Shifting Gears (7 page)

“He’s picking me up for dinner
tomorrow night so we can talk.” I shake my head and throw up my
hands. “Cass. I don’t know what to do. I mean, I told him okay, but
that’s because I was still in shock over everything that happened.
And damn it, all of it, Cass, all of it was pointless. All it took
was one kiss, and I gave in. Just. Like. That.” I grit my teeth.
“What did I learn? Not a goddamn thing, apparently.”

“Well, how did you feel when he kissed
you?”

I take a deep breath. I know I can’t
lie to my oldest and dearest friend. “It was like no time had
passed between us.” I sigh as I flop onto the couch. When I look
over at Cass, she’s grinning. “Stop, Cass. You know this isn’t
good. I feel like I’m letting him walk right back in the door.” I
rub my eyes. “How can I do that after everything he put me through?
You know how long I waited for him. I can’t do it.”

“I know, hun, I know, but maybe you
should hear him out, you think? I can’t imagine what would force
him to leave like he did, not able to at least tell you. But,
honey, here’s your chance to finally find out. Shit, you think
maybe he killed somebody and he’s been racked up all this
time?”

I jerk my head up to her with
alarm.

Oh my God. What if that’s
it?

Cass must see the fear in my face.
“Kidding. Kidding. Sorry, just trying to make you laugh a little.”
She puts her hand on my shoulder. “I know you’re afraid, but it
really sounds like he wants to explain things to you.

“I love you, and I’m here for you, but
I really think you should at least hear him out. No matter what you
decide, I’ve got your back, and if you finally want me to kick his
ass, I’m game for that too.”

God, I love her. She always knows how
I think and knows exactly what to say to calm me down.

I don’t want to think about Holt
anymore. At least for tonight. I need to breathe.

“I need to call Clay, let him know
it’s not his fault. That he couldn’t have changed anything, because
I was on that dance floor, and I knew Holt was watching. I wanted
him to see.”

“Damn straight, Nik.”

“I need to call him but not tonight.
Tomorrow. When my head is back on straight. God, how much did I
drink, anyway? I can’t
believe
I let that guy dance with
me!” I stand and head toward the hall, to my bedroom.

“Yeah, he was an ass, but before he
summoned his death wish, you have to admit you were having fun. I
was watching. You should let go like that more. Didn’t it feel good
out there, not caring who was looking, not thinking, just having
fun. Even for a few minutes?”

I drop my gaze to the floor, knowing
once again that I can’t lie to her. “Honestly? Yeah. It was. But
you and I both know it was only because of the alcohol and hoping
Holt was watching. You know that’s not me. I can’t be like you or
Ang.”

“One day, Nik, one day you’ll see
what’s inside you, clawing to come out. You got it. You just don’t
know it. I hope like hell I’m around when you realize
it.”

“Okay. Enough talking. I need my
pillow.” I walk back to her and wrap my arms around her. After Dad
died, Cass became my rock. Her and Aunt Helen both. With talks like
this, she reminds me how much I need and love her.

“Love you,” I whisper.

“Love you. Always. And no worries.
Everything will be okay. I promise.”

I don’t have as much faith as Cass
does as I pull my phone out to put it on charge and see a new text
message from “Holton.” I catch my breath and goosebumps rush across
my skin.

He remembered. I was the only one who
ever called him by his full name. Holton. I loved it from the first
time I discovered it. I don’t think he liked it, but he never
stopped me.

I open the text to read: “
I could
never forget...H
.” My lips part, almost on their
own.

I drop to my bed and stare at those
words, forever, it seems. I find myself slowly bringing my phone to
my face, remembering that he’d used it. His scent is still there. I
breathe him in, the familiar smell sending tingles through my body.
I fall asleep that way, holding my phone, breathing him in,
remembering.

I wake up with the sun shining, and
all the events from the night before come crashing back to me. I
can’t believe I acted like that. That wasn’t me, and to think that
jerk-face even danced with me in the first place. Me? Really? Then
I remember why I was out there like that.

Holt.

Just thinking about his touch, his
kiss, sparks the growing hunger. I have a decision to make, and I
know what I need to do.

Around one o’ clock, I get the first
text.

“Thinking about you, babe.
Trying my best not to come over to that hospital and kidnap you.
See you tonight...H.”

I don’t respond, because I’m not
going. I switched shift coverage with one of the other doctors,
which will keep me at the hospital well past seven
o’clock.

I’m eating lunch with Katy when the
next text comes in.

“How’s your
head?”

Thoughtful. I’m still not responding,
though. I really hate that in my weak moment last night, I freely
handed my cell over to him, allowing him access to me. Damn it. He
probably would’ve gotten it on his own anyway.

“Are you okay, Niki?”

Good thing I don’t play poker. My
feelings must be all over my face. Fear and lust. All at the same
time. I’m scared shitless about what Holt’s going to do when he
discovers I’ve ditched, yet desperately want his arms wrapped
around me again. God. What a slippery slope.

“Sorry, I just have a lot on my
mind.”

It hits me that I still need to call
Clay. There’s no way in hell I want him blaming himself for the way
everything went down, and he needs to know he had no control over
it.

“I’ll be right back. I need to make a
phone call real quick.” I push my chair away from the table and
dial his number, walking outside. I leave him a message and walk
back in to Katy as she’s leaving a tip on the table.

“Sorry. Ready?” I ask.

“Yes, ma’am. Everything okay
now?”

“Yes, yes. Sorry. Just needed to
return a call to a rep for one of the drug companies.” God. Kind of
scary how quickly that lie came out.

She looks at me with her brows
scrunched and her eyes squinting but doesn’t say a word.

****

Before I know it, it’s five o’clock,
what would’ve been the end of my work day, but with changing
shifts, I’m working until eleven unless an emergency comes in,
keeping me longer. I’m in the drive-thru, grabbing dinner, when my
cell rings.

Please don’t be
Holt.

I reach for it with trembling hands.
It’s Clay. Thank God. I answer quickly, anxious to talk, to ease
his mind.

“Hey, sugar lips (my nickname for him
when I’m trying to cheer him up.) I wanted to talk to you about
last night. I—”

“I am so so sorry, sweetheart. I feel
like absolute shit for leaving you with that ass and then having
that madman of steel go all commando and shit.”

I can’t help but laugh at that. It’s
true, actually. Holt is a madman, he is made of steel...those steel
arms...those rock hard legs...and he did go commando.

“If I’d stayed with you, none of that
would’ve gone down like it did. Nik, I got to tell you though, that
was some hot shit watching him in action. Picking that punk up off
the floor like that and punching the living shit out of him. Gave
me a mini, I swear.” I pull the phone away from my ear, not wanting
to hear any more. Seems Clay has now been lured in by the addictive
persona that is Holt Maddox too. Not even trying to think about the
fact that Holt can now make Clay cream his pants. I hear his
laughter end and pull the phone back to my ear, focusing on trying
to convince him that last night wasn’t his fault.

“Well, sweetie, Cass told me how you
were beating yourself up for walking away, but who’s to say hot guy
jerk-face wouldn’t have done the same thing anyway? I mean, he was
obviously drunk as shit to be dancing with me in the first damn
place, so I’m pretty sure he would’ve still done it. Holt would’ve
still gone commando and reacted the way he did.”

“Wait, what?” Clay says, but I
continue.

“So you, my dear, were not at fault. I
love you for worrying about me, and I love you for trying to stop
Holt from leaving with me. I got him out of there, away from you,
because I didn’t know if he would do the same thing to you. That
was stupid though, because now I’m stuck with him having my cell
number and thinking we’re having dinner tonight...and that’s after
I let him kiss me.”

I wait for Clay to respond, but
there’s nothing. Silence.

“Clay, you there?”

“Um yeah, I think I’m stuck on how you
figure the guy had to be drunk to dance with you. What kind of shit
is that, Niki? You know, last night, for that brief moment, before
he turned out to be an ass, it was actually amazing to watch you
finally come out from behind that shield you’ve got around you.” He
lets out what sounds like a frustrated laugh. “You think guys don’t
approach you because they’re not interested? Um no... It’s because
you look unapproachable. You’ve got it all, sweetheart, the brains
and the beauty. So different from all the other chicks that roll at
The Rox, and they know it. Those guys last night saw their chance
with you, and they jumped on it.”

“Stop it, Clay. You don’t need to tell
me that. I’m a big girl, in more ways than one, and I know the
score.”

Clay starts laughing. “Sweetheart,
that’s precisely what makes you different and what guys dig. Your
curves, baby. Drives them wild because you don’t flaunt it. It’s
almost like you don’t know what you got…although, I’m starting to
realize maybe you really don’t.”

“Whatever.” I don’t believe a word
that’s coming out of his mouth, because I see. I know. “So, are we
good now? No more beating yourself up?”

“Yeah, I’m good.” Then his voice
deepens and he whispers. “So now, focus. I need details. The kiss.
What was it like to kiss that badass commando full of
steel?”

“Yeah, not going there.”

“Aww, come on, Niki-cakes, don’t be
like that. I’m trying to live vicariously through you!”

“Ha! Since when has my life been more
exciting than the illustrious Clay Winters’?”

“Since that badass hot fucker walked
back into town, love, that’s when!”

“Clay! Not going there. There’s a lot
you don’t know and right now, over the phone, is not the best time
to get into it. I have to get back to work. I traded with one of
the other doctors to take the hospital shift tonight, to get out of
dinner with him. So do you want to get a coffee or something to eat
after I get off?”

“Yeah, sure, but why are cancelling on
him? I don’t understand.”

I can’t delay telling him about
Holt—how he left, what it did to me—much longer. I let out a sigh.
“You will.”

After wolfing down my dinner in the
car, I head back to the hospital. I purposely shut my phone off
because I don’t want to be reminded nor do I want to be overcome by
weakness if I start reading texts or hear my phone ring. All
thoughts of my bail out and of Holt are washed from my head, at
least temporarily, as the night is extremely busy.

By the end of my shift, I’ve treated
more than ten patients, including Miffy, an older boxer that was
hit by a car. He’s been coming to Hobbs for years, and I’ve become
very attached to him. Well, really, I’m attached to all my
patients. I mean, I’d only met Kilo once, and I was instantly in
love with him. Such is my heart. Thankfully, Miffy’s injuries are
only minor and, after a night in the hospital for observation and
some healing time, he’ll be back to his normal self.

I run through all the charts with
Wesley, who’s taking the next shift and check on Miffy one last
time before heading out. I call Clay and tell him to meet me at the
diner then try to get rid of some of the collection of animal hair
covering my scrubs. After I run a brush through my hair, pinning it
up again, I throw on some lip-gloss so I can at least feel a little
cleaned up before going out into non-four-legged-friend
land.

If I’d known I was going to make
plans, I would’ve grabbed a change of clothes. It’s just Clay
though, no big deal. He’s seen me in worse than blue scrubs with
cute little puppy dogs all over them. I pull out my phone, figuring
I’m now safe from temptation since it’s well past eleven. Surely,
Holt got the hint and any texts or phone calls stopped hours
ago.

Yeah, I couldn’t have been more
wrong...

I have seven missed calls and about a
dozen texts, not all of them from Holt. Some from Cass. I ignore
Holt’s and call Cass.

She answers on the first ring and
screams into the phone. “Niki! Why haven’t you called me
back?”

“We’ve been busy. And I turned my
phone off. I didn’t want to get caught up in reading texts or
seeing him call.”