Shutter: The Complete Series (19 page)

 I shift my camera to a couple. She’s wearing a red sequined dress, and he’s in a black suit with a pale blue dress shirt. His black and blue tie hangs loosely from his neck, displaying the change to a night of leisure. Their hips press together as their bodies sway in perfect sync with the pounding music. The vibe radiating off them is pure sensuality. Their eyes are locked as his hands fist in her hair and pull her closer. I focus the camera on their entangled feet, her red stilettos a sharp contrast to his dress loafers. Their legs mingle together as numerous pairs of legs shifting to the music fills the space behind; they’re all living in this moment of pure satisfaction.

Swinging my camera strap over my shoulder, I follow the perimeter of the crowd to the other side of the room. My eyes are ever watchful for the perfect shot to capture the ambiance of Surf. The greatest difference between this work and when I spent my time photographing Niko is now I have to imagine what would appeal to my target audience instead of simply capturing what I find alluring.

With Niko, I watched him until the scene he set up naturally evolved into an enticing moment before my eyes. Now, I have to envision the moment and set up models for it, or hunt it down in the unknown subjects before me.

I scan the crowd, ever vigilant for the perfect shot. Watchful eyes of the patrons occasionally follow me as I pass by, but are quickly redirected to the mass of people swarming around them. Suddenly my gaze lands on a man masked by the shadows on the far edge of the dance floor. He’s standing alone and looks out of place as he stoically leans against the wall, seemingly unfocused on anything surrounding him, but I can feel him watching me, his eyes burning a trail of recognition over every inch of my flesh. My eyes fight the darkness trying to make out his face, but the shadows cast perfectly to block my vision.

My heart rate increases as hope swells inside me that the watchful eyes belong to Niko. In the pit of my stomach I know my desire for it to be him is wrong, but my heart refuses to listen and remains steadfast in its want. I’ve missed the connection I felt with Niko, even before he knew me; the act of photographing him and experiencing his life alongside him allowed a sense of belonging to bloom within me. It was a feeling I’d lost along with Stephen and modeling; a hole in my heart he so easily filled. Even though I’m not that same lonely person any longer, I still miss feeling tied to something bigger than myself. The time I spent with Niko allowed me to see what I’d been feeling for him all along was genuine – and then it wasn’t anymore. Now all of that is lost to me, thrown away in a mix of lies and deceit we both share the fault in.

I’d spent so much time building him up in my mind, it took him completely deceiving me to knock it to the ground. The distance I forced on us was effortlessly constructing a new pedestal for my mind to place him on. With the distance came the wondering and imagining his faults weren’t true, and he was still the perfect man I’d always seen him as. This was Nikolas Gallo, after all. I’m not sure my heart is capable of not caring for him. Even if the “him” I cared for wasn’t his true self, I will always believe his mere existence saved me from sinking into a black hole of despair at a time in my life when I’d lost everything.

I slowly steal glances at the shadowy figure while trying to remain focused on my current task. I lift the camera from my shoulder and click several shoots of the crowd, not caring what I actually capture. Swiftly moving my feet, I side step closer to him when I spot a woman rushing from the center of the dance floor, she launches herself straight into his arms. He lifts her effortlessly from her feet as their lips connect and my entire world splinters.

I watch completely frozen. Even though he’s moved more into the light I see less of his face; it’s blocked by the woman currently attached to his lips. Fear grows in the pit of my stomach as an inner voice booms all the self-doubt I’ve planted over the past weeks. I should have known, none of it was real. The entire thing was just imagined in my head. The feelings I thought he felt for me weren’t real. I’m the only one that ever cared.

Tears spill down my cheeks as quickly as the pedestal I’d rebuilt for him crashes to the ground. In a matter of minutes my emotions have been caressed back to life then dragged over the fiery coals of brokenness with nothing more than a glance at his figure.

I never even considered Niko would be a factor in my night, much less that seeing him would spark the embers of feelings obviously still living inside me. The timing was just bad after seeing him at Brock’s combined with trying to reacquaint myself with my camera without him on the other side of it. Yes. I can tell myself this, lie for the benefit of my own shattered heart.

My phone vibrates in my camera bag slung across my body. I pull my blurry eyes from the scene in front of me and direct them to my phone. It’s a text message from Stephen.

FYI Niko’s here, security spotted him.

I don’t bother to text him back; I already discovered the news on my own. I take three large steps backwards, away from the still kissing couple and bump into something that sends me jolting forward. Rough hands grip my upper arms and swiftly turn me, pulling me against a warm body. I fight to pull back, but the force grows stronger, holding me tighter. I feel us move as a single entity, away from the dance floor and under the stairs leading to the VIP section.

A familiar scent tickles my nose as it’s pressed against a black shirt. I fight to tilt my head up to steal a glance at who is pulling me away from safety, but all I can see is the hard line of a scruffy jaw.

“What are you doing?” I ask, hoping my shaky voice is heard. My feet fight to grip the floor to stop our movement, but whoever has me is much too strong.

When we’re completely underneath the large staircase, hidden from any watchful eyes, we come to a stop. My breath syncs with the chest I’m pressed against. Both of us are heaving and out of breath, me from trying to fight, and my captor from trying to stop my fighting.

“Brook, stop.” I hear the words from an all too familiar voice, and my feet stop kicking immediately. His arms loosen, allowing me to look up into Niko’s dark eyes.

“But…” I try to reconcile what I just saw on the dance floor with the man before my eyes.

A sly smile spreads across his beautiful face at my confusion.

“That wasn’t me.” Before he can say anything else, my arms snake around his neck, and I lift on my tiptoes to hungrily find his lips.

A moan slides from my throat at the feel of his skin, the taste of his tongue tangling with mine, the roughness of his whiskers – I hadn’t realized exactly how much I’d missed every part of him until this very moment. My conscience screams this is a mistake, but my heart refuses to listen.

Niko doesn’t need much persuasion from me, his hands wrap around me, lifting me off the ground, my feet dangling.  His breath catches as my lips frantically draw him in. Neither of us hesitates, demanding the physical connection from each other that has been lacking during our forced separation.

My hands tangle in his messy hair, tugging lightly just to believe he’s actually real. His mouth releases mine, nudging at my jaw to move to my neck. I tilt my head back allowing him complete access as he swirls his tongue past my earlobe and skates down my neck. I feel his cock growing, and it makes my impulses intensify. I need to feel him inside me, to feel the connection we shared – I need to know it’s real.

I grab at the front of his jeans, and he lowers me back to my feet. Unzipping his jeans, I slide my hand inside and wrap it around his hard length. A rush of air blows through my hair. I look up and see his teeth gritted and his eyes rolled back in pleasure. His hips slowly rock against my hand as I move up and down his shaft. My hand fits him perfectly as if they were made for each other. I pause and roll the pad of my thumb over the silky tip and realize I haven’t touched another man since him; the thought of another man hasn’t even entered my mind. Yes, I’ve kissed Stephen, but I never had any intentions for anything more. I’d longed for a connection with Stephen to replace the hole that formed where Niko used to reside, but what I have with Stephen could never compete with Niko, no matter how badly I try to make it. I love Stephen like I love Brock and Paul, not like how I feel about Niko. What I am seeking with Stephen won’t solve a fucking thing. Instead, it has simply grown to hurt me further, and more than likely Stephen and Niko in the process.

“No one else,” Niko grunts out as his hands envelop my face and pull me flush with his. His mind must be replaying the past few weeks just as I am, remembering the time we’ve missed.

I shake my head, “No one else.” I parrot back, offering the same knowledge he’s just given me.

He eyes penetrate mine, revealing a hint of distrust at my words as his hips stop swaying to the movement of my hand.

“Stephen?” he asks, and I know what he wants to hear.

“No,” I state, unsure what I should tell him. Yes we kissed and slept in the same bed, but that’s it. I feel small and stupid for needing to explain myself and my actions to him. My eyes waver from his stare and move to the dark wall behind us.

“Brook?”

“No,” I say again with a little more force and pull my entire body away from his touch. “No, Niko, no one.”

We pause and stare at each other. His face is sullen, and the dark rims around his eyes mirror how I know I look under the layers of makeup I hide behind. His hands move to his pants, returning the zipper where it should be then he grabs my hips, pulling me back flush with his body.

“Don’t pull away from me. This has gone on long enough. You’ve had your time; we both screwed up, and we’re both to blame for our own parts. But avoiding me and driving a wedge between us has to stop.” The curves of his face darken, and I know his words are true, but even though my heart longs for him, I don’t know that my mind is ready to accept it.

“Yes, we both fucked up…big time. Can we move on from that? Can you just forgive me for everything, and expect me to forgive you? Does it work like that?”

“Yes,” he says without hesitation. “You know me, and I know you, so it does work like that.”

“No, Niko, we don’t really know each other. I know a version of you I made up in my head, and I’m guessing you’ve done the same with me, but those people in our minds aren’t the real us. I trusted you, just like you trusted me. Honestly, neither of us deserved it. I don’t know if I can do this.” I try to pull away from him again, but he doesn’t allow me to move an inch.

“I saw you. You thought that man over there was me. I was watching you, and I knew. When that woman rushed to him, I saw the heartbreak on your face. The moment you regretted walking away from me, I saw it written on your face. So don’t tell me you can’t do this. I may not know everything about you, but I’m positive what we have is special…we can be special together.”

I nod my head in agreement, “Yes, I thought it was you, and for a moment I got my hopes up that you were here for me. When I saw that woman I was crushed.”

“I am here for you. There were so many things I wanted to say today at Brock’s, but I needed to speak with him first. I had to show him what I did was done out of selfish desperation. I knew I’d never stand a chance with you if I didn’t get his approval first; now, I have to prove it to you.”

“You wanted to talk to my brother about us before you even talked to me about us?” My brow furrows, and I have no doubt it comes across as angry instead of confused.

He nods, “Yes. I talked to Paul, too. I know how close you are to them, and you trust their advice on your life. I don’t have that, and honestly, I don’t really understand it, but I want to respect it.” He pauses and pulls my hand between his and rubs small circles on my palm with his thumb, setting my skin on fire. “I fucked up…big time. There’s no way of downplaying that or ignoring it. The only way to prove myself now is to be open and honest, so that’s what I’m going to do. I care about you – more than I can remember caring about anyone, and I won’t let anything, or anyone stand in the way of that again. I will prove it to you, no matter what I have to do.”

Dizziness whirls through my head, making my feet feel wobbly. My eyelids lower and rise in slow motion, moving to focus on Niko, but unable to focus on his features through the blur in my eyes. The blur shifts and rolls down my cheek. I’m crying, why am I crying? I’ve waited so long for him to return my feelings, and now he does when I’m nothing but a huge mix of self-pity and resentment for myself. I’m angry with how my own actions caused hurt and deceit to be the basis of my life, and now my relationship with Niko…as well as everyone else in my life. I’ve done nothing but lie and hurt for the past few years, and now they are being returned to me tenfold.

“No!” I finally say, a little too loudly, drawing looks from those closest to us. I jerk my hand free from him and wipe rapidly at my face to clear the evidence of my bitter hurt. “No, Niko. It can’t be fixed that easily. Even if you are sorry and I forgive you, I’m not ready to forgive myself. We’re here because of me.”

“Brook, no, that doesn’t matter; none of that matters now.” He takes a step toward me, but I quickly take two back, moving more into the open expanse of the club.

“Yes, it does!” I have to shout now that we aren’t shielded from the hammering music by the staircase. “I can’t be with you…or anyone, until I’m ready to move past all the lies I told and everyone I hurt. You shouldn’t forgive me. How can you just pretend nothing happened, that I did nothing to you?” The tears are back and more forceful than before, they refuse to be pushed away this time.

“I’m not pretending, what you did may not have been right, but I knew it would be part of my life when I took this path.”

“You don’t know, you haven’t seen.”

“Brook.” He says my name like I’m a small child shedding a tear over the ladybug that just got smashed under my shoe – as if I’m nothing but simple and confused, but I’m neither of those things. “I do know. You can deny I knew for a long time, but it doesn’t change the fact I did. I knew for months you were there, I could feel when you were and when you weren’t – just like I could feel your presence here tonight – but none of it changes the fact I don’t care what you did. I’m past it, over it. You need to be, too. Nothing you did hurt me near as much as what I did to you. We both need you to forgive us, and I can promise I’m not going to leave you alone until you do, until you admit we belong together.”