Shy Kinda Love (21 page)

Chapter 34

After Kade falls asleep, I kiss him gently on his lips and tell him goodbye. I slip out of his bed and don’t look back as I exit through his bedroom door. My tears begin to fall. I know I’m walking away from the only guy I will ever love. I thought I was broken before, but having to give up this boy is going to shatter me.

I get to my apartment and let myself in, tears still falling down my cheeks. I go straight to my room and pack a suitcase with all my important things. As I look at every article of clothing, I remember shopping with the girls when I picked it out, and the times I wore it with Kade. All the memories of friendships and love tear at my heart, and the knowledge that I will never know them again causes me to cry harder. I muffle my sobs, not wanting to wake Kade on the other side of my wall.

Once my bag is packed, I sit down at my desk and write two letters, one for Kade and one for the girls. I label each one and leave them sit on my desk where they will be easily found. I take a last look around my room before I leave it behind.

I look up as I walk into the living room and I’m surprised to see Keegan sitting on the couch. I quickly wipe away the tears and smile at her, trying to cover up my pain.

Keegan notices anyway. “What’s wrong, Shy? What happened?” she asks, then she notices the suitcase. She narrows her eyes. “Where are you going?”

I shake my head. “I’m fine, Keegan, just an emotional night. I just need a few days away.”

Keegan is not happy with my answer. “Bullshit, Shy. What happened? Did you and Kade get into a fight?”

“Keegan, I don’t want to talk about it right now. I told you I just need some space.”

“Does Kade know you’re leaving?” she pushes, getting angry now.

I need to get out of here before she wakes everyone up. If she gets any louder the guys will be able to hear every word through the walls. “Keegan, please,” I beg as I walk out the front door.

Keegan follows me, of course, all the way out to the front steps. “Shy, if you’re running away from Kade you know he’s going to come after you—” She stops talking abruptly when she sees what’s waiting in our drive: a man leaning against a silver sedan, wearing a very angry face.

I quickly move toward the car and stop just a few inches from U.S. Marshal Hudson. “What are you doing here?” I hiss.

“My job,” he replies, emphasizing both words. “Now get in the car before I toss you in.”

I look over to where I parked Ryder’s jeep and find it gone. Then I hear Keegan descending the steps.

“Who is this, Shy? Where’s your truck?”

I shove my suitcase at Hudson and scowl at him, then turn to Keegan. “I have to go.”

Unwilling to give up, Keegan asks, “Is this about your dad? I didn’t tell Kade.”

I shake my head. “No, Keegan, and you can’t tell him. Please, there is still so much you don’t know, and trust me, it needs to stay that way.”

“He loves you, and I know you love him too,” she pleads. “There is no reason you can’t tell him about your dad.” She frantically looks between Hudson and me, searching for answers. “Whatever it is, Shy, it doesn’t matter. Please… just don’t go.”

I close the distance between us and throw my arms around her neck. I allow one more sob to escape as I say goodbye to my friend. “I’m sorry, Keegan.” Then I pull away and climb into the back seat, leaving her standing alone and in tears.

When I get to Ryder’s I’m no longer crying. I’ve allowed the numbness to settle in, resigned that I have to walk away from the life I’ve created. I enter the house and find Ryder and Smoke waiting on the couch. Ryder stands and reaches out a hand for me, but I ignore it.

“What’s the plan?” I ask, my voice sounding as dead as I feel.

Hudson answers from behind me. “We’re taking you to a hotel now, until we can secure a temporary safe house.”

Without responding, I turn toward the guest room.

“Where are you going?” Ryder asks. “We need to go now.”

“There are a few things here I need to get.” I sound like a bitch, and I know it’s illogical to be angry with Ryder, but I need to be angry with someone right now.

While in the bedroom, searching for things I don’t want to leave behind, I hear a car pull in the drive. Assuming it’s another one of Ryder’s commandos, I keep packing… until I hear Kade’s angry voice. I race out to the living room, my insides a mixture of crushing sadness and excitement to see him again. As I pass through the hallway, I see Hudson slide into Ryder’s room. He holds a finger up to his lips, as if reminding me not to tell Kade anything.

Ryder is practically holding Kade back, preventing him from tearing through the house. When he sees me, his expression softens.

“Filly,” he says, giving Ryder a hateful look as he pushes away from him. “What are you doing?” He takes a few steps towards me, but I take a step back.

I shake my head. “I have to go, Kade.”

“Bullshit, you don’t
have
to do anything,” he argues. “You’re just a little emotional about what happened tonight. I get it, but you’re not leaving.”

As my numbness slips away, my throat tightness and a tear rolls down my cheek. “I told you I would leave. You didn’t want to believe it, but I was clear with you from the beginning.” This is true, even though I too didn’t want to believe it. I’ve been living this life with Kade, and my new friends, as if it could not be snatched from me at any second. If I’d continued living behind my walls, where I could hide from relationships, no one would be hurting right now.

Kade takes another step toward me, and his expression becomes tortured. “You’re not leaving, Filly, so stop saying that. We’ll sit down, right now, and you’re going to tell me what’s going on. You can tell me anything, you know that.” I shake my head again as I release a sob. “I can’t,” is all I can say. I want to say so much more. I want to throw myself into his arms.

Now Kade is shaking his head. “Don’t do this, Shyanne.”

His use of my name, instead of his nickname for me, causes an ache in my chest. I rub it with the heel of my hand, attempting to ease the hurt.  “You need to leave,” I say, trying to strengthen my voice. “I told you I would leave, and this is me keeping my word.”

His eyes narrow and he presses his mouth into a hard line. “If you do this, if you make me leave instead of opening up to me, this is it. I won’t do this again.”

I turn my head, unable to see the hurt in his eyes. “You need to leave.”

Kade yells a couple of profanities as he paces the room, and when he comes to stand in front of me again, I see the pain has turned to anger.

“Tomorrow, or next week, or even next month, whenever you realize you were wrong,
don’t
come back. You’ve fucked with my mind enough, and I won’t let you do it again.” He pauses, waiting for me to look at him before he delivers his final blow. “I never understood the saying about there being a fine line between love and hate… until now. I’m pretty sure I just crossed over that line.”

I close my eyes and swallow the pain climbing up from my stomach. If he’d punched me it would have hurt less.

I hear his footsteps walking away, and at the sound of the front door slamming, I buckle over. Ryder’s arms are already around me as he whispers apologies in my ear.

***

When we get to the hotel, Hudson explains the plan. “It will take a few days for us to prepare your new identity and location, so you’ll be here for the next couple of nights. We have Agent Clarkson, who I believe you all know, coming in tomorrow. He’ll be bringing a couple other agents as well.”

I just nod, knowing the rules of this game I don’t want to play.

We go over my conversation with my dad, and Hudson shares what information the bureau has. “Marco’s stunts have brought too much attention to the trafficking world, and they don’t like attention. So I’m guessing he’s on the run from them, just as much as us. Since he lost his brother, and the others from the ring went to prison, Marco’s only got one thing to live for.” The sad look on Hudson’s face tells me what that one thing is.

“Me,” I state.

Hudson nods. “And that’s what makes him so dangerous. Getting to you, hurting you, that’s the only thing that matters to him now.”

Chapter 35

Two days later everyone gathers in the hotel room, making our plans for departure. Agent Clarkson and an Agent Hill have joined the party. .

I’m enjoying my numbness, alone on the bed, when Ryder’s phone rings. He answers then, with a concerned look, holds the phone out to me. “It’s Angie.”

I take the phone, realizing we’ve not discussed plans for getting Walker transported with us. “Hey, Angie, what’s up?”

She responds right away, sounding very panicked. “Shy, you need to come to the barn. Something’s wrong with Walker. I called Doc Johnson already and she’s on her way.”

I don’t hesitate. “I’m on my way.” I hang up the phone and announce to the room, “I have to go the barn. Something’s wrong with my horse.” As if every man is this room knows how much my horse means to me, everyone jumps into action.

Agent Clarkson orders, “Shy and I will go with Ryder.” He points to the other agents and Smoke. “You follow.”

On the way, Ryder asks what happened. “What do you mean something is wrong with Walker? What did Angie say?”

“That’s all she told me, and that the vet is on her way too. Angie just said I need to get there now.” I pause, trying to push back the visions of what I might see when I get there.

Softly, Clarkson says, “It could be Marco.”

Refusing to believe that anyone would hurt my horse, I protest, “No. Even if he found me, how would know about Walker?”

Clarkson leans up from the back seat, placing a hand on my shoulder. “We don’t know how long your dad has been following you. He could have been here for days watching you, and if he’s been here watching you, then Marco could have been here watching him.”

I close my eyes, and for the first time in years, I pray to a God I no longer trust.

At the barn I jump out of the Jeep before Ryder has it in park. I run into the barn and straight to Walker’s stall. Once in front of his stall, I stop, in shock at what I see. He’s wobbly on his feet, head hanging so low his nose is almost touching the stall floor, and he has foam coming out of his mouth. I immediately open the stall door and rush in, looking to Angie who is standing next to Walker.

“What happened? What’s wrong?” I ask as I try to lift his head to look at his eyes.

Angie is in tears as she responds. “I heard a car when I was getting out of the shower. I looked out the bathroom window and saw a silver car parked at the end of the barn. I didn’t recognize the car, so I got dressed and came out. As I was leaving the house the car was pulling down the lane. I thought maybe they had the wrong address, but I came into the barn just in case. I checked all the horses and when I got Walker he was looking unsteady. The longer I watched the worse he got. That’s when I called the vet, and you.” Angie wipes away a tear, then adds, “I found an empty syringe on the floor in his stall.”

No, no, no, no… Not Walker. I know instantly that it was Marco. He wants me to know it was him, so that I know he is waiting for me. Marco Munro poisoned Walker.

“How far out is Doc Johnson?” I ask Angie.

“She should be here in about five minutes.” Angie pauses, wiping away more tears, then continues, “Shy, he doesn’t look good. If he was poisoned, I doubt there’s anything the vet can do.”

Just as Angie is finishing her thought, Walker goes down on his front knees, then his rear. His head is lifted only slightly from the ground. His eyes are barely open and the foam coming from his mouth tells me that Angie is right. I am about to lose my horse.

I circle around Walker until I am positioned on the floor behind his head. I fold my legs, then gently ease his head down onto my lap. Walker doesn’t resist. The tears are spilling down my cheeks and dripping onto him. I hold one hand near his nose and gently caress his large jaw with the other. For the past three years this horse has been my safe place, my therapy, my heart.

As I caress his face I stare into his big brown eye, and it’s barely able to look back at me. “Shh, baby boy,” I whisper, as another tear falls from my cheek. “I know you’re in pain and I’m so sorry.”

I hear Doc Johnson’s voice and look up to see her entering the stall. “Hey, Shyanne,” she says softly as she kneels in front of us. “I’m just going to listen to his heart and respirations. You don’t need to move.” I nod my head and wait for her to tell me what I already know. I continue to try and soothe Walker as she takes his vitals. When she lifts her eyes to mine, I know it’s bad.

“His lungs are failing, and his heart is shutting down. He’s suffering greatly, Shy. Whoever injected him gave him only enough to kill him slowly. If we let him go on his own it could take another twenty or thirty minutes.” The vet wraps her stethoscope over her shoulders, then leans in and rubs Walker’s neck. “I think the best thing you can do for him is put him out of his misery.”

I nod my head again, not knowing what else to say. Doc Johnson exits the stall to get what she needs.

I lean over and kiss him again, and I can no longer control the sobs. “I’m so sorry, boy. I’m so sorry I brought you into my disaster of a life. I’m so sorry that you’re paying the price for my mistakes. You have been an amazing horse. You saved my life, and I will never forget you.” I can feel his body quivering next me so I lay a hand on his shoulder, unsuccessfully trying to take away his pain. I look down and see that he has his eye open and is looking directly at me. “I’m so sorry, baby,” I say as I rub his neck and look back into his eye.

Doc Johnson comes back into the stall, syringe in hand. She asks, “Are you ready?”

No, no fucking way am I ready to let my horse go. Instead of saying what I really feel, I look down to Walker one more time and tell him, “I love you, boy. Thank you. Thank you for saving my life, and I am so, so sorry that I couldn’t save yours.” I breathe in a very shaky breath then nod to Doc Johnson. “Goodbye, baby,” I say as I kiss him again, then stare into his eye as the doc gives him the injection that will relieve his suffering, but make mine worse.

***

I sit in the stall with Walker’s head still in my lap for hours. Maybe it’s just twenty minutes, I don’t know. It’s not important. Angie is sitting next to me and I can hear the agents and Ryder talking outside the stall. I don’t register what they are saying. My mind is empty, numb.

I feel Angie’s hand on my arm so I shift my eyes and look to her. “I’m so sorry for what happened to Walker, and I can’t help but feel responsible.” She waves her free hand around the space. “This is my barn and it’s my job to keep the horses safe. I didn’t do that.”

I pull her my gaze from her to look down at my dead horse again. I shake my head. “This is my fault.” I think back to the night when this all began, wishing I had died on my bedroom floor.

After several more minutes Angie breaks the fog of misery surrounding us. “I’m gonna go get Mike. He can get the tractor and start digging out behind the pasture.” She squeezes my arm, then leaves the barn to go find her husband.

I know I need to get up, walk away from this grotesque scene, but I honestly don’t know where to go. I have no home. With that thought, I shove back all of the emotions that have consumed the past few months of my life, and decide it’s time to leave. Leave this stall, this barn, and this town. I’m ready to leave this place that has filled me with so many emotions, both good and bad. I’m ready to stop feeling again; to once again become the girl I was before I met Keegan, Gemma, and Kade.

With shaking hands and short shallow breaths, I lift my horse’s head from my lap and kiss him one last time. I exit the stall and approach Ryder, where he’s talking in hushed whispers with the agents. I step up beside him, interrupting their conversation. “Let’s go. Wherever you’re taking me, let’s go.” Ryder reaches out his arm and wraps it around my shoulders, trying to pull me in for a hug, but I stiffen. “Don’t. Don’t try to comfort me. You’re the one that told me to get a life. Go make friends, have fun, and live my life. Well, I did that, and now I’ve lost everything—again. So don’t try to tell me it’s all going to be fine, because it’s not.” I take a step to the side, placing distance between myself and Ryder. “I just want to leave.”

Ryder looks to the agents, then back to me. “We’re working on it. Give us a little more time and we’ll have a plan.” I roll my eyes as I turn to walk away, feeling irritated at everyone for everything.

I walk to the other end of the barn, as far from Walker as possible. I lean back against a stall then slide down until I my butt hits the ground. I pull my knees up to my chest, cross my arms over my knees, and lay my head on my arms. A short time later I hear the tractor start up and the sounds becomes more distant as it goes to dig a final resting place for Walker. I feel a tear prick the corner of my eye as I realize I will never be able to visit his grave. After I leave here today, I will never see this farm again. I wipe the tear from my eye and push my emotions down deeper this time. I’m done feeling… anything.

Sometime later, I feel someone approach me, then I hear a body slowly lowering against the stall to sit next to me. I glance up to see Angie, seated just a foot away. “Do you want to go back, to watch him be buried?”

I shake my head. I can’t watch my baby be dumped in the ground, then dirt thrown on him. I don’t have enough space in me to push down the emotions for that.

“Okay, how about you come in and lie down, just until they decide on their plan.” She nods her head to the agents.

I nod. I’d like to lie down. Being in this barn too painful.

“Ryder told me they’re FBI.” It’s more a question than a statement, so I nod again. “I don’t understand why you showed up here tonight, under the escort of the FBI, and I’m guessing I’m not going to know, but I’ll let them know we’re going inside.”

Angie gets permission from my bodyguards, one of whom insists on escorting us to the house.

Allowing the numbness to fill my mind and body, I hear someone’s footsteps approaching from behind. I glance over my shoulder to see Ryder just a few feet away. I notice him visibly flinch when he sees my expression. I know what he sees: the girl he rescued from a room three years ago. The girl he spent three years trying to bring back to life. He shakes off his concern as he reaches out a hand for mine. “Baby, I need to go take care of something. Agent Clarkson and Agent Hill will stay with you. We’ll leave when I get back.” He squeezes my hand. “I know this is bad, Shy, and I’m sorry for everything you’re having to deal with right now, but please don’t shut down on me again.”

I just stare back into his eyes, allowing him to see the emptiness that has already taken over. Then I pull my hand from his and turn, continuing the walk to the house.

I hear Ryder’s muttered “Fuck,” as we exit the barn.