Short Back and Sides (9 page)

13 November 2009

There has been much controversy about Dónal Óg Cusack's coming out, and it didn't escape barber-shop conversations.

Customer:
In a shop in the midlands I went to pay for my newspaper and saw that the old woman behind the counter had the paper open at the page with Dónal Óg's interview, so I asked her what she thought of Dónal announcing that he was gay. ‘Ah,' she said, ‘I think it's all in his head!'

20 November 2009

Not since Roy Keane left the Irish team in Saipan, not since Stephen Ireland refused to wear green has there been such anger and disillusionment, and now there's that awful feeling of injustice. All day every day since the World Cup qualifier on Wednesday every customer in the barber shop has been talking about the match!

It seems that the argument for a video ref in soccer is more valid than ever. Fans watching at home have more information than the ref, and they know what happened, with the advantage of slow-motion replays, whereas the ref is left to what he and the linesmen have seen in real time.

A customer who was at the match told me that the replay on the big screen in the Stade de France was shown from a different angle, making it difficult to spot the handball. It was fans at home watching who texted their friends at the game, telling them. Of course, there were others who had seen Thierry Henry's handball as it happened—Trapattoni being one. So we might be out, but maybe our protest will go down in history as the case for video refs in soccer.

It brought back memories of Maradona's ‘Hand of God' that put England out of the World Cup. One of the papers ran the headline ‘Hand of Frog!'

22 November 2009

What a weekend! Cork, Clare, Galway and Limerick all got the worst of the flooding. England is another story. A customer told me that after the quay wall collapsed in Cork there were people going through the city in kayaks. You read it here first: Cork is the new Venice.

Limerick had made a 100-foot green Christmas tree (from recycled metal), and it was being put in place in the River Shannon when it broke from its moorings and sailed away. It came to a sudden stop when it crashed into a bridge, causing it to be closed to traffic. Chaos, lads, chaos!

1 December 2009

We were talking about the moving statues that were in the news recently . . .

Customer:
There was a statue of the Virgin Mary in Adare that never moved, so some joker put a sign on it saying, ‘Out of order'!

Barber:
That's brilliant.

Customer:
It was in the paper and all. Trim those hairs in the ears there, will you? She's always trying to pull them out when I'm watching the telly.

2 December 2009

While we were talking about traffic jams in Dublin, the subject of SUVs and the traffic chaos around schools came up.

Customer:
It's chock-a-block around the schools with the mothers dropping off their kids in SUVs. They just stop on the road and hold everyone up. It's madness!

Barber:
I see it all the time. There's nowhere for them to park, though, but they shouldn't stop on the road.

Customer:
Well, a woman held me up outside a school the other day, and then I'm down at the shopping centre, and there she is again, trying to park and holding everyone up again! The biggest SUV I've ever seen—huge it was. Shouldn't they do a separate driving test for people who drive them? I mean, they never do any ‘off-roading.' They just use them to drop the kids to school and pick up the shopping!

Barber:
It's a very expensive shopping trolley.

Customer:
It's desperate, though. Maybe the recession will help a little, and they'll have to use more economical cars. Women, eh? Can't live with them, can't live without them!

Barber:
You know the barber shop is probably the only place left where you can talk like this nowadays.

Customer:
Or Portmarnock Golf Club!

4 December 2009

When the lay-offs began throughout the world, a customer who works for an international company with offices in France told me this story:

Customer:
There were some lay-offs in our branch, but when they tried to lay staff off in France it was a different story. The staff stuck together and locked the managers in their offices. They allowed the secretaries to get the managers a change of clothes and food each day. This went on for a few days until the decision to lay off staff was reversed. No charges were pressed, and everyone went back to work. They're doing it all the time over there now. Whenever there's redundancies announced, the managers are locked in. It's called boss-napping!

Barber:
You don't mess with the French.

7 December 2009

Customer:
I was out playing golf the other day. It was fairly late, and as it was so early in the week there was hardly anyone out on the course. So I was just taking it handy practising, and I teed off at the eighth hole. It's a really difficult hole to play, and I never got par—always a shot or two over—and this time, with no-one there with me to see, I got the ball on the green! I was delighted, but at the same time I was raging that noone was there to witness it. So as long as I didn't mess up now, I could go under par.

As I was walking up to the green, which is on a rise that slopes down on the far side to the sea, I saw three lads waving to me from the next tee box. I thought for a minute they were congratulating me on my shot, but they kept waving, and I realise now they were trying to stop me walking up to the green. When I did I could see what the fuss was about: over the rise of the green, just out of my sight, until I got close enough, I saw a stark-naked woman with long dark hair sitting up, and from the look on her face and the moans she made, she was in the throes of passion. She was sitting on top of her partner, and their clothes were just thrown all around. My ball was lying only a few feet away from them.

The lads who were trying to get my attention were watching this and probably thought I'd disturb the romp, and they were trying to stop me going onto the green. But, like I said, I had never even got par on that hole, and I was determined that this time I would. So, despite the lovebirds, I walked up to the ball to putt it. I could hear the couple going hard at it a few feet to my left, still in rapture. I don't even think they knew I was there.

I lined up the shot, took it and watched as the ball rolled down with the slope of the green and went into the hole. ‘Yes!' I roared, and the couple froze. I looked at them with a beaming smile on my face, and she looked back at me in shock. I couldn't see your man. I picked my ball up and put my club away, and, as I was walking past the couple in my moment of glory, I said, ‘Looks like we all got our hole today!'

8 December 2009

Customer:
I was at the Pogues gig the other night. Man, it was brilliant! Shane MacGowan said that the beer tray is the best traditional Irish instrument!

Barber:
The beer tray? How do you play a beer tray?

Customer:
He hits it off his head. You know, like a drum.

Barber:
Now why doesn't that surprise me!

9 December 2009

Customer:
I thought I'd better get my hair cut today because I might not be able to afford it tomorrow.

Barber:
Yeah, the media are making it out that the whole country will be like Limerick in
Angela's Ashes.

Customer:
And Gormley? What's he doing? Looking for over a hundred grand to count frogs?

Barber:
I heard that Enda Kenny said Gormley was hopping mad. You know they're calling them the Light Greens now?

Customer:
Why don't we just hand the country back to the English? Then we wouldn't have to go up North to buy drink, and they might build a few schools too.

Barber:
Or the French . . .

Customer:
Oh, no, not after Henry's handball. No, we should just march the Government down to Dublin Castle—I wouldn't let those lads run the Tayto factory, by the way—a few of the bankers and bishops too, and have a firing squad waiting. The police would be on our side, after the pension contribution fiasco. Then we could get rid of NAMA and start again—just like rewinding the clock back to 1922.

Barber:
That would fix it. We might get it right this time. Independence isn't easy!

10 December 2009

This story came up recently in the shop, and no-one believed it except for the customer whose hair I was doing and who brought it up in the first place. The third ‘secret' of Fátima was a mystery. I remember hearing that it foretold the end of the world and the events that would unfold as that time approached. But this knowledge was only known to the Pope. To most it wasn't important, but it preoccupied some, and they became known as Fátima fanatics. Now, the third secret was published a few years ago, and it didn't seem as dramatic as we had been led to believe. But, during the years when it was unknown, it drove a particular monk to do something reckless—on an Aer Lingus flight! I heard the story shortly after it happened from a customer who worked for the airline. The story went something like this . . .

Barber
(as the customer sat in the chair): Hi, how are you?

Customer:
I've just had a hectic week!

Barber:
Why? What happened?

Customer:
We had a plane hijacked that was going to England but ended up in Paris.

Barber:
My God. Who did that?

Customer:
Believe it or not, it was a monk, and he threatened to set fire to himself and blow up the plane!

Barber:
That's mad. A monk! Was anyone hurt?

Customer:
No, thank heaven. There were 113 people on board. It was one of our planes, so we had to go over to sort it out.

Barber:
So what were his demands?

Customer:
That's the strangest thing about his hijacking: he wanted to know the third secret of Fátima!

There was silence for a moment as I looked at him in the mirror in disbelief.

Barber:
And did the Vatican tell him? [I asked, hoping they did, and that now he was going to tell me!]

Customer:
No, the plane was stormed by French Special Forces at Le Touquet, and they arrested him and took him away.

Barber:
That's some story!

12 December 2009

Customer:
Did you hear about the gay football team in Tallaght?

Barber:
No, are you serious?

Customer:
Yeah, and guess what the team is called.

Barber:
I really have no idea.

Customer:
Men United!

13 December 2009

Barber:
Will you be watching the rugby tomorrow?

Customer:
Jaysus, no, I don't watch that kiss-chasing!

14 December 2009

Customer:
What is it with that Tiger Woods story that everyone is so obsessed with?

Barber:
It certainly has everyone talking, all right. Are you a fan?

Customer:
No, I'm not interested in golf at all, but that cocktail waitress he was with—man, she is something! In my estimation he's gone from zero to hero now!

15 December 2009

A couple of American tourists in Dublin ask a local person, ‘Excuse me, is that Christ's Church over there?' The Dubliner says, ‘Well, as far as I know, love, they're all his!'

16 December 2009

A story from a few months ago that made the headlines: A certain bank claimed that it knew nothing of the party held by the Institute of Technology, Tallaght, in a local bar, where erotic dancers were booked for a night. The bank was allegedly using it to promote student accounts. (You got a free ticket when you opened an account.)

Customer:
I'm studying in the Tallaght Institute.

Barber:
Oh, yeah. Did you know about that erotic dance night?

Customer:
That was gas. Everyone was talking about it.

Barber:
And did the bank know?

Customer:
Sure they did! The students were going in asking if they could open a stripper account!

17 December 2009

I was feeling a bit down with the recession and the weather and with the ‘doomsday budget' approaching, but my next customer was about to change my outlook.

Barber:
Hi, what will we do today?

Customer:
Cut it shorter than usual. I'll be away for a few weeks for Christmas and the New Year.

Barber:
No problem. Where are you off to?

Customer:
Siberia.

Barber:
Siberia! it must be extremely cold over there right now.

Customer:
Yep, up to minus thirty. My wife is from there.

Barber:
And here I was feeling sorry for myself because it won't stop raining here. You wouldn't be able to go out in temperatures that low, would you?

Customer:
Well, my wife said we couldn't go ice-skating if it gets below minus fifteen. It's dangerous: last year a bus broke down travelling between two villages, and when the rescue party arrived everyone on the bus was dead.

Barber:
I guess I've little reason to complain.

Customer:
The economy is pretty bad too. It's like going back in time when you arrive over there—like the sixties or seventies was here.