perfect as it had when I got there yesterday.  I glanced at the bed one more time before I turned out the light and shook my head. So much of my relationship with Jake was a mirage, so real when I was in the midst of it, and then gone in an instant.

I walked into the kitchen and left Diana a note, thanking her for her hospitality. The comfort and warmth I felt when I walked in yesterday was gone; it just felt dark and empty now.

I felt depressed as I drove home, the weight of the week suddenly weighing on my shoulders. My phone beeped, and I grabbed it as quickly as I could, hopeful that it was Jake. It was just the grad student reminding me to take the sample today, as if I could possibly forget. I rolled my eyes and threw my phone down. I hated today. 

I got home and unpacked, but my mood was still foul. Parker was getting back today too, and we had talked about meeting up at the library again and possibly going to a movie. For some reason, it didn’t have the same appeal. I sighed, frustrated with myself for being such an idiot, and left to go take samples for the fiftieth time. The whole walk to the lab, I could feel my conscience gnawing at me, but I pushed it down.

I daydreamed of Jake, remembering our kiss in the kitchen, his broken manner in my room last night. It was consuming me. He was consuming me, just like before.  I tried to make sense of him, why he was so mysterious. How he could turn it on and off so quickly and effectively. He seemed to need me, to want me, but yet he was gone…again.

The hours in the lab drug on forever, but finally my time was up, and I trudged back to the apartment feeling just as defeated as I had earlier. I approached the building and immediately noticed that Danny was sitting on the top step near our landing. My heart constricted for a minute. He looked just as miserable as I felt.

I sat down next to him and patted his leg. “You doing ok?”

He let out a heavy sigh and looked out over the lake. “Not really,” he admitted. “Did she say anything to you?” He turned to me, his eyes almost hopeful. I didn’t know what to say. How could I tell him it was all just in his head, and Issy felt nothing for him but irritation?

“She just mentioned that you two weren’t seeing each other anymore,” I lied.

He shook his head and then ran both of his hands up through his hair, leaving it standing straight up. “It makes no sense. Things were amazing. I mean, more than amazing, and one morning she was gone, and that was it.”

I didn’t know what to say so I just ran my hand along his back
, attempting to comfort him.

He sent me a weak smile and then continued, “Its my own fault. I mean she told me the first night that she didn’t do serious. I didn’t care at the time. I mean, being around her is intoxicating and in the midst of it, you don’t even think about the hangover. Then she just kept saying yes when I’d ask her to do things and when
things between us got physical, I just assumed we were on the same page.” He grabbed his hair in frustration. “One stupid word!”

Watching Danny was like watching myself through a different lens. I had thought the same thing, so sure Jake was my forever.

“Danny, I know this won’t make you feel better, but I don’t think that one word changed anything. It may have sped it up a little, but in the end, Issy is Issy.”

“So it’s really over? She
won’t change her mind?” he asked sadly as if realizing it for the first time.

“Well, I wouldn’t dare to ever guess what’s going on in
Issy’s mind, but chances are more likely that she won’t.”

He let out another sigh and then stood up. I followed suit
, and he squeezed my arm before ascending the stairs to his floor. The defeated way he walked matched my own as I unlocked my apartment and slid into bed.  I felt too depressed to cry…just wanted to sleep.

It was six o’clock on a Friday night, and I was still lying in my bed. It was pitiful, and I was at my wits end with it. I got up, determined to be a stronger person, a better person. I made my bed and threw on some decent clothes. I would go into Asheville and walk the gallery strip, knowing that I would feel better tomorrow.

My mind lingered on the closet. I still had food in there. It would be so easy. Issy was gone until tomorrow, and no one would ever know. I looked at the calendar. It had been six days, the longest I had gone since breaking up with Jake. I took a breath, and pushed the thought out of my head. No! I was not going to do it!

I grabbed my coat, determined to escape the temptation and almost ran right into Parker, who was about to knock on the front door.

“Hey!” he said, obviously surprised to see me in such a rush. “I was worried about you. I thought you were going to meet me?”

I backtracked into the apartment, feeling more uncomfortable around him than I ever had before.  I turned and set down my coat, trying to stop my hands from fidgeting with my shirt.

“Yeah, sorry about that. I just wasn’t up for studying today,” I lied, still not making eye contact with him.

I heard him shut the door and walk towards me. “Your place is great. No wonder everyone fights for these apartments. It
’s twice the size as mine.” He put his hands on my arms and I jumped, heading right into the kitchen.

“Do you want a drink?” I asked, trying to sound natural. He gave me a confused look and then went over to sit on the lip love seat, running his hands back and forth over the upholstery.

“Let me guess…Issy?” he asked with grin. He was trying so hard to lighten the mood, and each time he did, I felt more horrible. It was like there was a chasm between us that I couldn’t cross, and suddenly the guilt of Jake started to overwhelm me. I stood in the kitchen, not saying anything, and he got up again to walk over to me.

“Avery, what’s going on?” he asked, careful this time not to touch me.

“Nothing, I’m just tired,” I lied. “It was a rough couple of days, and I’m really not up for doing anything tonight.” His proximity to me made me sad. The comfort and closeness I’d always felt with him wasn’t there. Tears threatened my eyes, and I walked away again to my bedroom. I heard Parker sigh and then footsteps behind me. I didn’t know why he wouldn’t just leave.

“Ok, so you are starting to worry me. Did something happen last night after we got off the phone?” His voice was full of concern, and he took my arms in his hands again, firmer this time so he could turn me around to face him. “You can talk to me.”

I looked down at my feet, unable to look him in the eyes. He was so good, and I knew I had to tell him, even if the consequences meant I’d lose him. I moved out of his arms again and sat on the bed, still fidgeting.

“Parker, I don’t know what we are to each other, and because of that, I don’t know what’s ok and what’s not ok.” I took a pause, knowing I wasn’t making any sense. “I wasn’t totally honest with you when I told you I spent Thanksgiving with
Issy.”

“How so?” he asked, pulling up my desk chair so he could look me in the eye.

“I didn’t just spend Thanksgiving with Issy.  I also spent it with Jake.” The words came out just louder than a whisper, and I looked down at my feet not wanting to see his reaction. He stood up and walked across the room. His stride was rigid, and I watched as his hand began to rub the back of his neck.

“So you two are back together,” he said flatly.

I stood up quickly. “No, we’re not. It’s not like that at all.” I paused again, knowing I had to tell him, but not wanting to. “But, we kissed…and I’ve felt so guilty about it, I just didn’t know how to be around you.” I didn’t know why, but it was like the minute I told him, the chasm closed. I felt his comfort again, even with his back to me, and wanted more than anything to touch him and somehow convey to him what I was feeling.

“Anything else?” he asked, turning to look at me. He was visibly hurt, which stabbed at my heart more than I expected it to. I wanted to say no, to end the conversation, but I knew I had to tell him the rest.

“We slept in the same bed…but nothing happened.”

I watched as he ran his hands over his eyes and then behind his neck as though he was trying to relieve the tension he was feeling. I wanted to make it better—to take it away somehow.

“I’m sorry Parker. I didn’t plan on it. I didn’t even really want to. It was like a freight train that once it got started, I couldn’t seem to slow it down.” I knew I was trying to justify my actions, to make them less offensive, but nothing I could say would do that.

“Then why did you?” His question was direct, honest and I didn’t know how to answer it.

“I don’t know,” I said, frustrated. “I still care about him. I don’t want to, but I do. But we’re not back together, nor are we ever getting back together. It was just a slip.” I looked him right in the eyes, wanting to get back to that place where he would hold my hand and make the entire world seem possible. “I’m really sorry.”

It was as if my words healed the wound, because he walked right over to me and hugged me so tightly I wanted to cry. I had missed him, and didn’t even realize how much until that moment. He released me and cupped my face with his hands.

“I don’t know what we are either,” he admitted, intently looking at me. “But I know one thing, I have no desire to kiss anyone else, and I definitely don’t want you kissing anyone else. Why don’t we start there?”

I looked at him and smiled, feeling the tears bombard my eyes. “That sounds great.”

He leaned in and his warm lips softly covered mine, sending electricity all the way to my toes. There was no desperation when I kissed Parker, only sweet comfort. We stayed locked together until he pulled away and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, guiding us back into the living room.

“So, are you going to take me to a movie, or what? Because you bailed on me today, and Sheila wasn’t there, so I had no choice but to study in silence the whole time. It was pure torture!” He was back to his old self and I laughed, so happy that things felt normal.

“Quiet in a library? Oh, the horror!” I teased as we walked out the door. Maybe I didn’t hate today so much after all.