Shy Kinda Love (18 page)

Chapter 29

The following Friday afternoon Kade knocks, then opens my bedroom door, but doesn’t enter; he just leans against the doorjamb with one shoulder. With his hands in his pockets and his head tilted slightly, wearing that life-changing smile, Kade is the image of college boy perfect. I close my book, placing it beside me on the bed.

“What can I do for you, Mr. Cross?” I ask, teasing him.

Pushing himself off the wall, Kade pulls one of his hands from his pocket. In that hand is a small gift box. I immediately look to his eyes, searching for a hint about what’s going on. Kade sits next to me on the bed, placing the box in my hand. “I told you I had another gift coming.” He nods to the box. “It got here today.”

I look from him to the box, then back to him again. “Kade, what is this? We’ve only been together for a couple weeks. You didn’t need to get me anything, let alone order something for me. I love Flyer.”

“Flyer?” he asks, sounding confused.

“Yeah, get it? My walking horse is Walker, so my flying horse is Flyer.”

He shakes his head, then orders, “Open it. It’s nothing major. After our conversation the night we finally got together, I knew exactly what I wanted to get for you. The problem was, I couldn’t find one that suited you. So,” he says, shrugging, “I went online to see what I could find.”

I open it with a mixture of concern and excitement. The box is a simple brown box with a sheer turquoise ribbon. I remove the ribbon and lift the lid, only to discover the perfect necklace inside. At the end of a silver chain is a replica of an ancient silver coin bearing an image of Pegasus. The silver has a tarnished look and the coin is imperfect, appearing as though it has survived many centuries. Kade is right; this pendant suits me.

I look from the box back to Kade, and tell him honestly, “I love it.”

Kade furrows his brow. “Do you? If not we can find you something else. It’s just that all the other flying horse necklaces I saw weren’t right. They were all shiny and the horse looked too… well, perfect.” He lifts one hand to stroke my face with his thumb. “I know you and your horses. Perfection is not what you’re looking for.”

I lift the necklace in both hands and place it around my neck. As I fasten it, I tell Kade, “You are absolutely right. I’m not looking for perfection, but I think I’ve found it.”

He just smiles and leans in for a kiss, unwilling to acknowledge how perfect he is.

We spend the hour before Kade has to go study making out a little, but mostly just wrapped in each other’s arms. After he leaves, I go to show Keegan and Gemma the latest flying horse that Kade has gotten for me. After Gemma gets in her moment of dreamy-eyed bliss, I ask Keegan what’s up with her and Adrian.

Since I’ve been so caught up in my own drama, I’ve not heard any more about their supposed engagement. Keegan rolls her eyes at my question. “Well, last night he acted like a complete caveman,” she begins, her eyes narrowed and lips pressed together. “We went over to Luke’s. He was having a small get-together. Since you and Kade spend all your time making out or staring at each other, we didn’t bother asking.” She gives a sarcastic smile, so I flip her the bird.

“Anyway,” she continues, “at one point I was sitting on the couch talking to some hot little freshman. You know, just trying to get to know the young’uns,” she says with a wink. “Well, apparently Adrian didn’t like it, so he came over, told the kid to go stick his head in gravy, then grabbed my hand and pulled me off the couch.”

I can’t help the laugh that escapes. Keegan scowls at me so I look to Gemma for help. Gemma shrugs and says, “It was pretty funny, Keegan. I mean, did you see how fast that boy rounded up his kindergarten friends? They ran out the back door like they were going to cry to their moms.”

I let out another loud laugh. When Keegan looks like she’s about to punch me in my throat I press my lips into a hard line and say, “I’m sorry, Keegan. I know you’re pissed at him. I won’t laugh anymore. Tell me what happened next.”

After another scowl for good measure, Keegan goes on. “I told Adrian he was being a jealous ass and he needed to go home if he was going to act like that. Then I went to the bar to talk to Alec, you know, to prove my point, or independence, or whatever.”

Keegan and her interesting way with words. “Okay, so how did that go over?”

Now sitting at her makeup desk, beginning her preparations for the evening, Keegan slams down her eyeliner pencil and throws up her hands. “The caveman spun my bar stool, picked me up, and threw me over his shoulder. Before I knew what the hell was going on, we were on our way out the front door.”

I have to bite the inside of my lip to keep from laughing again. The visual of Keegan Don’t-Fuck-With-Me Hughes being tossed over Adrian’s shoulder is almost too much. Luckily she’s too wound-up to notice me almost breaking my promise.

“Once we got outside he set me down and told me we were going home. When I argued, he threw me back over his shoulder and carried me all the way back here.” Now she’s practically yelling, so I remind her how thin our walls are by placing a finger over my lips and pointing to the walls.

Realizing what I’m saying, Keegan stands up and begins pacing the room, talking even louder now, and enunciating to boot. “I don’t give a
fuck
if he hears me. Actually, I
hope
he hears me so that I don’t have to have this
conversation
with him
later
.” With that, Keegan takes off the plastic pink engagement ring and shoves it in one of her desk drawers. “I’m done playing this stupid little game of ours. It’s been fun, but I don’t do the jealous boyfriend thing. This was all just supposed to be a good time. Well, that good time is over,” she announces as she swings open her closet door and begins her hour-long search for tonight’s outfit.

I look over to Gemma, concerned that all of this is going to cause tension between our housemates. Gemma just rolls her eyes, then stands to turn the music on. “That’s right, Keegan,” Gemma encourages our crazed roommate. “Don’t you put up with that shit.” Then she selects a song and returns to sit next to me.

While Keegan sings loudly in the closet, Gemma leans in and whispers, “They’ll be fine by tomorrow. She is crazy for that boy, she’s just afraid to admit it to herself.”

I raise my eyebrows and my eyes go wide in shock. The idea of Keegan being crazy about a guy is a concept I’m going to need time to adjust to.

Chapter 30

The next few weeks are filled with constant time with Kade. We eat together, I sit with him while he studies, he goes to the barn with me, and we sleep together. Our time in bed is still just sleeping, although there is usually lots of making out before the sleeping. I have my moments when I feel the connection with Kade is too intense. Sometimes it’s a look that crosses his face. Sometimes it’s a feeling in my chest. Regardless of what causes my anxiety, Kade is always able to see it, sometimes before I can even process what’s happening.

The first time Kade saw the signs of my impending freak-out, he tried holding me. Within minutes he realized that only increased the intensity for me, which took me straight into the full freak-out. As soon as I stood to run, without any idea where I was running to, Kade took my wrist and lead me out to his car. He loaded me in the passenger seat and drove me to the barn, saying nothing and not touching me the entire drive. Once at the farm, he let me go, knowing I could calm myself when surrounded by the barn and horses. He waited in his car, allowing me complete freedom to find my own strength and sense of self again.

Since that day, whenever he sees my flight response kicking in, he silently drives me to the barn. He has since learned to bring his schoolwork because sometimes it’ll be hours before I’m ready to return to reality. The freak-outs are coming less; the time I need to recover is becoming shorter. I know this is because Kade is so patient and his love for me is truly unconditional. He never tries to change who I am; just the opposite, actually. Kade encourages me to embrace my flaws, reminding me these are the reasons he fell in love with me.

After that first time Kade drove me to the barn, I knew he had healed yet another part of my fractured heart. I also knew that with all the healing, my heart was beginning to make the same connection as my mind.

When I agreed to try this relationship with Kade, he had told me I would need to give him my mind, heart, and body. I had made the decision to give him my mind, and all the dark places that lie within. However, at some point, Kade had snuck in and taken my heart. I never made the decision to place it in his hands, yet that is where I know it now resides.

So, six weeks into our relationship, when my nightmare comes back to life, I know my heart will never recover. A heart is not meant to live outside of its chest; no one can protect a heart the way they can protect their own. That’s why I blame no one but myself the day I find myself standing in my apartment, listening to all of the cracks reopen, and multiple new ones form.

***

It’s a Sunday morning, and I am heading back to the apartment. I spent some time with Walker this morning and I helped Angie with the chores. I wasn’t in a hurry to get back home because I knew Kade was going out to lunch with his dad. He ‘d asked me to go but I declined, telling him I was going to spend a lot of time working with both horses today. The reality is that I’m not ready to meet Kade’s parents. We haven’t even been together two months, and I am still struggling with all “being together” entails.

When I pull into our driveway I see an extra car. I hurry into the house, thinking the car probably belongs to Kade’s dad and they haven’t left for lunch yet. If Kade sees my car he’ll probably bring his dad over to meet me. As I take the steps to our front door, I realize that Kade’s car gone, which must mean they took his car to lunch. I sigh in relief as I open the door to my house and close it again behind me. However, as soon as I see who is sitting on my couch, my chest begins to collapse.

I’m pretty sure when I opened the door all the oxygen left the room. My chest hurts, my eyes are burning, and my brain can’t process. My knees go weak and I have to grip the door tighter to keep from falling. No… he can’t be here. He’s not supposed to know where I am, and even if he did, he swore to never contact me again. My past and present cannot meet like this, not today, not ever.

My father cannot be sitting on
my
couch, in
my
living room, in the house where I live with
my
best friends.

“Hi, baby girl,” he says, as if this is a perfectly normal day in someone else’s life.

My lungs.

I open my mouth and inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

My heart is beating too fast, and although I am breathing now, it’s still too fast. I have to get control.

Slow inhale.

Slow exhale.

I try to slow my shallow breathing and rapid heart. My dad. The man I trusted to protect me but who threw me to the wolves instead. He is standing in front of me. Then I realize Keegan is sitting next to him. That causes my brain to start working. “Keegan, can you give me a minute,” I say, as calmly as I can manage.

I can see my own fear reflected in her eyes. She stands, reaching out a hand for me. “Shyanne, do you want me to call Kade?”

Fuck. No.

I shake my head vigorously. “Just go.” I plead to her with a look, begging her not to call Kade.

Keegan continues to stare at me for a few moments before my dad cuts in, “Nicole and I just need a moment.” I jerk my head in his direction, shocked at his use of my real name, but he doesn’t realize his mistake. “I promise, baby girl, I just need a minute.”

When I look back to Keegan I see the questions in her eyes. I close my eyes, trying to keep the overwhelming loss of control from taking over my mind. I open my eyes and plead to her again, “Please, Keegan. Give me a few minutes, and please, please don’t call Kade.”

I see the concern, then resignation, flash across her features. Keegan nods, then moves to exit through the front door. I don’t hear a second door, so I suspect she is standing in the entryway, listening for signs of trouble. She has no idea that she can’t protect me from this.

I turn and look at the man I never thought I would see again. “How did you find me?” I hiss at him, as I walk toward the kitchen, leading him away from Keegan’s post at the door.

He sighs, then walks to the table, pulling out a chair to sit. Once seated he leans back, crossing his arms over his chest. He looks around the kitchen, as if taking inventory. “Baby girl, you know I have connections.” He leans forward, placing his elbows on the table. “Look, I know you don’t want to see me, and I know what I promised, but things have changed.” He pauses as his expression changes to remorse. “Marco found me.”

Just when I thought my mind could not handle another shock, my father speaks a name that causes my entire body to quake. I lean over, placing a hand on the counter and wrapping the other arm around my waist. “How do you know that?”

I hear my dad stand. “Are you okay?” He comes up next to me, and as he reaches out a hand for me, I pull my hand from the counter, stopping him. He takes a step back then gestures toward the table. “You should sit.”

I know he’s right, since I’m pretty sure this visit is just going to get worse. I don’t have the strength to stand for long, so I round the table and take the seat directly across from my dad. I can’t stop all the memories that flood my mind. I can’t focus on anything except the memories of being a young girl, wanting her daddy to save her from all the nightmares.

My dad must see my horror, because he asks, “What are you thinking about?”

I know that talking about it won’t change the past, but I never got this; I never got closure with my dad. So, I tell him, “I’m thinking about how all I ever wanted was for you to love me the way a father is supposed to. Even after you allowed the first of your friends to violate me, I still wanted you to love me.” I’m sitting with my hands clasped together on top of the table, head tilted, staring numbly across the table at him. I can feel my oblivion creeping near, and I think I want to allow it to consume me.

“Baby girl,” he begins, reaching over the table with both hands. As his hands wrap around mine, reality crashes down.

I jerk my hands away. “Don’t touch me.” I see the pain in his eyes and for a moment, I am trapped there, considering all the answers he holds. “And don’t patronize me with some half-assed excuses. Just answer my question. How do you know Marco found you?”

My dad draws in a breath, obviously wanting to say more. Instead, he answers, “I saw him watching me. I was coming out of a store and saw him sitting in a truck, across the street from me. He gave me a wicked smile and then nodded, letting me know he knew exactly who I was, and vice versa. He drove away then, and I think he was letting me know he already knew where I lived, so he didn’t need to follow me.”

The visual of Marco Munro causes my stomach to roll again. Then I realize that he could have followed my dad here. “And you thought you’d lead him straight to me? Why didn’t you just go through the marshals? Tell someone there who could warn me?”

My dad shakes his head. “No, don’t you see? If he found me, he can find you. Agents can be bought and information can be found, if someone wants it bad enough. How do you think I found you, Nicole?”

Hearing him use my real name again causes my frantic heart to pause. I haven’t been called that name since I left the hospital three years ago. I turn away, trying to remember who I am now, and that I left this coward behind for a reason. “Don’t call me that! I’m not that girl anymore, and I never will be again.”

Gathering my control, I attempt to wrap up this reunion. “Well, thanks for the information. I’ll talk to my deputy marshal and see what I need to do.” I need to have a full-out meltdown, and I refuse to do it in front of this man.

Instead of saying his polite goodbye, he continues with his warning. “You don’t have time. You need to leave first, then contact your agent.”

I feel the thin threads of my sanity slipping as I turn back to face him. “Why do you care? Why do you care about my safety now?” My voice sounds weak, timid like the girl I once was, and I hate myself for slipping back there.

My dad shakes his head and runs both his hands through his hair. Seeing him like this is yet another stab to my heart. I feel like I am fourteen years old again, watching my dad struggle with decisions that will forever change my life.

“Baby girl, stop. I know I am no perfect father. You don’t need to point that out for me. Trust me, I lose sleep every night thinking about all the pain I caused.”

“Really, Dad? I find that very hard to believe, since you’re standing here in my life again.”

He grasps my hands on top of the table, and I’m staring at our hands when he speaks again. “Baby girl, look at me.” I hesitate only a second before I lift my gaze and look back into his pain-filled eyes, which are also now filled with tears.

He opens his mouth slightly to take in a shaky breath, and then closes his eyes. I watch a tear fall down his cheek as he begins. “I know whatever I say cannot undo the damage I did to you; the damage
they
did to you. I need you to know that I have felt nothing but pain and remorse since that first day those men entered our lives. When I agreed to make an investment with them I knew whatever they were involved in was illegal, but I swear I did
not
know the details. By the time I learned what their business was, it was too late. They made sure that I was in too deep to walk away.”

My dad takes another deep breath and then opens his eyes. “If I had known…” he says, before dropping my hand, standing and turning away.

He’s about to say more, but his words get cut off when Ryder opens the front door and stalks toward him like a predator.